Again following a parasite outbreak south west water has today reduced the boil water noficein today reduced the boil water notice in the brixham area following all clear test results, the number of confirmed cases of cryptosporidium in the brixham area are 46, but the Water Company has confirmed its now safe for around 14,500 households in the allston area to use their tap water as normal, but theyre still advising around 2500 properties in hillhead upper parts of brixham and kingswear to continue to boil their Drinking Water before consuming it. Water before consuming it. Meanwhile, olympian Dame Kelly Holmes has joined protesters today demonstrating about poor water quality. 37 protests took place today , including in place today, including in brighton, falmouth and edinburgh Water Companies say theyre spending more than £14 billion this year to protect waterways in england and wales , but in england and wales, but campaigners are demanding tougher action and tyson fury and Oleksandr Usyk are set to go head to head any minute now to become the undisputed world heavyweight boxing champion. Usyk has had to have his weight corrected after it emerged that the wrong weight was read out at last nights weigh in. The ukrainian World Champion will enter the ring. Tonights fight in riyadh at 15 stone, £13, considerably lighter than furys 18 stone £10. Around 3000 british fight fans have travelled to saudi arabia for tonights clash. And for the tonights clash. And for the latest stories, sign up to gb news alerts by scanning the qr code on your screen or go to gb news. Com alan bates. Now its time for headliners. Time for headliners. Hello and welcome to headliners the show where stand up comedians review the next days news for you. Im your host, stephen allen. And tonight we have a protein special. The man they say is a big gammon. Paul cox. Hello. Gammon. Paul cox. Hello. And the man they say is a little nuts. Louis schaefer. Little nuts. Louis schaefer. Oh, dont worry. Oh, dont worry. Apparently you got that nickname. Not because of anything to do with your attitude or mental state. Do you want to know something . Im not even going to respond to what youre saying right now. I i eat meat and i want you all to eat meat. Thats what you should have said. You said, and he eats meat. And thats what everyone would have been expecting me to say. Thats why what i did is i set up an expectation at the end of it didnt pay. I think its one of freuds categories of humour. Yeah, it is, but these people dont understand these people dont understand these people. People. The right. The right. We love you. Whoever you are, we love you. Were in a room. Put it away. Put your hands up. Up. Theres just the three of us here. Thats the problem with this show. Theres nobody out there. Theres nobody in our audience. Yeah, this. This will come a point where they just lock us in a room and let us do this, and were just happy we just do it anyway. Yeah, were doing it. Yeah, were doing it. Thats what were doing anyway. Because as soon as anyway. Because as soon as anyway. Go on. Yeah. Lets take a look at the front pages. Well go to the mail on sunday that says cuts leave uk with just one plan for one plane. This is a carriage return after before the e one plane for paris d day jump makes more sense now, sunday times tainted blood is worst scandal of my lifetime. Its time for justice. Vows hunt. The Observer Says archbishop of canterbury urges starmer to ditch cruel two child benefit cap sunday telegraph says labour will tell nhs staff to work weekends. The nhs staff to work weekends. The sunday express companies told end this woke madness. And finally the daily star. Three lions versus frogs and those will be front pages. Lets make some more sense of this, starting with the sunday telegraph. Paul thanks for coming to me. To make more sense, steve, sunday telegraph, your labour will tell nhs staff to work weekends , nhs staff to be told weekends, nhs staff to be told to work evenings and weekends under labour plans to shorten waiting lists, wes streeting has announced. Now im guessing any nhs staff watching this will be screaming at the screen saying we already work evenings and weekends now. I know things seem to slow down over the weekends , to slow down over the weekends, but it surprises me that this would be the angle he would take. Hes also said that he says the nhs is overreliant on migrant workers. When did the labour party become so tory . Theyre like, were going to make them work more and were going to get rid of the foreigners. Youre loving it, arent you . I mean, to be honest, im on board. Ive already put my vote in for sir keir starmer, but, it feels to me like the nhs were riding high dunng me like the nhs were riding high during covid. You were banging pans and singing at 8 00 on a thursday, and all of a sudden, much like teachers were at the time, you know, teachers were were, were given all these praise because we suddenly realised how difficult it was to look after children every day of their blooming week. The nhs are coming into are getting sort of a bit of a kicking here and its interesting because im not sure the solution to the nhs problems is anything to do with staff working more, or even more money. It just needs to be less ill people and it comes back and i say this every single time it comes back to, oh, to Louis Schaefer. Okay, i was going to say that lets just say overpopulation. But yeah, but even if there were fewer ill people, the ill people who would rock up on a weekend would have worse outcomes than people who work rock up on a weekday. Thats not right. If youre a if you work in Health Provision , youve got in Health Provision, youve got to do it seven days a week. Of course you have, because people dont just get ill on a on a monday morning. Yeah, but this is, you cant believe what this is. This is this is the Labour Government saying something that is not Labour Government. So why are they saying this . You have to think that they are saying this because theyre not going to implement this, and theyre just trying to mitigate whats going to happen in the future. Whats to happen in the future. Whats going to happen when the nhs was invented , it was a seven day invented, it was a seven