President trump was in town for an adventure that started in palo alto and made a stop here in l. A. Air force one touched down around 4 15 in the bay area. The president on a fund raising trip expected to bring inasmuch as 15 million for his reelection campaign. I love l. A. Whats not to love about great weather and an economy thats worth almost 600 billion. Jimmy yeah, we love you right back, old pal. Athe beginning of a levitra commercial. So he had a fund raising breakfast this morning. Last night he appeared at a Fund Raising Dinner where he told supporters we will never be a socialist country, and then he asked them for money. While he was here, trump took time to criticize our cities for the homeless crisis were experiencing and says he plans to do something about it, which is good. I think it would be great if he let all the Homeless People stay at the trump hotel. I hear theyve got a lot of empty rooms. [cheers and applause] so after he got his, thanks, everybody. After he got his money and went down to san diego for more money, and then kept heading south for a stop at the border to check on progress on his wall. This is your maximum that you could do, and one thing we havent mentioned is technology. Theyre wired so that we will know if somebodys trying to break through, and you may want to discuss that a little, general. Sir, there could be some advantage to not discussing that. Thats a good answer. Jimmy quiet, dopey, youre going to ruin the surprise. And while not all angelenos welcomed the president to our fair city, you know who didnt stand in invitation today . The taliban, less than two weeks after trump canceled their camp david slumber party, they said if trump wants to talk their doors are open. Of course their doors are open. They live in caves. Can you imagine that meeting . The only peace hes going to get with them is a fivepiece from kfc. This is the new new National Security adviser, robert c. Obrien. Trump officially announced him on twitter, he wrote i am pleased to announce robert c. Obrien as the very special envoy for Hostage Affairs as our new National Security adviser. He is a Hostage Negotiator for real. He got to know trump when he tried to get him to let melania go, and that didnt work out. But they became friends. Hes also the guy he sent to swe sweden to free a ap rocky. Donald trump has now gone through more National Security advisers than wives. Meile, the first lady has a renovation project going. Shes been fixing up the east wing, painting, refurbishing, patching up little fist holes in the wall. Among the improvements shes making, she had to get the rug in the diplomatic Reception Room replaced because foot traffic had warn it down. Unfortunately, when they found the old one out in the trash they found her in it and had to make her go blaack inside. She designed a rug for her husbands bathroom. And she designed a rug for mike pence at space force headquarters. The big project was the master bedroom. It is dated. It hasnt been remodelled in quite some time. This is before. And this was after. I think it looks great. She just wants every room to be best, thats all. Wouldnt it be great if melania had a reality show . Trapped in that house, angrily sipping martinis, under a huge portrait of grover cleveland. Who is dis . Speaking of reality shows, the president s former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski said a lot of nothing to congress yesterday. They brought him in. He repeatedly refused to answer questions from democrats, and then he took a victory lap on cable news. He was on cnn with alisyn camerota, she was very, very patient with the most annoying person in the world. The Mueller Report was very clear. There was no collusion, no obstruction. Thats not what the Mueller Report said, corey. It absolutely said that. Corey. Wait a second, hold on, time out, time out. Did you read the Mueller Report . No, i never did. Jimmy hes waiting for the movie to come out. She also asked him about a statement he made in congress, one of the few statements he made in congress where he made it clear he feels no obligation to be honest when speaking to the media. This is important. Do you lie ive answered your question. To the media . Whim as honest as i can be often as i can be. What does that mean . Which part of that dont you understand . When you lie, corey, when do you lie . Are you lying now . For instance. Im as honest as i can be with you, alison. Thats not good enough. Jimmy they definitely need to get divorced. Because thats not going to work out. It took a while. I think we finally found my leas leastfavorite character in the trump universe and its Corey Lewandowski. In beijing they unveiled the official mass cot for the winter games in 2022. And it is an ice panda, its name is ice in mandarin. Ice and pandas are two things we might not have anymore by 2022. They also released a video that explains the origin story of the character, i guess. Lets take a look at that video and ill narrate. You see a mysterious spacecraft rockets toward and crash lands on earth where it is found and penetrated by an adorable panda bear. He goes in the alien bubble and comes out transformed into ice panda, who now has the power to fly and to weave a huge magical stadium nest. Made out of glow sticks. Thousandfootlong glow sticks and necklaces, too. And now it snowboards into space where if then highfives an astronaut it loves, i guess. And that is where our story ends inexplicably, with the new mascot. Kind of looks like you. A little bit, a little bit. Jimmy little bit. So thats the new mass cot, which is kind of cute. By no means is that the worst plak ma olympic mass cot. We went through every mascot, here they are, the worst mascots in olympic history. We will begin