Page 192 - Doesnt Work News Today

Have jokes and there would be like, you cant do that joke because you say crack head. and im like, i did this joke in front of the pope a week ago. >> some people dont like religion jokes, especially the ones going to hell. by the way, to most comedians, saying you cant do something, might as well be saying you should do this. there are plenty of comedians where theyre like just dont curse, and theyll go up there and curse immediately. >> leo was your philipino -- sa salad man. farking ticket. i...

To the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. >> seinfeld, gaffigan, regan, they inspire others to try it as a challenge. funny without talking about anything that would offend their mother. >> freedom, freedom is great, but i dont pop up alone in bed in the middle of the night going i can do whatever i want. im not rolling around in bed, look at the freedom. i have so much freedom. freedom. >> comics dont get credit for high degr...

>> were never ready for the seasons of change, in october were caught off guard, oh, its getting cold, what is this, every year now? >> he really works hard to get all the funny out of the joke. like he really is like wringing the funny out. >> how many jokes about seasons does this guy have? >> i came home the other day i was helping my wife fold clothes, a little pair of skimpy underwear, i looked at my wife and i said, when are you going to wear these for me, she said i cant, theyre your daug...

A lot of people dont know. i was dirty when i started. i sounded like everybody else. i said i wonder if i could clean it up, and then pick up, and i did. >> people act like they aint never been in mcdonalds, got the same menu, you guys are going, oh, give me, uh, let me see if you have, uh, you know what they got. >> i dont care how you do it, if that joke doesnt work without the cuss words, its not a joke. it should be able to swing both ways. if you could swing it through both ways, you got y...

>> jesse: you need to go back to school. this is the guy that out the turkey was $50 the other day. >> jedediah: i dont have an item of service, but an item. the insta pot, i encouraged it in my house, its something thats supposed to make cooking easier but because i encouraged it might husband expect me to cook with it. it works beautifully when he uses it to cook for me. you can put everything in it. you basically just put everything in there and it makes itself but you still have to cut every...

Thats pretty powerful stuff right there. its -- i know our hearts are one thing but when it comes to real, true economics and counting these numbers, it hasnt worked in the past and we will see i think particularly on an economic downturn where this could backfire miserably. >> listen, charles. with unemployment so low you dont have to raise the minimum wage because competition between employers will naturally raise the wages up so there is need for this. keep one thing in mind, there is a boome...

Some of it is on a garbage can lid, and we have to report it. and its not about what you like. its about the fact that you are the president of the united states and what is presidential, we report on. >> 100%. i think that the president should pick on only the people he likes, do it any way he wants. he just cant stop the questions from coming. thats the whole problem. i dont care if he never calls on anybody that he doesnt like. thats on him. hell be judged for that. thats politics. thats his ...

Im telling you, it works for me. >> charles: apple -- >> you know how to go against the robo calls? dont give your phone numbers to companies or e-mails -- >> our give your friends number. >> thats what i do. >> yeah. but thats my tip. put yourself on the do not call list. >> the do not call list? >> which is outdated. >> and i feel like everything they do doesnt work. >> charles: the bottom line is, we give our information out for free to all the time to the different entities. they have to mak...

>> hes called the investigation fishy and the russia investigation false. president trump says the acting attorney general will decide how to deal with the mueller probe. mike bloomberg donates $1.8 billion to the alma mater for financial aid. 2020 democratic hopefuls no doubt taking notice. im a big believer in the free market. we have to admit when the free market is not working. >> apple ceo tim cook talks about regulation in the tech industry. a possible breakthrough for kids with pean...

Bear. what was the thinking behind this? how would this have worked? >> well, we have to remember in 2002/2003 the cia was desperate to ferret out the next attack after 9/11. they always used truth serum, its always been a holy grail because so many who show up at the cias door are making up stuff. they always thought about some kind of truth serum to get them to tell the truth? >> does it work? >> no, it doesnt work. thats probably why they didnt use it after 9/11. in the old days they were usi...