Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20240622

No, ted cruz, carlee fiorina, scott walker, jeb bush and marco rubio, worked the talking points and cradled the special interests in the hopes of one of them after a period of what minutes to an hour would induce the money shop. And really, they didnt care which koch went off. To be fair though, thats not really why they were there. In the end, money doesnt win elections. Ideas do. I wish the whole world could see what goes on here. laughter jon oh, i think we see it. And i think it looks a Little Something like this. laughter applause you know, i wonder, i wonder what wry commentary the spider whoive wills above the pig would have if his rather corrupting picture oh my god, oh, she couldnt take it. Charlotte oh sweet charlotte you were supposed to die of natural causes, you know, under a shoe or at the business end of a rolled up news magazine. But the governor from wisconsin makes a good point. Though the world should see what goes on at these conferences, why hasnt the world been more aware of what goes on at koch events . Freedom partners founded by the Koch Brothers normally conducts its summer conference in secrecy. This year its a little different. They are letting us listen to some of the gop candidates. Jon ooh, yes, nothing says freedom partners like occasionally, partially pulling back the veil of secret president ial forums. You know, i felt the same way when i was invited to cover the american liberty patriot conference. I just said yeah, there you go. laughter dark, quiet, fed me through my anus. Of course we all know freedom has its limits. When one of the actual Koch Brothers spoke tow forum, that was embargoed and not allowed to be filmed because freedom. laughter saul koch one of the Koch Brothers said and i want to read the quote here talking directed to this i . Were headed towards a twotiered society, destroying opportunities for the disadvantaged and creating welfare for the rich. Jon wait, the billionaire leader of the secret political machine warned a twotiered society where were i get it. Shes reading the wrong tone. It actually went like this. People, were headed to a twotiered society thats destroying tune for the disadvantaged and creating welfare for the rip congratulations you did it we did it we did it cheers and applause so a tiny number of people have a disproportionate say on who governs the rest of us. I may not like t you may in the like it but at this point the billionaire patronage election process is an accepted picture of our electoral procedure. Almost every one of the primary candidates has a billionaire at his back, which means the life of their candidacies is now divorced from their ability to directly raise money for voters. Jon finally a democratic system that removes a connection between elections and voters. laughter our politicians will no longer be beholden to big citizens. laughter simple time management. You can spend all your time collecting 2 from millions of people or a little time collecting billions of dollars from one guy. By the way, these are very times. This organization is supported by people of great accomplishment, and intellect. David and charles have kind of harnessed that frustration and said instead of just being angry about it, lets do something about it. Im honored to be here, truly honored to be here, i appreciated the invitation. The men and women in this room spilled gallons of blood, spent their fortunes retaking the senate. You since have met the real david koch, what is he like. He is sitting right there. But even david, if you werent there, i would say good things. laughter cheers and applause jon you see, these candidate goes out to a billionaire conference begging for money. They wind up looking like a bunch of puppies. Try finding a republican candidate without will tell you that. Donald trump tweeting out i wish good luck to all of the republican candidates that traveled to california to beg for money, et cetera, from the Koch Brothers. Puppets. Question mark. cheers and applause jon who is this trump fella . I like the cut of his jib. Well have to look into that. Well be right back. cheers and applause lily lily, may i call you lily . I dont really know what else youd ca lily, i want an iphone, with a great data plan to share pictures of this smile. Well, all of our mobile share value plans come with rollover data so the data you dont use this month rolls over to the next. Wow. Using unused data for all sorts of uploads. My constituents love. To. Watch. Me talk. Todays leftover data means a Brighter Future tomorrow america. Write that down. Right now, get 300 credit for every line you switch to at t when you buy any iphone for 0 down with an eligible smartphone trade in. