Times a year to check out the smoke alarm in the greenroom. Also, jim gaffigan and dave salmony is here. He brought a menagerie of creatures, including a striped skunk. I think its a skunk, either that, or im smelling snoops dressing room. He also brought what is called a great alligator turtle. I googled it. It should be fighting mothra in japan. Theres dave right there. Hey, dave, whats this animal . This is a finnic fox whose name is bob. Jimmy bob the fox. Does he know how many Instagram Likes he could get . Anything cute like this, he gets lots of likes. Jimmy thats dave salmony. You know, President Trump took a field trip to bask in the glow of workers at a petrochemicals plant. He was there to talk energy. And of course immediately steered the conversation from energy to himself. And we make a lot of jokes about this president , but its important to remember just how much hes sacrificed for the good of us. This thing is costing me a fortune being president. Somebody said oh, he might have rented a room to a man from saudi arabia for 500. What about the 5 billion that ill lose . You know, its probably going to cost me, including upside, down side lawyers, because every day they sue me for something. These are the most people. I just want to do a good job. Jimmy all he cares about is others. He doesnt care about money. He hasnt ordered the treasure to print his face on it yet. His house looks like liberaces sarcophagus. We slowed him down for the International Trade edition of drunk donald trump. In china, do us a favor. We need help. All our steel mills are closed. Oh, damn it. Could you send us some steel please . We dont make steel anymore. [cheers and applause] jimmy in other world news, if youve been watching our show over the last couple weeks, you know im running for mayor of a small town in newfoundland. Its a town called dill ddo, dildo. I have a strong sense of civic duty and a sense of humor of a 9yearold. But weve been spreading the world. Weve set an alltime record for most times the word dildo has been said on television. Everybodys talking about dildo right now. He has discovered dildo. Jimmy loves dildo. The whole thing has resulted in a flood of tourists to the town, all curious to see what dildo is all about. Dildo is planning to resip kate. We are here to celebrate dildo days. Jimmy fun word, fun town. As of now, im ahead in the polls. I dont actually have an opponent, im running unopposed, so i thought. Things were going pretty swimmingly until this bit of unpleasantness popped up. Now another Hollywood Star may be vying for the mayoral office. We were surprised. We thought jimmy kimmel was a shoe in. And now, look, hes got competition. Who would you rather see run in dildo . Jimmy kimmel or jason bourne . Jimmy kimmel is great, hes comedian, which we all love, but matt damon. Its where its at. So Big Decisions here. Jimmy no, there are no big dw decisions here. You cant have a dildo running dildo. Its like a horse riding a horse. Its impossible. How dare they bring him into this. I thought canadians were supposed to be nice. I bet thats an american that snuck in with the black hat. Lets go live to the Dildo Brewing Company where our very own guillermo del dildo is standing by. [cheers and applause] you think matt damon has a crowd like that going on . What are you up to there in dildo . We were listen to music, and then we got drunk. Jimmy that sounds like a fun night. Have you heard this, have you seen this guy with the matt damon stuff out in the town . Fortunately, i did, but i already took care of them, jimmy. Jimmy oh, you did. What did you do . What did you do to take care of them . I sent them to the next town. Jimmy oh, you did. I see so many of our loyal supporters. Dennis, karen, nug, captain dildo, the reed family, john, dean and leslie, providing music for the event tonight. And youre in the brewing company, right, guys . [cheers and applause] what are you drinking there, guillermo . Oh, i drinking the jimmy kimale. Jimmy i like that. I like it, too. Jimmy kimale. Jimmy sounds like you guys have been drinking all day. Nonstopping here. Jimmy you deserve it, guillermo. Guillermos been canvassing the town, going door to door making the final push. And lets take a look at some video to see the important work guillermos been doing in what is going to take to get jimmys vote for mayor of dildo. I think jimmys going to have to come up here if he wants my vote. What about if he gives Everybody Health care. We already have health care. Oh, you see he did it. Hes fast. Hi, how are you . What do you say . Oh. Hi, sir, how are you . Not bad. Are you going to vote for jimmy kimmel . Of course. Who isnt . Oh, great, great. Youre my type of