I know youre actually a woman. Howhow did you find that out . How di i hired mexicans to spy on you. They saw you w working out at curves. U women cant be the boss in persian culture. Cant b nobody can know about this y can because men are all assholes. They make you feel ashamedamed for being a little big or manly looking. L but not lesbos. But not we accept other women for who they are inside. You do, seriously . Ha have you never even thought of being with anot another woman before . No, i dont even know how two women can. N make love, unless they just kind of scissor or something. Oh, yeah, scissor me, xerxis oh, yea ooh, that feels so super good. That fee narrator and so it was that les bos was saved. Ad the persians had agreed to keep it a lesbian bar, for no dyke should be without cocktails. No dyke thanks for everything, xerxis. No. Thank you, friend. Hey, arent you supposed to bey, aren Teaching School right now . Teain the school hired a substitute to cover for me. And so to find the sum of the two fractions,d thu you must always first check for the lowest common denominator. R all si. These guys are pretty good. Yeah, i think im actually learning something captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Comy trevor hey, everybody, welcome to the daily social distancing show, im trevor noah. Today is wednesday, aka the saturday of the week and weve got a great show for you today. Coronavirus is getting teenagers drunk. The lapd is creating more gangs, and you will never guess who donald trump is hornee for this time. So lets do this, people, welcome to the daily social distancing show. From trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world. This is the daily social distancing show with prefer noah. Trevor lets kick it off with ivanka trump. Senior aide to the president and winner of take your daughter to work day. For the last week many liberals have been calling for a boy kowt boycott of goya products after the company c. E. O. Publicly praised trump. And yesterday i vnga came to her daddys defense influencer style. Leading the news a can of beans could open up a wol can of worms for ivanka trump, critics raised etics concerns before she seemingly endorsed goya beans on twitter. The move comes a week after the companys c. E. O. Praised mr. Trump at a white house vent. In last nights tweet she is holding a can of black beans with the tag line if its goya, it has to be good in eng will be and spanish. Critics pointed out ivanka may have violated an ethics law from preventing white house employees to endorse any service or product or enterprise. Trevor that news is shocking. There are still ethics laws . I just assumed after trump became president the ostles of ethics violations got converted into a Storage Office for kfc buckets. Clearly they are prob hea like the contractors ef jea epsteins house, so you want a cage in the middle of your living room, okay, oh t is to worship sattal satan, okay, i will get a quote to you asap, in the face of ethics complaints donald trump responded by doing an even more elaborate goya ad of his own. Yes, yesterday the president released a photo of himself promoting a line of goya products from the oval office. I mean im glad the president is using his desk for probably the first time in months but come on, you have to admit, this is pretty embarrassing. He doesnt look like a president , he looks like a local athlete who retired 15 years ago and is desperate for money. This looks like the end of the shining if the movie was sponsored by bodeeinga and it is crazy how everything is politicized these days, even beans, liberals are saying boycott the beebs and trump fans are like were going to elect this can of beans to congress. This isnt going to happen with all foods im calling dibs on water. Yeah, water, water represents my political beliefs. And chocolate chip cook c. E. O. S too. But enough about bean because as trump is developing a side kaer in canned goods his niece is becoming a best selling author with a new tell all book about the president s person 58al life. And based on her interview this is not a book he would want to read if he could read. What is the single most important thing you think the country needs to foe about your uncle . He is utterly incapable of leading this country. And its dangerous to allow him to do so. Based on what you see now or what you saw then . Based on what i have seen my entire adult life. An if he were in the you were in the oval office today, what would you say to him. Resign. Trevor can you imagine having that kind of a relationship with your uncle . Rather than the normal kind, you know, where your uncle buys you birthday presents for you until sometime in your teens and gradually forgets that you exist. Now the book is released yesterday. And st already shot to number one be amazon. And two things in the book have stood out so far. First that trump paid someone to take the sats for him. And you know, i will be honest, im not even mad about that, i am mad that he didnt keep that attitude as president. Say you are president but then pay someone else to do the job. Like hillary, shes free. She could have done all the work and then as trump you could have read all the speeches. Today my Administration Announces that were increasing funding for Affordable Housing oh wow, i didnt see that coming. And the second shocking revelation in this book is when mary trump writes that donald once saw her in a bikini and said holy shit, mary, youre stacked that is so gross. All of a sudden your uncle picking his toes at the dinner table doesnt seem so bad now, does it. Because i mean i knew done all trump was a creep but his own niece . Like is there anything that this guy wont get hornee from. Im pretty sure if you taped a picture of some breasts