[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you very much. Hi, everybody. Its too much already. Thanks. Please, sit, relax, relax. Welcome to [ cheers and applause ] thats very nice. Thank you. All right, sit, sit. Its embarrassing. Hey, welcome to the Howard Gillman opera house at the Brooklyn Academy of music. Isnt it fantastic thank you for having us here in brooklyn, new york. Thank you for coming out to see us. This is our third time in brooklyn. Last time we were here, you people asked, would we ever come back. And i to open 2,000 new cold press you shops. And you did. Its especially nice to do our show here before they turn it into a whole foods store. [ laughter ] i was born here in brooklyn, i grew up in mill basin. [ cheers and applause ] i went to ps 236 on avenue u u u did my first major drug deal outside the alexandra. Its great to be back. Do you like our set, by the [ applause ] this is a special set built specially for you. Th there was a play going on here until saturday night. So our crew flew in from l. A. And met with our other crew from new york, started loading equipment into the theater at 2 00 a. M. Yesterday morning. They worked 22 hours straight to set everything up and get it going. They literally had no sleep till brooklyn. Thats right, give them a round of applause. If it wasnt for this crew and the miracle of methamphetamines, none of us would be here tonight. Wed be picking through wiffle balls at models. No trip anywhere would be complete without my tequila monster. Wheres guillermo . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy guillermo, is there anything you would like to say to the 2,000 people who gathered here tonight to see you in this ridiculous outfit . Thank you for coming fugeta about it jimmy i know. Welcome, guillermo. I want to get real with you for a moment here, if i could. When we decided to bring this show back to brooklyn, of course we wanted to make it special. So the first request my band leader cleto and i made was to a very special person, someone we grew up watching every night on tv. Someone who, i dare say, we idolized. A man who has more soul than ever crossed over the imaginary line that divides our two great nations, a supernaturally gifted performer who popped from that big red maple leaf to the big red apple were in the core of right now and never looked back, a Legendary Music man, the kick at David Lettermans side for 33 years, please welcome mr. Paul shaffer. Thank you, everybody im here all week. Im doing what we call in showbusiness, a mini residency. My mini residency, all week. Ill be with you, sir. Well, thank you for being our mini resident. Thanks for having me. Jimmy paul shaffer, everybody. Fantastic show for you tonight. And all this week. Amy schumer is here with us, music from the lcd soundsystem, and blessed to have dj chaled in the house tonight. Whats your favorite dj khaledkl song . Money on my mind and i cant get enough every i step up in the building everybodys hand go upa and they stay down, and they stay down, and they stay down dj khaled. Jimmy i know were not going to top that. And in honor of the show being in brooklyn, all of the jokes were written by hand in biodegradable parchment, using natural ink sustained f harvestedlingen berries. Its all artisanal tonight. One of the great things about taking your show on the road is meeting new people. There are no better people to meet than the people here in brooklyn, so we thought it might be fun to take a smaller version of our show on the actual road. I got a taxi cab and a driver and a little desk and none other than paul shaffer to drive around and find guests to interview for a mini talk show in a taxi here in brooklyn. [ honking ] how ya doing . Im doing okay. Whats your name . Mamdou. Hello, im paul. Nice to see you. Jimmy, how are you . Jimmy im doing well. Lets pick some people up and interview them. What do you say . Awesome. Thats wonderful. Jimmy paul, some pickingup music. Sure. Live from my cab, kimmel live all right. Jimmy you know what i hope we get, our customer, a man with no shirt on. We gonna try. Jimmy theres a guy him. Need a cab, sir . How about her . Oh, yes, yes. Jimmy hi there. Hello. Jimmy our first guest is wearing a pink skirt. Oh, how you doing . Jimmy doing well. Whats your name . Alisa hollis. Jimmy ladies and gentlemen, alisa hollis. Im like, yeah, okay. Jimmy where are you headed . Im right at high land park. Jimmy high land park. Everything good . Everything is good. Jimmy any new projects . Working on my daughter. Jimmy hows that going . Its a work in progress. You know when your children have children, they dont want you to