lady. Come over welcome. Well. Hello . Hi, guys. Hi, family. Let me go see if you have something to drink . Wheres the liquor cabinet . Right up above. Do you have any tequila . I dont have any tequila. Do you watch Jimmy Kimmel Live show . Oh, i just said to my husband, i think he has something for his age. For his age. What do you mean . For his age. I think hes handsome for that age. Mr. Dog, what does jimmy needs to do to win your vote . He needs to bring me more treats and bones. I was doing his voice. Where we going next, guys . Where we going next . Jimmy for dildo jimmy for dildo jimmy for jimmy. Im campaigning for jimmy kimmel to be mayor of dildo. I think jimmy is a fine guy. Do you work in blockbuster . No. How come you wear this . I picked it up one time. Do you guys have titanic. Oh, my gosh, this is perfect. Dont kill me, all right . Can i put this in your lawn . Is that okay . Sure, yes. I meet you last night . No, not that i can remember, no. Huh . No. You dont remember last night i met you . No. All right, okay. All right. Whatever, i think you were drunk. Oh, d stands for our dignity our name will never change and i stands for the innocent child who should never feel ashamed l we fought for liberty and d for days of old while it spells out that loving town that we all call home my great work, guillermo. Appreciate it. So tomorrow is the big night. Tomorrow the committee for the local Service District of dildo will vote on whether or not i will become the firstever mayor of dildo. So i think, like five of the seven Committee Members there, correct . And wheres andrew . Andrew, you are on the committee as well . Yes. Jimmy yes, so andrew, introduce the members of the committee. Who do you have there . We have lisa. Jimmy hi, lisa. Hey, now. Lisa, or lacy reid. Re jimmy uhhuh. And dean reid. Jimmy how does it work . Does it have to be unanimous or does mamajorijority rule . We rule by majority. Jimmy so i have to get four of you guys to vote for me. Yes. Jimmy let me just say two things before you vote. I believe in building a better dildo for everyone. And i believe in buying a round of drinks for everyone in the bar. [cheers and applause] and, by the way, if im mayor, theres more drinks to come. [cheers and applause] thanks, everyone. Ill see you all tomorrow for the big vote. Oh, theres song, too. Its a hit already. By the way, these dildodians as they are called. They really are, have come to los angeles. The local ntv news took one of their young women, amanda muse, all the way to hollywood to track us down. Jimmy kimmel has been on this all week, he has people on the ground in dildo, and we have our sign here. So we are the sister city. The town of dildo is the sister city of hollywood. Jimmy well, thanks, amanda. Our sister city is dildo. Since the day i announced my candidacy, the media, especially Canadian Media has been bombarding me with interview requests. I need to knock them all out. Im having a press conference, its scheduled to start. Excuse me if would you for just one second. I need to get up there. Yeah. Bear with me for one moment, if you would. Get this taken care of. Okay. Ah, well, all right, thank you all for being here. As you know, im running for mayor of dildo. I know you have questions, and well, lets start with amanda muse in the back there, amanda . So why should the people of dildo vote for you . Jimmy well, as far as i know, theres no one else running, so, you know, who else are they going to vote for . Next question. Amanda . Yeah. Are you willing to participate in a screechin ceremony to be an honorary newfoundlander . Jimmy it would be my pleasure to be screeched in and not only will i kiss the cod, i will give it tongue. The next question will be for, yes, amanda. As the head of dildo, how will you ensure smooth passage forward for your constituents. Jimmy its a very dirty question. Do your parents know youre doing this for a job . One more question, and, amanda . What is your position oni on unincorporated communities . Jimmy my position is straight missionary. The oldfashioned way . Yours . Jimmy, were not all that close. Jimmy you can read all my positions in the op ed i wrote for the daily dildo. I want to thank everyone for coming. Long live dildo. Tonight on the show, music from snoop dogg, dave salmoni is here with animals, and well be right back with jim gaffigan. So stick around. [ cheers and applause ] abcs Jimmy Kimmel Live, brought to you by progressive. Youre covered. dramatic music and youre saving money, because you bundled home and auto. Sarah, get in the house. Were all here for you. All all day, all night. dramatic music great job speaking calmly and clearly everyone. Thats how you put a customer