day a week thing invented by labour. I mean, were going back. Yeah. Yeah, i dont think so. Yeah, i dont think so. I dont think it was like it wasnt like super busy on a saturday or sunday. They didnt have the thing. No. But you cant have a system where you think, well, you know, if you have a heart attack on saturday, bad luck. I mean, it is true that if you if you fall ill on a friday and, you know, you wake up in hospital on a saturday, you will wait till monday to see the top doctor or your test results wont wont be through on saturday or sunday. And i guess that , you know, perhaps, saturday or sunday. And i guess that, you know, perhaps, perhaps more working hours. I mean, it just seems ridiculous. It feels just seems ridiculous. It feels like the all nhs were, particularly in hospitals. Thats what im talking about now. Not all nhs workers. I havent seen a gp since 2019. I dont know where they are, a bit like theyre a bit like the wizard of oz, arent they . Just Little People behind a curtain going, im not doing it anymore. But paul, you havent answered the question. I didnt know there was one. I didnt know there was one. There is the question. Theres the two questions. Not youre debating this whole thing about forcing people, forcing doctors and nhs people to work on the weekends. Why is it in the telegraph and why is labour saying it . How about those two questions . Those are two questions. Wasnt the telegraph. Wasnt the telegraph. The telegraph cant make their mind up which side of the right and left they sit on, i dont think, but the reason labour are doing this is because they know all the overwhelming surge towards power is on the way. Theyve got to start. They cant say nice things anymore. They cant have policies that are all clouds and fluffy nice stuff and peaches and cream. Theyve got to say things like, is this true . Are they going to make nhs staff work weekends . No, because there is no. The answer, of course, is theyre going to strike, but theyll strike seven days a week and that will be the there you go to the observer. Lewis. What have they got . This is the observer, the church, the archbishop of canterbury. Arches starmer to ditch cruel two child benefit cap. I dont two child benefit cap. I dont even know why this is cruel. Because if you if you have three children, you dont get any more money. But its because its the benefit. Cap isnt for the children , its for the parents. Children, its for the parents. Its mad money. Its money that they give the mother just in case the father doesnt come home and give. This is how it used to be. It used to be the father would come home and give the children, give the mother money. And then just in case that that didnt happen, they the state would do it. And the state has taken over basically. Who will this benefit . Who will benefit from a three child or four child benefit . Where do you stop . Where do you stop . Okay, so it sounds its really difficult this because youre just going to sound cruel. If you say no, you cant. But there is you know, there is a fiscal economical issue at play a fiscal economical issue at play here. And i guess, you know, from the conservative angle of this , it is much more angle of this, it is much more about what if you cant have if you cant afford the children dont have them. This is really about the kids that are already in the system. And, you know, parents that have , three, four, parents that have, three, four, five children and are capped at at two. The big part of this story for me, though, again, is justin welby. Story for me, though, again, is justin welby. I story for me, though, again, is justin welby. I dont know if justin welby. I dont know if hes ever given a sermon in church. He gives all of his sermons to the guardian and observer and he says, this is very easy politics. Look after children. Yeah. Here again, nice one. Justin but you know, but if its you say theres a fiscal issue here that you cant just keep spending money. Why are we spending money. Why are we spending money. Why are we spending money on not means testing this the idea that you get child benefit if youre very. Margaret thatcher i like it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean mean you mean testing with the parents or the children . The. Well, im presuming the kids arent earning much. Its like theres laws against. There is there is some means testing for child benefit because isnt it over 100 grand . No right. So okay. So one person over 50 or 2 people over 100. So two people could earn 49,999. It could fall under the cap and you could fall under the cap and you could still get child benefit. Or you could have one person in that family earning £50,000, and they wouldnt be entitled to the benefit. Now. Yeah, the median wage is Something Like 36 or something. So its a lot , Something Like 36 or something. So its a lot, isnt Something Like 36 or something. So its a lot , isnt it . So its a lot, isnt it . Even if youre earning you could cap it at 30. Yeah. You could cap it at 30. Yeah. You could cap it at 30. And then and then some of that money could be diverted elsewhere. I dont think people earning £50,000 a year need the £80 a week. However, it is tough out there. Yeah, well fair enough. Bad news for me, well, whats the mail on sunday going with paul, cuts leave uk with just one plane for paras. Dj d day jump. Nearly got it. None of us have got this headline right. Basically, plans for a mass parachute drop over normandy to commemorate the 80th anniversary of d day have been scaled back because cutbacks have left the mod without enough planes. So the original plan was to send 450 men. And it does say men in here. In four separate planes, turns out because of cutbacks, there is only one plane available. So im guessing there will be about 100 chaps jumping out. Yeah, my argument. Out. Yeah, my argument. We have those planes that are waiting to go to rwanda. What are they doing . Thats a steve lovely political bit of a satire. Good point. Where are they . I mean, theyre taking at the moment. Theyve taken one person to rwanda and they paid him £3,000 to go. Yeah. Now i would happily go to rwanda. It looks like a lovely place to go on holiday. And if you want to give me three grand, i can pretend to arrive on a dinghy if you want. But this story, this, this story to me, its in the mail. Its in the mail on sunday and it passions their sort of reader base because its d day commemoration of the 80th. Not enough planes to celebrate. However, its not the 80th, its not the 80th. It is 80 years. How old are you . Youre 82. You were two years old. The 80th . The 80th . No, that might be true, but i look amazing. But. But the d day was this d day when they dropped the planes. 