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Left twix® is extra crisp so it stays crunchy when we apply caramel and chocolate. Right twix has the same thing. They have packing tape like that over at right twix . Try both. Pick a side. Twix mine hurt more. Mine stopped hurting faster neosporin plus pain relief starts relieving pain faster and kills more types of infectious bacteria neosporin plus pain relief kills the germs. Fights the pain. Use with bandaid brand. Only pull n peel lets you pull it, peel it, play it. Fun never tasted so good with chewy, fruity pull n peel candy from twizzlers. Tsummer event is here. Now get the unmistakable thrill and the incredible rush of the mercedesbenz youve always wanted. But you better get here fast. Yay, daddys here here you go, honey. Thank you. Because a good thing like this phew wont last forever. See your authorized dealer for an incredible offer on the exhilarating c300 sport sedan. But hurry, offers end august 31st. Share your summer moments in your mercedesbenz with us. cheers and applause jon welcome back to the program. I am going to talk about my weekend. Is with going to talk about pie weekend. I got home from church around 3 00. Or you know, whatever time it is that churches let out and my kids were in the tv room watching fox news because cuz, you know, i dont have time to teach them morality. And i walked in on this. Jon stewart secret meetings with president obama. Tries to explain away his bromans with a bama. Does this dent his haloa bit . He has become more and more and more a tool, really, of the Obama Administration. It looks like hes getting like everybody else. If you serve a politician idea logical agenda, you are a propagandist. Jon hey, theyre talking about me cheers and applause jon this it so exciting. Im going to be famous laughter hey, you know, one thing i saw in that whole report there is they didnt seem to support their assertions with evidence. laughter you like to nail me as a propagandist. You could have just shown a clip of me shamelessly pimping for some signature policy like obamacare. Were going to do a challenge. Im going to try and download every moviever made, and youre going to try and sign up for obamacare and well see which happens first. cheers and applause jon i wont miss me. laughter a bit of a dick. But okay, that one didnt work out. But to your point of me being an administration stooge, maybe you could have done this, okay, demonstrate my consistent suck upitude with the president that is a way to make your case, that is a way to do it. Jon stewart making president obama over the libyan assassination situation. Sebelius went on jon stewart, got drilled jon stewart grilling nancy ples pelosi. Jon stewart mocking the obama reelection. Jon stewart goes sour on president obama. Even jon stewart has been hammering at this. Even jon ste wrt. Jon stewart want after president obama. Even daily show host stewart. Even Comedy Centrals jon stewart. If he has lost jon stewart im just saying. Jon what . What are you saying . What happened cheers and applause lost jon stewart. By the way, how often does a dude have to criticize the president before his name legally changes from even jon stewart to unsurprisingly jon stewart. laughter all right. None of that stuff worked in proving it, but thats not the end of your search here, howard and other guy whose name escapes me on the show. Heres what you could have done, okay. To prove improper collusion, find a memo from me to the president giving the president advice about my area of expertise, communications. Like me advising him that americans will only be patient with the war on terror if they are convinced the president is using the harshest measures possible. That wasnt me, all right. Im sorry, that was fox news chairman roger ailes to president bush. Im sorry. No that is the balance part. I should have watched rehearsalment i over and over again, i wrongly believe that i am helping howard kurtz with his case against me and yet i apparently seem to be doing the opposite. I have got one. Oh, this one, is going to blow your mother [bleep] mind. This one this one, fox, this one is going to make your case dead to rights. Okay. Imagine me on air being taught by a democratic op rattive as to the proper way to frame an important issue, not to clarify that issue, but to give it a decidedly advantageous partisan spin, this will be good. You call it a public option. The American People would say if you called it the government option, the public is overwhelmingly against it. You know what, its a great point and from now on i will call it the government option. Jon all right, no, no, wait. Okay, thats [bleep] up, that guy is a tool, that doesnt matter. All right. Its not like anybody in a position of editorial or moral authority at fox was caught in this damning political collusion by an as future media critic. Bill sammon foxs Vice President and washington managing editor issued a memo telling the troops lets not slip back into calling