at ease. Hey, did anyone else hear weird voices while they were in the corn . No. No. Me either. Whispering voice jamie. What . It runs on doritos. Want to tr[dog barks]me machine . Okay. Yes [humming, thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life get out of my yard [birds chirping] jimmy . Youre so old. [crunch ] wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. This is something bigger. G. That is big. Not as big as that. Big. Bigger. Big. Bigger. This is big. And thats bigger. Dont stop, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you whoa i cant feel the heat boom goes the dynamite, club yoko plays ] feels like im taking flight. [sfx poof] [sfx squeaking eraser sound effect. ] i am who i wanna be who i wanna be who i wanna be. Im a strong individual feeling that power im so original, ya sing it louder. I am, ooo ooo ooo ooo Ehhh Ehhh Ehhh preorder and get more. Get up to 150 samsung credit, plus 6 months of Unlimited Music with spotify premium. [cheers and applause] jimmy tonight, a man who has probably the worlds most dangerous emotional support animals. From animal planet, dave salmoni is here with an alligator, a snapping turtle, a baby toucan, an owl, a skunk, i dont know what the hell hes got, but well see them. And one of them, we will eat then, his album comes out friday. Its called, i wanna thank me. Snoop dogg from the mercedesbenz outdoor stage. Tomorrow night, gerard butler, david alan grier, and music from the avett brothers. So join us then. Our first guest tonight is a very funny man who is a prolific creator of both comedy specials and people. His seventh special is called quality time. Its available starting friday on amazon prime. Please welcome jim gaffigan. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you . So nice. Jimmy how have you been . Im good. Jimmy how has your summer gone so far . It was too much time with my family. Way too much time. I took my kids to europe. Jimmy uhhuh. Nice. And i tried to get rid of them. I took my kids to europe, which is quite possibly the most expensive thing you could do in the world. Jimmy of course. Youve got a lot of kids, right . Ive got a lot of kids. Five. Jimmy five kids. Most people are like why . Jimmy how many rooms do you have to get with five kids . We have to get a couple rooms, and then we have to get a room just for the ipads. Where is going to be the charging station . Its very important. Jimmy yeah, and then going to europe, youve got to convert. Theres got to be the converter. Its very dramatic. But its exciting. Jimmy were you working, were you on a comedy tour. Where did you go . What countries . I did two shows in ireland. And two in spain. And prague and budapest. And it was, it was amazing, cause, you know, its just a different experience. In ireland, i love ireland, but it was like 68 degrees, and they were complaining with the heat. Jimmy oh, really . Oh, its so hot. So hot. Do you want a fan for your room . And im like, im wearing a sweater. I think im okay. But i loved it, and, you know, spain, which was unbelievable. Thats where im from, originally. And, no, spain, which of course is, you know, they call it espania. It its weird we call somebody elses country a different name. Im from espania, spain, huh . Its called espania. I like spain better. Hi, my name is bob. I think youre more of a sam. Jimmy in america, do you find that youre being greeted warmly by people in other countries . I internationally. And its different with trump as president. Its kind of like having a parent whos an alcoholic. You show up in a country, and youre like, sorry about my dad. We dont know what were going to do about it, but trying to get the phone from him, but, we dont know. Jimmy this is, these are some photographs of yes. Jimmy tell us whats happening. This is the very first trip i went on, and this is me. Thats not me. Thats my dad. This is me at i look at pictures of me as a child, and i might as well be looking at a stranger. I have no memory. I dont know what was going on, i was obviously, they couldnt afford sunglasses for me. Jimmy something was wrong. This is a good one, too. This is me and my brother joe. Again, im in a hat. Its almost as if i was trying to dress dorkily. Do i have suspenders on . Jimmy its like looking at a picture of a stranger and yet you look exactly as you did. Other than the glasses, you are your own little twin. Im beautiful. I guess you could say in a way, im beautiful. Jimmy and whats this arrow here by your brothers face . That is a screen grab i suppose. Jimmy oh. [ laughter ] everything topnotch here. What is this thing. Thats a screen grab. Jimmy how many siblings do you have . I have three brothers and two sisters. So im