at number seven. At number seven is izzy from the 96 atlanta games who looks like one of the california raisins made it with a smurf. At number six, kobe from barcelona, a fox with one nipple. Like sean hannity himself. At number five, we have a duo, neve and gliz from 2006. After the games were over, someone stuck a poker through their heads, put them on a Graham Cracker and roasted them over the olympic torch. Coming in at number four is whatever this was from london. Thats just a penis with bracelets on. At number three, the first olympic mass cot from grenoble in 1968. I dont know, the worlds scariest toy. Looks more like chernobyl than grenoble. Coming in at number two, this abomination from athens in 2004, two people with what appear to be serious medical conditions. You know, the doctors tried to separate them and they died. And the worst mass cot in olympic history. The laziest from all from the 1980 moscow games, nisha, they took a picture of a teddy bear and put a belt on him. Congratulations, moesha, you are the worst mass cot of all time. This is something they will not have at the olympics. Vaping, because china last week and now india yesterday put the kibosh on ecigarettes. They are now illegal in those countries after causing a wave of Health Problems and deaths around the world. The state of new york yesterday issued an emergency ban on flavored ecig retss. And here in california, our governor gavin newsom announced a 20 Million Ad Campaign to tell people about the dangers of vaping. Just tell people in california that vape pens have gluten in it. Well stop. I would like to get some of that money. I tried to help kids stop vaping by creating a character that was designed to make vaping look corny, not cool. It was vape dad. I guess it didnt work because vaping is still a big thing. We went back to the drawing board and gave vape dad a new look. And here to teach kids that ecigarettes are not cool, here is the new vape dad 2. 0. Come on out, this is the guy. Hello, vape dad. Vape dad . Vape dad . Oh. Sorry, fans. Couldnt hear you over my jams. The new Billie Eilish . Slaps vape dad jimmy obviously the news about the dangers of vaping, thats not something that bothers you. Worried about what . Looking awesome . Vape dad jimmy yeah. You know what i always tell my bros on my Field Hockey Team . Just because you dont have a lig lighter dont mean vaping isnt fire. Vape dad jimmy people are getting very sick from vaping. This doesnt have you concerned . Aint no thank, butang. Nothings going to stop vape dad from getting his steam on, isnt that right, vape mom . Vape mom jimmy is vape mom dead . Yeah, shes dead. She was just pumping gas, puffing on her favorite vape, cotton candy cyclone and the whole place exploded in a ball of fire. Jimmy oh, im so sorry. Than thanks, cuz. If any of you ladies want to break off a piece of the vape ape, ill be the dude who smells like a burning vape dad jimmy well, lets see what happens, the kids will see that and they will never vape again. All right, well, i thought it was a good idea. Hey, we got a good show for you tonight. Tonight weve got music from fitz and the tantrums, lake bell is here, and well be right back with Zach Galifianakis. Abcs Jimmy Kimmel Live, brought to you by the all new, 2020 lincoln aviator. Theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. Wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. Doordash has the most restaurants across america. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. First order, 0 delivery fee. Delicious, delivered. But dad, youve got allstate. With accident forgiveness they guarantee your rates wont go up just because of an accident. 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Dont start humira if you have an infection. Man 3 vo ask your rheumatologist about humira. Woman 4 vo go to humira. Com to see proof in action. They took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Juul marketed mango, mint, and menthol flavors, addicting kids to nicotine. Five million kids now using ecigarettes. The fda said juul ignored the law with Misleading Health claims. Now juul is pushing prop c, to overturn san franciscos ecigarette protections. Say no to juul, no to big tobacco, no to prop c. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight, from bless this mess, which returns to abc tuesday, lake bell is here. Then, their new album comes out friday. Its called, all the feels, fitz and the tantrums from the mercedesbenz outdoor stage. Tomorrow night, the late jamie lannister, Nikolaj Costerwaldau will be here, lord grantham himself, Hugh Bonneville will join us, and well have music from maren morris. So please join us for all of that. Jimmy our first guest makes me laugh very hard and he will make you laugh hard too. His beloved internet nonsense jumps from short form funny or die to netflix as between two ferns the movie premieres friday, please welcome Zach Galifianakis. [cheers and applause] jimmy very good to see you. Thanks for having me. Jimmy i hope you are well. Take me through your daily routine. What time do you get up in the morning . Ah, you talkin about jimmy like today. 