Are very different things. Also, baby powder isnt made out of babies. Ha crazy what were all learning in quarantine. Anyway, on tonights episode the hot gossip about kim jong un, Jordan Klepper gets advice from survivalists, and President Trump builds a wall around the entire country. Welcome to the daily distancing show. From trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily distancing show with Trevor Noah Trevor with all the negative coronavirus news going around, its important to remember that the world is not ending, its just on pause a very weird pause. You know like when you pause a movie and then the actors face is stuck in a weird position like so because this is just a pause, its important to remember to smile. And for that, we turn to our segment a ray of sunshine. Trevor our first ray of sunshine involves zoom, the Popular Video conferencing app and the reason why one corner of your house is so clean. An Animal Sanctuary in california announce add new service where they will be renting out their animals to appear in your zoom meetings. You can pay anywhere from 65 to 100, you can have a goat, lama, cow, pig or turkey make a surprise appearance on your zoom call, which is all fun and games, until the goat outperforms you in your meeting. Im sorry to tell you, james, but scruffy really had great ideas and blew you out of the water, so, ha ha, youre fired. But on the real, though, this is a really novel idea because, i mean, usually, the only animals we have on call from our company is craig from it. Close your mouth when you eat, craig we can see you its a camera a little advice if you are going to zoom with animals, please remember to be sensitive to your new coworkers, because otherwise things could really get ick awkward. So sum up, a great job all around, team. I think were going to land the henderson account. Excuse me. Im going to take a quick bite of my burger. Wow. Wow, really . What . Youre just going to eat that burger right in front of me . Thats my bad. Im so sorry. Im so sorry about that. That could be my uncle, man. How would you feel if i just started eating your granddad on a zoom call . I do not know what to say other than i am sorry. I am so sorry for that. Ha ha man, im just playing with you. Its cool. I eat a burger every now and then, too. Oh, you had me going, man, for a second. I thought wait, you what . Trevor i love cows. Now, insulting animals isnt the only thing you can do online these days. Andrew cuomo, the only governor in america who can pull off a track suit has signed an executive order allowing new york couples to get their marriage licenses online, and hes authorized clerks to perform wedding ceremonies over video. Now, look, if you ask me, i dont think anyone i dont think any one of us should be making big life decisions during quarantine. Okay . No one. Your concept of love is totally skewed right now. You can trust me on this. I spent most of last week in a relationship with a bottle of purrel. I mean, think about it. Youre blocked up with one person for so long youre probably going to forget other people exist. Youre going to be, like, youre the best guy in the world lets get married you will take one walk and you will be, like, what if i done . basically, any marriage during quarantine should have the same story policy as best buy. If im not happy with the product after three months, i can return it or at least make an exchange. Finally, a heart warming story out of massachusetts. A chain of hospitals there has started a new tradition called a code rocky, and what that means is whenever a patient is discharged after being successfully treated for covid 19, all available staff report to the lobby and they applaud the patient while they play them the theme song from the rocky movies. applause and i dont care what anyone says, this is so great. Can you imagine they play the rocky music . Its such an inspirational tune when youre getting out of the hospital, getting back into life . And im assuming when you get your bill, they play you a theme from jaws humming jaws theme you have to be careful with that music, that rocky music really gets people going. What if you play it for the patient and it ends up pumping up the coronavirus instead . I was about to throw in the towel but that music makes me believe i can do it its time for the second wave humming rocky theme thats your a ray of sunshine, lets get into the headlines. International news, starting in north korea, the country with 60year head start on social distancing. Last night the world was rocked by reports that kim jong un, Supreme Leader and man who cut his own hair before quarantine, may be gravely ill after secretly undergoing heart surgery. This was major news. I didnt know kim jong un had a heart. Crazy. Now, honestly, i feel like what probably happened here is kim jong un just didnt want to get on a family facetime call so he made up an excuse and it spun out of control. Another facetime . Aaahhh tell him ive got, like, a heart issue. Yeah, tell him ive got something wrong with my heart oh, thats genius, Supreme Leader because of your condition, theyll believe it. What condition . You know now, north korea has completely trashed these rumors, and they have said not only is kim jong un alive and well, but he even threw a big party at his house just this weekend. Seems legit to me. Meanwhile, over in kenya, the governor of nairobi came up with an interesting which to get his people through the coronavirus crisis. In kenya, the