Our president donald jumanji trump said something on friday that might top off all the things he said. The best words, stable genius, covfefe, all of them may pale compared to what he shared on friday at the white houses Small Business round table event. We have a situation where were looking very strongly at sinks and showers. And other elements of bathrooms. [ laughter ] where you turn the faucet on and in areas where theres tremendous amounts of water where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it. And you dont get any water. You turn on the faucet and you dont get any water. They take a shower and water comes dripping out. Its dripping out very quietly dripping out. [ laughter ] people are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times as opposed to once. [ laughter ] jimmy 15 times . What are you eating . [ laughter ] the only time you flush a toilet 15 times is if the d. E. A. Is banging on your door and you have a kilo of cocaine up you. Thats not normal. He instructed the head of the epa to look into this. Can you imagine . Youre the head of the Environmental Protection agency. You get a call from the president complaining about the water pressure in his toilet. This is like if he called the department of agriculture to have them replace a divot on his golf course. Its nuts. But apparently this is a big issue for antiregulation conservatives, and trump is embracing it. He even has a new campaign slogan. Drain the toilet. [ laughter ] which now that the swamp is empty why not . I think its important for us to remember we may never see anything like this ever again. But the president spent much of the weekend this weekend draining his cell phone. He tweeted 105 times yesterday. Thats more than he flushed this weekend. Okay . [ laughter ] he tweeted, he retweeted, and he retweeted himself. I almost feel bad for his supporters. They had to spend the whole day tapping like, like, like, like, like. And not only did he retweet, he reretweeted this piece of work. This photograph of his head on Sylvester Stallones body. Do you think he knows that isnt him . Do you think maybe hes so out of it he thinks he posed for this picture . [ laughter ] trumps week is off to a rocky start too. There was more testimony in the house today as we heard from lawyers for the left and right who laid out their arguments for and against impeachment. The attorney for the republicans, this guy steve castor, he was the sadlooking gentleman from the hearings a couple weeks ago. He showed up. Is it a good sign when your lawyers briefcase is a grocery sack . [ laughter ] i was hoping it was full of he had notebooks in there and a lot of incriminating kale chips. Republicans tried to muck things up from the getgo. They stopped the chairman of the House Judiciary Committee jerry nadler a thousand times. The first time within seconds of his opening remarks. The House Committee on the judiciary will come to order. Without objection the chairs authorized to declare recesses of the committee object. Objection noted. Jimmy were off to a flying stop. Thats how the whole thing went. The republicans they dont really have a defense. The plan is to lay down as many speed bumps as possible. The strategy was to run out the clock with point of order after point of order. Point of order. You made a ruling on the point of order. You made a ruling on the point of order, mr. Chairman. The gentleman from georgia point of order. Point of order. Mr. Chairman, you have to recognize the gentleman will state his point of order. Mr. Chairman, my point of order is this. In the previous point of order you ruled against his point of order. Will you let him finish his point of order, please . Make his point of order. My point of order is that you were out of order in your ruling. I made a point of order and you wont rule on it. I have not heard a point of order. Chairman, point of order. State your point of order. The point of order is this. That is a point of order. That is not a point of order. That is not a point of order. The committee is in order. Well, would you rule on my original point of order . That is not a point of order. It is a point of order. Its not a point of order. [ speaking simultaneously ] point of order. Point of order. Thats my point of order. He should not be up here. Its not a point of order. [ laughter ] jimmy this whole court is point of order it was quite a day today. And with all this acrimony going back and forth between the parties the white house shockingly reached a deal with house democrats. It has nothing to do with impeachment. Thats happening. The deal is that trump will get to create his space