Field of dry grass that is the high. And i am trying to make a fire. I obeying the flints together but to french to silence is a real experience that has happened to me. So were trying to make sparks when i get right one will fly to light that field on fire. Everything is on fire in my imagination but nothing can start without those two flints. Theyre not in the book just the field on fire but that is how to get the field going. Does that make sense . Thank you so much. [applause] he has the train to catch. He will come to the front if you would like to get your book signed we will make time to do that. Have a great evening. [applause] [inaudible conversations] and now will come here to date to assess us the new booktv safe and, lowes mom a military maugham story of courage and comfort answered by the life on the home front. Well come to washington. Thanks so much into be here to talk with me about it. Host tell me about your book green on blue never intended to write a book but in 2001 maya all this headed off to the Naval Academy there was the list called they could communicate and to engage and connect. So i began posting and on 9 11 everything had changed he went to a Peacetime Navy and within a few short hours everything changed. So i began to write more about courage or remember your roots and alternately i became a moderator so that started 14 years to advisor and encouraging in support parents. But through this time had to march children here decided to apply and attends the Naval Academys so as the years went by, not only did i have children at the Naval Academy but now on active duty. Everyone said you need to write this down. And as our life continue to twist and turn, mia husbands airlines declared bankruptcy and he lost his pension he worked for an airline in afghanistan i followed him and talked for one year over there i had a unique perspective to be a mom who had children to deployed in afghanistan and and all i was in kabul at the same time our youngest son, of the rabil decided to join the military not through the Naval Academy but through the rotc now i had four children all serving and i was in a war zone and when i came back, i was told to write it down i thought just for my family so i did in their parents said no. You need to do more than that so they contacted a publisher. Host so with rigo to the Naval Academy one goes to the diversity of ruth dakota with rotc but all serving in different branches. How does that come about . Image you can select the marine corps there is limited number of opportunities to cross all my daughter with crossed to the air force because she wanted to try a to fly and she had a medical condition precluded her in the navy but the air force had different standards she was also very interested in space so she could make that cross commissioned some it was a fluke we ended up with children in every branch. That was not intentional but it fits with each of their passion is a of what they want to do with active duty military service. Host whod you feel is your audience . My first audience is military moms. I say i speak for the moms and dads the dad say but about us . I know that you care as deeply but my first audience is the of mom. They know that they are not alone and they can be encouraged and inspired and we can share information. On my website that is what i am trying to do to build the community where they can find information because we dont get Family Readiness briefings will live on the base we dont get the support from the traditional military. That is the first audience the second is the Greater Community to say i want you to understand what this is like to realize it is not the same as sending your children off to college. There is a lot of differences so understand people around you are carrying a heavier burden than what appears we do it gladly because we love our country but it is a heavy burden. So i have to audiences i hope. Host and you grew up in a military family your father was in the army i believe . And went to vietnam. You wrote about your experience has say military child. Talk about that. Guest i am the oldest of seven and we moved 17 times with 12 different schools and my father was living in the core and met my mother when she was in the army as well. I joke First Military duty was to give her a military discharge in those days you cannot have a child and be in the military so my father was an advisor at eight years old i did not have a concept of what that meant except halfway through the military took over the government and we started to send troops so things change very rapidly. It was very difficult. You hear about should troops be sent and i say yes they do need to be thanked because i grew up where i had to defend my father. Even in r. O. T. C. Of the late 70s at Arizona State university of his harassed and spat at what i would wear my uniform. I dont ever want to go back to those days when feeling like you need to apologize and defend your parents because somebody called them a baby killer and that happened to me. So now nizolek at the way this current generation of troops are valued it is very heartwarming as a mother. I think it is a great thing. To me its very frightening, so here you are going to raise your children in one place for their, most of their childhood. Talk about that transition. Guest i thought thats what i wanted. I thought i wanted to know what it felt like to be able to have stuff i looked in my basement and not have to pack one box of my special things every time we moved and there is a part of that that is very comforting and i know who my mechanic is. I know who mike doctor is that i get in trouble all the time because i dont wave when people drive by. When you live in a place where youd dont expect to know anybody you are not looking at anybodys car so when you live in smalltown america Everybody Knows everybody. The joke is dont come into my house in the dark because i do miss moving and i do miss being in a place as the one of the ways i would cope with that is i would move furniture. Im not talking about moving just the couch into the