governor of nairobi is facing criticism for putting bottles of hennessy in care packages and calls it throat sanitizer. I think it created mixle reactions why am i giving small bottles of hennessy in the food pack. I think from the research which has been conducted by the World Health Organization and various health organizations, it has been revealed that alcohol plays a very major role in killing the coronavirus. If you see if you check each sanitizer, you will find out each sanitizer has above 70 of alcohol content. Trevor okay. Drinking hennessy might help you with many things, it can help you dance bert, it can help you relax, and it can probably help you try to bust a rhyme song at karaoke. But the one thing it will not do is help you cure coronavirus first of all, its not 70 alcohol, its only 40 , which is too low to kill the virus, and, no matter how strong it is, Drinking Alcohol doesnt kill viruses. Please, people, we need to understand this. So do not drink purelle, dont try that. And dont date it, either. Ill never forget that. I will say this, while this Governors Health advice isnt great, ive got to admit, his coronavirus fashion game is pretty strong. Look at that, man. He looks like the most florida man in africa. The last king of nascar. He looks like a transformer who got stuck and finally, from the start of this pandemic, germany has been one of the most thorough countries when it comes to testing for coronavirus, and, now, they are taking it to the next level. As part of the new program, German Police are knocking on random doors and then asking people if they can test their blood for coronavirus antibodies, and theyre doing all of this to see how many people in germany have already recovered from the virus. And i mean this is truly next level. This is like a cool idea and its amazing that they can do it, but, i mean, youve got to assume its going to make a few people uncomfortable. Knock, knock, this is the German Police asking you to open the door but in a cool, chilledout way, not like other ways weve asked people to open it who wasnt around. Were just here to test the purity of your blood. Oh, my god, that doesnt sound good either. Auf wiedersehen to the big story, as the coronavirus continues to sweep across america, leaders are trying to figure out the right balance between keeping people safe and the economy moving, while the rest of us are trying to figure out if we can grow tomatoes by planting some ketchup. Spoiler alert, you can. And even though medical experts say its too soon to reopen the economy, a number of governors have announced that theyre ready to start easing restrictions. For instance, in georgia, Governor Brian Kemp announced businesses like gyms, hair salons and bowling alleys are free to reopen by friday. Im not a governor, but ill be honest, this seems like a very strange decision. Bowling alleys . I figure thats the last place that should be reopened. Sticking your fingers into a ball others just stuck their pingers into. Might as well join a competitor sneezing league. President trump announced hes shutting down the border, mean while. In a 10 00 p. M. Tweet last night, President Trump said due to the coronavirus hes going to sign an executive order suspending all immigration into the united states, and my only question is who is even immigrating right now. I dont even like going to the Grocery Store. You mean there are people saying, hey, honey, im going to another country, want me to grab anything for you . But this is a big step for trump because, remember, twothirds of his wives have been immigrants. So closing the immigration system is trumps version of deleting tinder. Like most of his tweets, we dont know how seriously to take this but it obviously has some people alarmed because, after all, he is the president hashtag not my president because they didnt accept my ballot. Some of it is coming from the president s own advisors, fox news. Many families including mine, we have au pairs and we rely on them. I need her in my house so she can help me from my daughter. These au pairs come here on work vievisas. They have to go back to their country to get their visas renewed. We have been talking about that in my house. Hopefully the president will roll out a plan and well be informed on how this is going to affect all of our lives. Trevor first of all, many families here do not have au pairs. 0. 3 of families in america have au pairs. Youre more likely to have a show on quibi than have an au pair. Instead of trying to act like this is an everyone thing, what she should really say is, damn, this trump thing is going to affect me because i really care. People are willing to tolerate him because his actions dont affect him personally. This isnt unique to politics. People do this all the time, even with jokes. Oh, my god nigerians are funny yeah, indians do that all the time that is totally brazil. Wait, what did you say about russians . It was just another joke. Okay. I wait for you outside, and then we make more joke. Now, if President Trump goes through with this immigration ban, it will be yet another policy hes pushing through during the krone ma pandemic. In fact, his administration has already shut down visa applications, theyve paused the refugee program, blocked migrants from seeking asylum, and during corona, trumps e. P. A. Even drastically decided to cut enforcement of environmental regulations. So dont forget, while youre finally getting around to watching ozark and trying to bake breatd for the first time, donald trump is using coronavirus as an opportunity to do all the things he always wanted to do. The only difference is, when quarantine over and you throw away your bowl of yeast, trumps hobbies will be keep going for a very long time. Very long time. Well be right back. Hey allergy muddlers. Achoo . Do your sneezes turn heads . Try zyrtec. It starts working hard at hour one. And works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Zyrtec muddle no more. 