Major events are being canceled, postponed. The tax deadline may even be postponed. Theyre thinking about pushing tax day past april 15th. Jeff bezos heard that and said, wow, whats tax day . The ncaa announced that march madness will go on but with no fans. There will be no spectators, outside of the players families. They should also consider playing without a ball. Thats just a petri the warriors will be playing without a crowd. But basketball games in the pros have been played without fans before. The clippers did it for many years. [ applause ] and in part, in part because of all these cancellations, a lot of people dont seem to know what to think about the coronavirus, what to feel. Should i be scared . Are people overreacting . Whats true, whats not true . Its totally normal to feel that way. Many have the same thoughts. So i thought this might help. These are the five stages of coronavirus, so first you have denial. Im not going to get the coronavirus. Only old people, Chinese People and people on cruise ships get that. Second, anger. Why isnt there any toilet paper at target . Is everybody nuts . Then bargaining. Theres no purel, maybe ill make my own sanitizer with jergens and vodka. Next comes depression. I cant believe they canceled coachella, im not going to get to see Carly Ray Jepsen for a year now. And hey, if i know what, if i die, maybe ill get to meet prince. Youre not alone, okay . The fear is spreading not just here in the united states. People are losing their minds all over the world. The nation of italy has closed all shops except for groceries and pharmacies, which seems to be what they do every time i go on vacation anyway. Everythings closed. And in the land downunder, look at this video. This is Security Camera showing the toilet paper aisle at a Grocery Store in australia. Which i really, i dont understand the hoarding toilet paper. But imagine getting trampled to death buying charmin. The president has been spreading mixed messages. Federal officials would like President Trump to stop shaking hands in public. President trump says he doesnt care, hes going to continue to move on those happenends like a bitch. The man eats pancakes for breakfast and lives in a tanning bed, do you think hes going to start listening to doctors . Even because of his tiny, tiny hands, even a travel size bottle of purel is like a lifetime supply. And by the way, he is at risk. He meets the definition of being at risk. He shook hands with doug collins who is now in quarantine. They even gave a little kiss. And while trump has refused to stop shaking hands for now at least, his staff appears to have found a creative solution to keep his nubby little digits in check. A lot of them are things you want to get for other things, and were looking at the people, were looking at solving this problem. Also some very good numbers coming out of some countries where it started earlier, and were see beiing fairly good nus coming out of those countries, thats a good thing. Jimmy hes bringing cookies out of the oven. Even the commander of the Coronavirus Task force Space Force Vice president mike pence is on the same page handshake wise with President Trump. As the president has said, in our line of work, you shake hands when someone wants to shake your hand. I expect the president will continue to do that. Ill continue to do it. Jimmy thats interesting, because while he claims hell continue to do that, you can see, mike pence hasnt been shaking hands. Whenever hes not with the president , hes out there bumping elbows with everybody he runs into. Hes bumping elbows with his el bros all the time. Makes you wonder what else hes doing that the president doesnt know about. The move pence was doing is something ive branded the el bump. Its a hand shake alternative, and its kicking off with people at first take. Jimmy kimmels looking out for us. Its called the el bump. We can just do, whats going on, everybody, welcome on in to first take. What is it . It is corny, and i love me some jimmy kimmel. But that is corny, and more importantly, the elbow puts you closer to the person where the fist bump makes you keep your distance. Think, jimmy, distance, distance. Sorry, jimmy, i tried. Can we just bow like the japanese . Jimmy yes, you could bow like the japanese or do the elbow, like i want people to do. And steven, i will pray for you, that you do not get this coronavirus, just keep distance. Can you do it like this. Jaylin rose and david jacoby. Elbow. Jimmy thats how you do it and thats why these two will live forever. [ applause ] these are troubled times. Things are very el bumpy between President Trump and nancy pelosi. Trump refuses to meet