Desi welcome to the daily show im desi lydic. Weve got so much to talk about tonight. King charles gets haunted by his own portrait, trump and biden finally set a date, and we find out which bacterial infection is sponsoring the olympics so lets get into headlines [cheers and applause] lets begin with king charles the undisputed winner of white privilege. Its been one year since he was crowned eldest boy, and he just got the photos developed. Mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled of king charles. Take a look. It is the first since his coronation. The oil on canvas work of art features the king dressed in all red with a red background. Hes wearing the uniform of the welsh guards, but theres also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder. Desi oh, god i just remembered i have to buy tampons. Buy tampons. Now obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits of the royal family. For example, Queen Elizabeth was often painted with her beloved corgis. Compare that to charles, who looks like he was painted with her corgis once kristi noem was finished with them. I do like having the butterfly there. It says i may be king of england, but i still love that song that goes come, ma lady come, come, ma lady youre my butterfly sugah baby its a great song. Its a really great song. It still holds up. Now clearly, this painting has gotten a lot of negative feedback. But king charles swears he loves the portrait. Which probably means hes having an affair with another portrait on the side. But lets move on from a leader who struggled with infidelity, to a leader who has no problem with it at all donald trump. Theres been a lot of news on the Campaign Trial today, so lets get right into it in another edition of indecision 2024. [cheers and applause] it looked like today was going to be a quiet day on the campaign trail. Its wednesday, so donald trump had the day off from his porn star hush money trial, which he was going to spend trying to guess melanias new phone number. But his archnemesis, joe biden, had other plans. Breaking news, just moments ago, President Biden throws down the gauntlet and frankly some shade to donald trump, challenging him to a debate. Donald trump lost two debates to me in 2020. Since then, he hasnt shown up for debates. Now hes acting like he wants to debate me again. Well, make my day, pal ill even do it twice so lets pick the dates, donald. I hear youre free on wednesdays. [cheers and applause] desi oh, shit yeah now thats the joe biden i know and moderately like he aint scared of nothin, besides natural causes. I got to admit, there was part of me that thought joe biden would be afraid to debate donald trump, because, you know, debating involves a lot of talking, and thinking, and standing. But woo the way he powered through that 14second video makes me think hes got this i dont know why he dropped this challenge now. Maybe he heard all those stories about trump sleeping through the trial and thought, i can take this guy were on the same nap schedule but come on, trump skipped every primary debate like it was foreplay. Theres no way hes going to accept bidens challenge. The former president responded to that video this morning on truth social saying, just tell me when, ill be there. Lets get ready to rumble. Desi oh, shit its on yeah lets get ready to rumble make my day i see dead people i want you to draw me like one of your french girls wednesdays, we wear pink welcome to Jurassic Park yeah, were making moves now biden and trump have agreed to debate but they still need to agree on a date and a host. Those logistics dont just come together within 45 minutes. President joe biden and donald trump have just accepted cnns invitation to hold a debate on june 27th. Thats just in a few weeks. Desi wow, okay june 27th joe biden is going to be debating donald trump yay i cant wait to watch. Like this. [applause] but yeah, everything moved so quickly. Biden dropped that video and by noon, they had scheduled two debates. Its amazing how when they want to do something, they can get it done super fast. It kind of makes you kind of wonder why they dont fix other problems this fast, but whatever well enjoy it. Now, obviously, there are still details to be worked out. Because even though joe biden said make my day, he really meant make my day, subject to terms and conditions. The biden campaigns wants the debate to occur inside a tv studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a speakers time limit elapses and they want it to be just the two candidates and the moderator, without the raucous inperson audiences that mr. Trump feeds on, and without the participation of robert f. Kennedy jr. Or other independent or thirdparty candidates. Desi yeah, i get where bidens coming from on this. You dont want crowds, because they give donald trump energy. And you dont want rfk jr. , because you cant risk losing to the guy with the brain worms. So they have to work out the details. Trump has to agree to bidens stipulations, and he might have demands of his own, like, every candidate gets a getoutofjailfree card, or the debate moderator has to be a lady, and she has to kiss them on the mouth like the old family feud. For more on this looming president ial debate, we go live to Michael Kosta at cnn headquarters. [cheers and applause] hi, desi. Desi michael, how are the candidates preparing . Both sides are buckling down, desi. President biden is doing his classic predebate ritual of a glass of hot tea and an iv full of methamphetamines. Meanwhile, trumps team is teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete with a spork, so hell be able to break out of prison. Desi okay, but michael, is all this even necessary . Both candidates have already been president. Were not going to learn anything new about their policies. Yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies. Its about giving the American People a chance to see which candidate, medically speaking, has the least [bleep] up