With a bunch of other people wearing masks, you can just go to any trader joes. Cancelling comic con is a shame. People look forward to it all year, but it was definitely the right call. The only thing that would be worse than getting the coronavirus would be getting it because a guy dressed like loki sneezed on your nachos. A city worker in tampa made a surprising discovery over the weekend. Like most places, the public parks there are shut down. But a warden discovered a guy working out at a park downtown, and that guy turned out to be tom brady, the new quarterback for the buccaneers. And, this is the best part, she kicked him out. And look, i know that we need to be safe, and high profile people have a responsibility to encourage responsible behavior, but i still feel like this is one of the few times it would have been appropriate to say, do you know who i am . Im tom fing brady god sent me to win you guys a super bowl. You should be staying in your house to keep me safe anyway, tom brady is at the park working out. And his friend gronk is coming with him. Why, i do not know. Is football even coming back . I have a sneaking suspicion tom doesnt realize hes living in florida because he retired last month. A lot of people are working hard during this time, and one group who i feel is not getting enough praise are the people who work at grocery stores. They are putting their health at risk so we can hoard oreos. But the employees at kroger in a number of cities did get an incredibly generous perk for their gallantry. A flier was circulated that said as part of their associate appreciation program, to support the hard work of the kroger associates, they are offering all pepsi 20 ounce soft drink products for only one dollar each. Limit two per transaction. Dr. Pepper not included. Well, of course, dr. Pepper is not included. He is on the front lines fighting the virus so there you go. More beauty in the face of adversity. Thank you for all you mountain dew. Meanwhile, there are reports that north Korean Leader kim jong un is in bad shape healthwise. He is reported to be in grave danger after complications following a heart procedure. But because everything with him is very secretive, no one knows for sure. One of the reasons they suspect kim jong un is not well is because last week, he missed the most important holiday in north korea, a Birthday Celebration for his late grandfather. And thats especially alarming, because he is not one to miss the chance to eat cake. A south korean news site reported that kim had heart surgery due to complications from excessive smoking, obesity and overwork. See, thats why our president doesnt smoke and never works. Hes smart. Maybe kim jong un just got tired of the whole evil dictator thing, and decided to start a new life. Hes gonna turn up 30 years from now running a bed and breakfast in vermont. And, of course, this has to be especially scary for president trump. Kim jong un is probably his best friend. You know, they met many years ago at chubby dictator camp. Trump was up bright and early this morning to remind us that there is an i in pandemic. And hes it. He tweeted ive had great ratings my whole life, theres nothing unusual about that for me. The white house News Conference ratings are through the roof, monday night football, bachelor, but i dont care about that. I care about going around the fake news to the people right. Only donald trump would say he doesnt care about ratings, while bragging about his ratings. But it wasnt all lashing out. In fairness, trump did try to lift spirits yesterday. He actually told a pretty funny joke. Please, go ahead. No, i think right behind you. I promise, i cannot tell a lie, so well get to you next, okay . Jimmy thats a good one. And guess what . He didnt get her next. He went to someone else. And then, moments later, he lied again. Held rallies in february and march, and there are some i dont know about rallies, i really dont know about rallies. I havent left the white house in months, except for a brief moment to give a wonderful ship the comfort. You held a rally in march. Did i hold a rally . Jimmy did i hold a rally in an enclosed space, even though i now claim to have known it was dangerous . Yes do i have an Advent Calendar counting down the days until i can hold my next one . You bet your dirty mask i do he held rallies in february and march, and he left the white house four times in march, including a trip to mar a lago. Mar a lago, by the way, laid off 153 workers today. In addition to the 560 laid off at trumps miami resort. Maybe this is why he is so anxious to open for business again. He is getting hurt. This gives you a sense of how things are going at the white house. The president s own Coronavirus Task force, members of his own team, are reported to be actively ignoring him. They say the vice poodle, mike pence, wont even sniff his butt. Which, i dont know, that doesnt make any sense to me. Why would they ignore a president who has so many great ideas . Remember when he wanted to nuke the hurricane . You probably think im joking, but go ahead and google that. I have a lot of questions about the president s task force and the mixed messages weve been getting about staying home, so we reached out to the white house and believe it or not, they connected us with the chief medical advisor to the White House Coronavirus response team, i am honored to welcome dr. Anthony fauci. Hello doctor, dr. Fauci . Dr. Fauci . Hello, hello . Can you hear me on this . Hello . Jimmy yes, we can hear you, but i thought i was speaking to dr. Fauci. Dr. Fauci isnt with us any longer. Jimmy what . Why . The president respects disagreement. And he respects dr. Fauci so much that hes been sent to a big farm upstate where he can run around a field all day with other doctors. Im the new leader of the task force. Jimmy and you are . Dr. Solomon zaius. Jimmy as in dr. Zaius, the diabolical minister of science from planet of the apes . Ive done other movies too. Jimmy ok, well dr. Zaius wait, what other movies