from a big family. Youre from a big family, right . Jimmy not that big, my brother and sister. My wifes one of nine kids, and i love my inlaws. Does that sound unbelievable . I do love them, its just theres so many of them. And so every holiday, theres nine. So every holiday or get together, all eight of the siblings, including my wife and their family, get together and spend every moment together over christmas. I went to a movie with 30 people. I didnt even know that was legal. Were walking around, people thought we were from a church. I mean, to put it in perspective, jesus only walked around with 12. I learned very quickly, i dont want to do anything with 30 people, you know, like even if i was on the titanic and the last rescue boat was filled with 30 people, id be like, you guys go ahead. I dont want to be there when you are trying to decide where to eat lunch. And often there is more than 30 people. Because sometimes those 30 people invite other people and ill have conversations like im your wifes uncles best friend. Oh, theres a term for that. Stranger. Youre a total stranger. Jimmy do you get anytime for yourself with the kids and the inlaws and all this stuff . I travel, i try to travel as much with my kids as i can, because i dont want to be a live action version of the cats in the cradle song. And theres plenty of times, im not traveling with my kids now. When i travel without my children, in between those moments of guilt are just hours of happiness. Jimmy oh, yeah. And naps and doing nothing. Thats what i like to do is absolutely nothing. And then i call home and just hear the chaos on the other end. And i have to lie to my wife about what i did. Shes like what did you do today . I got up. Did that, enough about me, what about you . Jimmy yeah. Take a little nap during the commercial break here. Im going to do jim mgaig us. Wel be right back. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by turo way better than a rental car. Download the app or visit turo dot com today. Applebees handcrafted burgers now with endless fries starting at 7. 99. And get more bites for your buck with late night halfpriced apps. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Youre too young. Tare you kidding . Od boys. I know its fudged up. I have an idea. Are you 18 or older . Eww how many husbands does she have . [ screaming ] rated r. We hide hotel names so you can score 4star hotels at 2star prices. Hotwire hotwire. Com alright, so this is how you are going to say. Youll get the best deal of the year on xfinity tv and internet. And you even get this. Mike, youre on balloons. Sarah, youre gonna high five everybody. Ben, youre gonna be wowing them with your dance moves. Dont miss the xfinity best deal of the year. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Get amazing tv and internet during our best deal of the year. With huge savings of 600 over 2 years. Plus a speed upgrade to 400 megs, free for 2 years. And ask about even more savings with xfinity mobile. Click, call or visit a store today. Dand steaks arent just for dinner. St. And right now we can have both for less because with choice sirloin. Dennys is elevating its new steak and eggs for just 10. 99. Its new and its a pretty big deal. See you at dennys [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, were back with jim gaffigan. Jim is the author and performer on the first, is it amazons first comedy special. This is the people that, where you buy your paper towels are now producing comedy specials. So i mean we all, someone told me that, they asked me, but what if you dont have an amazon prime account . And i was like, well, you probably arent on the internet, then. Jimmy get one is the answer. Mostly, everyone buys socks and, you know, soap from amazon, so im just hoping that people will search up quality time and watch it. Jimmy yeah, why wouldnt they watch it. Certainly, i mean its you, and youre selling it on a, now did you make a lot of these . Because i feel like not that many people are going to buy this. Interestingly, thats a good point. But interestingly, lps are getting bigger and bigger. Jimmy it seems the same size to me. Yeah, but it is. Jimmy its gone from like 1200 weirdos who have record players in their homes to 1400. Now, i think theyre competing with cds and eight track. Theyre competing with eight track. Jimmy weve got some animals coming out in a moment. I know, im excited. Jimmy where were you here . This is in kyoto. Jimmy is all of these your kids or is that a monkey. Thats a monkey. So in kyoto, on a mountain, they have like monkeys that you walk up. I didnt even know that there were monkeys in kyoto, so you walk up this mountain, and theres all these precautiona