Brian sherman gillums, jr. , what is your job . Sherman i am the executive director of paralyzed veterans of america. Brian what is it . Sherman i empower veterans who have suffered catastrophic disabilities, to help them find their way back into life. Him it is great work because it reflects my own experience. Thats what i get up and do everyday, empower people to help us carry out our mission. Brian how many paralyzed veterans are there that you serve . Sherman we estimate about 60,000 in this country, most have spinal cord injuries, but a number have multiple sclerosis, lou gehrigs disease, there is spinal cord dysfunction. The common experience is the profound effect that spinal cord dysfunction has on just about every bodily system. We are bonded by that experience. It is pretty unique in terms of the impact it has on our lives. We are sort of a core within the veterans population. As brian i read that the veterans that paralyzed veterans of america was established after world war ii. Is it a Government Organization . Sherman it was started as a club, a membership organization. Selfadvocacyut you had other bigger Veterans Service organizations of for a while that they were not advocating for the unique needs of veterans in that era. Things like equal access in society, research. You would die in 18 months if you had a spinal cord injury back then. In fact, George Patton was a war hero but he died of a spinal cord injury in 1946 because the medicine and research have not caught up with the desire to live with that injury. Over time, that band of paralyzed Veterans Group into grew into what is now a 76yearold organization, member led advocates who look for other paralyzed veterans and pulled them in and take care of them. Brian where does the money come from . Sherman 100 from individual donors and corporations. We dont take government funding. Him that is a struggle. Him we have to deliver results. We have to have impact, and we are proud of that because we do have impact. Because we are free from government funding, we are not bound by those relationships or having to deal in that way. We can be the opposition, and truly advocate for our members because we have independence. Brian what year did you join the marine corps and why . Sherman i thought about it, i was probably a sophomore in high school. Whoever did the advertising was looking for me. I think back there it was a dragon with the marine in dress blues. The sword. Brian where were you . Sherman buffalo, new york. I was smart enough to go to school but i did not think that was for me. I wanted to get out of buffalo and see the world. I loved the uniforms, but i wanted to be a military police officer. Im not sure why i have that fixation early on. I wanted to do that, and i felt the marine corps was the path because of the reputation of the discipline. I joined on my 17th birthday, my mother had to sign the papers for me to even talk to the recruiter. I was pretty certain the young age this is what i wanted to do. Brian what year was that . Sherman 1990, i joined boot camp right after high school. Brian what was your experience in the marine corps like . Sherman i grew up in a single parent household, my mother was the father figure and the mother figure, but the marine corps became that father figure. I gravitated to that instantly, i love the discipline. I love how hard it was, it felt like something i needed to earn. It took a lot of pride in the difficulty i endured to get that uniform, that title. But it fills a hole for me in my life. I think to this day i a lot of what i am to that early experience of embracing the marine corps as a father figure, embodied in drill instructors and mentors i had in the early years, and a lot of my judgment today, the way i view life, it began in those days through those people. Brian you and mentioned drill instructors. They have somewhat of a reputation for people outside of the marine corps, tough guys. You ended up being one. How did that happen, and what year in your marine corps time did you become a drill instructor . Sherman i went back to paris island in 1997, so seven years later. It was a choice i made. I was a sergeant in the marine corps, and that is about the time you have to decide what you will do, the recruiter option, become a security guard, a drill instructor. That is to give you a little diversity in your career. I said, i want to go back and be that person i admire. That is exactly how i pattern myself. I had a great set of drill instructors as a recruit. I wanted to him you lay them. Because i knew i wanted to emulate them. Because i knew the impact it had on me, i wanted to do that same thing for a lot of young men who probably shared my experience. I fancied myself as being that mentor and example that would shape their worldview, and the choices they would make later in life. It is an eclectic mix. You think of the marine corps as type a jocks, but you get the nerds, the gangbangers, the loners, they are all looking for something. Thats why the marine corps works, it get you that identity that everyone can get behind. Brian what was your approach as a drill sergeant that you decided to take because of the drill sergeants you might have had in the past . Did you have any rules for yourself . Sherman one thing i took for my senior drill instructor, you have to be an example first. You dont ask anybody to do something youre not willing to do, and to do it at the same level of excellence. You cant have a bad day, you have to be ready. I went into every contact with my platoons to be that model of perfection as close as i could become. Of course, we are all fallible, but when youre on a run, you dont show weakness. And you are consistent. That is one of the secrets of being a good disciplinarian, you are consistent. Dont go too far in any one direction, expectation does not waver. I think recruits appreciate consistency in the demand for discipline. I tried to emulate that as much as i could. Brian what do you think happens with a civilian who goes into the marine corps and it is a tough situation with the discipline . Him and him and and him and him sherman you get tested along him sherman you get tested along all of your vulnerabilities. Everyone has something they are not appointed to be good at. I dont know of a single recruit that was perfect at anything, marksmanship, swimming, running, being