to a tree trump would walk by like damn, redwood, i had no idea. Now you might be shocked at how gross the president can be to members of his own family but you wont be if you have been watching our show, because as we have been reminding you for years and years now, dont forget donald trump wants to bang his daughter. Yeah, i know, i know. It is disgusting. Now so weve talked about trumps daughter and weve talked about trumps niece. But what about trumps bish, you remember Jeff Sessions trumps first attorney general and smallest con federal monument. Bmp he worked at the white house sessions used to protect a pot of gol. But before that he was a senator from alabama. A job that he had hoped to go back to next year. But unfortunately for jeff, it is not to be. Former attorney general Jeff Sessions bid to reclaim his Alabama Senate seat has come to an end this morning. Former Auburn University football coach and political newcomer Tommy Tubberville scored the republican nomination beating sessions by a 23 point mar gun. Sessions was the first senator to endorse donald trump in 2016 but he fell out of good graises by failing to interview in the russian an proab. He backed tubberville. Let me site this about the president in our relationship, i leave with no regrets. And i think its time for this Republican Party to listen to the donald trump agenda. Im sorry, what . Its time for the Republican Party to listen to the trump agenda . Its time . What have they been doing for the past four areas. The only way the Republican Party could become more on board with trump is if they replaced the grks op elegant gop elephant with the one his sons killed. And to be honest i feel sorry for Jeff Sessions because he was in a difficult position here. All right . Cuz on the one hand, trump has destroyed his career and humiliated him for the past four years, but on the other hand, Jeff Sessions has to remain loyal until the donald gives him a piece of clothing. And lets move on to the black livers matter movement, the reason all the brands you follow started using black model this past month. Over the last six weeks america has been waking up to the way police specifically targets black people. And now some Los Angeles Police officers are facing the consequences. State attorney general Javier Becerra has your vote to access records generated by the lapd for the kalgang data baises, the moo Michael Moore withdrew after an audit of the gang tracking tool, clargs filed against three fours falsifying records, they believe those more than a dozen officers were still under investigation. Holy shit. Cops in the lapd have been charged with putting innocent people in a gang database. And the reason they allegedly did it is that the officers performance reviews were based partly on how american gang members they dealt with each day. So to make their bosses happy they just said everyone they stopped was in a gang. And this is basically the equivalent of putting your fit bit on your dog to get your steps in, except instead of cheating yourself, you are cheating innocents peoples ability to get jobs or housing and undermining Community Trust in law enforce. And you dont think about this, but this is bad news for the gangs too. Think about those gang, they thought their membership was way higher than it was. Recruited. Is through the roof guys, now we can finally afford that pool table. And you see, this is one of the biggest problems with policing in america. Police are incentivized to create criminals and crime because they get paid if they do. If you pay them more f there is more crime, they want to create more crime and more criminals. But if they lived in a system where they were trying to just protect and serve they wouldnt need to do this. Look at the reality of being brack in america. Its almost impossible not to get teajed up with the legal system in some way at some point in your life. And a new story out of michigan shows how it can even happen to children. A michigan teenager reportedly had her probation revoked after she failed to complete online course work for school. The 15 year old only identified as grace is now in a juvenile detention center, propublica reports she has been there for over a mnt and was originally sentenced to probation for stealing and fighting with the mother. The judge in her ruling said this wasnt punishment, this was a way that she thought the county could best help this girl. The student was placed in detention on may 14th. She remains there today. This is truly one of the most [bleep] storied i have ever seen. A 15 year old steals something at school. Gets put on probation, and now months later during the pandemic she gets arrested and locked up because she didnt do her homework online. I mean its Crystal Clear at this point that this system is set up to punish people rather than help them. Because i dont know about you, but when i was in school, kids didnt get arrested for stealing. Like when i was in the 7th grade darlington matjila stole a game boy from theesan pillay but the school dont call the police. The teachers just made us hold a fake trial in the classroom to see who was guilty. And once we reached the verdict as kids we decided that the punishment was death. And be in hindsight that was a little extreme especially considering that i was the one who actually stole the gameboy but the point is we handled it internally as a school. No need for police. If you ask me, the root cause of all of this is that in america, black children are not seen as children. Whether it is a 15 Year Old Girl in michigan or tamir rice in cleveland. American society acts like black people dont have children. They just give birth to smaller black adults who are born criminals. So look its clear that as much progress has been made recently, there