have you done . I was in jumanji. Maybe youve heard of it. Jimmy okay. Anyway dr. Zaius, if you dont mind me asking, how did you get this job . Family connection. The president s mother. Mary was my nanas sister. Jimmy so your mother was his mothers sister. But you are an orangutan . Yes. Jimmy wait, so that means donald trump is half. Hes only half orangutan. Of course he is. No human could have fantastic orange hair like that. Jimmy that explains a lot. So, doctor, since you are now the guy, what are your suggestions for stopping this covid19 . First of all, for humans, this is very important. You must wear a mask. Jimmy you find masks are most effective against spreading the virus . No, but they are very effective in covering up your ugly faces. You teed me up for that one jim but seriously, your face is disgusting. Jimmy thank you. Joking aside, i think what we really want to know is, how long before we can leave our homes . Why . So you can once again befoul the environment with your fossil fuels . Destroy the forests with your insatiable greed . Contaminate the oceans with heaps of plastic detritus and make war over imbecilic differences of religion and race . Jimmy yes. Id say three to six months. Jimmy oh, great. Anything else you would like to share . Yes, this is important. No more masturbating in public jimmy we dont really thats more of an ape thing. Thats not really something humans do. You dont . Jimmy no. Well, youre missing out. Jimmy all right, well thats the new head of something. I dont know. When we come back well be joined by tom holland. Wash your hands, you damn dirty human vo thank you to all the front line heroes for leading this fight. For early mornings, late nights, double shifts, and overnights, for calloused hands and skin scrubbed raw. And for being brave enough to go to work today. Thank you, from all of us cheering you on. [overlapping applause and cheers] this is gonna be americas favorite breakfast. They just dont know it yet. ding these are a few of my favorite things. You order a breakfast sandwich and thats when wendys makes it. Not weeks. Or months ago. Try your new favorite. Order by 10 and well even deliver it. Try your new favorite. Yeah, that needs mmm. Thats better. Hvr seasoning. You either love it or you really love it. The last thing you should have is having enough toilet paper. Please know were working around the clock to get you more charmin. Stay safe. Michael vasquez come over here. Ive heard such good things about you, your company. Well, i wouldnt have done any of it without you. Without this place. This is for you. Michael, you didnt have to. And, were going to need some help with the rest. Youve worked so hard to achieve so much. Perhaps its time to partner with someone who knows you and your business well enough to understand what your wealth is really for. Eveso we can stillg a answer your calls. Now. And we are monitoring our system 24 7 to ensure that we have a fast reliable network, keep the customers connected, and making sure people are staying safe. And were still on the road. Solving Critical Issues as they arise. Go to xfinity. Com prepare. Thank you. Jimmy youre very big. Youre gettin big jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. A quick note, tomorrow night in primetime, i am hosting a new episode of who wants to be a millionaire featuring Anthony Anderson and jane fonda playing for their favorite charities. Watch that at 10 9 central here on abc. On this show tomorrow, i will be chatting with the mighty Thor Chris Hemsworth all the way from the land down under. And on thursday, my guests will be Arnold Schwarzenegger and ed norton. The terminator and the hulk. Our guest tonight is a supertalented super hero, who by day helps run his Family Charitable foundation, the brothers trust. He is social distancing all the way from a place called england. Please say hello to tom holland. Hi, tom. Hey, how you doin, jimmy. Nice to see you, mate. Jimmy thanks for doing this. Tell us about your living situation right now. I am in london, im living with all my pals. Normally when we do your show we do a Live Audience. We couldnt obviously have a Live Audience now online. I actually have my own Live Audience. [ laughter ] so the laugh track will be provided by harrison. Jimmy theyve been with you how long . Harrison and i have lived together maybe four years. Jimmy i mean as far as oh, the quarantine. Weve been on lockdown in london for about a month, yeah. Jimmy how are you getting along . Are there any issues that need to be worked out . Not really, because were all drunk all the time, so, not really. No. Jimmy that helps. Were lucky enough. We cant really complain. We have a lovely outdoor space. And the weather in londons been really nice. Were all good. We cant complain. Jimmy are you getting things done at all . Is it productive . I mean, its been a little bit productive. Harry and i have been working on the script weve been working on together, we sent that out yesterday to the first bunch of producers, which is actually more nervewracking than anything ive ever done in my career, because im worried that theyre going to actually find out that im stupid and i cant spell anything. But weve been doing that, playing a lot of playstation and watching a lot of films and catching up on film history, and like i said, drinking a lot. I actually said this weekend i was going to stop drinking for a week, i was going to have a week off. And literally monday morning, ive got my prop. Ryan reynolds sent me a case of gin. Jimmy oh, really . I was like im not drinking the whole week, and the door bell rang and there was a case. Jimmy thats deadpool trying to corrupt spiderman. It says here on the box. It says friendly neighborhood spider gin. Love ryan. Jimmy if im wrong, correct me, but i believe you were supposed to start shooting spiderman in july. Is that still the plan . Im not too sure. Im not too sure. I was in berlin making a film called uncharted with mark wahlberg. And we were all ready to go. We got set for day