Another author that i like the most, so this is from phil clay who is the author of redeployment. For i knew it would be urgent, compelling an excellent from the first page, information is a much more expensive book than either suspected. A riveting and raging memoir from a a author of remarkable toughness and emotional rage. This is an unflinching and honest account of war, of homecoming, and of what happens when a woman reports and assault in the institution around her try to smother the truth. That did you a good idea of what were about to hear, and without any for the talking from me, may i introduce ryan dostie. [applause] hello. Thank you for everyone coming tonight. Thank you for having me. Im just going to set up my timer so that i dont talk for too long. Im going to explain quickly the format, not the four but the stretch of the book so you know why i might be popping in to whatever i start the book out much to some reviewers dismay as, at the very start of the rape. It follows in the first section can follow set and have military handled it, or didnt handle it, as you might say. Then he goes back at talks about my past and then they goes into an iraq section about being deployed in iraq with the initial invasion while just as initial invasion in 2003. The final section is about homecoming and ptsd and readjusting to civilian life and all the funds that come with that. Im just going to dive right in. I thought i would start with the first chapter because clearly i thought it was this chapter, thats why put in the beginning. Most of the stuff im going to read excerpts, but this chapter is not very long so i can probably get through the whole thing without boring you too much. A few hours before i am great, two officers and of our try to quality and steal my panties. Were hovering by standing table when they approach. Standing so close i have to turn my head back to see the face of it despite my heels, they are taller than me. Want a drink, the one closest says. His dark air is so neatly shorn of the skin looks blue. It gets him away. I point to his head enlisted or officer . He grins all teeth, and leans forward splashing with a set of whiskey sour mix. Hes uneasy honesty complaining to one side, and nate hen resting on a table for roast. Officer. Military . Looking around the bar for Something Better to do it she doesnt suffer boredom well and she likes a prettier than this. Enlisted, i say. Youre too pretty to be in the army, says the officer near to me, and i cant help but smile. I never quite understand the phrase, whether its meant to be a compliment or insult, but i bi like being called pretty, even if the price is varied in subtext i dont have lockes tall toned body or her steely confidence. I still blushed and print under male approval. He likes the reaction and moons closer. He presses his shoulder against mine, lets get a drink. The two men are older than us by at least a decade, and the age gap feels significant somehow. I shift my way to the other foot and tried to buy myself some space. I dont know. I feel thats fraternization. I laugh to lighten the rejection. I wont tell if you dont. He winks one watery eye. For his magic. As i could keep they, i suddenly dont know how to untangle myself from the situation. Try to export but shrugs. She wont turn down a free drink but i but i prefer to buy my own. Too many unspoken obligations tied a girl to a pot drink. I know, how about a bet . If i can take a shot better than you can come you pay for our drinks. Locke grinch that she knows this party trick and im damn good at it. The officer so in other words, you think you can handle your liquor better than me . For one shot i can. And if i win . He asked turkeys greeny. He thinks hes already won. You leave us alone, locke shoots and i both uncomfortable and relayed by her breast missed. I long for that kind of grid. The officer shakes his head. Thats not a reward. How about i get your panties . My what . Your underwear. If i win can you have to give me your underwear. Locke looks aghast and i were similar expression. Why would you want my underwear . Locke is ahead on the show and shakes her head. Her whiskey shots are kicking. Dont ask questions you dont want the entity. Fine, deal, whatever. Get us some shots. Please dont gamble with my underwear, i want to say, but ii know they cant be serious. Im not serious. Wasnt a real bed, just something said in jest. The officer jets his friend with his elbow. Go get some whiskey. Dont be a bitch, i counted them gathered by confidence because, though it only started drinking a few months ago when i turned 21, good christian girl turned a little bad by legality, this i know how to do. Everclear, i made my 190 corporate. A choice. If you want a shot to maxim back on their heels, everclear is only way to do. The officer grimaces, which is the exact