body. Neither of them are giving us any details about their physical or mental health, so this is our only chance to get them in a room together and see if they can do president ial tasks, like talk coherently for an hour or not hemorrhage blood through an orifice. Desi okay, so youre saying the American People should see this less as a debate and more as a secret medical exam . Yeah, yeah. Yes, which is why i suggest that cnn add some additional stipulations. For example, the candidates should each defend their tax policy, while following this finger with their eyes. Or have them bend down and lift a five pound kettle bell and see who breaks the least amount of bones. Or bring out one of their grandkids and see if either of them know whose grandkid it is. Or simply just see which one of them can start a lawnmower. Desi okay, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental health, and whoever scores the highest gets to be president . Absolutely not. No, this is all a ruse. Once we get biden and trump in a room together, we can lock the door, and the rest of us can sneak out of america. [cheers and applause] then, we start a new country with younger candidates. You know, ones whose first kiss wasnt in the backseat of a model t. Desi but michael, even if we could do that, at some point, biden and trump would find their way to this new country, right . Maybe, but the only entrance will be through a spiral staircase, so good luck desi ah, youve thought of everything see you in our new nation, buddy. Michael kosta, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, well fight about sports. So dont go away. [cheers and applause] is you with me now . Then biggiebiggiebounce i know you dig the way i swswswitch my style holla people sing around now people gather round now people jump around go, get ur freak on go, get ur freak on go, get ur freak on i love this place, but i need better credit. Bad credit . You could just open a new card. But you kinda need. Ugh. Sfx [phone buzz] wow, i could build my credit that fast . Nice. Everything you need to outsmart the system. Intuit credit karma. Do you guys think we come here too much . Your cousin from boston summer ale octoberfest winter lager cold snap nah its sam season [cheers and applause] desi welcome back to the daily show. Theres been a lot of sports news recently, so for some thoughtful, nuanced debate, we turn to sports war. Announcer get ready for battle. It is time for sportswear, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It is literally free money. [cheers and applause] whats up, scrubs . Im ronny chieng and im Jordan Klepper this is sports war, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. Thats right i mean, thats wrong no, youre wrong lets get right to the biggest story of the night Caitlin Clark made her pro debut, and learned everything gets a little less fun after college. Welcome to the wnba, Caitlin Clark. The ncaas alltime divisionone scoring leader made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with 20 points in the fevers 9271 loss to the connecticut sun. She also committed 10 turnovers. Sorry, feminists 10 turnovers and her team lost by 20 points . In her first game . Ive seen enough, man. I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history. Shes tall, white, and didnt show up when it mattered. Shes the Jordan Klepper of the wnba. Whoa, ronny, ronny, ronny, im going to hit you with my car and leave the scene. Lets look at the stats, ronny. She scored 20 points. Thats 4 more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan oh, you want to talk stats . Its right here. I have a stat right here you. Jordan klepper didnt lose his virginity until you were 38 youre the goat of whatever that is. Heres your stat eat shit. Moving on, we are officially 72 days away from the olympics in paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep doodie, literally. There is a huge effort to get the river seine fit for use in the olympic games. A report from earlier this month said that bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise e. Coli to an unacceptable level and olympic organizers still hope the river seine can be used for the swimming events. Ooh, the river seine is filled with e. Coli . That is gross these athletes are going to pick up a disease at the olympics, it should be the oldfashioned way unprotected sex in the olympic village. Only way to do it. The only way to do it. Wrong as usual, jordan. I think the olympics needs more e. Coli okay . Because if youre a world class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea. You love e. Coli, ronny. I love it. The last time i came to your house for a barbeque, you were sprinkling e. Coli on chicken kebabs like salt bae. You know . Yeah. Your hospitality was for the birds, ronny. Two stars. I was puking all night yeah, well, i puke just from looking at your oblong head oblong face . Is that how you say that . The point is, just like 4th of july at ronnys house, the olympics are going to be rife with e. Coli. Which brings us to j klepps bet of the week, where you can pick which country will get the most e. Coli in the 2024 olympics. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling start spending, youve already won. And dont forget to claim your 20 bonus boost by entering promo code kleppersucks, all caps. I dont like that. I told you i didnt like that code its not you, its a different klepper. Fine, okay, thats just kidding, its you. Because you suck i suck, you blow, who cares . Were all dead inside. Get over it. Lets talk about sports. All right, speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in some hot water after making the biggest mistake any Football Player could make talking. Some chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by kicker Harrison Butker during the commencement speech at benedictine in atchison. Butker claimed that a womans most Important Role is that of a homemaker, and demanded that men be more masculine be unapologetic in your masculinity. Fight against the cultural emasculation of men. [boos] hey, i say we should listen to this kicker. Theyre the Football Players with the least amount of brain damage. Im glad hes speaking up for emasculated men like jordan. Congratulations, jordan. For the first time in your life, someone on the Football Team is speaking to you. You dont have to wear that fake varsity jacket anymore. [bleep] you, ronny, i told you that in confidence. Moving to a new school is difficult. It was a natural way to make friends. [laughs] anyway, this kicker thing raises a larger problem. Why do we have people kicking in American Sports . Americans handle balls with our hands, like ronnys mom. She does wrong, jordan. You know my entire family has a foot fetish. True. Which brings us to our bet everything wager of the evening which useless position player will be next to wade into the culture war . As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling it will fix everything. Oh, speaking of gambling, lets move on to our final story. Prosecutors in los angeles say Shohei Ohtanis former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost 17 million from the l. A. Dodgers superstar. The u. S. Attorneys office says Ippei Mizuhara used the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without ohtanis knowledge. This interpreter stole 17 million from ohtani . That settles it interpreters should be outlawed. If you dont know the language, you should just have to guess. Hard disagree, ronny. The problem isnt interpreters, its languages. We should only have one. I suggest english. Oh, big surprise. Of course you suggest english, thats the only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest brain. English is going to be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, im speaking the majorleague language here, why would i go back to triplea and learn finnish . Finnish . Thats not a real language, you dumbass it is. Its what they speak in canada, ronny. Read a book. But do it on your own time, because were on to our big bet of the night is this ohtani story yet another sign that americas normalization of gambling is corroding society . Brought to you by gambling. Remember gambling . Bet now. Live forever. Well, were out of time. Join us next time on sports war. Well be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark whos more likely to contract e. Coli . Good night, america. Gambling [cheers and applause] here are my top three languages ill never learn how to speak. Dutch. Dutch. [cheers and applause] [birds chirping] tosca, act ii vissi darte by maria callas orchestra del teatro alla scala, milano nyash by jaden holder do you guys think we come here too much . Your cousin from boston summer ale octoberfest winter lager cold snap nah its sam season do you guys think we come here too much . Your cousin from boston summer ale octoberfest winter lager cold snap nah its sam season kayak. No way. Why would i use kayak to compare hundreds of travel sites at once . Kayak. I like to do things myself. I do my own searching. It isnt efficient. Use kayak. I cant trust anything else to do the job right. Aaaaaaaahhhh kayak. Search one and done. Ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays ohlays bring on the frozen tundra. The grinding gravel. The cratered concrete. Come on road, do your worst. Well be at our best. Duralast parts. Designed to meet or exceed original equipment performance. Exclusively at autozone. Norman, bad news. I never graduatedt from med school. What . But the good news is. Xfinity mobile just got even better now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. Plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. I gotta get this deal. Thats like 20 a month per unlimited line. I dont want to miss that. Thats amazing doc. Mobile savings are calling. Visit xfinitymobile. Com to learn more. Doc . Whats the worst part of the locker room . Shareef axe. Axe. Brandon i like that. Shareef reminds me of like a designer store. Brandon this smells like a candle. Shareef is this a joke . You chose axe brandon i knew i had good taste shareef i thought that was a designer brand. This makes no sense. What has lunch become . We deserve better. This is popeyes new golden bbq sandwich so sweet and tangy. Lets bring flavor back bring taste back lets bring lunch back we dont make sense. We make chicken. Love that chicken from popeyes [cheers and applause] desi welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is an oscarnominated actor whos currently nominated for a tony for her role in broadways doubt a parable. She also stars in the apple tv series sugar. You were talking in your sleep. You were calling out to someone, it sounded like, and other other language. Do you speak some other language . I speak many other languages. What time is it . Its after 10 00. I should i should shower and start my day. I will get some coffee. Sugar, do you seriously come honestly believe that you can drag me into whatever the dash that is without having to explain it que . Desi please welcome amy ryan [cheers and applause] you look stunning thank you. Desi thank you for being here. This is such a treat. Im such a fan of yours. This is a treat for me, thank you. Be when you have so many iconic memorable roles. Gone baby gone, the office, the wire, murders in the building. [cheers and applause] right . I dont know why the standard is 6 degrees of kevin bacon. It should be 3 degrees of amy ryan. You are in everything [cheers and applause] and you are incredible and everything that you do. And congratulations. Youre just nominated for your third tony [cheers and applause] thank you. Desi it is so welldeserved. I got the chance to see you, it was such a treat. You are exceptional in it, and i heard that you stepped in with a weaks notice . A weeks notice. I got a phone call on late sunday night to step in, and i said, yes, and the following tuesday, i was wiped knuckling it on stage in a nuns habit, trying to remember lines.