Even on the coat of arms there is an astronaut of this city, and he really wanted to have some kind of a real specialty that would come in handy later a stable worker, a mechanic, but he didnt have enough education, this year, which he lost due to the occupation, only one now you can go to become a pilot, they all didnt want, who did what, why, when the first once we got to the ukhtomsky plant, here he is in his book, the road to space, he then describes, we were so scared, he says, everything is rattling, sparkling, lava is pouring, and then he managed nothing, by the way, these things are connected with training here in lyubertsy, at the lyubertsy school, and at the same time he graduated from the school for working youth, and both with an a, and it is stored, firstly, firstly, there is a desk there, we recently showed it in the museum, there is a desk there, and the School Director told me about the liberec school, the liberec school that now this is the tenth college, gagarin came to them in the year sixtyseven, he came and. Tell me why gagarin is everything for us, because everyone in our country wants to be the first in their business, because we are such a country which we want to go forward because gaganda discovery is our bond. Yaroslav, what do you say . Well, ill tell you everything is ours. Gagarin is an incredibly wonderful example of how to live. I already talked about this. That this is a lifestyle, gagarin still chose one that you want to envy, nobly envy, and if you take advantage of this lifestyle, you will achieve a lot, and some gates will open for you that you even thought about you dont suspect it, because its about being the first in everything, and not just gloatingly try to achieve something, its precisely through pleasure to go, you, you will succeed, i think so, so it seems to me that here in the museum, and in general not only in our museum, thats really. Cosmonautics, just in you need to go to all the museums, in all the cities where it is stored, you need to take schoolchildren so that they, in general, are charged with loons. Dear friends, unfortunately, time has come to an end, today we remembered Yuri Alekseevich gagarin, we talked about what he was like in childhood, what he became after the flight, how do you feel him, different generations, and today i had two wonderful people visiting me, this is an actor. Theater and cinema Yaroslav Zhalnin assistant for scientific work to the director of the Memorial Museum of cosmonautics vyacheslav klimenko and i Anton Shkaplerov and this is a podcast of space stories, hello dear tv viewers, you are watching the triggers podcast, we are with you, its hosts, psychologist tatyana krasnovskaya, psychologist, psychotherapist sergei nasebyan, are visiting us i am talking about a man, i could turn around, go in the other direction, at 17 years more like fate, i started working in a shoe store, and it focused more on men, and on purpose, yes, on purpose, so i accordingly found contact with men like this at work, and it became a little easier, and then i its as if ive lived my whole life with the conviction that men dont communicate with me, arent friends, or rather, and of course, dont love me anymore. At the age of 22, at work, i became friends with a colleague, with my friend, with a man, when at some point he introduced me, he said that this is my friend, i have at that moment there was a childish glee inside, such , lord, shes friends with me, really, but with the fact that they can love me and men can like me as a woman, everything is completely difficult with this, and i cant get past this barrier yet, how old are you . Now 25, could you tell us about your family . My dad left the family, i was 5 years old, yeah, and he left for another woman, soon my brother was born, at first i dont really remember how we met, i remember that we met, but very extremely rarely, these were meetings with his family, that is, they were always with his family, with his younger brother, with his wife, that is, one on one with dad, you didnt meet, didnt spend time, i had difficult contact with his wife, i always say that this is such a classic cinderella and machha, and she forced you to sort out buckwheat. Yes, well, practically , that is, there was always something wrong with me, i breathe wrong, i talk wrong, i eat wrong, i need to constantly lose weight, i was constantly told this at holiday tables, where all the relatives gathered, i they said where else do you put it, you need to lose weight there and so on, and 8 years old, my mother had to leave for 2 weeks, she left me with my dad and his family, my dads wife didnt like that i had long, kind of unkempt hair, she decided to cut my hair and cut. Me into a short bark at home with scissors, and i tolerated all this, i generally had it, well , i had the feeling that do with me what you want, just lets communicate with dad, but with there was also little contact with dad, that is , there were meetings there in childhood, it was me i started crying to my mother or my grandmother, his mother, by some incredible miracle, the next day my dad called me and took me there for some day and spent time with me. Well, it was also always not in private, then later i wrote a message to my dad there at the age of 12 , saying that if you dont want to communicate with me, you dont love me, just tell me so, as if , well, i have this uncertainty, because my mother, as soon as dad left, she told me until i was 16, until i told her myself, she kept telling me one thing, that dad loves you very much, your dad is wonderful, well, just like that , creating such an image like, understand, but he has a lot of work, so its like this. It goes by, so for me there was dissonance in my head, like, why dont they communicate with me then . At the age of 18, we had a fight, so we stopped communicating, we still communicate so purely to congratulate each other in a text message as a child, dad was involved in your life in some way, for example, if you need there, i dont know, clothes, you did they ask dad to buy it or what was it like . I know he is i paid my mother alimony, then little by little i started asking for some pocket money, and then it was like. I was asked there for some gifts for the new year, he had money, but he really helped me, plus, due to the fact that he had shoe and jeans stores, i kind of took shoes and jeans from him, well, hes just, and you worked for your dads , it turns out, they had a fight over money, apparently, but