reaction i was hoping for, but he doesnt back down. When the everclear arrives, it glistens and a tall plastic cup. Its a double shot. You first. Lockes hand hovers her own whiskey already purchased one of the officers. The officer stares tenderly at his drink him at the cup dwarfed in his palm. I hope he faxed and 50 dozen. He throws the drink back, swallows in one go, careful to keep his face composed. He blinks rapidly but it doesnt cough or grimace. He carefully places the cup on the table before clearing his throat. Your turn. The other officer slaps him on the back and congratulates his fortitude. I scout in annoyance. I usually when this came before even take the shot. I hope the class outcome careful not to get a whiff of its potent stinchcomb then breathe in and hold it. I down the drink and the different all the way down my throat and found its way into my stomach, and breathe out slowly, careful to keep my nose close outside dont taste the alcohol. It is a really good way to drink in shot by the way. [laughing] i grin as a last of my breath escapes between the teeth. Easy peasy. The two officers narrowed now , staring, waiting for me to shiver, coffee and cake. I get the classic toys lay before it to the table. We win, locke says, in down to shut throws the cup onto the table and grabbed my arm. Goodbye. She tucked neatly from the table. I dont think so. The smaller offices and shoots out and captures my wrist. We win turkey did better. Did not, i protest. The corn ethanol is working its way through my system. My feet are suddenly large and cumbersome. I grip lockes elbow title. Yes, i was way better, the officer says making a comehither gesture with his hand. Give up the panties. Nope. Locke pulled hard enough that my wrist sleight out of his grasp. Hey, that is a bet, he just addressed as we make our retreat through the crowd. Freaks, locke says, pushing up against the bar. The air is suddenly hot. I tug at my dress color. Is it hot . Here, she pushes a shot of vodka into my hand. No, i muttered to myself, i my arch nemesis. Everclear i can do but vodka and i are not very good friends. Im not supposed to be drinking. I suddenly remember, thinking of the doctor a few weeks back who had to be a ninemonth supply of deposit tuberculosis ppd test stressing you cant think at all what they give us, and the pressing another bottle of vitamin b12 b12 in the atlanta counter the acute liver failure side effects of the first drug. But possible Liver Disease seems like a minor complication to a 21yearold and a short, taking the shot. Its only a few drinks this one time. Whats the worst that can happen . There is dancing, more shots. I know i can handle a dozen without a problem, but i stopped counting summer around drink number ten. Lockes body weve intricate symbols on the dance floor, her cheeks vermilion red. I sway to the music, fascinated by the drops of like that waiver in splash across my skin. Maybe its the medication but the alcohol hits me harder and faster than usual. And i try to keep to my normal drinking paste but but i outruy sobriety. I screwed to the outside of the dance floor and linking to order. I rest my head back and legs braced apart using the heart angles of the corner walls to hold me up. Hey you, says a familiar voice, and i crack open one eye. The dim light burns. High . My voice crackles to get officer leans against the wall beside me i won a bet from earlier, you know, he says. Now, i dont have the will to argue and the close my eyes. Site makes me wobbly. I believe these are mine, he says and suddenly theres a warm hand on the inside of my thigh. I gasped and slammed my knees together came his hand in place. What are you doing . At the protest comes out breathy and weak. He grants, his face so close to mine. Hes tall and enough standing upright, making his upper body over me. Its all in good fun he tries to assure me, wiggling his hand upward. I laugh because im nervous and drunk. Stop. I catch his wrist and tried to push it down. Come on, you lost the bet. The other officers there with his left it in my spine is pressed into the corner, locking in place. His fingers light up my skirt come up against the outset of my hip and loop around the material of my underwear. He tags and the fabric slide standard seriously, stop. I laughed, swallowing hard, knees shaking him and the use of an to grit my underwear trying to hold them up. But its for mccance against two and theyre winning. I feel tiny, tiny as if ive shrunk and they are giants. Black shadows been over me, blocking out the rest of the club. Hey, locke breaks through between them, a vengeful spirit all while dark your entrance and cheeks. Link off. Pulling me out from beneath them. I stumble after quickly trying to straighten and work with one hand. Jesus christ can learn to find somebody in the face. I stare at