it the public option. Please use the Term Government run Health Insurance or when brevity is a concern, government option whenever possible. Jon . And the troops fell into line. Jon [bleep] im just playing around with you guys. Your hypocrisy isnt a bug in the fox model, it is the feature. Your job is to discredit any source of criticism that might hurt the conservative brand, by angrily holding them to standards you yourselves jettisoned in your News Networks mission statement. But i would be happy to listen if you make an actual argument. My hunch is this show has been harder on the Obama Administration and this president per capital that per capita than you ever were in your eight years of bush finger banging. Though, i imagine you wont get around to verifying that since you are probably still working on getting back to us about those fox lies 50 fox lies in six seconds we talked up awhile ago. Oh. And one more question, how the mother [bleep] case adduous, mother [bleep] whooo boom, boom jon, jon jon whats that . What . Jon, we have three more shows left. Jon [bleep] hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause real fruit in silky smooth dove dark chocolate. Dove fruit. Choose a pleasure less ordinary. Or your money back. With this guarantee, were literally putting our money where our mouth is. No, were not literally that would i literally wouldnt do that, thats like thats like break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Is caring. Ng because covering heals faster. To seal out water, dirt and germs, cover with a water block clear bandage from bandaid brand. This is an iphone. And it comes with something amazing an app store with over one and a half million of the best apps available. Thats over one and a half million, handpicked, aweinspiring, justplainsurprising, whoknewaphonecoulddothat, apps. If its not an iphone, its not an iphone. Only pull n peel lets you pull it, peel it, play it. Fun never tasted so good with chewy, fruity pull n peel candy from twizzlers. Jon well company back, my guest tonight, very fond of her. The star of amy schumer on Comedy Central and her new movie is called train wreck. Oh my god, hes calling. Why would he call you, you just had sex. Its probably a mistake. Hes butt dialing you. Hello . Hey, there. This is amy. I think you butt dialed me. No, no, i dialed you with my finger. Shhh. He called mes on purpose. Hang up, he is obviously sick or something. Yeah, whats up. I was calling to say i had a really good time last night. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out again. Will you say that again please . I was wondering if i could see you again. You know what, im going to call the police. laughter swrz please welcome amy schumer. cheers and applause jrz is with trying to goad them. I cant believe it. Jon i was goading them. That was [bleep] awesome. Jon it was fun. We were going nuts in the green room. Jon we have a nice show here, we do it almost every day, four days a week. I cant believe im here, your last week. Thank you. Jon thank you. And you know, let me tell you what happened. And i feel like i can open up to you. Okay, this didnt leave this room. Jon ive been banging it out 22 minutes a night, four days a week, and i dont think anybody can keep up that kind of pace. No. Lev laugh. Jon it is wonderful to see you here. Your movie is ridiculous. You know, you and i talked about, you know, i feel like your comedy is informed, it comes from a place of real intention and a show like this would have been so good for you but i hadnt seen your movie at that point. [bleep] a. Boy, did you make the right youre like an actress star [bleep] what . What . Jon you know that. You killed it, you killed it. Jon jon no. No. Jon put it on the poster. I do want to talk b and obviously, you know, this is a horrible thing but when you, this movie is amazing and what a great experience for you. But this crazy shooting that happened. That must have rocked you to your core. Man, what a bummer. I was, like legit heartbroken. Just to get that news. I got a call. And i had a lot of missed calls so i assumed there was a sex tape of me out or something. Jon right. And then, and i was kind of preparing for that and i was like, and then to hear that news, it broke my heart. Jon definitely. It was so horrible. I did a press conference this morning with senator schumer who im related to. Give it up for chuck. applause jon and yeah, its like, it was like. Jon and this has drawn you in now. Because i know theres with a woman from san diego who had reached out to you to say hey, is there any way you could maybe take up some of this. And you reached back out to her and say. Im on it girl, yeah. The second this happened, you know, you want to act. I wanted to go down there and do whatever i could. And so yeah, this has been in the works. And i was so happy he invited me to be a part of it. Jon