josh spoke some to me about the sexual abuse that had happened to him, but there wasn t even a way for him to tell me without weeping. josh had terrible anxiety attacks. his home was not ever safe for him. the safe place was being away and hiding in the woods. he was trespassing and sneaking around spying on people long before it was a criminal offense. i think that he envied people, and he would daydream about being them. they find beer in the refrigerator and drink throughout the night. steven finds jars of quarters
or so doses of thorazine and klonopin, and you might question how this could happen. about a year before this, steven hayes had made a suicide attempt and one of the thing they found in his cell was a suicide note. i quote, i am sorry. all i want to do is die. it is the only way to end the pain i go through everyday 24/7 and more important the pain that trial will bring to others. time to go to the last undiscovered country, although i am not the monster that josh is, i am one nevertheless. a coward, because i could not do what was right. looking back on my life, i was nothing but a self-centered asshole who cared only of himself. but the ironic facet to this is that i have always had the ability to change, but cowards don t change. they become me.
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more disturbing. his rap sheet we were right in the kitchen here. and we got a call from my brother, ben. and he said, i think josh has been involved in this home invasion. and i said to him, i said, home invasion? this was a murder. and josh was involved? you see the name spelled out, the komisarjevsky name. and you sit there, and you hold your head in your hands. and you can t believe it. and you want to cry. this young man is a monster. and that is not the way that we as members of this family behave. when we drove up to cheshire, my brother s house was just swarmed with media, knocking on the door, trying to get statements from them.
them somewhere and then get the hell out of here. that is what steven was thinking about. steven goes into the garage and he finds containers and he starts driving to find a gas station. when steven gets back with the gasoline, josh had changed the clothes of michaela because of the activity that he was involved with in terms of sexually abusing her, and part of that occurred while steven was out on the gas run. because we know that, because of josh s photographs that he took on the cell phone, before the bank. the first set of photographs showed mikayla and leg shots and genital area shot, but they were