Welcome to the daily social distancing show. Announcer from trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show, with trevor noah. Trevor you know, every day, were bombarded with so Much Negative news about coronavirus, that we can forget there is still some sunshine out there, and all we need to do is look. So lets kick off the show with our ray of sunshine. All right, first up, theres some promising news in the search for a vaccine. Oxford university has announced that, thanks to a head start taht they got from their years of research on the mers virus,their covid19 vaccine is already showing positive results and could be available as early as september. And, guys, i can tell you something . Im so excited to get a vaccine the first thing im going to do is make plans with my friends that i have no intention of keeping. We have to do something. Its been too long. We have to catch up. Im already in. Ive been in. Ill see you there. And then i send a lastminute text saying i cant make it, switch off my phone, and stay at home. Ooh, cant wait for the vaccine before you join me in my excitement, theres something you should know. So far, the vaccine has only worked on monkeys. And, honestly, i dont know how to feel about that. Because its our virus, but now were testing it on them. Like, how would we feel if monkeys tested diseases on us, like they did with aids . Heres something no ones thought of if we test the vaccine on monkeys, monkeys could become immune to coronavirus first. Then they get to have haircuts and go bowling, and next thing you know, planet of the apes. Anyway, congratulations to Oxford University on their potential vaccine breakthrough. And congratulations to the university of phoenix for their discovery that you have to peel an orange before you eat it. Keep studying, guys. In other news, everyday we have to deal with the horrible consequences of this pandemic. Its taken away our freedom. Its taken away our social circles. And now its even taken away peoples pants. Cbs and ups say initially want final leg of prescriptions journeys will be done by ground carriers, so people wont be getting their medication dropped out of the sky into their mailbox just yet. But the companies do say they will scale up the program if it is successful, guys. Very cool. We love it, will, thank you. Trevor okay, if i wanted to get my news from a guy not wearing pants, id just go on the subway. And props to the other anchors for playing it cool. Although, it would be great if when they came back to the studio, one of them would be like thanks william. I kind of imagined that report would be. Longer. But this just shows that people are getting too comfortable working from home. Just because youre at home doesnt mean youre not at work, people. And ill be honest, im guilty of this myself, which i am sure some of you noticed if you paid attention to last nights show. Donald trump, you look like an idiod have some self respect and, finally, if youre sick of all the news being only about corona and wish we all had Something Else to talk about, good news. Your wish came true if everything going on right now wasnt odd enough for you, take a look at this the pentagon releasing these videos of what they are calling unidentified aerial phenomenon. They were filmed by some navy pilots the last two decades. The pentagon said they are being released to clear up misconceptions after they were released. But the objects remain unidentified. Trevor okay, fall, no. Second of all, hellll no how is the pentagon going to choose now to tell us that there might have been aliens flying around . Weve got so much shit on our plate right now. I gotta watch the last dance. Apparently, im expected to wash both hands now. I dont have time for anything else and if the aliens arrived now, that would totally suck, because they would land in the middle of times square and be like alien we are here to share our technology and all the secrets oh, i guess this planet is deserted. Well, lets go home. That monkey has a cool hair cut. Some people are trying to come up with theoryes yes they might be here. Some people think they want to kill us. Some think they want to save us. But we dont know. We dont know anything. What if the aliens get here and say, greetings, humans. We do not need anything on this planet. We just came back to retrieve our pet dodos. Dodos. Yes, those are our pets so precious to us. Can we give you chickens instead . Why would we take chickens . We might have killed all the do dos. We dont know why. We just killed them. I assume youve seen john wick, so you know what has to this has to go. All right, thats it for the ray of sunshine. Lets jump into some headlines. Lets kick it off with sweden, the canada of europe. Unlike most countries in the world, sweden decided against a mandatory shutdown, and instead they just told their citizens to be responsible and keep their distance. Now it appears there have been upsides and downsides to this approach. On the downside, sweden has experienced almost triple the deaths of its neighboring countries who did impose lockdowns. But on the upside, the swedish ambassador has now said that stockholm could achieve herd by may. Yeah, and herd immunity is when so many people have immunity the disease cant spread as easily anymore. Its like when so many of your friends have watched a bad tv show that it spares you from having to feel the pain yourself. And if sweden achieves herd immunity, ill be so happy. Although, ill be honest. It always makes me nervous to hear people referred to as a herd. Nothing good ever happens to a herd. Its usually, get that herd into the slaughterhouse its never, i have a bunch of amazon gift cards for that herd so swedens plan is sure to set off a big philosophical debate should countries get slammed by coronavirus quickly and get it over with, or should they