Day. More than 17 million americans were expected to call in sick to work today. Which i get it. I overdid it too. I had so much to eat and drink yesterday, i started to hallucinate. I woke up on my couch, i dont know what time it was, but i woke up and i imagined i saw lil wayne dressed as a robot. Weird, right . Anyway. [ cheers and applause ] i will say this. The best part of the super bowl for me this year was knowing that matt damon spent the day sobbing into his tom brady [ laughter ] it was a good game, a fun game to watch. The Kansas City Chiefs as you know came back from a tenpoint deficit in the Fourth Quarter to beat the 49ers and win their first title in 50 years, which to put that in perspective the last time the chiefs won the super bowl the jackson 5 had their first number one hit. True. Marcus welby was the most popular show on tv. And Bernie Sanders had just had his first great greatgrandchild. [ laughter ] its exciting. Because hes old, guillermo. Guillermo i know. Jimmy running back Damien Williams is here tonight from the chiefs. [ applause ] he broht a friend with him as well. Or maybe vice versa. Damien scored two touchdowns in the Fourth Quarter. So hes a happy guy. J. Lo and shakira did the halftime show. Most everyone seemed to like that. Including former Florida Governor jeb bush, who wrote best super bowl halftime show ever. [ laughter ] period. No exclamation point. Low energy. Low energy. [ applause ] thats just jebby from the block. You know, according to usa today the most popular super bowl commercial was the jeep ad where bill murray rode around with a groundhog. And the least liked commercial, coming in at number 62 of 62, was for Donald Trumps reelection campaign. Thats true. [ cheers and applause ] not a joke. Rated last. Donald trump is less popular than scientology and a hummus. [ laughter ] trump did weigh in after the game with well wishes for the winners. He wrote congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on a great game and a fantastic comeback under immense pressure. You represented the great state of kansas and in fact the entire usa. Unfortunately for the president , the chiefs are not in kansas. Theyre in missouri. Kansas city, missouri. So trump had to delete and correct the tweet. I wonder who the lucky staffer who had to tell him that. I think thats when they send in ivanka in those situations. [ laughter ] its dumb of course because hes dumb. But sometimes i think sometimes i think trump might be doing this on purpose to find out which of his back slappers go deepest up his butt. For instance, theres a guy named matt schlapp who runs the conservative Political Action conference. He leapt to the president s defense. He wrote dear east coast establishment, kansas city, kansas is in kansas. Right. There is one. But thats not the kansas city where the chiefs play. Which is clearly what trump was referring to. And i guess thats the kind of person you grow up to be when your name is matt schlapp. [ laughter ] that guys a real matt schlapp. [ applause ] i dont know what happened. Trump must have worked out quite a sweat gorging on chicken wings last night because this was his official schedule today as released by the white house. First order of business of the day, 12 30 p. M. Tuna salad sandwich with mike pence. And then thats it. [ laughter ] who do you think dreads that lunch more, trump or pence . I think its a tossup. I really do. Trump did take time yesterday to spoon with his Pal Sean Hannity on the super bowl pregame show. These guys are very tight. But if you were expecting a line of softball questions from sean, well, yeah, thats compactly what happened. What do you love about sports . Well, its sort of a little baste microcosm of life. You know, you have winners, you have champions, you have people that you expect to see that final play. You have great coaches like belichick. You have people that you expect more out of and oftentimes they produce. Then you have people that you just dont expect are going to do it and oftentimes they dont. Its a microcosm of life. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah. Okay. Same question. This time answer in english, please, so we can understand it. This was quite an interview. You know when obama obama did his first super bowl interview on fox with bill oreilly. It was a big deal. But they talked about a lot of issues including health care. President trump used his time to roast battle his rivals. I just think of sleepy. I just watch him. Hes sleepy. Sleepy joe. I think hes a communist. I think of communism when i think of bernie. You could say socialist. But didnt he get married in moscow . Thats how pocahontas got started. Everythings a fairy tale. This woman cant tell the truth. You know, now he wants a box for the debates to stand on. Okay. Its okay. Theres nothing wrong. You can be short. Why should he get a box to stand on . Okay . He wants a box for the debates. Why should he be entitled to that . Really. Does that mean everyone else gets a box . Jimmy this box thing was directed at former mayor michael bloomberg, who trump claims, without any evidence, that i dont know. This seems to be something he made up. That bloomberg has asked to stand on a box for the next debate. Because hes short. Trump calls bloomberg mini mike. Again, because hes short. While bloomberg himself took the high road. One of his senior advisers, a guy named tim obrien, did not. Ive been asked a