force and in exchange the democrats get new parental leave benefits for federal workers. Its exciting. Now federal employees will be able to spend 12 weeks with their newborn children before they are shot into outer space. [ laughter ] or i dont know how it works exactly. This must have been a tough negotiation for mike pence because on the one hand he desperately wants to be our Space Commander but on the other hand he gets a panic attack anytime anyone mentions female reproduction. [ laughter ] but its a rare sign of cooperation between parties. And believe it or not, donald trump supports paid family leave. You know, he paid marla and ivana to leave the family. [ laughter ] meanwhile, the president s lawyer, rudy giuliani, has been prepping his own case in ukraine. Hes been there. Trump says he plans to deliver a report based on new information he uncovered there last week. Giuliani has extensive ties to the region, both through his legal work and his extended family in nearby transylvania. [ laughter ] and now all they have to do is figure out how to ship his coffin home and look out. [ laughter ] we have a new Miss Universe. I dont know if you heard. Miss south africa was named Miss Universe last night. [ applause ] i think were all excited about it. The show was on fox last night. And you remember a few years ago steve harvey announced the wrong winner of Miss Universe . Well, the sequel to that is here. All the contestants competed in a National Costume contest. Heres a look at the winner, philippines. This is it right here. I thought i had on something fly. But girl, you just whoo. Cake and oranges and potato chips. This is a lot. Can i Say Something . Yes. Its not philippines. Its malaysia. Okay. Well, let me explain something to you. I just read that in the teleprompter. Yall going to quit doing this to me. I can read. It said now theyre trying to fix it now. See, this is what they did to me back in 2015. Played me short like that. This is malaysia. I really love this National Costume of malaysia. Jimmy wow. Seems pretty clear to me that someone at the Miss Universe pageant is trying to destroy steve harvey. [ laughter ] and thats what the fbi should be looking into this is something for those of you who have Young Children at home like i do. Are you familiar with the baby yoda from the mandalorian . Its a very cute and popular character. But according to disney, which owns star wars, baby yoda toys will not be available for christmas. They didnt want to make the toys because they didnt want to spoil the reveal of the character. And now its too late. Christmas is now ruined. But if you want a baby yoda for your kid or for your adult nerd, help is on the way. Here is a simple way anyone with a few basic items can make their own little yoda at home. [ microwave running ] [ electricity crackling ] [ laughter ] jimmy isnt that great . [ applause ] were problem solvers around here. I have some exciting news. I got waxed. Starting tomorrow, a wax figure of me will be on display at Madame Tussauds hollywood. Thank you very much. Thank you. [ applause ] they have something called the Jimmy Kimmel Live experience. We decided to have jimmy kimmel experience here too at our show. We brought wax me into our office and we put it in strange places around the building to surprise my coworkers with special emphasis on my cousin mickey. So please watch. Oh, god. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. Oh, [ bleep ]. Oh, my god. What the hell . That scared the hell out of me. Oh, my god. [ bleep ] oh, my god. Oh, my god. Its taunting us. [ bleep ]. Geez oh, my god i love him, but he keeps scaring me. It is so insane. Thats so cute. Oh, my god. Oh, my god this guy keeps scaring me. Oh, my god. Im going to get a heart attack. [ screaming ] jimmy im just going to stand here. So whatever happens. Geez oh, my god. Oh, my god god. You guys are crazy. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You guys are nuts. Its so bizarre. It is so crazy. Okay. Come on, jimmy. [ screaming ] [ cheers and applause ] [ screaming ] oh, my god. That is so stop it jimmy did you know it was me every time . We dont even have a wax figure. What . [ laughter ] are you serious . Jimmy no. Im sorry. We had to do it. Jimmy oh, wow. Look at mickey and her friend. Sorry, mick. Are you guys getting to know each other . What . Jimmy never mind. I hope you have many wonderful conversations together. Thank you. Thank you. Jimmy thats my cousin mickey, everybody. Hey, weve got a good show tonight. We have music from allen stone. Michelle wolf is here. And well be right back with jack black. Dicky abcs Jimmy Kimmel Live, brought to you by samsung. Brought to you by sprint. paul its true, trade in an iphone 6s or newer in any condition and youll get the powerful new iphone 11 for just 0 a month when you switch to sprint. sprintern yeah, an iphone 6s for an iphone 11. Or trade in your beloved iphone 7, trusty iphone 8, amazing iphone x. paul . Take them all to 11. sprintern see, i told you, magic. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. A more secure diaper closure. There were babies involved. And they werent saying much. Thats what we do at 3m, we listen to people, even those who dont have a voice. We are people helping people. Hurry in for up to seventy five percent off storewide. Who dont have a voice. And one day only, this thursday, all jeans are fifty percent off only at old navy your happy place. Find your breaking point. Then break it. Every emergenc gives you a potent blend of nutrients so you can emerge your best, with emergenc. only lexus asks questions like these, because we believe the most amazing machines are inspired by you. Experience the rewards of our curiosity. You know when you go to ross for a few gifts and realize. Oh yeah you shouldve gotten a cart . Thats yes for less. Get gifts for everyone on your list and save 20 to 60 percent off Department Store prices. At ross. Yes for less. And youre not sure wholl be more excited. You. Oh, yeah. Or them . Ahhhhhh thats yes for less. Be a rock star this season and save big on gifts theyre gonna love. At ross. Yes for less. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thanks for coming back. Tonight, she has a new netflix special called Michelle Wolf joke show. Michelle wolf is here. With us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] then, this is his album. Building balance. Allen stone from the mercedesbenz outdoor stage. Allen is great. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow, Dwayne Johnson will be here, yahya abdulmateen ii and music from she and him. And later this week, kevin hart, awkwafina, julia fox, paul walter hauser, plus music from finneas and mark ronson with anderson paak. So join us for that. One more thing. In case you did not know, i wrote and illustrated a childrens book. Its called the serious goose. This is the book. All the money that i make from it goes to Childrens Hospital in l. A. And Childrens Hospitals across the united states. [ cheers and applause ] you can buy it anywhere they have books. Not anywhere, but or you can go to seriousgoose. Com. Theseriousgoose. Com. To get a copy signed by yours truly, which is my code name for me. Did you buy a copy of the book, guillermo . Guillermo yeah, i bought three at target. Jimmy and you paid for them yourself . Guillermo yes. Jimmy erin, is that true . Did he pay for them . Yes. Jimmy are you lying . Okay. Well, gracias, guillermo. Guillermo youre welcome. Youre the best. Jimmy there will be further investigation later. [ laughter ] no one acts, rocks, or loves harder than our first guest tonight. Hes a grammywinning half of tenacious d and dedicates his days to theater. Movie theater. Jumanji the next level opens in theaters friday. Please say hello to jack black. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] wow. Amazing. Really amazing. Thank you. Jimmy do you know what . Weve been on for a long time and consistently no one makes a better entrance than you do. No one. Its not even close. I feel like every time i set the bar a tiny bit higher. Theres a lot of pressure now for myself. I cant just walk out here anymore. Im always like, what am i going to do . Jimmy you want me to clean those glasses . They look a little steamed up. Yeah, a little steamy. If youve got a shamwow. My thing is im back there and i was like all i know is ive got to get a spinaroo in there. [ laughter ] so mission accomp. Spinaroo achieved. Jimmy these look like theyve been wiped down with a chicken cutlet. [ laughter ] all right. Thats the best i can do. Im sorry. I dont have any spray. Its good to see you. Theyve got their own chair. Jimmy everything all right . I know youve been all over the world, right . Traveling. Yeah. Jimmy promoting this movie. Jumanji the next level. Its one of those big movies. Youve got to go around the world to promote. So we hit berlin. We hit london. We hit gay paris. And theyre big premieres. Each city has their own like big shamwow. [ laughter ] and you know, you do the premiere. You do the red carpet. And then you introduce the movie. At the premyay. And i thought what can i do to make an impression . And i was thinking of all the great like premyay moments. And the best one is jlaw. Jennifer lawrence at the oscars. Remember when