i wish you well. Thanks. Jon in the whole endeavor. But this, for you, life say bit of a rocket ship right now, i would assume. My children, certainly, Walking Around the house singing milk milk lemonade. Around the corner laughter jon fudge is made. You know that is a euphemism. Jon i dont understand. But whats the are you in the stratosphere now, i see a picture of you and like Jennifer Lawrence. What is your oh, god, dont even start. All my celeb friends. No, she is, first of all, i love shes been on here, she is the coolest chick you will ever meet. Jon yes, i was not intimidated. No. She wound up, i was on once a year i go away with all my girlfriends from high school. We went to the hamptons because they wouldnt let us go back to marthas vineyard. Like no one would rent us a house. Jon you got thrown out of marthas vinyard. Off the whole island. laughter jon holy [bleep]. The kennedies ran rough shod over that thing for like 50 years. Thats what i said, thats what i said. Jon what did you guys do . None of your business like oh my gosh. Jon i am a sorry, i forgot, i forgot. Like back off. But so we go to the hamptons and jennifer and i and some friends. I was like oh were going on a boat tomorrow, you should come. And she was lake, it was kind of a hypothetical. And she was like i think im coming. And i was like oh my god. So i filmed a video of my friends telling them that Jennifer Lawrence, they are all like nurses and teachers. I said Jennifer Lawrence is coming on a boat with us tomorrow. So they are all screaming. And then we wound up going jet skiing and i was like ill drive. Ive got this and she was like no, im hunger games. Jon were you like backtoback, she is on, you are on. Yeah. Do you want me to talk about her. Jon no, no, i love this talk louder . We put in all these pictures. Jon but you know what that is . What. Jon that is the next moviest poster. Thats it. Jon tell me that is not a cop movie. But it became, its with a complete viral thing. And i am so then its my picture, next to Jennifer Lawrence, the last person you want to be next to. And all the pictures we took of us, i looked lake her coach in all the pictures. I was like im telling her to take a knee, im like listen, jen i think you have another picture, do you have another picture, because i am like i just lack like her applause like im coaching her. I thought the one time i have gotten paparazzi other than one time when they thought i was adele i have never been, so i go, i went stand up paddle boarding, okay, some people saw this picture, i hear. No idea, no one has ever taken a picture of me on purpose. And you know, that body language if you are stand up paddle boarding is just like, if are you a newly homeless person taking like a standup dump, you know, youre just kind of like right, if you are new york. Jon i believe thats how they sell it. Thats it. And so when these pictures came out, like i didnt even recognize myself. I was like oh my god, Alfred Hitchcock is alive and loves water sports. Like i didnt even all of the magazines. How cool swrz was it in a magazine and you were like, so just like they take dumps standing up, like that. Everyone is at just me dropping heat skrzs thiss awesome. laughter jon youre awesome. Train wreck is in the theaters now. Theaters now. Young amy schumer, thank you. After brushing, theaters now. Young listerine® total careu. Strengthens teeth, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. Its an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. Listerine® total care. One bottle, six benefits. Power to your mouth™. Imwell these 2in1s but also launchincome with a fast. And powerful intel core processor, which means youll have everything you need to take on whatever college or the real world might throw your way. Thats it thats it here you go. Get all the technology you need to prep for your best year yet. Save 100 on select 2in1 laptops plus get great offers with our exclusive Little Something<\/a> like this. laughter applause you know, i wonder, i wonder what wry commentary the spider whoive wills above the pig would have if his rather corrupting picture oh my god, oh, she couldnt take it. Charlotte oh sweet charlotte you were supposed to die of natural causes, you know, under a shoe or at the business end of a rolled up news magazine. But the governor from wisconsin makes a good point. Though the world should see what goes on at these conferences, why hasnt the world been more aware of what goes on at koch events . Freedom partners founded by the Koch Brothers<\/a> normally conducts its summer conference in secrecy. This year its a little different. They are letting us listen to some of the gop candidates. Jon ooh, yes, nothing says freedom partners like occasionally, partially pulling back the veil of secret president ial forums. You know, i felt the same way when i was invited to cover the american