try to spread out the pain out over a longer period of time . In other words, is it better to be punched once by mike tyson, or punched 5,000 times by michael cera . Either way, a guy with a funny voice is hitting you. And, look, i hope sweden is right and every other country is wrong, because if they are right, we can end the lockdown and finally get back to our normal lives like, going out to dinner with our friends and oh, i forgot. Ah, i forgot. I have a thing that night. Sorry, i gotta cancel, guys. But lets move on, because while sweden is experimenting with its unconventional strategy, were learning more about President Trumps unconventional strategy of completely ignoring the pandemic as it was brewing. Breaking overnight the Washington Post reports u. S. Intelligence officials warned President Trump about the coronavirus threat in at least 12 classified briefings back in january and february, but the post reports the president failed to register the threat. Trevor yes, its being reported that trump ignored 12 coronavirus warnings in his daily intelligence briefings. Honestly, im not surprised spp if they gave him the information in a briefing, of course he was not going to get it. If you wanted him to get it, you had to make it kid friendly and then it would sink in. trump so the sick duck got all the other duckies sick . He should sit by himself until hes not sick anymore. I get it, sad duck. And, finally, because trump has turned every press briefing into a Joe Biden Campaign ad, you could be forgiven for not remembering that mike pence, Vice President and man from the crosswalk symbol, is technically in charge of the Coronavirus Task team. And yesterday, when he was asked why america just got to the testing levels he promised all the way back in early march, pence had a pretty unconvincing excuse. Reporter mr. Vice president , back in early march, you said wed be at four million tests by the following week. Weve just now got there in the last few days. So what have you learned about what went wrong a month and a half what went wrong over the last month . I appreciate the question, but it represents a misunderstanding on your part and, frankly, a lot of the people in the publics part about the difference between having a test versus the ability to actually process the test. Reporter so when you said four million tests seven weeks ago, you were just talking about tests being sent out not actually being completed . Im a little confused. John, i think precisely correct. Trevor ah, i see what mike pence is saying. pence youre supposed to just have the tests, not use them you know, like a penis. Like, what kind of excuse is that . Mike pence sounds like some kind of weird, shitty dad i promised you kids we could go to disneyland. Not go inside disneyland. Now wave to goofy through the bars. Go on, wave. Oh, and in other mike pence news, today, the Vice President toured the famous mayo clinic to meet with coronavirus patients and doctors, and turns out he didnt wear a mask, yes, at the mayo clinic, which is totally against the rules. In fact, it seems like they told him to and he said he didnt want to wear a mask. I guess he was like, its okay. I dont believe in science. Dude, come on what are you doing . Wear a mask we know you have one at home. We know what youve got, mike. All right, thats it for the headlines. Lets get into the big story. Last month, Congress Passed the paycheck protection program, which set aside 342 billion to help Small Businesses through the pandemic shutdown. Now, before most Small Businesses could get any help, that money disappeared faster than Rudy Guiliani in direct sunlight. And because of this, congress has had to come back with an another 310 billion. But things got off to a rocky start. This morning, millions of Small Businesses are still waiting for relief as delays, technical glitches, and overwhelming demand caused the Small Business administrations portal to crash within minutes of relaunching the new loan funding program, the s. B. A. Revealing twice as many people tried to access the program on monday than at any time during the first round of loans. Many lenders reported not being able to file applications for clients because the Computer System kept crashing. Trevor goddammit, man how come it seems like every time the government builds a website, it crashes immediately. Like, i have never had this problem with my website, picklesinsocks. Com. And dont tell me its because nobody wants to see photos of pickles wearing socks. Its adorable i mean, look at that look at that hes not supposed be wearing that sock because hes a pickle its so funny now, look, computer errors can be fixed. They probably just need to turn it off and turn it back on again. That never works. But theres a bigger problem with the p. P. P. It turns out that one reason Small Businesses havent been able to get their money is that the big businesses have been snapping it up. Reporter weve learned in round one of the p. P. P. , a whopping 870 million went to publicly traded companies. At least 75 companies that were helped are so big that theyre publicly traded, and some had market values greater than 100 million. Some of the nations largest restaurant chains are facing backlash, shake shack returning 10 million it received after public outcry reporter the Los Angeles Lakers organization is the latest notsoSmall Business to return a government loan. The team received more than 4. 