the strong minds of her shoulders. The most of the contort and bow beneath her black tank top, expose white skin that defies decembers night cold and feel ashamed. Im actually going to stop at that part. That was just at the bar and i will go over what happens at the end of the chapter is a go back to my barracks room and come with a friend, another caseys become they both hoping to my room, and we said, we talk, welcome they talk, we drink a little bit more and then they leave and they go to sleep. The Second Chapter immediately goes into the rape itself. What im going to be that is actually, i report it immediately afterwards the mps came, did all that, and it took a while for me to get an interview with actual investigation. This section that in reading is just a little highlight of how the military decided it wanted to handle a woman reporting a Sexual Assault. So this is me and the investigator and our conversation. The investigator finally rescheduled our interview. He sits me down in an interrogation chair. Feels like an interrogation chair. His dark wooden desk is huge he sits calmly behind it papers meticulously stacked and from it. A tape recorder worlds between us loud and in the side of the metal and hard wooden chair arms wrapped around my knees. I i look like a child. I know i know i look like a child this clenched around a uniform pants and i feel like one, tiny and fragile staring g up at him as he stacks the papers, stacks of papers and begin. The first two questions are easy enough. What had i been . Had i known the analysts . That was the guys job. How much did i drink . Then things take a turn for the darker and without looking up, with no real warning investigator asks, do you feel he raped you . I cringe at the word. It hangs in my mouth, heavy and taking up space. I can say all your four letter words, [blank] , just dont make me say the r word. I hate saying it out loud to people in power the judge me for the word used and present me for making them face its implications. I swallow the word instead and say, yes. He finally looks up and is he the first breath of fight in him. So you said no. Its not a question but an assertion, a natural instinct to his sentence. My brow furrows slightly. I said i didnt know who he was, and i didnt understand what was happening. I told him to stop but i sometimes something to drink i get confused and maybe i said in japanese. I watch his face darkened and a rush to add because, i can japanese you can say whole sentences into words. You know what i mean . Its hard to explain but i just switch over sometimes. If i i had too much to drink. Sometimes. My japanese had triggered his spanish, the starling of in my ear is loud and persistent. I showed it to look down at my hands, feeling like ive been punched in the stomach. But you didnt say no, he pushes. I dont know if i said no exactly, but it did say stop. I said they did know what was going on. I pause, mouth dry, trying to get what i my heart is racing suddenly and add, i pushed at him, like pushed him away, or i try to. So you think he raped you. Yes. Are you sure . Yes. But you didnt say no. It was very clear that i didnt want again my stomach clench is tight and running out of words. I didnt want what happened. The investigator leans back, case closed, mouth slightly pursed. You understand in order for 60 berate, you have to have said no. Not true by the way. I was a young kid and i didnt know that. Im angry now. My knuckles of white against my knees, boots planted on the floor. So youre saying if someone has sex with a sleeping person or someone whos unconscious, thats not right because they did say no . He glares at me now as a difficult child who refuse to understand reason. There are different rules for that sort of thing, he says. You were not asleep or unconscious. I mightve been. I dont know how he got into him and he wasnt able to i wasnt frustration closes off my throat and they turned my face the way ashamed. How did he get in your room . I said i dont know. I want to scream it but it comes out a harsh whisper. The july demand . No. I mean i dont think so. But its possible that you did. I dont know. I dont think so. I glanced up wanting him to agree with me, to say that its too, i probably didnt open the door, that i had too much to drink, how would i made that walk from my bed to the door, how had awoken from a drunken slumber from someone knocking, how could i said sure, come in, knowing these things dont seem possible or likely at all, and yet his jaw is set picky shows me nothing. But even if i did, i say, i close my eyes at those words, not wanting to ever imagined them to be true, the thought makes me sick. Even if i did that doesnt mean i wanted to have sex with him. I hate the world of the tape recorder as it fills the silence and he takes his time, scratching his pen on