liberty patriot conference. I just said yeah, there you go. laughter dark, quiet, fed me through my anus. Of course we all know freedom has its limits. When one of the actual Koch Brothers<\/a> spoke tow forum, that was embargoed and not allowed to be filmed because freedom. laughter saul koch one of the Koch Brothers<\/a> said and i want to read the quote here talking directed to this i . Were headed towards a twotiered society, destroying opportunities for the disadvantaged and creating welfare for the rich. Jon wait, the billionaire leader of the secret political machine warned a twotiered society where were i get it. Shes reading the wrong tone. It actually went like this. People, were headed to a twotiered society thats destroying tune for the disadvantaged and creating welfare for the rip congratulations you did it we did it we did it cheers and applause so a tiny number of people have a disproportionate say on who governs the rest of us. I may not like t you may in the like it but at this point the billionaire patronage election process is an accepted picture of our electoral procedure. Almost every one of the primary candidates has a billionaire at his back, which means the life of their candidacies is now divorced from their ability to directly raise money for voters. Jon finally a democratic system that removes a connection between elections and voters. laughter our politicians will no longer be beholden to big citizens. laughter simple time management. You can spend all your time collecting 2 from millions of people or a little time collecting billions of dollars from one guy. By the way, these are very times. This organization is supported by people of great accomplishment, and intellect. David and charles have kind of harnessed that frustration and said instead of just being angry about it, lets do something about it. Im honored to be here, truly honored to be here, i appreciated the invitation. The men and women in this room spilled gallons of blood, spent their fortunes retaking the senate. You since have met the real david koch, what is he like. He is sitting right there. But even david, if you werent there, i would say good things. laughter cheers and applause jon you see, these candidate goes out to a billionaire conference begging for money. They wind up looking like a bunch of puppies. Try finding a republican candidate without will tell you that. Donald trump tweeting out i wish good luck to all of the republican candidates that traveled to california to beg for money, et cetera, from the Koch Brothers<\/a>. Puppets. Question mark. cheers and applause jon who is this trump fella . I like the cut of his jib. Well have to look into that. Well be right back. cheers and applause lily lily, may i call you lily . I dont really know what else youd ca lily, i want an iphone, with a great data plan to share pictures of this smile. Well, all of our mobile share value plans come with rollover data so the data you dont use this month rolls over to the next. Wow. Using unused data for all sorts of uploads. My constituents love. To. Watch. Me talk. Todays leftover data means a Brighter Future<\/a> tomorrow america. Write that down. Right now, get 300 credit for every line you switch to at t when you buy any iphone for 0 down with an eligible smartphone trade in. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Left twix\u00ae is extra crisp so it stays crunchy when we apply caramel and chocolate. Right twix has the same thing. They have packing tape like that over at right twix . Try both. Pick a side. Twix mine hurt more. Mine stopped hurting faster neosporin plus pain relief starts relieving pain faster and kills more types of infectious bacteria neosporin plus pain relief kills the germs. Fights the pain. Use with bandaid brand. Only pull n peel lets you pull it, peel it, play it. Fun never tasted so good with chewy, fruity pull n peel candy from twizzlers. Tsummer event is here. Now get the unmistakable thrill and the incredible rush of the mercedesbenz youve always wanted. But you better get here fast. Yay, daddys here here you go, honey. Thank you. Because a good thing like this phew wont last forever. See your authorized dealer for an incredible offer on the exhilarating c300 sport sedan. But hurry, offers end august 31st. Share your summer moments in your mercedesbenz with us. cheers and applause jon welcome back to the program. I am going to talk about my weekend. Is with going to talk about pie weekend. I got home from church around 3 00. Or you know, whatever time it is that churches let out and my kids were in the tv room watching fox news because cuz, you know, i dont have time to teach them morality. And i walked in on this. Jon stewart secret meetings with president obama. Tries to explain away his bromans with a bama. Does this dent his haloa bit . He has become more and more and more a tool, really, of the Obama