This is not a sign of addiction, but suffering without any object is precisely a sign of addiction, addictions are not only from chemical substances, there are also addictions from other people too, so your suffering is a classic case of the socalled emotional dependence on other people, which is why we experience suffering here, but because we give some kind of excessive status to some object. Ill set myself up a castle in the air, yes, the more idealistic this status is, the more we believe in it as what really exists, yeah, the more painful we feel without this object, well, for example, imagine, a man is walking, he has a handkerchief, he wiped his nose there, once he put it past his pocket , he lost his handkerchief, in which case is he without this handkerchief will suffer, well , when the runny nose appears again, when it is not necessary, he will replace it with a paper one. Or Something Else, thats it, oh, i lost a handkerchief, he always has it in his pocket, no, if this handkerchief, for example, was given to him in childhood, he will become a grandmother, and grandmother gave this handkerchief to grandfather, and grandfather , when i rode on a war horse, they bled there for themselves, like i m stirring now, i say, stirrer, where is my nursery, look, if this nasal clutch is given a certain status, then we without it. We suffer from this rag, and so sometimes this status really corresponds to reality, just imagine you really lost such a scarf, well , some person comes to your mother and says mom, i lost this scarf, can you imagine what a bastard i am, i didnt keep a family heirloom, and they tell him, well, you dont think that we gave it to you to wipe your nose, look, it s lying under glass in the safe, and we gave you a fake, a fake handkerchief, similar, but not the same, he will suffer, no, of course not, here you go now its important to understand that your beliefs associated with these people are actually fake, that is , a mistake, a lie, you deceived yourself, yeah, mikhail, why is she doing this . Yes, usually people who agree to relationships only with ideal people, uhhuh, how they treat themselves, also as an ideal person, you see, im so ideal. That is, this is really an inflated attitude of yours towards yourself, yes, i always raise the bar for myself, i reach it even higher, wait, but i didnt even hear that she was looking for some ideal, except for the external data, i heard nothing else. No, but do you have some kind of ideal in your head, this is your ideal man, this is how you imagine him . There is, but please tell us he, i, as a person come to moscow, who has everything at the moment, i want that if the person also came, so that i would be on the same financial level with him, at least come to you, he should come to moscow, well, or so that he achieves something himself, at least to do something in life, get paid, okay, he achieved it himself, has education, has some kind of job, yes, why, i think that a person should make his own way. He definitely has to do this, why cant it be any other way, why cant he just be a good guy who gets his grandmothers apartment . No, just because for alena, it seems to me, if he achieved everything on his own, this is confirmation that maybe she wont have to pay for groceries next time, yes, no, no, well, a more independent person, no, okay , why cant it be different, just because you dont want it, someone will help you when. You got it into your head or you yourself, why cant it be otherwise, why cant you win the lottery, well, this is the second time a man won the lottery, but he got everything from his mother, grandmother, grandfather, everything is there. Well, hes lazy, no, well, wait, you have some image in mind in your head, but you choose others, and at the same time you suffer, why, because you think that this is not possible, but this is also possible , in fact, what you told us about him being lazy, i dont know what he is like, but he might be like that, as you describe him, no, he is already normal, its just that you can also enter into relationships with such people, the main thing is to enter into relationships with them, and not with your fantasies, lets talk about you and about your life now, what yours consists of life outside of raising three boys . Do you have, i dont know, some favorite time of day to lie down and watch tv, to lie down and watch tv , well, thats also normal, to go to the dacha with the kids as well, i honestly dont see any kind of dislike here. Yourself, you are quite, it seems to me that there is an overestimation of yourself here , i guess this all happened recently, because when we started dating the second young man, we met him on one project, where you submit your own projects, and useful for the city, and i submitted it with my project, he told me, when we met, he says , who needs your bushchinki, and somehow all the time i feel like this, when i won, he says, i wouldnt even think , that someone is interested, i say, well, you see, and after that he already has i probably had a rethink, so im wondering, youve been without your husband for 7 years, with this only 7 months. That it was in the middle there were no men at all, but i, i forget them all, somehow no one hooked me, but no one would inflict painful injuries on you, yes, we are still friends with many, these same ones help, bring, take away, yes, but you are not interested, you need to be hurt, yes, then you will feel what a good person, hurt me , impressed me, yes it is necessary, yes no, here look, again, yes, it is very important to understand that if you suffer without these people, then this is not a sign of love for them, this is not love, but i think on the contrary, that i love a person, thats why i am all the time, this is a big mistake, you romanticize your suffering, so its more difficult for you to cope with it, pain is just, you know, a sign of addiction, a symptom, this is important. Im healthy, but theres my pain, why . Well, because i came out like this, i became dependent on these people, yes, they are like a certain psychotype, these people, yes, you chose them based on their emotionality, they are similar in appearance, everyone told me, why not, by the way, how is your dad, tell me, good, wonderful, no, a little taller than me, absolutely, type, not similar at all alone with my dad. Dad, hes so kind, calm, helping, kind, calm, helping, hes very smart, an