corner. I might turn the living room into the dining room and bedroom are browned. My husband would come in late at night and he wouldnt know which room to go to and thats always the running joke. But there are parts of it that are just wonderful and there are parts of it that i do feel like that and a lion that is assembled for a brat, im ready to fly on and be in a new environment traded. Host how did that experience growing up in a farm in ohio and blanchard children to go into the service if it did and tell me a little bit about what you thought when your first son talked about joining the navy wax. Guest one of the things we did, we lived in an area that is not predominantly military at all, very few people were in the military but we had my dad who, we were very fortunate because my husband flew for an airline so we would travel to visit them a lot. They heard the stories. We would calm to them employed employed memorial day concert every year. We did that probably for eight years and when the Service Songs with play they would stand up for pop and they would stand up for dad so we made sure that they knew their family legacy of service and this was something to be valued, so they were exposed to that and at the same time my husband wanted them to learn how to work hard and be uncomfortable because he felt that there was preparation for life. The fee. The peak of followthrough be responsible and work hard and endure discomfort there isnt a whole lot that can come out you that you can handle. They learn how to bale hay. They learn how to feed the animals before they were allowed to eat. All of these things so ultimately when eric spent the first summer at the Naval Academy one of the letters we got home is its a lot easier than being at home bailing hay. So we thought we had been prepared but we knew from the time he was a very little boy he wanted to be the top gun. My brotherinlaw was a Navy Recruiter and really get boxes of posters and airplane pictures and my husband was like, he was in the air force and i was in the air force but he does have that tree man that vision. So as he got older we visited the academy. We looked at different options because he knew he wanted to be a military pilot, so when he was accepted to the Naval Academy i was so excited and proud of him because he was realizing the beginning of his dream as there was a lot more to happen before he would get his wings. At the same time it wasnt until that very first day, induction day, even though i had grown up in the military and i understood it and i respected it as an institution that first day all of a sudden it hit me that this was going to be totally different than any other military Family Experience that i had had up to that point. Host and you up to that point had you been involved . I know there are listers and we have social media. Have you argued in contacting Naval Academy parents up until that point or were you aware of this great big parent group that is out there . Guest back in the day there was no facebook at that point in time. We had the listserv and when a child had an appointment you could participate. So was probably april and the kind of questions you ask were what do they need to bring and what issues do they need. When youre a parent or especially imam you feel like you are in control because you are making sure they have everything they need and thats part of the reality of once they hit that door there is nothing else that i can do that is going to prepare them anymore than i already have and now its up to them. That was from a very difficult because i wanted to be able to do everything that i needed to do for them to be successful but the Apron Strings were cut. But they were not just cut, they were hacked with a machete. It was up to him and he was going to sink or swim based on his passion and his ability to survive. It was an immediate peace out of the nest moment. How much of a handson parent were you prior . Would you describe yourself as a helicopter mom . No. I call myself an eagle mom. We did a lot of things to happen the independent and to help them soar. So we didnt run interference for them when they had difficulty. You signed up for this, you are not quitting the team. You need to work it out. You need to show the coach we can do but anything they were excited about are passionate about i was there for them. They were all involved in different sports. They did community theater. Katrina decided when she was 13 she wanted to climb mt. Everest and i found an expedition that she could earn money. She and my husband joined an expedition when she was 16 climb to Maude Everest for less of a cost to take their family to disneyland that she raised the money herself so i was that kind of supportive comments thats what you want to do lets go for it but i did not fight battles for them. I did not use my connection to help them improve their lot in life. My husband didnt coach so they could get a better spot on the team and thats the perception when i think of a helicopter parent trying to smooth the way instead of letting people fight their battles because thats how i knew and thats how i still know they are zero k. I know they can fight, whatever obstacle comes in their path i know they have the internal skills to handle it to now do i like sometimes feel like im standing on the sidelines biting my fingernails . Cheering them on of course but i need to have confidence that they are prepared for what is in front of them and so that was my and my husbands goal was creating an environment where independent and hard work was going to pay off. Sometimes it wasnt there. Sometimes thing happened where you really wanted to get more involved but i held myself back because that wasnt going to help them. So now what i tell fellow Naval Academy parents is, i say a helicopter parent you create helicopter parents when he dont give people enough information so part of my goal is to give them information about what to expect. What i know what to expect that i can relax and ease off and i dont need to be hovering. I say the same thing tonight grown children. If