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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20160203

Im like, ive seen the real you get off shudders its so scary. But its what you do, and its weird when you think about it cause all of us, were all here right now, like, living right now, because some dude once went like. gibbering shout isnt that weird . Have you ever thought about that . All of us. Because some dude. I know. And by some dude, i mean your father. Thank you, guys, very much. Im nikki glaser. Thank you. Captioning sponsored by Triage Entertainment group captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wghb. Org from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show im trevor noah. My guest tonight, peter bergen is going us, everybody cheers and applause but first but first, obviously, we have to talk about last night. The iowa caucus, after a year of waiting, after all that build up, people finally voted. Guess what . Donald trump didnt win cheers and applause yeah but ted cruz

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130130

Like, could i see all the slaves in the front, please . laughter oh, jesus. laughter well, we had a heck of a run, didnt we . laughter i just want to say, you guys did a fantastic job. With the chores. These last 250 years. Youll be free tomorrow. Please dont murder us. laughter violence doesnt solve anything. Oh, really . What about all the times you were whipping us . Touche, toby. laughter touche. Now, if you guys wouldnt mind clearing out your stuff, the mexicans should be here any minute to replace you. All right, thanks, you guys, very much. It was fantastic. Good night. cheering and applause captioning sponsored by Triage Entertainment group captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wghb. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central jon welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. Oh, tonights program tonights program i

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130311

But im gonna go home, save my cows up, come back. I just want to know how many cows i need. So hes like, who, lisa . Just give me two cows. I said, come on, man. Stop playing. He said, okay, one cow and a porcupine. Its my final offer. I said, man, be serious. He said, just take the bitch. Leave my name is naim. You ever have somebody mess your name up, but then when you correct them, they get mad at you like you did something wrong . How you doing, raheem . Actually, its naim. Well, excuse the hell out of me, naim. I did a show at this college. They had a poster with my name on it. Nobody knew who i was. My name is spelled, naim. My last name is lynn. So when the students came up to me after the show, he was like, man, i thought your name nah, im lying. applause i said, you must be on a football scholarship, huh . Nah, but look out. I got a lot of stuff coming out. Man, this has been a great year for me so far. This show right here. I just got my first movie, which is a big thing. aud

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