engineer, so somehow they went from the opposite, hes completely different, but not like that, the kind that chose who you are like that , you know, i set up in life that, that you need to be dissatisfied all the time with what there is that you need something all the time, you strive for an ideal, who is your mother, grandfather, grandmother, no, its not necessary there, of course, this figure is some kind of parental figure, but most often it happens, which once in childhood she said, its impossible, as if my grandmother told me, alyon, youre a girl, you cant do this, theres Something Else, maybe its not allowed, that well, well, you cant be content with achieving, you have to be a good student, okay this is constant, now we have found this parental figure, yes, that means its important to say in your head i can be satisfied with what i have, yeah, in general, you know, the word happiness is very consonant with the words now there, that is, happiness, in essence, is satisfaction with what you have now, sit down and write it down, because that when we use fine motor skills, it works very well for changing our attitudes, yes, write it down directly, i may not strive, that is, i can strive, but i can someday stand up, stand, live, qualitatively calm with what i have, i dont have to achieve something all the time, im the opposite took this type to show other women the blog that you can achieve something, despite the fact that you were alone there with children, brag about it perfectly well, you understand, the second extreme, i achieve nothing, the first extreme i only achieve, i achiever, but Healthy Mental Health is in the middle, this is still very important, yes, your chosen one does not have to be. He is not ideal for everyone, just for me, he does not have to be ideal, moreover, imperfection is what makes people healthy. And people who like it when they see the ideal, that is, god, but natalya the person wont let them gather, but the ideal is god, so these are the people who like the fact that they kneel before them and say youre my ideal, yeah, who is that . Narcissists, narcissists, psychopaths, in principle, not very healthy children, but they didnt have an addiction, yours, here are men, yours, the second one had an addiction, he drank heavily, his parents took him to rehabilitation in another city, everything was there very difficult, he was in another region for 3 years and then came to moscow, as he says, means life from scratch, thats it, once again, these people are not bad, its just important to understand that building relationships with them is building relationships with disabled people, just yeah, part of their personality is damaged, and from them you shouldnt expect any sudden, quick movements, well, i have. Another question for you two you have three boys, yes, and im now thinking that its possible, this model, of your relationship with men, can be attached and somehow distort your relationship with your sons, you can close yourself in bedroom, say, dont contact me, dont touch me, yes , i sometimes have online classes, boys, mom, i see that everything here is so integral that it can affect your children in this sense this is your feeling of guilt that you experience, its not the model itself, it seems to me that they see very clearly that this model is painful, it seems to me that your boys are really great in this sense, i really thank them, but you shouldnt feel guilty in front of them, why, because when we are in front of children, even the best ones, experience the feeling of guilt lasts for a long time, whether we like it or not, they begin to feel us for it. Well, you know how, i go into the bath, bawled and came out, i dont show them what i have, but anyway, come on, can you give me some recommendations on whats wrong with me, yeah, yeah, yeah , it means that there is something wrong with you, something wrong, something wrong with natalya, and something wrong with me, with every person on this earth, something is wrong, it causes you tears, the thought of whats wrong with you, whats wrong, just because you decided that everything was wrong with you, thats with the only person on earth should be like this, yes, thats it, everything is like that, everything is wrong with me , no, make a mistake, theres something wrong with everyone , but youre alive, smart girl, yes, cry, come on, alena, yes what, yes, wait, whats wrong with you, well, well, you dont have a man , the question came, whats wrong with me, something s wrong, and somethings wrong, but if you continue the phrase, whats wrong with me, how, how, what . That everything is the way i want it, the way i want it, alena, dear, when you say that everyone has Something Like this, you again see a certain cover, so you see some woman walking with a stroller with a child by the hand, well dressed, rested, i dont know, and you begin to imagine that a loving , caring husband is waiting for her at home, he really appreciates what she does for him, and you look, and you came up with your own idea, no, you dont know whats behind this womans doors. You see, you came up with this story for yourself, i can use the example of my parents, grandparents, well, everyone was fine, that no, you saw exactly what your parents wanted to show you, and there is also such a moment, they could be happy , they they could forgive, or they could not Pay Attention, they could move the focus to Something Else , you know, a very important understanding, yes for happiness, is the acceptance that life should not be. Ideal, because of the weather you are not are you nervous, or are you also nervous, no, absolutely, no , and why is the weather not ideal, well, ive already gotten used to it after so many years , so get used to real life in a relationship, otherwise everything is in fantasies, this is a podcast of the psyche, we are discussing how live when you cannot forget your lover, Mikhail Khors, tells our heroine alena how to act correctly and how to think correctly, you sometimes go to art. Museums , where there are paintings, landscapes, portraits and so on, have you ever seen an outstanding landscape or portrait, or some kind of household a scene, a recognized masterpiece, in which there would be ideally beautiful people, ideal new houses, an ideal sky, think about this the next time you go to a museum, Pay Attention to this, and you will see that we, ordinary spectators, are attracted to