able to take stress. A lot of recruits would wrestle with things they brought to boot camp. You could tell the guys that did not have a lot of Good Parenting but wanted Something Better ended on a how to achieve it. You actually develop these sort of oneonone engagement with these young men, even though there are a lot of them, you try to figure out what is that thing you are going to overcome . For me it was a dad and wanting that completeness. But i think everybody finds that one thing they need to overcome, you all get the same uniform at the end. It is a true meritocracy, but you all at the end of it, you of all achieved the goal and you get uniform and the drill instructor shakes her hand. That means everything, because you have overcome a demon or something personal to get there. Brian what was your toughest moment at the camp . Toughest moment in anybody . For me or for brian from what you have observed . Sherman the realization that you made a choice you probably regret in that first week. I think you realize you stepped into something very serious, these are usually 18 to 22yearolds and theyve never taken anything serious in her life to this level. Once you get there, you are not a prisoner because you could leave, you can quit, but there is something inside of you that compels you to tough it out, it comes at a cost. You lose your sense of yourself. It is chaos, i am isolated, i feel alone, i dont know these people. At the same time, you understand you are going through a metamorphosis, you are there to be changed and transformed and this is what it takes, it takes understanding that this is what marines do and how they are created. You are being pounded like a diamond from a piece of coal. It is a tough process in the beginning. But if you can endure that, you will make it. And its just a matter of getting through it. Brian what percentage dont make it . Sherman it fluctuates. When i was a drill instructor, we had a concerted effort to not drop as many recruits. It was probably about 10 of the platoon level. I had one kid who was really overweight but was really determined, and i decided to keep him. At the end of six months, i did not recognize him. You want to see somebody really appreciate the change and transformation. While some instructors were quick to get rid of the weak ones, i tried to hold onto the ones who had heart. Brian when did you leave the marine corps . Sherman 2002. Brian what happened in 2001 . Where was your accident . Sherman it was in 2002, at camp pendleton. February 20. The day began pretty neat. I was training for the los angeles marathon, and we were in california. We were training with the pendleton running team and i was finalizing my affairs because we were getting ready to deploy to afghanistan. So i had a lot going on. Of an was, you know, sort life. \ion point in my i left the base. Brian southern california. Sherman san diego, the oceanside area. Brian near where Richard Nixon used to live. Sherman yes, a big base there. I got in my car, i left the base like i did all the time. I call it a freak accident because the was no rhyme or reason for how it happened. A truck, a semi truck got cut off by a guy whos worked in front of the truck, i guess he missed his exit. I only know this because i read the reports, i do not recall any of it. He cut the truck off, the truck swerved and i swerved to miss the truck and lost control and my car flipped three times, landed on its roof. That was the story, according to the report i read. Medivaced. They repaired my c4 vertebrae, and i woke up about three days later at scripps memorial hospital, and that was the new chapter. Brian were you married then . Sherman no. Brian what was your first thought when you woke up . Sherman my first thought was i cannot breathe. Breath . T i take a i wasnt sure what happened to me but i was on a machine and i did not know i was hooked to it until i try to take a breath and i heard it slow my breathing down. I tried to take another breath and it stopped me. I saw the connection, felt the connection through the breathing and i thought, im going to suffocate. I dont know where i am or what happened but i am going to suffocate because this thing is stopping me from taking a deep breath. That was my very first thought. The next thought was, how did i get here . Brian was there anybody you knew near you at that time . When you woke up . Theman i think it was in middle of the night and there whot have been a nurse walked by and he stopped and looked at me and then passed by. Yell but i could not because i was intubated. I remember he stopped, looked at me and then walked away. I thought, im going to die, ams guy does not realize i going to suffocate. I must have passed out after that, i dont remember too much until i was awakened again by the surgeon, who explained, and i am on morphine and all kinds of medications, he explained i have been in an accident and i accepted it. I am a pretty stoic individual, its the way i was raised, and the marine corps. But i wanted to know details. What happened, did anybody else get here, where am i, what happened . I did not get a whole lot of that until later. But my brain was alive and firing off, but my body was not connected. I was in two different senses of myself. Brian did you ever meet any of the people involved in the accident . Sherman i did not, i did talk to a police officer, a first responder. He gave me a brief explanation of what he saw, and then took down my story, he had to get details for my point of view and i gave him what i could remember. But i never did, i would love to do that, but i dont know their names. I would not even know where to look, im not sure if it is in the medical records or not. Brian who was held as being at fault . Sherman the driver of the car that cut off the truck was at fault, i found out later he did leave the scene but turned himself in a day later after he got an attorney. He was an out of work actor, a smalltime actor, nobody famous. That was about it. I think i wanted to detach from the situation by not knowing too much because then id hold it i didnthis person and want to waste time. Brian how long were you in the hospital . Sherman the first hospital, 11 days, which is about on average to stabilize. I got transferred to the v. A. Medical center in san diego for three months. Brian