Administration<\/a>. It looks like hes getting like everybody else. If you serve a politician idea logical agenda, you are a propagandist. Jon hey, theyre talking about me cheers and applause jon this it so exciting. Im going to be famous laughter hey, you know, one thing i saw in that whole report there is they didnt seem to support their assertions with evidence. laughter you like to nail me as a propagandist. You could have just shown a clip of me shamelessly pimping for some signature policy like obamacare. Were going to do a challenge. Im going to try and download every moviever made, and youre going to try and sign up for obamacare and well see which happens first. cheers and applause jon i wont miss me. laughter a bit of a dick. But okay, that one didnt work out. But to your point of me being an administration stooge, maybe you could have done this, okay, demonstrate my consistent suck upitude with the president that is a way to make your case, that is a way to do it. Jon stewart making president obama over the libyan assassination situation. Sebelius went on jon stewart, got drilled jon stewart grilling nancy ples pelosi. Jon stewart mocking the obama reelection. Jon stewart goes sour on president obama. Even jon stewart has been hammering at this. Even jon ste wrt. Jon stewart want after president obama. Even daily show host stewart. Even Comedy Central<\/a>s jon stewart. If he has lost jon stewart im just saying. Jon what . What are you saying . What happened cheers and applause lost jon stewart. By the way, how often does a dude have to criticize the president before his name legally changes from even jon stewart to unsurprisingly jon stewart. laughter all right. None of that stuff worked in proving it, but thats not the end of your search here, howard and other guy whose name escapes me on the show. Heres what you could have done, okay. To prove improper collusion, find a memo from me to the president giving the president advice about my area of expertise, communications. Like me advising him that americans will only be patient with the war on terror if they are convinced the president is using the harshest measures possible. That wasnt me, all right. Im sorry, that was fox news chairman roger ailes to president bush. Im sorry. No that is the balance part. I should have watched rehearsalment i over and over again, i wrongly believe that i am helping howard kurtz with his case against me and yet i apparently seem to be doing the opposite. I have got one. Oh, this one, is going to blow your mother [bleep] mind. This one this one, fox, this one is going to make your case dead to rights. Okay. Imagine me on air being taught by a democratic op rattive as to the proper way to frame an important issue, not to clarify that issue, but to give it a decidedly advantageous partisan spin, this will be good. You call it a public option. The American People<\/a> would say if you called it the government option, the public is overwhelmingly against it. You know what, its a great point and from now on i will call it the government option. Jon all right, no, no, wait. Okay, thats [bleep] up, that guy is a tool, that doesnt matter. All right. Its not like anybody in a position of editorial or moral authority at fox was caught in this damning political collusion by an as future media critic. Bill sammon foxs Vice President<\/a> and washington managing editor issued a memo telling the troops lets not slip back into calling it the public option. Please use the Term Government<\/a> run Health Insurance<\/a> or when brevity is a concern, government option whenever possible. Jon . And the troops fell into line. Jon [bleep] im just playing around with you guys. Your hypocrisy isnt a bug in the fox model, it is the feature. Your job is to discredit any source of criticism that might hurt the conservative brand, by angrily holding them to standards you yourselves jettisoned in your News Networks<\/a> mission statement. But i would be happy to listen if you make an actual argument. My hunch is this show has been harder on the Obama Administration<\/a> and this president per capital that per capita than you ever were in your eight years of bush finger banging. Though, i imagine you wont get around to verifying that since you are probably still working on getting back to us about those fox lies 50 fox lies in six seconds we talked up awhile ago. Oh. And one more question, how the mother [bleep] case adduous, mother [bleep] whooo boom, boom jon, jon jon whats that . What . Jon, we have three more shows left. Jon [bleep] hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause real fruit in silky smooth dove dark chocolate. Dove fruit. Choose a pleasure less ordinary. Or your money back. With this guarantee, were literally putting our money where our mouth is. No, were not literally that would i literally wouldnt do that, thats like thats like