you those. Stories in which there is some imperfection, some kind of fracture, asymmetrical faces, not very beautiful, rickety houses, a collapsed bridge, this is interesting. You see, the ideal is not as interesting as the nonideal, different people, they can be attracted to Different Things in art, yes, but there are fantasies there and again strive there, just dont demand that it be ideal, because it will never be ideal there will be, there is always something to strive for, its wonderful, once again, there is no ideal, there is only your demand for an ideal, well, then youre becoming more mature, stop demand, well, there are still people who also strive for something. Why is it bad to lie on the couch after work just because because you behave this way and because i cant afford it doesnt mean that there is Something Like you this is good, but in another way its bad, also give up this opinion, no, well, if you dont want to date a man who lies on the couch after work, no one can force you to date such a man, why dont you want to, let him i dont want to feel weird about entering into a relationship with such a man. Suffer that he behaved in such a way that i think that he will change, it seemed like he was trying something, you can change people, but give them time for this, in this guy, the only thing that really, as it were, is the reason why with him it wouldnt be worth living, its that he got into your phone, and whats most interesting is that it was with him that i got some kind of banal unusual stories, i was on the subway, i was taking mine to the back , the name of the painting from the exhibition was written i also took the artists name, i come home, set the work, well, we sit, eat, watch tv, and i have my phone, it doesnt have a password, and a message comes from social networks , hello, i was on the subway with you, i liked you, so i decided to use your last name to find you on vkontakte, well, i found you, lets get acquainted , and this young man says what is it, i say, well, he read the whole situation, he took it all in, no, we answered everything without admiring it, saying, listen. Mother, well , in general, look, it finds you, like that, yeah, another thing, if you didnt want such a reaction, no one can force you endure this reaction, and then you tried to get him back, as i understand it, you tried to get him back, came to give up, i said, lets try everything first, he blocked me after that , he blocked me everywhere, deleted everything everywhere, he said thats enough, thats enough, i already tired, i say, okay, well, its important here, hes not tired because of you. He became because of his experiences, the essence of which, he himself said yes, im not taking you out emotionally, yes, once again, why isnt he taking you out . Yes, because he, well, didnt trust him, jealousy, you see, this is not, not distrust of you, its he who doesnt trust himself, its himself, he feels danger , competition, because youre like that, since youre beautiful, i just have and he didnt measure up, he feels that you need an ideal, but he. He considered himself an ideal, he believed, you cant even imagine whats there, look, hes there with one, its such a psychotype, its throwing him around, he feels like an ideal somewhere, he thinks, especially in words, he really needs to be shown why so, because he just doesnt feel like that, he said that he is a leo by sign zodiac and he is a leo in everything, that was his yes, what he says and what he believes are Different Things, so thats whats important, once again, yes, and, of course, people can be changed, the question is how many we are investing in this, here you have, technology for you and other wonderful active women, in general i believe that the future of russia is guaranteed by women, men are disappointing me more and more, especially when i go on the subway and see how they have abandoned feminists somewhere now caps air, thats how when i watch how they dont give way to women in the subway, thats all i more and more sad, here, but in a relationship , friends, now the most important thing will happen, now mikhail gives us rock technique, how can you build a relationship if a man is still yes. Doesnt reach, listen, pretend, pretend to be fools, uhhuh, pretend to be poor, poorer than you are, pretend weaker than you are, its possible, in a relationship its not necessary to always be sincere and as you are, or rather, as you would like to be, you can pretend somewhere and in something, thats possible, dont dump it on their men right away. At home, you see, lets now come to something even more important, yes, now we realized that not with the first man, about whom we talked with the second, well, you and i probably wont want to restore relations with alena, this is alenas task, i i dont feel like myself, simply because im not a professional , im a professional, as a journalist im telling you what and how women say, well, i dont want you to restore relations with either the first or the second man, but im telling you how. You can do it do or try, but anyway the responsibility is on you, and to do this, whether to restore or not to restore, is best in a calm state, and not because you feel bad without them, the second is now in this new status, having realized it, give yourself time to live, do not demand from yourself, you definitely you will start doing this right away, since i realized that this is not, that this is bad there, i immediately demand of myself to change, but from tomorrow, no, you will suffer for some time, and third, well, start little by little, yes, this is just directly saying the phrase over and over again, that the absence of an ideal is not bad, its not good, its just the norm, normality, right . Alena really likes to suffer, she likes herself in this state , maybe because for some reason she is a manifestation of love, i heard that when you suffer, you tell everyone how bad i feel, everyone begins to feel sorry for you, and thus you if you want attention, they feel sorry for you, well, honestly, honestly, all the girlfriends, all the friends, all the people around you, you need it, you like it when they feel sorry for you, but you like it, well, 50 50, when you like it, when you get bored, listen, and you do you like it when you are praised and admired . I like it, maybe you just need to turn the trick yourself, yes, there is alena, who is suffering, who attracts attent