lot lately because trump has been coming after mike so much, you know, whats it like to be in Donald Trumps head so much. And what ive said to people is when you get inside Donald Trumps head all youre going to discover that you find there is a putter, a cheeseburger, a porn video, and somebody elses credit card. [ applause ] jimmy he forgot the bronzing butter. That would make for quite a bumper sticker. The impeachment trial is still going on. Its not over. Its like a Football Game with a 30point lead running out the clock. Today they had closing arguments which were very much like the opening arguments you but without any witnesses or evidence in between. But you have to hand it to Mitch Mcconnell for cutting out the middle man getting ride to the verdict, being innocent. As you know, republicans in the senate on friday voted to not hear from witnesses in this trial. With the exception of mitt romney of utah and Susan Collins of maine. Susan collins voted for witnesses but only after waiting to make sure her vote wouldnt matter at all. Kenneth starr today, trumps attorney, referenced dr. Martin luther king jr. When he was defending trump. So happy black history month, everybody. At least irony and democracy died together. The president took a victory lap on the links this weekend. On saturday he tweeted getting a little exercise this morning. Which for the record if the activity youre doing involves you getting driven around in a pair of dockers with a 52inch waist thats not exercise. Thats golf. [ applause ] some political analysts are saying are worried that once he is acquitted by the senate trump will be even more reckless than hes been so far, now that he knows theres no penalty for abuse of office he will be drunk with power is the concern. The president was in iowa ahead of the caucus there, where we slowed that drunken power down to half speed for tonights Village People edition of drunk donald trump. [ music slowing down ] [ voice slowed down ] the song, i just walked in and theyre playing the song. Ymca. So when youre having a hard time just think of the song. Ymca and youre jimmy its called a moronic device. The iowa caucus was the big deal of the day for democrats today. Why, i still dont know. The iowa caucus is a lot like polaroid cameras in that no one understands how they work. Iowa gets to go first because i dont know, i guess they have nothing else to look forward to. But you live in iowa, you dont actually have to be in iowa to cast your vote. This is from what they call a satellite caucus in port charlotte, florida. This is where the snowbirds from iowa go. And this just tells you caucuswise all you need to know about this process, especially when you throw a little florida in the mix. Sanders one. Steyer 2. Warren 12. Yang 1. And i dont have uncommitted yet. Is there any uncommitteds . In the hole. Okay. Were you uncommitted back there . Jimmy what about deceased . Is anyone deceased . [ laughter ] no . Okay. Good luck hacking that, putin. [ applause ] i didnt really Pay Attention to what was going on in iowa tonight. I was very busy tonight trying to figure out which of the 15 bachelorettes will win peters caucus. [ laughter ] the big drama this week was between kelsey and tammy, who tammy had a lot to say about kelsey. Kelsey is a hot mess. Shes been crying for weeks. She cried over a champagne bottle for four days. I dont think when my grandpa died i cried for that long. Jimmy well, maybe you didnt love your grandpa as much as she loved that champagne bottle. Have you thought about that . [ laughter ] it got messier from there when kelsey called tammy out for spreading rumors about her. Thats the only thing i addressed and said about you. I didnt start the popping pills thing. I heard that from someone else. From who, then . I dont know what kind of medication you take. I take adderall and birth control. Jimmy your honor, the defense rests. And of course both kelsey and tammy got roses. Another woman who got a rose tonight has an interesting way of expressing discomfort. Like a hungry gila monster mckenna the bachelorette seems to sense danger with her tongue. [ laughter ] in that [ bleep ] group date and you said i never said popping pills. You on the couch. I didnt start the popping pills thing. I heard that from someone else. Lalalalalala jimmy that was a different show. That was the super bowl. [ applause ] a lot of people, they underestimate 102 million americans watched the super bowl last night. But some did not watch the game. So this afternoon we went out on the street and asked people about things that did not happen during the super bowl. No one saw any of the events our reporters about to describe. But did that stop folks on the street from weighing in on them, of course not. In this super bowl liv edition of lie witness news. [ applause ] were getting peoples reflections of the super bowl yesterday. What did you think of the game . Oh, man. I loved it personally because im a cheese fan. Did you think it was weird they named joe montana mvp . No, i didnt think it was weird. To me thats fine. When the losing quarterback spoke to the press after, did you think it was disrespectful when he said thanks for nothing, god . Yeah. Thats a poor sportsmanship comment. What about mahomes when he said im not going to disneyland, im going to arbys . Listen, i thought that was great because everyones expecting disneyland and hes like arbys. I [ bleep ] love arbys. Did