3 00 a. M. To pee. Jimmy mmhm. [ laughter ] and then back down . People know about that. Then i try to go back down. Usually wake up around 5 00 in the morning. Jimmy 5 00. And i look at my sizzle reel. [ laughter ] i do that daily. Jimmy each day. How long is it, that sizzle reel . Youve cut that down. I made a peach smoothie. Peach and strawberry smoothie. Do you really want to know . Jimmy frozen peaches . I freeze the peaches before hand, and the strawberries. Put a little flaxseed and pecans. Jimmy do you freeze the peaches yourself . I freeze them myself. Ill cut them. This is a fascinating interview. Jimmy each night. Ive been doing that lately, each night, when i go home, ill freeze my fruit. [ laughter ] and my eggs. And then ill, in the morning ill go, wow, zack, youve really, really, really started to live an adult life. Jimmy you really are. You and your family, you spend like the whole summer up in british columbia. Mmhm. Yes. Jimmy you know im fascinated by this, because i have fantasies myself. What goes on up there, what do you do while youre there . Well, i get up at 3 00 in the morning. Jimmy uhhuh. [ laughter ] urinate. No. I live in the middle of the woods. Can i just tell you something . Jimmy yeah. Im so embarrassed. Jimmy why . My phone is ringing. Jimmy is it really . Shall we answer it . Its in the ankle. Im not answering that. Jimmy its in the ale . I brought it out because you know you do this mean tweet thing. Jimmy yeah. I dont need, like my relatives send me texts before they know that im coming on. I got a text from my cousin,ki read it . Jimmy yeah, please, sure do. I dont need mean tweets. Jimmy what is that, the iphone 2 . It runs on diesel. This one. Just read that youre on kimmel tonight. Please dont embarrass the family. Do something different, like be funny. Jimmy which cousin wrote that . His name is joey nazarella. Jimmy you have a joey nazarella in your family . Hes my cousins cousin. Twice removed. Jimmy back to canada. Back to canada. We live in the woods, and we have trained a lot of the animals in the woods. Jimmy you have . To do what . Like, when i get home, birds will fly around on my shoulders and take my sweater off. Jimmy like a disney movie. Like a disney movie. I have a moose that looks after the land. Jimmy you do. Whats the mooses name . Does he have a name . His name is glen. Jimmy glen the moose. Glen the moose. But he doesnt know the internet pass codes and that stuff but he takes care of the surrounding areas. Jimmy when you leave he takes care of the property. Yes, yes. Jimmy do you feel sad when you have to come back to california . I think, i think those of us that live in cities and suburbs, be serious for a second. I think in chaotic times that were in, when we live in these chaotic times, time speeds up to me, and in the woods it really, really, really slows down. Jimmy mmhm. And that, to me, is very beneficial. And i like to walk through the woods and pick mushrooms and, not that kind. Jimmy just regular. Just regular mushrooms. Jimmy a mushroom smoothie . I love mushroom smoothies. Jimmy do the kids love, our kids are the same age, r 5 and 2. Do the kids like being up there and being in nature . Yeah, they like, theres a lot of running around, a lot of nudity. Jimmy oh. Lord of the flies type thing. Theyre not nude. I am. Jimmy oh, i see. [ laughter ] thats too creepy for them to be nude. Me. But its nice, its nice to be able to go up there. Canadas a really nice place to be. Jimmy are the children welladjusted . Or are you weird with them . I dont know. I dont mean any what does that mean . Because, because of me, my personality, youre asking if theyre welladjusted or not . Jimmy well, four seconds ago you said you were running around nude with them. I thought id follow up on that. Theyre good boys. Jimmy theyre not rebelling and being extra normal or anything like that . Theyre 2 and 5. What are they going to do . Jimmy mine do stuff, mine do a loftt of weird things. Like what . Jimmy for instance, my son, brazen brazen brazenly fondled his grandmothers breast yesterday. [ applause ] and he said noni booby. So there is that. I do have something to say. I shouldnt say this on television. Can you cut it out . Jimmy we can cut it out. It will just be . For t for the ladies from frank for the . I really wan you to cut this out. Jimmy all right. My s whos 2, he, he saw me as i was peeing. Jimmy it was 3 00 notiin the morning . No. And he walks up to me and just the way he said it, he says dad, can i touch your big penis . [cheers and applause] anyway, i look forward to you cutting that out of the show. Jimmy and what did you say . I said no i didnt know, i just laughed. And i mean. Jimmy you said the right thing, you did the right thing. I watch add movie last night. Do you want your money back . Jimmy no, i didnt pay anything. Oh, no. It was great, its very, very funny. Its very funny. This is a show based on a very, Everybody Knows, i would imagine that Everybody Knows between two ferns, yes . No . You dont think so . I would imagine. [cheers and applause] jimmy even just the one you did with barack obama got like a zillion people watching that one. Yes yes. Maybe people know it because he was on it. Yeah, we made a movie format of this fiveminute internet. We did one. Jimmy i did one of the first. You did the second one, yes. Jimmy right. And so if you dont know, hes rude, these interview shows where i get to say things that i wonder if you ever fantasize about saying rude, you kind of say rude things to people, like are you equipped to raise children, that kind of thing. Jimmy yeah, that kind of thing. We made a movie out of it, it got a lot of, lot of actors that people know. I didnt know a lot of them, b people will know them. Jimmy there are shom great people. Benedict cumberbatch. David letterman. Jimmy john legend, chrissy tiegen. Matthew mcconaughey. Thats right, thats right. Jimmy lets take a break. When we come back i want to hear a story about what happened, because theres a great scene with matthew mcconaughey, and also zack did something yesterday that is even more ridiculous than the story he just told us. Jimmy more with Zach Galifianakis, after this. We did promise wed go. [dog] take that trip [dog] take it take it take it take it [sfx mastercard checkout sonic plays] [dogs] they get the miles. We get a petsitter. [dog] whoa [sfx master