break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. Is caring. Ng because covering heals faster. To seal out water, dirt and germs, cover with a water block clear bandage from bandaid brand. This is an iphone. And it comes with something amazing an app store with over one and a half million of the best apps available. Thats over one and a half million, handpicked, aweinspiring, justplainsurprising, whoknewaphonecoulddothat, apps. If its not an iphone, its not an iphone. Only pull n peel lets you pull it, peel it, play it. Fun never tasted so good with chewy, fruity pull n peel candy from twizzlers. Jon well company back, my guest tonight, very fond of her. The star of amy schumer on Comedy Central<\/a> and her new movie is called train wreck. Oh my god, hes calling. Why would he call you, you just had sex. Its probably a mistake. Hes butt dialing you. Hello . Hey, there. This is amy. I think you butt dialed me. No, no, i dialed you with my finger. Shhh. He called mes on purpose. Hang up, he is obviously sick or something. Yeah, whats up. I was calling to say i had a really good time last night. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out again. Will you say that again please . I was wondering if i could see you again. You know what, im going to call the police. laughter swrz please welcome amy schumer. cheers and applause jrz is with trying to goad them. I cant believe it. Jon i was goading them. That was [bleep] awesome. Jon it was fun. We were going nuts in the green room. Jon we have a nice show here, we do it almost every day, four days a week. I cant believe im here, your last week. Thank you. Jon thank you. And you know, let me tell you what happened. And i feel like i can open up to you. Okay, this didnt leave this room. Jon ive been banging it out 22 minutes a night, four days a week, and i dont think anybody can keep up that kind of pace. No. Lev laugh. Jon it is wonderful to see you here. Your movie is ridiculous. You know, you and i talked about, you know, i feel like your comedy is informed, it comes from a place of real intention and a show like this would have been so good for you but i hadnt seen your movie at that point. [bleep] a. Boy, did you make the right youre like an actress star [bleep] what . What . Jon you know that. You killed it, you killed it. Jon jon no. No. Jon put it on the poster. I do want to talk b and obviously, you know, this is a horrible thing but when you, this movie is amazing and what a great experience for you. But this crazy shooting that happened. That must have rocked you to your core. Man, what a bummer. I was, like legit heartbroken. Just to get that news. I got a call. And i had a lot of missed calls so i assumed there was a sex tape of me out or something. Jon right. And then, and i was kind of preparing for that and i was like, and then to hear that news, it broke my heart. Jon definitely. It was so horrible. I did a press conference this morning with senator schumer who im related to. Give it up for chuck. applause jon and yeah, its like, it was like. Jon and this has drawn you in now. Because i know theres with a woman from san diego who had reached out to you to say hey, is there any way you could maybe take up some of this. And you reached back out to her and say. Im on it girl, yeah. The second this happened, you know, you want to act. I wanted to go down there and do whatever i could. And so yeah, this has been in the works. And i was so happy he invited me to be a part of it. Jon i wish you well. Thanks. Jon in the whole endeavor. But this, for you, life say bit of a rocket ship right now, i would assume. My children, certainly, Walking Around<\/a> the house singing milk milk lemonade. Around the corner laughter jon fudge is made. You know that is a euphemism. Jon i dont understand. But whats the are you in the stratosphere now, i see a picture of you and like Jennifer Lawrence<\/a>. What is your oh, god, dont even start. All my celeb friends. No, she is, first of all, i love shes been on here, she is the coolest chick you will ever meet. Jon yes, i was not intimidated. No. She wound up, i was on once a year i go away with all my girlfriends from high school. We went to the hamptons because they wouldnt let us go back to marthas vineyard. Like no one would rent us a house. Jon you got thrown out of marthas vinyard. Off the whole island. laughter jon holy [bleep]. The kennedies ran rough shod over that thing for like 50 years. Thats what i said, thats what i said. Jon what did you guys do . None of your business like oh my gosh. Jon i am a sorry, i forgot, i forgot. Like back off. But so we go to the hamptons and jennifer and i and some friends. I was like oh were going on a boat tomorrow, you should come. And she was lake, it was kind of a hypothetical. And she was like i think im coming. And i was like oh my god. So i filmed a video of my friends telling them that Jennifer