January 14, 2021 Barrie, ON – A local man unaware of the contents of his own refrigerator is demanding to know what is in the COVID-19 vaccine. Justin Travers, 34, is extremely concerned about the contents of the newly developed vaccine. “I’m just really careful about what I put into my body,” says Travers, who regularly eats dairy products despite his severe lactose intolerance. When asked what he is comfortable putting in his body, Travers referred to a stack of well-worn takeout menus, as he hasn’t prepared his own food since he made KD on an illicit hot plate in his dorm room in 2006. An inspection of his refrigerator revealed two sprouted onions, half a jar each of mayonnaise and Sriracha, and a bag of what probably used to be bread. When it was brought to his attention that the open mayonnaise was three years past its expiration date, Travers responded, “That’s just a guideline, bro.”