74. Oh, yeah, it is. It is. It is. I mean, i was waiting for it. It was the 70th. This was the 80th, 44, 80th. This was the 80th, 44, 80th. Okay. Okay. Mass is different in usa. But at the end of the day, i think the point im trying to make is that if they didnt tell us this, we wouldnt know. Yeah. All right. All right. How do we know well take a quick hit on this one, finally, to the daily star sunday. Lewis. Oh, this is big news. Three hons oh, this is big news. Three lions versus the frogs. But its not really the frogs because the frogs are the french. Its about germany. So i dont know what the what what animal . The germans, what the frogs do anyway. But but it says. It says that the that where that in germany, in this place where the where the british, the uk team is going to be, theyve got frogs and they make a lot of noise. So, so , harry kane, who noise. So, so, harry kane, who is on the team, is not going to get his sleep and so it looks like you know about football, pauli like you know about football, paul i do. Hes pretty much covered it though. I mean, there is a posh though. I mean, there is a posh hotel in germany where the england team will stay. Theres a bit of a problem with frogs in the summer and they might keep them awake, boffins. Seagulls. The star i used to live in a flat that was right up against this pond. This park with the pond in it. And the frogs were really noisy. In the summer, when you have to have the windows open. Great night sleep. Got lulled to sleep by the weird sounds of the idea. It says in there that you cant sleep well, trust me. The frog chorus for a start, rupert the bear. I frog chorus for a start, rupert the bear. I mean, id forgotten about Paul Mccartneys low of his career, and youve got some heat afterwards there. Frogs jumping around. Frogs jumping around. Frogs jumping around. Well, thats the front pages out of the way. In the next section, we talk about allahu akban section, we talk about allahu akbar, intifada and net zero. So youve got a few minutes to get your beta welcome back to headliners. Im stephen allen, here with paul cox and lewis schaefer. We go. Oh, and we are, i should say this as well. Were hosting a night with their headliners live , and you can join us for an evening of comedy with i should do it in the voice. Andrew doyle leo kearse simon evans and josh. Theyve just left it at josh al fayed. For more information, you can scan the qr code thats on the screen or visit gb news. Com all right, paul, on the screen or visit gb news. Com all right, paul , to the com all right, paul, to the sunday telegraph. Voters think that politicians shouldnt shout allahu akbar. Only time i shout it is to spice up a game of bingo. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Brilliant. Brilliant. Not as good as the first version of the joke, but we all agreed we could do the first version of the joke. We need to do headliners after hours , most voters think after hours, most voters think shouting allahu akbar is inappropriate for politicians, so 6 in 10 or 60 for the layman think its inappropriate for politicians to shout allahu akbar or alan snack bar as we like to call it, here to praise god. After winning an election , god. After winning an election, polling has found. So i mean, i agree, but id love to see Jacob Rees Mogg do it just once. It would be amazing. Rees mogg do it just once. It would be amazing. Id rees mogg do it just once. It would be amazing. Id love it if would be amazing. Id love it if rees mogg could shout, but what happens if he said if Jacob Rees Mogg said god is great or something . Something . Wow, this is amazing. Wow, this is amazing. Its a good point and thats all it means. Its a good point and thats all it means. Its all it does mean. But this is following obviously Green Party Councillor moeen ali as victoria speech after his campaign on behalf of the people of gaza and leeds. Yeah, which is exactly what this story is about. Yeah, which is exactly what this story is about. You know, there story is about. You know, there were a lot of, muslim politicians and local councillors that campaigned on behalf of the people of gaza and palestine. And one seats on that, on that within the uk. This this issue is not going away. Its a powerful issue in our country. And weve got the green party now kind of co opted by, the gaza movement is what i would say. Well, yeah, thats going to happen. And itll be the death of the death of the green party. You feel i mean, i dont feel for them too much, but you feel for them too much, but you feel for them a little bit because theyre not going to be the party that they were. Theyre going to be the party of the, of the gaza movement. But the 29 thought it was to okay scream that. So what . What does that mean . We dont know the numbers. This is one of those typical polls. Youd have to find out the numbers before you before you get all excited about it. You get all excited about it. The allahuakbar, i dont think. I mean, obviously its got its connotations. Lie ins. Got its connotations. Lie ins. Yeah. Lets be lets be absolutely brutally honest about it. Often gets shouted just before something very terrible is about to happen. Well, i mean, lets not forget that jihad means struggle. So you could say this is clearly a god is great. Im having a bit of a struggle. Bosh yeah, the arena blows up, so im not cool with it. Im not cool with it. But, you know, thats not a lie. Thats absolute fact. And the problem i had with it is that is, is this debate around the issues of the day, the people of leeds. And i know theres a majority theres quite a significant minority in leeds that are a muslim faith. But im pretty sure like the bins not getting collected correctly or the nhs problems should be greater on their list of c