5 million in the first round of loans. The lakers are one of the n. B. A. s most profitable franchises, worth more than 4 billion. Trevor yeah, it turns out the companies who are getting a lot of this Small Business loan money are small in the same way that joe exotic is chill. Ill tell you about carol baskin. And how come i cant say the n word . Even the Los Angeles Lakers got some of that Small Business money. And i dont care what anybody says, the lakers do not need 4 million. The knicks need 4 million to bribe their fans to act like they dont see whats going on. Now, its important to remember that although what these Big Companies did was shitty, it wasnt illegal. They saw a chance, a chance to get money and they took it, which is what companies are always going to do. My question is why didnt the government come up with regulations to make sure the money for Small Businesses actually went to Small Businesses . Its like if you put down a bowl of food for a small dog, you have to get the big dog out of the room. Everyone knows that. If you just ask the big dog not eat the food, the dogs gonna be like, ill think about it, but i think better when im full. So instead of keeping the big dogs out, the Treasury Department just left the whole thing up to the banks. And then the banks did what banks do, which is screw over the little guy. Reporter four major banks are already facing a lawsuit alleging they prioritized bigger customers, because those p. P. P. Loans yielded bigger fees for the banks. Reporter the Program Allows banks to prioritize existing customers, particularly those with large credit lines, over Small Businesses or new applicants. Reporter nearly 8,500 of jpmorgans private and commercial Bank Customers who applied were assisted by what some called a concierge banking service. Reporter if you have 25 million and you go to a large bank, the way that theyre going to get your account is with whiteglove service that your corner shop just is not going to have. And that means you dont wait on hold. You dont go through a web portal that doesnt work. You call someone up who picks up the phone and scoots you to the front of the line. Trevor yeah. You cant leave the loan decisions up to the banks. You cant let them take government money and decide who it goes to. Because, unlike a government, a bank is a business. Its always going to take care of its top customers first. So Big Companies werent waiting in line to get the loans. They had direct access to the cash. Its the same way ivanka has direct access to trump, while eric has to call and set up an appointment. By the way, eric, theyre always busy. They will always be busy. So, thats what went wrong with the first round of Small Business loans. And, hopefully, hopefully, the Treasury Departments new rules for the second round of money letwill go to the companies that need it most. But theres a big thing that a lot of people are overlooking many Small Businesses in america are owned by women and black people. And you know what many black owned and womenowned businesses dont have . Preexisting relationships with banks. So if the banks didnt know you before coronavirus, youre definitely not going to be on their radar now. Which is why experts fear that up to 90 of women and minorityowned business could be shut out of the loan program. Now, i dont know how you fix this program overnight, but if youre a woman or a minority who owns a Small Business, i suggest you start practicing your jump shot, because that might be the only way you get some of this government cash. After this short break, Michael Kosta will give us a grand tour of his apartment. So stick around. So stick around. Well be r [son] mom yeah. [son] i fell. Okay theres bandages in the cabinet. [son] im bleeding. Grab two. Sheba. What cats want. Hi, im joanna. And our favorite bar is crunch. Crunchy. 100 real chocolate. Embracing the crispiness of rice. Crunch. The chocolate bar all americans love. Embracing the crispiness of rice. Crunch. These days, weve got new routines. New responsibilities. And even a few new coworkers too. But the one thing that isnt new is making sure you take time to connect with those you love. Keurig. Brew the love. Trevor welcome back to the daily social distancing show. Just because were stuck in our homes doesnt mean we cant travel. Hi, im Michael Kosta. Before the coronavirus, i can convinced trevor to allow me to host a travel show through the italian wine region. It was the perfect scheme to allow me to go balls deep into a sea of merlo. But then we all went to shit, so now im stuck taking you on a journey through my apartment. Welcome to bleep , bleep , apartment bleep , larm codes 7978. Come on. Shit my apartment is a beautiful land of two bedrooms and one bathroom, world renowned for its natural light, its high ceilings, and its access to nearby parks, which i can no longer visit. It was colonized in 2017, after i was evicted from my previous homeland for, according to my parents, being 36. But despite their ageism, i have moved on. And now i enjoy this apartment immensely, especially its culinary delights. Here, in the centrally located kitchen, there are over three cereals to choose from, including oat bran for when locals here are feeling a little irregular. When youre in the kitchen, sample the national drink of my apartment, homebrewed kombucha, which locals praise as not as disgusting as it looks. In the middle of this bustling marketplace is an ancient heating device. A word of caution to visitors, though keep away unless you really know what youre doing. bleep who left this bleep on while youre here, be sure to visit the Michael Kosta museum of art and minor accomplishments, located on a neoclassical ikea dresser, it hold myself many prized treasures, like this autographed Regis Philbin christmas cd. And behold the crown jewel of the collection, a rare golden emmy. Although, relentless critics like my wife point out that its a regional emmy. But thats fine. She can tear down others so she feels better. Even though it looks and weighs exactly the same as a really emmy six pounds, 12 ounces. But whos counting . Anyway, this apartment is also home it a worldclass wildlife preserve. Arrange your guided tour to take in these amazing animals that this nor