for 34 years there for months he was supposed to give me my salary, he didnt give it to me, well, its like hes everything for me, well, you understand, now there is no money, so at some point i just boldly told my dad that i dont go on vacation twice a year. I just knew that he went on vacation, bought a dog, a cat, well, that is, as if there was money for this, there was nothing to pay me a salary , and i said this phrase, to which my dad left and 5 minutes later wrote me a message, that i formed my own opinion about you, this was the last straw in my patience, when i said, thats it, i endured all these humiliations for so many years, your whole wife, her whole family, that i dont want to endure it anymore, its as if i no longer have the strength to accept, to understand all this, and he and i, as it were, two men appeared in your life, but at that moment you were already afraid of men, you say, yes , i also had an older brother, my mother had an older brother from her first marriage, how much older was he . For 6 years, i had a difficult relationship with him, he called me names, well, of course , yes, from time to time when i brought him to some state, he might not know me, he even once tried to smother me with a pillow there was Something Else there, as it were, but my brother passed away, i was 10 years old, and my brother died. Elder sister, generally the eldest person in a family, a person in a family, at the age of 10, uhhuh, yes, i already started somehow, well, helping my mother more than that, and then naturally my sister was born 9 months later, and since my mother was alone, we needed to be raised, she went to work a week after giving birth, all my sisters worries fell on me, and as i always say, i raised my sister, i was the only one who slept at night and did not feed, here. Over the years, i came to the point that this was my first such request for help from a psychologist, why live, i didnt have suicidal thoughts because i came to the point that i never understood, that is, i didnt want to, but i just i didnt understand why, and i just realized while talking with a psychologist there that i took too much responsibility on myself, my sister was completely on me. That is, i dont know there, clubs, kindergarten teachers, being in chat rooms, i dont know there, everything else, i did everything, my mother was the breadwinner who brought money, i was fed, watered and did everything for the family, then little by little i began to understand that this was wrong, we had a difficult separation with my sister, she was very worried about her , tell me, now you live separately from them, yes, i moved in september, uhhuh, you are 25, you came with the fact that you are afraid of men, uhhuh, uhhuh, now we are here in a wonderful way. We will help you and what will happen . I will learn to love and be loved, now at 25 you also think that men dont notice you, dont love you, yes, yes, absolutely, yeah, despite the fact that i had a period when i was in psychotherapy, i had a period when i started having novels, and i had such really real novels, these are not relationships, these are novels, and at some point i i really felt beautiful, cool, but still my inner selfesteem was, well , great, now we know. That men want me, well, thats where it all ends , i generally have difficulty with close relationships, that is , i dont really have friends, i dont have any buddies, but in the end, with the help of a psychologist or yourself, you answered the question why to live, yes, for joy, for pleasure , how do you turn out happily, now no way, well, what is your life filled with . While i was in psychotherapy, i started doing a lot for myself, i started dancing, which i dreamed of for a very long time, i started performing and singing, this is also for me, i started to make progress at. Work, then at some point i realized that i had to do the next stage, i had to move out, i had to quit, because at my job i realized that somehow i have nowhere to grow, but what did you do . I was there, i worked at a dance school, so i came i just went there as an administrator , rose to deputy director, that is, i kind of grew this school quite a lot, at some point i realized that such internal competition had already begun with the head, and i left work, decided that it was all me. Nothing, well, that is, you are there , i dont know, you dont like walks in the fresh air, you dont like delicious food, you dont like communicating with friends, singing, well, that is, nothing at all gives you pleasure, no, because i have there is some kind of fad that if i dont im working, that is, im not being realized, im kind of like that, i dont have the right to. This life , and even if im trying to restrain myself now, i still understand that im unconsciously limiting my social circle, because well , the question is about what you. Come to me, trata, i loved spending time with him time with her daughter, and i just stayed too long visiting her at some point, and we didnt notice the time when the husband returned, the husband returned drunk, closes the door, sits on the floor, says i wont let you out anywhere, and well she starts to get hysterical, at least let me out vika, no, i wont let you out anywhere , i dont remember what he specifically told me, but i remember that this picture, uh, then he eventually persuaded her and we all went out together, well, she says , ill go take vika home. This is a spear aimed at russias northern fleet, the confrontation for the arctic will largely decide the outcome of the struggle in general in the 21st century geopolitical, russia has several key advantages in order to win this fight, jonos garstore or classic norwegian frostbite, heir tuttis dolls, tomorrow on the first, you dont could you from time to time shout out demands for the release of Yulia Vladimirovna . Now that you are in a confined space, well, in some room, and there is a man with you, how did it happen, the first thing that came to mind was moral violence, that is, it will not be actions, they will not beat me, i dont know, they wont touch me, but they will simply destroy me with words, uhhuh, and with what words, threaten me, that i dont know with what, i can do whatever i want with you, such power over me, uhhuh, here he is. You, how to say, yours presence frightens you , how do you live through this fear, how do you behave , you stop breathing, you close yourself off, pretend to be dead, what is happening to you there, i try to breathe