one shooting. We got shut down and sent home. Whether we shoot that movie first or spiderman first, im unclear. But i dont know. But both movies are being made and theyre both really strong and whatever happens, happens. Ive played spiderman, im ready to go. Jimmy im speaking with thor tomorrow, and i was wondering if youve been video chatting with your fellow avengers. I spoke to Jake Gyllenhaal the other day. We were chatting about doing a peloton class together. But weve also been doing these pub quizzes, these massive pub quizzes. Weve done one with a cherry crew. And the rooster brothers have been involved. The winner has to design the quiz for the following week. I by some miracle won last week and had to do it this week. But the problem with the quiz is you need to know the answers to the questions youre asking people. Jimmy right. And if you dont that doesnt really work. I got the answers wrong that i thought were right. So i was asking people questions and the answer is soandso, and people were like, no. One of them was who was the second president. And im a really big fan of hamilton, but not that big of a fan obviously. I thought Thomas Jefferson was the second president , and that wasnt true at all. So i looked like a complete idiot. I face timed downey a couple days ago, and he was in the bath. Jimmy how romantic. You were going to do this quiz as part of your Charitable Foundation your family has put together. Thats your goal is to make it a big online quiz to raise money . Brothers trust is a fund raiser we use to feed towards charities we think need the light and support. But we felt uncomfortable asking people for money at this time. So we as a collective are doing the donations. The reason were doing the pub quiz is to bring people together and have a laugh, thats essentially what were trying to do. Jimmy you can go to brotherstrust. Org to learn more about that. Speaking of uncomfortable, i have a favor to ask of you. My son billy turns 3 years old today. Okay. Jimmy we watch both of your spiderman movies over and over again. And we promised him the real spiderman was going to come to his party. We were going to hire a guy in a suit. But now nobodys coming to his party. I was wondering if youd say hello to him. I cant guarantee its going to register. Would you mind . Absolutely. No trouble at all of put him on. Jimmy well take a break and tom holland is with us. Well surprise my son billy, too. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by bose head phone 700, the most advanced noisecanceling headphones. Ees, and communities. During these Uncertain Times we want you to get the Great Service you expect without leaving the safety of your home. Sprint. Com makes shopping easier by offering free next day shipping and no activation fees on our best new phone deals, like the amazing iphone 11 for just 15 a month when you switch. For now sprint. Com is the best way to learn about our plans, buy new phones and get the services you need. Stay healthy and go to sprint. Com today. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com petsmart has everything your pet needs delivered directly to your door. Or save 10 when you buy online and pick up in store. Now with curbside pickup. Shop petsmart. Com or download our mobile app today. I do motivational speakingld. In addition to the substitute teaching. I honestly feel that thats my calling to give back to younger people. I think most adults will start realizing that they dont recall things as quickly as they used to or they dont remember things as vividly as they once did. Ive been taking prevagen for about three years now. People say to me periodically, man, youve got a memory like an elephant. Its really, really helped me tremendously. Prevagen. Healthier brain. Better life. And healthcare troops weand First Responders are. On the front line fighting it every day. Lets join the fight, by staying home. Staying home is not a retreat, its the most brave and aggressive weapon we have against this enemy. Because when we do stay at home, we help prevent overwhelming our hospitals, while buying time for scientists to find the vaccine. And thats how we beat it. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. These are my kids, jane and billy. Billy, is this your birthday . Spidey. Jimmy this is spiderman, how old are you, spidey . 20. Jimmy youre not 20. Who did we say was going to come to your Birthday Party . Spidey. Jimmy the real spiderman . Yeah. I want you to say hi to somebody. Hi. Jimmy does that guy look familiar to you . Hey, whats up, billy . Jimmy is that spidey . Let me take this off so i can see you better. Hey, billy, how you doin . Jimmy wow, can you believe me . My names peter parker, i live in queens, new york. Where do you live, you know . We live in california. Jimmy jane, what did you say about Peter Parkers face . Cute. Jimmy she said you have a cute face. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Thats very kind of you. Jimmy are you mad at me for saying that . But he likes it. Its nice. We were about to sing happy birthday to billy. Are you going to help us with that . Mmhm. Jimmy shall we do that . Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday, dear billy happy birthday to you jimmy thank you, spiderman youre the best. I appreciate it. [ applause ] happy birthday, billy. Jimmy say thanks to spiderman. Thanks, spiderman youre welcome, see you next time guys, bye, bye, bye. Jimmy well be right back. Chicago ok, so, magnificent mile for me i thought i was managing. My moderate to severe Crohns Disease. Yes until i realized something was missing. Me. You ok, sis . My symptoms kept me from being there for my sisters. Flight boarding for flight 2007 to chicago. So i talked to my doctor and learned. Humira is for people who still have symptoms of Crohns Disease after trying other medications. And the majority of people on humira saw significant symptom relief. And many achieved remission in as little as 4 weeks. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allerg