with pelosi about the coronavirus or anything, which is, i think its just going to make the eventual makeup sex hotter, but meanwhile, former democratic candidate and spiritual leader or something, i dont know what she is. Maryann williamson is back doing her part to fight the coronavirus. Its important to remember this person was running for president. Now, what i want to do now is a meditation with you. Because whats happening is that the panic that were all being thrown into, the fear that were being thrown into actually decreases the functioning of our immune system. Watch and feel as this light now enters no yo enters into your brain, your stomach, your cervix, your penis, your vagina, your buttocks. Go wash your hands. Jimmy right, yes. She has a penis and a vagina . My cervix feels better already. Thank you, maryann. The government is cracking down right now on those selling bogus remedies for the virus. Those include disgraced tv sellev sellevangelist baker. Youre saying that silver solution would be effective. Lets say it hasnt been tested on this strain of the coronavirus, but its been tested on other strains of the coronavirus and has been able to eliminate it within 12 hours. Yeah. Totally eliminate it. Kills it, deactivates it. Jimmy i dont know about you, im convinced, it deactivates it and gives you super powers, too. If you dont know who jim baker is, he was a televangelist and went to prison. And that silver stuff isnt even the weirdest product hes selling. That would be this. It is a bucket of freeze dried mexican food for the apocalypse called the fiesta pail. Fiesta and pail, two words that go together like chewing gum and soup. The food and the pail is said toto be the realo dealo. It passes the official mexican test. This is mexican food that reallive mexicans approve of, you know, this is not gringo food. This is good, good food. Jimmy guillermo, is that food that reallive mexicans approve of . Guillermo no, thats terrible. Jimmy hes not telling the truth . Guillermo no. Jimmy yesterday in russia they passed a bill that will allow Vladimir Putin to remain in power until 2036, 12 years longer than he was supposed to be ruling can somebody please hide all the newspapers in the white house from donald trump . Because if he sees this, were in for a long run. Putin squeaked by with a narrow 150 of the vote. It went 383 yes, zero nos, fior real. That will allow him to be in office until hes 83, thats almost old enough to run the united states. It was a good night for joe biden. He won in michigan and three other states. Owes g hes got a big edge on Bernie Sanders. You remember when that guy nik wallenda walked across an active volcano . Thats what its going to feel like watching joe biden open his mouth every day between now and november. Many are crediting [ applause ] many are giving credit to bidens victory to his new Campaign Strategy of grabbing voters by the arm and saying, look here, jack, youre a jerk who can go to hell. Biden did well with voters over 45, and Bernie Sanders did better with voters under 45. If youve had a colonoscopy, bidens your guy. Tulsi fwab ard Tulsi Gabbard is running in the way cats was running for an academy award. Im joe biden, and i have met brau barack obama. I have stood next to him. I have sat behind him, i have touched him. I have even smelled his neck. As we like to say to each other a lot, when we are together, which is often, yes, weve met. I am barack obama, and i am in aruba, floating on a tube. Jimmy thats still better than no malarkey, right . We have a great show tonight. Music from grace vanderwaal. Eiza gonzalez is here. And well be right back with david spade. So stick around. [cheers and applause] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by mazda. Fishrisotto. Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings gelato. Curry. Cacciatori. Chimichurri. Frie flurry. mcdonalds cheese cake. Cheesecake Factory grilled steak. Clam bake. Milkshake. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Start maxximizing today in store and online. Yeah, that needs mmm. Thats better. Hvr seasoning. You either love it or you really love it. Alright, i got everyones ftuna for jj. Turkey for tj. Turkey for jj. Tuna for tj. Jj turkey, tj tuna. Tj tuna, turkey jj. Yeah, mom. This is why we named your brother derek. Italian bmt, my favorite. Nobody asked, derek. Get a free footlong yup, free. When you buy one on the subway app, for a limited time. Order now. Wild thing, you make my heart sing. You make everything. Groovy. Done yet . Yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry. You sure . Hmm. Mmm. Come on, come on, wild thing. If you ride, you get it. Geico motorcycle. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Jimmy hi, welcome back. Tonight, from the new movie bloodshot with vin diesel, Eiza Gonzalez is here. Then later with a song from her film stargirl on disney plus, grace vanderwaal from the mercedesbenz stage. [cheers and applause] tomorrow night i will be out hosting the show who wants to be a millionaire, which will air here on abc next month and in my stead, mayor Pete Buttigieg will be filling in as host. His guests will be sir patrick stewart, tony hale and music from jhene iko and miguel. So please join mayor pete for that tomorrow night as he hosts the show. Our first guest is a very funny man with a very funny show that is on every night against ours, which is rude. Lights out with david spade is on weeknights on comedy central. Please say hello to david spade. [cheers and applause] hey yeah, man. Jimmy how are you doing . Hello, james. Jimmy you feeling okay today . Now that the bachelors over your life has no meaning anymore, does it . What to look forward to. I did watch it last night. Jimmy of course you watched it last night. I sometimes hit him up about it. I know you know all the tricks. Jimmy i like to watch your Instagram Stories and you take pictures of the tv screen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a loser, but i do. I got into it last night. First of all, last night was the big ending. Most people sort of know what happened. Its like this big. Its all girls, it looks like rush week at delta gamma. They have one guy in the room. And then they have, they do the flashback. Is what happened is hannah ann, the final two, hannah ann. He takes them to australia, of course the farthest place. And they get there, and then im always surprised at like hannah b doesnt pop out of a kangaroo pouch. Hey, yall, remember me . But the other ones a virgin, madison. Jimmy uhhuh. Thats right. So some appeal. I get whats going on, but she dumped him twice. Jimmy she did. And hannah anns only crime is she was nice and normal and no drama, and of course he was like, aye, the other way. So he proposes to her, and then a month later, hes like, can i have that ring back . Its so, its so weird. And then he, he tries to get the other one back, but theyre on the show, live, and its just cringe time, because the mom is like this, barb, you see barb . Really daggers. Jimmy oh, yeah, she was not happy at all. And they had a little barb cam in the corner. When theyd show shed be like, and she didnt get her. And hes like, mom, its going to be madison now, and shes like, what . And hes like, quit yelling, mom, thats my girlfriend. Shes yelling at her. Shes like, i dont like this one. Jimmy david is not exaggerating one tiny bit. She was just all over, and you know poor madison, and shows shoes so wiped out from flying and those heavy eyelashes. I didnt know if those were carryon. I dont know if theyre legal. Jimmy i had a long talk with somebody about those last night about whether they were real or not. Beautiful girl, but they had to give them both extensions. Theyre both pretty already. But they really l. A. Ed them up. Youre pretty, but not enough. So they get out there, and its like l. A. Of course, from like normal places. But the mom, i dont know what happens, so shes like yelling going you know he puts mentos in cokes, trying to kill the whole thing, the virgin was like, oh. Jimmy got involved even. It was bad. But it was fun just to watch the whole shenanigans. Jimmy you enjoyed it. Which do you like better, bachelor or bachelorette . I dont know. Its all about the same. I just make fun of whatevers in front of me. Jimmy whatevers in front of you. I like it all. Jimmy do you schedule your life around the show . Do you go out on a monday or tuesday . I do sort of work in the day. They get a little nuts with, its a monday through friday edition. Im like, [ bleep ], man. Three hours each night, and theyre really milking it. Its like a tenminute show but its really stretched out. Give something to kitty, meow jimmy they can tighten it up a little bit. Theres some easy trims. How long are you supposed to touch your face . Ten minutes a day . So they, oh, yeah. So i went to dinner. Jimmy you talk, ill touch your face. I for sure have it now. So i, i went to dinner. Jimmy sorry. [ applause ] i ruined the story. Where did you go to dinner . And when was this . Im more concerned about the bachelor than the coronavirus. I went to dinner, and sometimes i get dissed. Well, obviously, in the earlier days, like right when i moved to l. A. , i got l. A. Ed because the maitre d was all snooty, he goes right this way, ladies, and i go. [ laughter ] and i was like, and then