very quickly, slowly, oh, or rather quickly, breathe very briefly, yes, the kind that is very superficial, i huddle in a corner, that is, i sort of sit on the floor, press myself close, trying to imagine it as much as possible. In my head that i m not here and nothing is happening, uhhuh, take up as little space as possible, yes, yes, have you ever been in childhood, perhaps you have there are some such memories of witnessing a casual sexual relationship between your parents or your mother with her man of some kind, no, but at the same time you understand that they had a sexual relationship, yes, of course, how it could look in your opinion, not in the sense of sex itself, thats where you are, where are they at this moment, hmm, what am i in the next room . I was in the room with my brother, and my parents were with the driver, and they were doing something there, yes, but i never heard anything, i didnt see anything, thank god, but. if they are doing something there, then whats wrong with you is happening at this moment, we are now fantasizing, well, there is such curiosity about what is happening there, that is, such control , is everything okay, is everything good, control, yes, never in my family, well, that is, my mother was there before, when dad and i got on well, i dont remember ever raising their voices , that is, well, accordingly, they never beat me, i never saw assault, plus at the same time , i never saw. Between parents, but you feel right away if something is wrong so, now i have learned to feel people clearly, of course this helps me in my work, but i get in the way in life , it gets in the way a lot in life, i started to feel people strongly, i understand how to communicate with whom, that is, i understand with whom you can joke, with whom you cant, in what mood someone is in, most likely, well, because im right now ill start behaving in such a way that it will seem to you that i m thinking some kind of garbage about you, is that right . It means that i think, that s what its all about, i agree, which means you read it before it happens, it means you re making it up, and this is quite normal, in a family in which you are emotionally blocked, well, relationships, yes, when you need to understand that you cannot do anything so as not to spoil this strange status quo, yes, thats why i have a big problem with manifestation, you are afraid of being inappropriate, uh, yes, in any of your emotional reactions, be it laughter, be it a request, in general, what is the danger of being loud, there, bright, and , for example, i will laugh loudly, is it all about me being arrogant, even to some extent . This, everyone will look and laugh at me, and since i was bullied a lot at school, well, i i know what it is when they mock you, make jokes, and do some things, why are they doing this to you, i dont know , this was probably one of the biggest questions when i grew up, why . For what . Because i was quieter than water, lower than the grass , always, but i was always on the lookout for something with me, i dont know, well, just namecalling, i even had a case, once, we were in a childrens camp with a school, with us there were two girls, high school students, 3 years older than me, we lived in the same, well, kind of room and. And once again returning i come from a walk there and see that my bed is all smeared with feces, when , as if i was standing, i say why i, well , of course, the teachers tried, firstly, they immediately kicked the girls out of the camp, their parents took them there, but this is the state, why after that i finally got the feeling that something was wrong with me and thats how you answered this question, whats wrong with you . Its not that i was invisible, no, look, now sitting in front of me is a twentyfiveyearold woman, beautiful, bright, very attractive in every sense of the word woman, thank you, this is not a compliment , this is not a compliment, but you know, in this sense , the words of ilf and petrov suit you very well when they described madame gritsatsueva, all so airy , inviting kisses, because you dressed up for a kiss. Then it is very directly organic for you, thats why i say, you answered, or you are a person who answered the question for himself, why they bullied me at school, they bullied me, there, well, i understand, i understand, there, i i was, i dont know, an upstart, lets assume, yes, and so they hurt me, i understood, now i, accordingly, an upstart, conscious, adult, and no one can hurt me, so, i dont understand yet who you are, are you the one who answered this question, or the one who never answered it. And i have an assumption, its hard for me to have contact with people there, i was there as a child, because i never reacted to their actions in my direction, that is, i didnt have, i didnt give a back reaction, that is, i they hurt me, it wasnt there that i burst into tears in front of them, that is, i was just a flint, it was at home that i frightened, well, in general, well, that is, for me to sit like this and get me out, you have to really try really hard, but then of course it gives off a very big feeling that i come there. Home, it leaves a strong imprint on me, but its necessary have fantastic patience, but you get sick at school, you have a match who complains all the time. Shows that you have been witnessing permanent violence in your family for quite a long, long period, and i will assume, this is purely a fantasy, that just before the age of 5, and i will assume right now that your father raped your mother, emotionally, as you put it, and that this was a state in which she could not move, in which she absolutely froze in the relationship. Now i have the feeling that i understand that i am talking to a person with quite serious posttraumatic syndrome, and this posttraumatic syndrome arose as a result of the fact that it was as if you were forced to watch with your eyes wide open for a long time as one person mocks above the other, it is quite possible that i am directly imagining the picture that i small, she comes close to me, but i dont understand whether its a man or a woman, very close. She speaks very quietly, but very menacingly, and i say that shes blocking me, and for some reason i just understand what i am some kind of memory, well, it seems like from childhood , i cant understand whether its a memory or its my fantasy, that is, this is what came to me and that im just sliding down the wall and just saying please dont, well, so obviously i