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The daily distancing show. You know, like most of us, Jordan Klepper has been selfquarantining. So hes been reaching out to experts in survivalism and disaster preparation to figure out how best to manage his new life, and he does it in a new segment we call surviving and thriving with Jordan Klepper. In my new series, im learning how to survive and thrive while sheltering in place. Last time, i talked to prepper Stephen Renee whos an expert at fortifying the home. This is the hardened bunker. Does nobody want to paint the wood . Now im talking to a survivalist, an expert at fortifying the body, pat mack. Bam. Ive interviewed pat before. He served 22plus years in army special yops, Trained Police forces, authored the book sent nell become the agent in charge of your own protection detail and has nothing but great tips for surviving. Its pandemic pandemonium. If anybody will know it will be pat. Good to see you. Good to see you, my. I want to talk to you. We spent time together. Youre the most badpass prepared guy i know. Im a comedian so i know improvisers and sketch folks. Right on, thank you. How do we prepare for what is going on. Preparing time is over. That should have been done years ago. The frantic search for toil it paper. Whats that about . That makes the most sense out of all the chaos, that i get. But what if we didnt have water . What if the water system werent working . Where you would poop . You have to have a portable pooper. You had that so on the ready. Ive got a bunch of bags that are byo degradable. Not to bag, but i have a working one of those toilets at home. When its not working i just go to the gym. I can and have talked defecation all day, but this is about real survival tips. Time to get our blaze on so right now, weve got to embrace the suck. We have to embrace the ass wound of this thing. Embrace the ass wound of this thing. Is that oscar wilde . I have no idea. What should people be doing in the situation were in right now . You know, this is a great opportunity for selfimprovement. And if youre pat, that selfimprovement means working out with things you find lying around you, like whatever this is. I came to the right place. How does a guy like me whos stuck indoors stay physically fit . Youve got to keep things interesting, and you cant neglect the transverse plane. The transverse plane . Rotational exercises because you have to keep your back and core strong. In the transverse plane lies life saving and ass kicking. If im not doing this, no asses will be kicked. Right. Utilize stuff around the apartment . Yeah, got anything heavy . Let me see, ive got books, sapiens sapiens is good. Hold them out at arms length and then do lateral raises up and down. Yeah, there you go. I can see little suite driplets forming on your forehead. With pats guidance i was able to have an intense work out using common household items. Roll it up tight and unroll it. Do you know what to do with this . Never even heard of it. Four, five, one, two, three assist with your legs. Leg assist, leg assist pegasus . Are you saying pegasus . Thats a good start point for today. I wouldnt recommend anything else because im pretty sure you havent done anything in a while. No, thats very intuitive of you. The more time i spent with pat mack the more reassured i was. Pat emphasized this is not a time to panic and we will get through it. Dont beat yourself up if you werent prepared. Its human to err. But when we do, we have to learn from the past, prepare for the future and perform in the present. Yeah. Yeah lets do sch yeah, get you some lets do this in the house. In the house, yes. Lets do this here trevor thank you so much, jordan. Dont pull your groin. When we come back, im going to be talking to amanda nguyen, c. E. O. Of the civil rights organize rise. Stick around. Stick around. Well be right back. Stick around. Welif we werent able to stream anything, i think theyd be lost. vo we are all home right now. 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Hey hi the daily distancing show. As you may know, april is Sexual Assault awareness month, and although coronavirus has dominated the news, we wanted to check in with civil rights activist amanda nguyen. Her organization rise has Just Announced a new program, survivor safe haven, to support survivors of rape and Sexual Assault affected during the coronavirus pandemic. Welcome to the daily distancing show. Thanks for having me. Trevor it is really great to have you on the show now, unfortunately for a topic that is oftentimes overlooked and more especially during the coronavirus pandemic and that is the issue of Sexual Assault and abuse that is taking place in many peoples homes and just in the places where theyre staying. Tell us a little bit about what youre doing right now with your survivor program. Absolutely, trevor. This pandemic has been unprecedented in many ways, but in one way its been tragically predictable. Just like you said the spread of covid 19 is bei