paper. Did he raped you he asked again. I hate that word. That dirty soiled shameful word. Dont make the same. Yes. But you dont remember saying no . I dropped my head into my hands. Were chasing rtos going round and round pick is getting a muddled in my head. How could it not be raped . I know how i feel. I know i didnt want that. That thing that happened. How could that not be rape . Im not making this up, i say. Does become so desperate to be heard. Dd rape you . Yes, again. And again. Round and round we go. Im lost. So thoroughly turned around ive given up trying to orientate myself. I cant find north. I break. I dont know what it was but bi know what he did was wrong. He writes clear and hard onto the paper, and funny how that sentences only thing that makes it into the official report. So a lot goes on between ten and the next section including having to continue work with the guy in vain information and all that. Not so fun stuff. What happens next is how i i fd out what is happening with the case, and what happened in the report itself. I think this is sort of the last heavy part. We will get on the after that. I dont know what unsubstantiated means. I never heard the word before it is in part of my vocabulary. So when captain wells says for the entire company, heads swiveling in my direction, i dont know what he means of why its so significant. The investigation has been going on for months, long weeks where i hear nothing from the case, almost like everyone has forgotten all about it. Now receiving in an equal opportunity briefing. The company sprawled out across the small theater seated heavily worn blue thread seats. Andres reclined to sit back and forth and staring up at the ceiling and i glanced at the start profile. This is so pointless come he crowns cannot quietly enough. I know its pointless but for entirely different reasons. His squad leader hisses at him and he grumbles as he shifts in his seat, sitting up. Captain wells is in front of the company, standing on a wooden stage, halfheartedly preaching about the necessity to speak out if one feels threatened or sexual offender. Captain wilson scans the credit and his eyes lingered on a slightly as he nears the end of his speech. He hesitates, showing me the tiniest lift of his lip and a sneer, then turned away. Everyone knows about a Sexual Assault case going on in the company right now. I go cold, my heart sputtering in shock. Captain wells stares back at the upturned face of his company and says, and that case has been found unsubstantiated so guys, if the girl accuses you of something you didnt do, dont worry. You wont get into trouble unless you actually did something wrong. Is he talking about what i think hes talking about . I said rooted in place and credulous thinking cant be talking about my case, hes not talking about me. I can feel the eyes of the company turn towards me, drinking in my reaction and i wonder how many minds are made up in this moment. What does unsubstantiated mean . I ask no one. The briefing is over at a jump up from isis pushing through the bodies forcing my way to Sergeant Pelton. Everything has slowed, a buzzing in my year, ears dulls the noise of the graphic was he talking about me . I i forgot to address this elbow and forcing them to face me. Its aggressive inappropriate and i do anyway. As if having a pain in my hand will force him to take me seriously. Sergeant pelton phrases come his normally bright eyes jumping to the side looking for an exit plan. He couldnt have been talking about me, right . I process. Sergeant pelton size. He doesnt want to be here. Captain wells just told me today. The case was found unsubstantiated. I dont know what that means. I rest my palm against the ball to hold myself up. Sergeant pelton size water shut as if he is asking for strength. He doesnt want to be the one to do this. He shouldnt have to. Captain wells should have picked his absence as usual is telling. It means they cant will one way or the other. Its your word against his. The words folic physical blows. Im Still Holding his elbow, my grip tightening. And this is how he tells me . This is how i found out . Sergeant pelton says nothing. But what about the photos . I shaken trying to knock loose all the answers i need to hear. I remember the mps call me back into a small site Office Asking me to strip, standing half naked in a stark cold room while a few officer held the camera up to my skin capturing the bruises outlined my arms and rib cage, her nose inches from my flesh, the bare lightbulb swing on a court overhead as she examined me. Dont those prove anything . Im sorry, is all he says, and i dropped his elbow. How sorry can he be . Its not like he released me anyway. They give me up like manila folder with the report in a . Summit company places it in my hands i walk out of the building with it tucked