you think it was odd that j. Lo flashed a nipple as a tribute to Janet Jackson . No. I quite enjoyed that. Free the nipple. Enjoy your body. Embrace it all. How did people react to that when you were watching the game . I think the group of people i was around, they were for it. How do you feel about the American Dairy council insisting they dump hot milk over the winning teams coach instead of gatorade . I dont i dont like that. Go with the gatorade. When they came and instead of jumping in the big old tub of gatorade they dumped some milk it seemed to me in essence they were whitewashing, right . Is what it meant for me, is that they were whitewashing the nfl. What about the part where shakira gave a lap dance to Terry Bradshaw . Did you think that was inappropriate . Not at all. Did you like that part . Yeah, it was pretty good. When she gave a free lap dance to Terry Bradshaw. I didnt oh, yeah, i did see that one. What did he do . And he was kind of into her, kind of like groping her. A lot of people reacted to the go daddy ad that betty white was in. How did you feel when she appeared completely nude . A little uncomfortable. I love you, betty. But yeah. Granny vibes. But for 90. Aint nothing wrong with it. Some people love granny [ bleep ]. [ applause ] jimmy what did he say . Im very sorry for that. I really have to start coming to rehearsal. Hey, weve got a good show tonight. Tonight we have music from hot country knights, which you will like. We have the new super bowl champion Damien Williams and his friend Eric Stonestreet are here. Well be right back with will arnett. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by Little Caesars delivery. Theres a new best thing. New ideas, go. Travelsized bread. Sparkle bread. Bread pets. Dear lord. 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The nightime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, best sleep with a cold, medicine. With the glad advanced protection kitchen bag. Its glads strongest, toughest, most leak resistant bag. Be happy, its glad. ™ most leak resistant bag. Grand now we have to deal withed us this. Rs. Climate change is an emergency. Thats why i wrote the nations most progressive climate law. And thats why im endorsing tom steyer. Because when big oil tried to stop our clean air laws, he led us to victory. Same with the keystone pipeline. When tom says we can save the world and do it together believe him. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. Jimmy hi there. Welcome back to the show. Tonight, hes a super bowl champion from the Kansas City Chiefs. Running back Damien Williams is with us. He scored two touchdowns last night and made a friend named eric who will be here with him too. Then they are currently on tour with Dierks Bentley. Their song is called asphalt. A very special performance. Really take that album cover in for a moment if you would. From a very special band, hot country knights from the mercedesbenz stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night after the state of the Union Address former senator al franken will be here. Pee wee herman himself paul reubens will be here, well have music from big thief and later this week nick kroll, billy crystal, tika sumpter, the tenderloins, plus music from Kelsea Ballerini and russ. So please join us for all that. You know our first guest tonight as bojack, batman, bluth, and a bevy of big names that dont start with the letter b. Next he joins the welltanned whitetoothed league of game show hosts on lego masters. It premieres wednesday night on fox. Please welcome will arnett. [ cheers and applause ] look at that. Wow, you know, i always thought these were made of metal, but these are really cheap what are you doing . Nothing. Why are you so paranoid . Jimmy why are you so clean all of a sudden . Its good to see lets not touch again. Good to see you. Jimmy this trophy looks like its made out of lego its made out of lego [ applause ] jimmy tell me about your super bowl viewing experience yesterday in your prefabricated home. You know, you never miss an opportunity. I built a home in a day. Jimmy dont even bother. This really there are two things that get jimmy. You ready . One is that i live in a prefabricated home that was built in a day. Knows it took three years. The other is i was going to start a vape company. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and tell them tell them what your angle was, though. The angle was it was going to be not nicotine because thats bad for kids. Jimmy what was the it was going to be like vitamin c, vitamin b. Right . Flavor. You have it. Jimmy so in the morning before the kids went to school dont forget to vape your vitamin c. [ applause ] vape your vitamin c. And it seemed like a good idea until it turned out the vapes were killing everybody. [ laughter ] but jimmy jimmy im sorry. Weve gone into an inside joke hole here. And that inside joke being your actual life. But will [ laughter ] true that. Jimmy tell me about bojack horseman. Sure. Jimmy the last six episodes im going to start sitting like trump. You know why he does that. So the tie doesnt rest on his stomach, so it goes straight down. Jimmy oh. Thats why. Jimmy is that why the ties so long . So the tie goes long, which is why he has to tape it, because hes already missed the rung to tuck it in. The narrow end is too short because hes made it long so it doesnt go because if hes back like this its going to go like thi