when did mom find out . Sherman either the same day or shortly after, a lot of the family was called. My family flew in that week to see me. I have family in california already, so they gave her a lot of details. It was really tough, because i am her oldest son. I probably had seen her just about a month before, and my sister two days before that. I was upright and walking around, and then here i am in this position where there is a lot of uncertainty about how this will turn out. It really did break their heart. It probably hurt them more than it hurt me because they could not control anything, they do not have information. It left a scar that i think runs pretty deep today. Brian a couple of weeks ago you made a presentation in front of a group telling them the story of pain and all that. What was the group . Sherman it was the paralyzed veterans of America Health summit that we put on every year. The group was about 900 spinal cord injury professionals who work with spinal cord diseases and dysfunction, therapists, doctors, nurses, social workers, anyone who would touch that population. We have this once a year, it is the largest in the country. It is also mostly employees of the department of Veterans Affairs. It is a convening of that specific group of professionals. Brian were going to show a 30second clip. But letsredundant, watch. Willave a technique we show. Sherman close your eyes for a moment close your eyes, i see you. [laughter] Sherman Trust me, empathy. I want you to stretch your imagination. [crashing] sherman open your eyes. That is how fast it happens. In a blink, no warning. Brian the reaction of the audience was dramatic. Did you expect that . Sherman i dont know what i expected. I think i just wanted Something Different, something to register that these people you are caring for were not born this way, they did not just happen to fall into your care. Something bad happened, and maybe the sound effect, maybe that would help that. I wanted Something Different to register, to set the tone of what we would talk about. Brian you talk about empathy and compassion. Discuss that a bit. Sherman i think theres any doubt that most providers are compassionate and how they do their work. The point i made was compassion is about healing. You are healing these people, you are trying to release pain. Empathy is different. It is difficult to empathize with people you dont immediately identify with. When you are a doctor or nurse, i found in my experience, they dont immediately empathize or understand what it feels like. You are relieving pain, but do you understand, some of the things you say makes a difference. I talked about how my doctor told me for the first time i would never walk again, very callous. It lacked humanness. I said to myself, would that dr. Want to hear that news that callously . Maybe that is the profession, to stay detached, that it was not helpful, it did not help me see him as a healer. It made me mad. Its the same way you find out you have a cancer diagnosis, it is just, you have cancer. You are a healer on more than one level. When you are telling somebody news that bad, how about you have some, you know, you are talking to a human being, not an object. That plays out when you are in care for a long time and in rehab, you see too many instances of that. Nowbecause i work with them advocate, i point out to you are dealing with a world war ii veteran, you are mad, you are a nurse, and the sky has probably sacrificed more than you ever will for this country. Have some empathy, what if this would your grandfather or dad . That was the tone i wanted to set. I did not want to give them a tongue lashing. I wanted them to know i appreciate the path they chose, but the lack of empathy is why the v. A. Found itself in the position where it is now being challenged in terms of its purpose and whether we need to have this system of care as we know it today. Brian here is you describing being paralyzed. [video clip] sherman at this point, stop moving. This side of the room, you are quadriplegics, stop moving. Please. This side of the room, you are paraplegic, you are the lucky ones, you cannot move, bear with me. You cannot move, youre paralyzed. You have to accept it. Over here, you can wave your arms and scratch but dont stretch your legs because you cannot. Brian when you woke up in hospital, how much could you move . Sherman nothing. When i woke up, i could move my head, i was in a philadelphia collar, but i could not feel my body. It is a very surreal state of being. The only thing i could compare it to that would make sense to someone who does not know what it feels like, if you stood at the edge of a cliff with your toes hanging off and you leaned your head over. One push, and you go over. That is what it feels like the connection to your body. It feels like i am going to fall any moment and somebody is holding me up, but i feel like any moment, a gust of wind will push me over. That does not even adequately describe it, that there is no real feeling i can analogize for the ablebodied world. It feels like that, you will fall over at any moment. Brian how much pain did you feel . Sherman not at first. You cant feel anything. There is no pain there. Brian are you saying in the car or in the hospital . Sherman i would say the first 10 days, i could not feel anything. I was on so much morphine at the time. The pain is just the uncertainty, anxiety, fear. And the real pain does not kick in until you start to heal and the condition resolves itself and the nerve pain begins to creep then and you start to realize, i can still feel my body but now it hurts. I dont know if you have ever had frostbite it is pretty bad condition, imagine your whole body feels like that, pins and needles and it does not stop. If you have joint problems with shoulder rotation and all of those things, all the exercises and pushing the chair and those kind of things. Brian what did happen to you physically . Sherman the spinal cord injury itself was incomplete. That is hard to explain for people who dont understand what that means, but you have a complete injury where the spinal cord is completely severed, and you have incomplete where it has been damaged but not severed. That causes a paralysis, because of the celll death. Oxygen sodont get they die. Permanent, but only partially. You had Christopher Re