have too much input. Jimmy are you being overbearing grandmother . Thats what she says. Jimmy well, that can hap can we call your daughter and get to the bottom of whats going on here . I would love to speak to her. I think thats really the only way youre going to work things out. People have to communicate. She might get offended. Jimmy she might get offended, but she might not. So let me talk to her and well see how it goes. Just dial her up. Whats your grandchilds name . Neron. Hello . Jimmy hi, sharon, its jimmy kimmel and paul shaffer, were here with your mom. For real . For real . Jimmy your mother told me shes been annoying you too much. Telling you what to do with your children. And that sometimes reresentful. Yeah. Jimmy so your mother said shes going to try to understand your point of view and respect that is, and in return, all she would like is that for you to understand that it all comes from a good place. She know i love her, but jimmy did you love her a little too much . Maybe. Jimmy is that neron in the background . No. Jimmy well, she loves him more than she loves you. Oh, this is it right here. Bye, sharon. Thanks so much for being here. Glad we could really iron things out and well see you real soon. Thank you. [ applause ] we have a customer over here. I recognize this guy. Hey you got to be kidding me. Did you need a ride . Ill take the next one. Its me ill take the next one. Jimmy bye, biff. People change, you know. Jimmy you got one . Our next guest is wearing a red and white striped shirt. Come on in. What is your name . My name is emily. Oh, my gosh. Hi. Jimmy please welcome emily. [ laughter ] live from my car, Jimmy Kimmel Live hi. Jimmy safety first. How are you . Im good. Just back from the pool. Jimmy do you have any anecdotes about that . Im a synchronized stwimer. Jimmy you are . Where are the others . I was synchronizing with myself today. Jimmy can you do that . Synchronized swimming is with the muchk as well as with each other. Jimmy what song do you swim to . Right now, were swimming to uptown funk. Jimmy really . Yeah. Jimmy bruno mars under water. I played a little updown funk, could you simulate . A land drill . Jimmy maybe ill learn it with you. Uptown funk gonna give it to you dont believe me just watch thats about all i can do. Thats really good. Jimmy do you have a clip on your phone . I do. Jimmy would everyone like to see that . Id love to. Jimmy okay, great. Jimmy, you cant see it, but theres an actual synchronized swim going on right now. You should check it out. Jimmy you guys are swimming exactly the same way. Thank you so much for being here. It was you know what that is . May sound crazy but it aint no lie baby byebye byebye bye jimmy no tip, emily . [ applause ] look whos here, mammadou is here. Oh, everybodys here. How about that thank you guys for riding with us. Tonight on the show, music from lcd soundsystem, dj khaled is here and well be right back with amy schumer, from the Brooklyn Academy of music [ cheers and applause ] sarah every year we take a remember nashville . Both kimchi bbq amazing honkytonk i cant believe you got us tickets i did. I didnt pay for anything. sigh you never do. Send me what i owe. Ive got it. I mean, you did find money to buy those boots. alert beep are you serious . Is that why you dont like them . Those boots could make a unicorn cry. Yeah tears of joy. groan pay back a friend day is october 17th. Get the bank of america mobile banking app today. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx [ [ all ] by simon anbees funkel ] [ all ] bees the volkswagen atlas. With easyaccess 3rd row. Lifes as big as you make it. Whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. Nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. And all day all night protection. When it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. Watch this watch this watch this watch this get an instant pot or air sale fryer just 99. 99 cuddl duds sheets or throws 29. 99 plus take an extra 20 off when you spend 100 or more youll get kohls cash too. Right now at kohls. With the Alaska Airlines visa signature card you get a companion ticket every year. So why not take someone that you see all the time. Someone like, i dunno, me . I mean i always spell your name right and put a little unicorn in your foam. No pressure but i really need to get out of here. Theyve been playing the same playlist for three months and im pretty sure youre not supposed to eat scones for dinner this many days in a row. Mexico, hawaii, costa rica, i dont really know. Im a quick packer. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we are here in brooklyn, new york. Thats paul shaffer sitting in with the cletones. Paul will with be us all week. Tonight on our show tomorrow night he can be seen on the title x the benefit concert, its the we the best, dj khaled is here with us. And then this is their latest album, its called american dream. Brooklyns own lcd soundsystem from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night, David Letterman will be here and well have music from fifth harmony, and later this week, howard stern, billy joel, woody harrelson, cardi b, tony bennett and a number of surprise visitors, too, whose names i cannot reveal for legal reasons. But trust me, they will be significant. Paul, do you think dave is gonna be mad when he finds out youre here . Wait a minute, im here . No, its a mini residency. Hell be okay. Jimmy yeah, i forgot about that. I forgot that, youre correct. Our first guest tonight is a multitalented entertainer who now, officially, does it all, at the booth theater on november 29th. She makes her broadway debut in a new play written by steve martin called meteor shower. Please say hello to amy schumer. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome, amy. Wow. Jimmy what is this . How ya doing . Im good. Jimmy thanks for coming. Im your first guest in new york. Jimmy you are, indeed. Im honored. Jimmy im honored. Imt. Not as honored as me. And i wanted to give you a good luck vase. And this is the only thing i put flowers in, in my home. I dont know what youre allowed to travel with. Jimmy thank you. This is a vase, you say . Yes. Did you smell it . Jimmy very herbal. Super herbal. Jimmy almost a jamaican theme. It does. Jimmy is this a drug bomb . What jimmy sorry. Didnt mean to assume anything. Thank you for coming here and for bringing me this gift. But this is your town, born here, raised here, you live here now. What cities have you lived in, what boroughs have you lived in . Isnt it great . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy have you lived in brooklyn . Representing lenox hill, whats up . Jimmy this is very exciting, this whole thing with steve martin. Were you like a theater kid . I was. Started doing plays when i was 5. Jimmy oh, 5 . Yeah, ive been doing them forever. And i know people just think like i stand on the stage and talk about my vaj jimmy well, it is on your linkedin profile. Thats true. Which you guys have to join. And im super excited about this because ive been doing tv and movies for a little and you have to not drink as much. Jimmy is that true . Well, in a closeup, here we have the Barbara Walters lighting so it doesnt matter. But on movies [ laughter ] no, she has really good lighting. If you were ever on the view, youre just eyes and a floating head. Jimmy ive never felt more gorgeous. Im like, am i a 10 on the view . Anyway, you can get hammered and wake up late, its just a good schedule. Jimmy thats a lovely way of approaching it. Its good. I had a really cool weight gain last winter. Has anyone ever had the kind of weight gain, where your coats dont fit . [ laughter ] jimmy planning to have one this week. Exactly. This is the week to do it. But its your jeans. But if its like a pea coat, you cant be like its not like washing your coat. Have you ever washed a coat in your life . Jimmy i dont know. Guillermo, have you ever had a coat washed in your life . No, never. He gets it. Jimmy does that worry you . If i gain or lose weight . Jimmy just being in kind of an unhealthy situation. Sure. And especially were so blessed with the internet that people give you constant feedback on your looks, its so and thank you for mean tweets, promoting it. Such a cool time. [ applause ] thank you for all of your feedback on my face and body. But sometimes it kinda backfires on the trolls because the other day somebody tweeted about me, amy schumers body looks like a bag of mashed potatoes. And i was like, okay, now i need mashed potatoes. And i had them [ laughter ] i havent had those in a while. Jimmy so you saw it as an inspiration . Yeah. Jimmy your brother is here with us tonight . Yes, he is. Jimmy and theres a special reason why. Yeah. Jimmy because your brother and are the only two adults that i know who played the bass clarinet. Thats right. Jimmy and your brother is a professional bass clarinet player and hes sitting in with cleto and paul and the guys. [ cheers and applause ] he even has a cd and all. The hottest instrument right now is the bass clarinet, as you can see. Look at that. Jimmy and hes got a quartet and everything. Hes going on tour and hes got a website and all this stuff. Jason, would you mind sharing a story that perhaps might be embarrassing about your sister, amy, when you were growing up . Oh you could just play music. Id love to, love to. Hi jase. Hey, ames. Good to see you. Yeah, you too. Remember when we grew up together . Yeah, im going to focus on that. When i was about 16 this story is about amy. I was in the jewish junior olympics playing basketball. One person. One person is pretty psyched about that. Jewish olympics. [ applause ] and we were warming up before the game, shooting layups and i see my sister on the side of the Court Running out with her arms open at me. And i was like, amy, whats going on . She ran up to me, gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear, jase, i just got my period. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy you really are very comfortable. From the bottom of my heart did not remember that. [ laughter ] just so you know, that was the first time i got it. I wasnt just going up to tell him about any one. Jimmy it was historic. Yeah. Can i Say Something approximate. Jimmy sure. You can always bum a tampon, you dont need to buy one. Because someone will hook you up. Jimmy e oh, i know. Sure. So i asked i was doing a photo shoot because im very beautiful and im at the photo shoot and i asked, it was a room of women, because you dont even have to say the words, you can just go, does anybody and this girl was like, yeah, i do. And she goes in front of the whole room, what size . [ laughter ] and im like, i know theres different sizes of tampons, obviously. But no ones ever confronted me. Like whats the circumference of your do you have a big hole or do you have a little how big is the hole in your body . Like, do you have something in a gaping . How about gaping . Jimmy on that note, perhaps well take a break. Amy schumer is here. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live in brooklyn are brought to you by bank of america of america. Tuesday is pay back a friend day. Get the Bank Mobile Banking app and get ready to settle up. Who does he leave the snowmen for . [ distorted voice ] by the time you read this, [ distorted voice ] i will have built a new snowman. Have you seen anything like this . Never like this. [ gasp ] the snowman. Rated r. In theaters friday. When you ache and havent youre not you. Tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. We give you a better night. Youre a better you all day. Tylenol®. [ america by simon can i cross it off yet . Almost. And. Now. The volkswagen atlas. With available digital cockpit. Lifes as big as you make it. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx [ cheers and applause ] at Stanford Health care, we can now repair complex aortic aneurysms without invasive surgery. If we can do that, imagine what we can do for varicose veins. And if we can precisely treat eye cancer with minimal damage to the rest of the eye, imagine what we can do for glaucoma, even cataracts. If we can use dna to diagnose the rarest of diseases, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. Imagine what we can do for you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. We are back in brooklyn with samey schumer. Amys brother jason stein is sitting in with the band on base clarinet, of all instruments. He tours with you, when you go out and do standup . That man does arenas. Jimmy youve been performing together for some time actually. Yes, and i couldnt think of about embarrassing stories because you know i dont get embarrassed. But i have a clip of the two of us dancing to Michael Jackson and id like to show. Jimmy lets look at it. Amy and her brother. [ applause ] jimmy i can see the chemistry. Amy . Steve martin himself asked you to be in this play that he wrote. Yes, he did. Jimmy thats the best thing ever, isnt it . Isnt that crazy . Jimmy theres Nothing Better than that. No, hes my hero. Jimmy well, of course. This is a photograph. Tell us whats going on here in this photograph. This is a dinner at steves house. Jimmy Steve Martins house. Oh, yeah. I just call him steve. Its crazy. Jimmy you guys are close. Stevie. Jimmy edie brickell, seinfeld, lauren michaels, dave letterman, steves wife ann, amy does not have a husband. Jimmy and daves wife regina. How about that night, huh . Jimmy was that like a pot luck thing . In a way. Jimmy did you bring anything . Um, yes. Oh, i brought a flag whistle for his daughter. Jimmy did she like it . She did, but it turns out the parents didnt care for that gift at all. Theyre so fun, for all ages. Slide whistle. Jimmy has it been fun working with steve on this . Yes. Jimmy when did you meet him first . I met him about ten years ago. I was cohosting this music show on the fuse network with mark hopith. Jimmy from blink 182 . Y