that ronnie needs the boat. - how are you going to do that, tell him this is holland and the dike broke? - i told you blanche would come up with something good. go ahead, blanche. - well honey, i was being sarcastic. - oh. mr. von zell, you have the floor. - i thought we could tell george that ronnie needs the boat for his health. you know, the salt air? - tell dad i need it for my health? - that s a wonderful idea, ronnie! oh ho ho, if blanche couldn t think of something, i knew you could. (audience laughter) - oh, gracie, i was - please, mr. von zell, you had your chance and you couldn t come up with anything. - well, i just started to say, it was - now, remember ronnie, if you want the boat, you have to make your father believe it s for your health. so go up and see him, and start coughing. - coughing? oh, mother, i couldn t do that. - well, all right, i ll go with you and do the coughing for you. you just cover your mouth and your father will think it s you. (audience l
- now i know why gracie took my breakfast away from me.@ thanks to my 21-inch private eye. (laughing) great invention. you know what that little television said? i m the mata hari of beverly hills. (laughing) can you imagine what would happen if everybody had a television set like mine? they would just sit around, and. no, come to think of it, that would be pretty boring. every time you tuned in, you would see somebody else sitting in front of his television set, watching you watching him. (laughing) another way to get information is to go to a fortune teller. when i was young, i had my palm read by a gypsy, and when she found out i only had 50 cents, someday you ll be very handsome, took the 50 cents, and hollered, next! (laughing) so i said, can you really tell that i ll be handsome by just looking at the palm of my hand? she said, what else? i certainly couldn t tell it by looking at your face. (laughing) and she was right. i got the handsomest palms in show bu
- oh, isn t young love wonderful? why can t we be like them? - we can. edie! - lou! (audience laughs) - can i finish my breakfast? isn t it thrilling to be young and newly married? or just to be young. (audience laughs) i envy young couples like lou and edie. they have a little problem, then there s an argument and they quarrel for two minutes and make up for three hours. and this happens a few times a day and it s great. i don t mean the quarreling, i mean the to be able to have strength enough to make up so often. i hope ronnie and his pals don t think that marriage is just a long series of arguments. lots of people have been married for years without fighting. but they have to find their happiness in other ways. (audience laughs) besides fighting about salt in soup, one of the worst things that can happen to a married couple is jealousy. when a young wife is suspicious and jealous of her husband, it can cause her almost as much trouble and unhappiness as trusting him. (a
- harry, please let s have the bedroom done over! - absolutely not! i see no reason whatever spending money decorating a room in which we spend all our time with our eyes closed. - but we don t! we see the room in the morning when we re getting dressed. - you may, but i have schooled myself to keeping my eyes closed while dressing. - why? - because i love you, and one look at you at that early hour of the morning would inevitably lead to divorce. - if we can have the bedroom done over, i ll even let you get away with that. - presumably you are unaware that the cost would be prohibitive. - no, it wouldn t! gracie says mr. rockford is very reasonable. - gracie said! it would be interesting to learn just what reasonable means to a person who was born without the ability to reason. - harry, insult me all you want, but not one word about gracie. - very well. - oh, shut up! (doorbell rings) that must be mr. rockford. come in! and harry, please have the courtesy to listen to what he
such lovely grown-up daughters. what do you girls do? - well, we re models. - yes, i model coats. - i model dresses. - i model undies. - i m not working. - i don t blame you. (audience laughs) - [june] who s this? does he live here? - oh, yes, that s my son ronnie. (girls gasp) - isn t he handsome? - he is nice. - [all] real nice. (audience laughs) - well, just put your things up in the guest room at the head of the stairs. the house ll be a little crowded, so i ll figure out where to put my husband later. (audience laughs) (girls chattering) - well, now mrs. burns, the reason i m going to san diego is because i feel that my daughters need a mother. now my cousin wrote me from down there that there s a little widow who is just as anxious to remarry as i am. (phone rings) - oh, excuse me. hello? - hello, this is the long-distance operator. i have a call from omaha for mrs. blanche morton. - mrs. morton? i was told to try your house. - well, she isn t here. what do you want to