she was walking up the stairs to accept her oscar and she like tripped and fell. Jimmy yeah. And america just fell in love with her. Even though its like youre a klutz. You look like an idiot. The opposite happened. People loved her ten times more. So then at all the premyays ive just been tripping up the stairs on purpose but it looks real. And then the french are like, oh, jack black, we love him more [ laughter ] [ applause ] and to be honest thank you. Jimmy they like that stuff a lot. And i was thinking i wanted to do it here, to enter with a big fall. But then i thought, maybe thats too would you be okay if we redid my entrance . Jimmy absolutely. [ cheers and applause ] i feel like i want america to fall in love with me. Jimmy sure. So you want me to just so ill just introduce you as if okay. All right. All right. Well, listen, it was so good. Why not do it again . I hope jack survives this one. Jumanji the next level opens in theaters friday. Please say hello to jack black, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] wow. Are you all right . Im okay. Thats just the first time ive ever fallen. [ laughter ] but im okay. Im just happy to be here. And i want to thank the academy. Im going to put my things over there. Anyways, thank you. Jimmy we might have our first onair death. Are you okay . Ive never gotten this much cardio at the top of a show. [ laughter ] jimmy all right. Well, this is great. Its great you have to im going to unbutton one just to let out the steam. Shhh. Jimmy by the way, speaking of entrances, i want to say i know you turned 50 a couple of months ago. I did. [ applause ] jimmy you had a big party at largo. Well, not really. I dont like to party. I dont like to have a party for myself. I always feel like weird being the center. I know its weird. Its my gig is being the center of attention. But not at my birthday party. I like to go to other peoples parties. But i wanted to do a birthday concert because i feel more comfortae when im up on stage, you know, putting on a show. Thats like the best way to celebrate my time. If its my day, i want to put on a show. So yeah, my buddy jimmy yes. Largo, which is a great place to go. Best theater in los angeles. Jimmy it is a great theater. And you took it very you actually celebrated quite literally. Do you mind if we show this . Id love it if you showed it. Jimmy tell us whats happening here on your birthday. So thats me. For my big entrance i wanted to recreate my original entranc p. And everybody comes into the world the same way. Through their mothers reproductive canal. Jimmy right. So my wife made this jimmy your wife made this . Vulva. This gigantic vulva to enter through. Its actually how i was born. My butt came first and then my doctor put it back and put my foot next and they pulled me out by the feet. Jimmy and you hopped out of your mother. Yeah. And i had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. [ applause ] jimmy wow. What a beautiful was your family there to see that . Once again it was just very important that i had the right entrance. And if it was my birthday show, and it was called the jack black experience because i didnt want people in the audience to know it was my birthday show. I thought what better way to start the jack black experience where i tell people the whole story of my life than to start at the beginning. Jimmy was your family there to see this, to witness this . Yep. Some of my family was there. My boys were there. My wife was there. They were all part of the show. Jimmy how did the boys like the entrance . The boys, i think they loved the show, but they might have been slightly traumatized. It wasnt really for kids. But [ laughter ] jimmy how old are they . They are now 11 and 13. Jimmy okay. But i think as long as theres creativity involved, i dont have a problem letting them jimmy not only that, you dont have to explain how babies are born anymore. You did it visually. Exactly. We can skip that lesson of the birds and the bees. Jimmy are they coming to the premiere with you . Oh, yeah. Theyre in the dressing room right now. With my dad, my stepmom, my sister, all in the house. Jimmy oh, wow. Where is your dad visiting from . My dad is visiting from tenasket, washington in washington state. Jimmy wow. Yeah. Its very exciting. Jimmy does he come to all your premieres . Hes not really been to any of the premieres. I think this is the first one. But this is one of those where its a big one and they dont come around that often anymore, you know, the big ones where its an event, a worldwide movie. Jimmy right. So he came down. Excited to have him here, share the its not a red carpe