she was like, you know, are you a girl . And i go, no. So im walking in, hey, joe dirt, yeah, im a guy. So we start walking. I cant wait until this guy sees its me, hes going to freak out. Then he sees some stairs and looks right at me and says watch your step, gals. I am a sir i like to order first. Thiss kind of rude, and im hungry. And sometimes when i get there, i cant drink until i eat. I like to have a few knocks, especially before the bachelor. And i go hey, man, can i order steak now . Is that okay if i just get things going . He does it, then 15 minutes later im looking for it. He comes back, hey, can i take your order . Hey, bub, any eyes on that steak . Can we get a 20 on it . Oh, you want it now . Yeah, why did i order it when i walked in, hey, give me a steak. And he goes hey, two seconds. And now this thing when they avoid you . They walk by your table, like la, la, la. Table 41, [ bleep ]. He keeps doing this, and hes being weird, you know. And then a few minutes later, hes like, remember me . Now were friends again. Jimmy yeah, well, good. So it all worked out. I get crabby. Jimmy i dont know if this is something youd be willing to share, but i, would you tell, i want to take a break. When we come back, will you tell the story, there was a major, triple major celebrity, with whom you had longtime bad blood. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy you know what im talking about . Oh, yes, i do. Jimmy david spade is here. Well be right back with this. [cheers and applause] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live is brought to you by paneras new unlimited coffee subscription. Panera, your cup is always full. ] unlimited coffee for 8. 99 a month. Panera, your cup is always full. Written for the bold thand the daredevils. Ny what happens here. Only happens here. Iim not just here to be theach fotoken female,ncisco 49ers. Im here to help us win. The surface pro helps me get whats in my head and get it out on to the field. Peshould become at scelebrity accountant. And, i tell them, nobody should. But, i just dont think you need a separate private plane. But i, but i want it hey, buddy. Whats the damage . I bought it the waterfall . Nope a new volkswagen. A volkswagen . i think were having a breakthrough here. Welcome to caesars palace. Thank you. If youre 55 and up, tmobile has a plan designed just for you. And, for a limited time only, were making it an even better deal. Now you can get two lines for only 55. That includes unlimited talk, text and data. With no annual service contracts. It also includes talk, text and data when traveling in mexico and canada. So if youre 55 and up, you can now get two lines for only 55. Because at tmobile, we have a plan designed just for you. Jimmy we are back with the great david spade. He has a Television Show of his very own, called lights out with david spade. You dont have a guillermo on your show. You cant just find those. God sends them to you when youve been good. Yeah, dime a dozen. [cheers and applause] jimmy how long have you been doing the show now . Oh, i dont even know. Well, weve, we just did 100 episodes, since july i guess. Jimmy so not quite a year. Oh, thank you, 100 episodes. [cheers and applause] you, have you done a hundred yet . Jimmy yeah, a few more than that. Yeah, i knew youd get there. Jimmy is it what you imagine td wou d it would be, this life . I thought id breeze in and do a couple jokes like i do here, but its a little more planning and strategizing, its more get up at 7 00 go in, and its all day. I dont know how. You see this show, and you think [ bleep ], whats this guy do. Jimmy meetings. So many things going on. Jimmy you have to put on makeup, the whole thing, its a mess. And the new thing, no crowds. Jimmy you guys are not going to have an audience starting on monday. And i dont know what to do about that. Because this is a great crowd. We have great crowds. [cheers and applause] jimmy its real. They are a good crowd. But i have no idea how that will work, know what i mean . Ive done standup for ten people and stuff on a good night. Jimmy have you done standup for no people . I have not done it for no, i dont know what ill do, it will be my manager with his two dogs going, and the dog going rrrr. I dont know. Jimmy well have to figure it out. Ive been trying to figure out what were going to do. You know, youre like, oh, maybe we you havent have people in a room together. Then but it to target, and theres 8,000 people in there. He said wheel of fortune didnt, listen, those guys are waiting three hours in line to watch a game show, theyre sort of dead on the inside already . Theyre watching roulette jimmy lets get to t