you dont want me hovering just give me some crumbs of information. I just need to know you are okay. If you tell me you are okay then i dont need to hover and now it oils down to, sometimes its once every two months especially when they are deployed. I dont expect to hear from them every day. I am grateful for second hand is but one i know that all i need to know is its okay. Then i back off. So its not so much a howto parenting book but it is sort of a how to navigate this new world and culture that is the military and you had a background in being in the military family. He probably encounter every day people who think its completely a foreign country. Talk a little bit about the unique culture that is the military family and how hard it is to convey to brandnew parents and peoples kids who just enlisted or went to the Naval Academy or a west point how do you help them navigate this new world . We have a Facebook Page where i also write. I do a series called sleep 101 for new Naval Academy parents but its pretty much basic truth for example in the military the rules are the rules. Rules are not made to be broken and i used to teach in a junior high and High School Environment as my students there are not used to that kind of environment where rule means its a rule. For example i grew up on the walking on sidewalks and never walking on the grass. Thats just Second Nature to me. That was part of military order and discipline so the first thing is to explain that concept of military order and discipline where do you think its a stupid rule are not or whether you want to express your individuality or whatever your reasons is a reason why we need uniformity and the reason why we need the chain of command and theres a reason why we need to follow that for good order and discipline and every military unit in the world has to have that racists. So explaining to parents doesnt matter if youre lead thinks the upper class a stupid they still need to do what they say because they are muttering modeling behavior that later on in a time of war were difficult times they need to be able to count the people doing what they are supposed to do when they are told to do it. Its just a basic truth. People who didnt grow up in the military many times didnt have the confidence in me petition that i had growing up in it he can say she get older and you look back you see a method all the madness. Why should people be trained to behave this way, because there are times when its critical that they need to follow procedure and i go back to my son now plays on a team. My husband buys a 767 and they have procedures that they have to follow in the event of emergency to the letter in order to keep everyone on board or keep themselves safe and its the same thing. So many things that they do in the military are with Nuclear Weapons or they have men and women in their command that they are responsible for it. Theres reason why you need to follow the rules and follow procedures. And so it begins with that. The second part especially when theyre in a a training environment is what are they going to be doing for three years, four years, 10 years from now . If they are training to be officers they are going to be responsible for other people potentially in life or death situations. Its important for them to be pushed to their limit, to know that they can perform even the most difficult circumstances. Thats why they screen. Thats where they do the things that seem ridiculous because they need to know that they can be unemotional in a time when most people would meltdown. So as we go through these different phases that we get to the heart is one of fall which is you have absolutely no control over anything from from now on. You can counsel and he can give advice but if they have a medical problem the military is going to take care of it. If they have a leadership problem they need to go through the chain of command to take care of the situation they are dealing with and that is probably the most difficult part of all of it, is you cant call the counselor. Host i see that as a great relief. Wow i job is over. You dont. These. Guest i do now, i do now. In the very beginning the first time i went there it was a shock now i am relieved i dont have that to worry about. I have enough other things that i have to worry about but for many new parents when their son or daughter hits a bump in the road and they get a phonecall or text message that this guy is doing this for whatever and is just like when they went on the bus the first time. What do you want to do . You want to get in there and fix it and you cant anymore. You cant because its not appropriate and thats what they need to take care of. So that is one of the hardest parts and i think it also coincides at a time for a lot of women when their nest is starting to empty and we start to redefine who we are. Our role as mother changes. I think parenting adults because you still parent. Your parents are still parenting you if you are alive is really hard create there is no what to expect when youre expecting is parenting an adult child. So that is where motherinlaw jokes come from. How do we navigate this new world especially when we have children that are fiercely independent worriers warriors but they will always be my child not maternity level but i logically. Lets talk about. Host lets talk about the experience of having your children go into combat zones, were sons, military that is at war. You know in the beginning there were discussions about obviously there are programs for families and there are programs for spouses. There are seminars and there are Family Readiness programs. There are whole unit programs to help spouses but parents are left out of that closeknit community. What was that like for you and what did you do to build your own community with other parents . There is something, the first time that one of them went to a dangerous place i felt like i was swimming underwater for a good part of that time. Partly because i had been there before. I have had my dad i experienced as a child so it was kind of like a deja vu ex