is still a very long way to go in this country. And it doesnt help that the guy at the very top is still very much in denial. President trump attempting to shift the focus once again. He now says when it comes to Police Shootings of black americans white people have it worse. Why are africanamericans still dying at the hands of Law Enforcement in this country. So are white people. So are white people. What a terrible question to ask. So are white people. More white people, by the way. More white people. Trevor okay, okay. Setting aside the fact that black people are disproportionately stopped, arrested and killed by police, what is trumps argue here. Because this reporter was like cops are killing a lot of black people and trumps response was theyre killing everybody. These cops are lunatics. Blacks, whites, browns. All lives dont matter. I mean it actually almost sounds like trump is one step away from defunding the police because of how they treat white people. And you know, i dont agree with his logic but if f it gets us to meaningful plises reform, ill take it. I call it defund plus plus. Trevor okay, were going to take a short break. But when we come back well toll you how coronavirus is turning young people into old people. Young people into old people. So dont go away. vo verizon knows how to build unlimited right. Young people into old people. So dont go away. Start with americas most awarded network. Give people more plans to mix and match at a price built for everyone. 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Experience the thrill of a bigger world, in a lexus highperformance vehicle. Visit your local lexus dealer, in person or online, for exceptional offers, at the golden opportunity sales event. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. Welcome back to the daily social distancing show and yes, we are still social distancing because coronavirus is still out here. Now in some good news, i know we dont get to say that much, but in some good news we just learned that all 45 people in a major vaccine trial successfully developed antibodies. The only bad news is that a vaccine isnt coming until next year at the earliest. And in the mean time, america just set another new record for daily coronavirus cases. So congratulations to those 45 people. I mean not only do you have antibodies, you are probably going to inherit the earth, so have fun repop lating. And if you get hungry there say can of goya beans in the white house. Now until there is a vaccine the one thing everyone must do is wear a mask when they go out in public. In fact, the cdc director said yesterday that america could get coronavirus under control in four to eight weeks if everybody just wore masks. But instead, people are doing shit like this. Some americans openly rebelling against basic covid19 messaging. In jacksonville, florida, this rally to support a local lawmaker who filed a lawsuit monday against a recently mandated mask policy. New video of an outdoor dangs party in philadelphia showing people packing the streets despite coronavirus restrictions. It was music, but little social distancing and few face masks. A restaurant in florida is offering free food to guests who arent wearing face masks. The Grilled Cheese bar said it was not demanding face masks. The first 100 to enter without a mask received a free meal. Trevor oh boy, a cool promotion, free dinner for you and a free buffet for coronavirus. I cant tiink of anything less worth dying for than a Grilled Cheese. That is the one thing everyone can make at home. If are you going to make people risk their lives, at least throw a poached egg on there or something, those are hard to make because sometimes they float and then i just have boiled eggs and people are like where are the shell, i am like i do it my way. And if it makes you angry that people in the streets are ignoring the cdc, well, it et goes worse. Because now the white house itself is kught the Health Agency out of the loop. The. The cdc will no longer control coronavirus numbers. The Trump Administration is asking hospitals to bipass the agency and send daily reports directly to a new system set up by the administration themselves. Former cdc directors pending Washington Post op ed slapping the decision. They say st a political move, at a time when the white house just wants to reopen schools. Trevor what a fantastic idea. Instead of having the cdc count covid cases, we can hand it over to this guy. 41870 million that is 1,. Oh man, that is the 1, 100th time i watched that clip and it never stops being funny. But i guess this say blessing on the trump presidency. You learn so much about how the Government Works based on what he screws up. Everyone is out there like huh. I didnt know that hospitals sent daily reports to the cdc. But now that theyre not, im furious about it. Now one. Reasons that trump is turning on everyone from the cdc to dr. Fauci is because theyre against his plan to reopen schools at any cost. And that is what he wants to do. He wants schools open. Probably because he thinks it will finally get eric out of the house. But despite trumps pressure the experts are warning over and over again that reopening schools without containing the virus could lead to dire consequences and thats why some teachers are now preparing for the worst. The decision on whether to reopen texas schools in intensifies teacherrers are writing letters expressing their concerns, on social media educate ares are writing their wills citing what they call americas decision to prioritize money over people. In addition one teacher said shes establishing her medical power of attorney and taking on extra life insurance. Trevor if teachers in america didnt already feel undervalued and disrespected, now they are being forged to lit