Lawrence<\/a>, they are all like nurses and teachers. I said Jennifer Lawrence<\/a> is coming on a boat with us tomorrow. So they are all screaming. And then we wound up going jet skiing and i was like ill drive. Ive got this and she was like no, im hunger games. Jon were you like backtoback, she is on, you are on. Yeah. Do you want me to talk about her. Jon no, no, i love this talk louder . We put in all these pictures. Jon but you know what that is . What. Jon that is the next moviest poster. Thats it. Jon tell me that is not a cop movie. But it became, its with a complete viral thing. And i am so then its my picture, next to Jennifer Lawrence<\/a>, the last person you want to be next to. And all the pictures we took of us, i looked lake her coach in all the pictures. I was like im telling her to take a knee, im like listen, jen i think you have another picture, do you have another picture, because i am like i just lack like her applause like im coaching her. I thought the one time i have gotten paparazzi other than one time when they thought i was adele i have never been, so i go, i went stand up paddle boarding, okay, some people saw this picture, i hear. No idea, no one has ever taken a picture of me on purpose. And you know, that body language if you are stand up paddle boarding is just like, if are you a newly homeless person taking like a standup dump, you know, youre just kind of like right, if you are new york. Jon i believe thats how they sell it. Thats it. And so when these pictures came out, like i didnt even recognize myself. I was like oh my god, Alfred Hitchcock<\/a> is alive and loves water sports. Like i didnt even all of the magazines. How cool swrz was it in a magazine and you were like, so just like they take dumps standing up, like that. Everyone is at just me dropping heat skrzs thiss awesome. laughter jon youre awesome. Train wreck is in the theaters now. Theaters now. Young amy schumer, thank you. After brushing, theaters now. Young listerine\u00ae total careu. Strengthens teeth, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. Its an easy way to give listerine\u00ae total care to the total family. Listerine\u00ae total care. One bottle, six benefits. Power to your mouth\u2122. Imwell these 2in1s but also launchincome with a fast. And powerful intel core processor, which means youll have everything you need to take on whatever college or the real world might throw your way. Thats it thats it here you go. Get all the technology you need to prep for your best year yet. Save 100 on select 2in1 laptops plus get great offers with our exclusive College Student<\/a> deals. Expert service. Unbeatable price. Best buy. Steak and unlimited shrimp is back for just 15. 99 for a limited time. Try unlimited garlic herb butter. Or crispy shrimp for just 15. 99 and let the bold flavors. Speak for themselves with unlimited shrimp at outback kids, juicy fyeah. Gum with starburst flavors . mmm. mmm. zipper noise zipper noise baby rattle shaking juicy fruit so sweet you cant help but chew. Aaflac . Aflac i thought you said this guy was the best . Oh, hes a horrible stylist. Gah . But hes the best at paying claims fast really. Mmhmm. Paid mine in just one day. One day . Yea. Aaaflaaaac in just one day, we approve and pay. One day pay, only from aflac. If you cant stand the heat, get off the test track. Get the mercedesbenz youve been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedesbenz dealer. But hurry, offers end august 31st. Share your summer moments in your mercedesbenz with us. Start this school year off right with a little extra credit from at t. Right now, switch to at t and get 300 credit when you trade in a smartphone and buy any smartphone for 0 down. With 300 credit per line, getting ahead this school year is easier with at t. Jon thats our show, here it is, your moment of zen. Trump obviously financing his own campaign, didnt have to go asking for money. I will leave you with this, throughout the course of the day, we have had dozens of people come up and ask what he with are doing and who we are here for, all asked if trump was here and pretty of all of whom seemed [cceers applause] p no running welcome to tosh. 0, the show that only mmkes fun of people who ptruly deserve it. Tonight on the show, the pa web redemption. Pi introduce ou to the strongest, ost beautiful woman in all of the amazoo. And i put an end to bbos icing bros. Now if you please, takeeme back toothat beautifuu pool. Cannonbbll he went with the can opener. [lauggter] probably tore his gooch. [laughter] this viieo confirms two stereotypes whites can jump, swim. Akfully they can all [llughter] id suggest wearing some aquu some traction. E. P tried to jumm ovvr my infiiity pool. I am o [bleee] ah ah ah. Mo money, mo problems. Aa i right, peeple who came tt a free taaing . [laughter] palright. 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