And you go out in front and you have a weird, muffled conversation next to your mailbox for eight minutes. That has to stop. And while were at it, family zoom calls . Lets max those out at 12 minutes. 12 minutes. Theres nothing going on you cant cover in 12 minutes. At that point you say, okay, zip it, grandma, weve heard enough here in Los Angeles County officials have announced that they are hoping to open things up by the 4th of july. The way itll work is everyone will rush to the beach on the 4th of july sweat all over each other and then, we will die. Which will be good for traffic on the 405. As of yesterday, pet groomers and trainers were allowed to open back up. Which seems weird given that they say pets can spread the virus to people and people can spread it to pets. Maybe we should start training our pets to groom us. One thing we might not have in l. A. Is the oscars. Word around town is that the academy awards, which are scheduled for february will not happen in february. Why they would cancel a show that is nine months away, i dont know. Seems to me like a pretty blatant attempt to keep sonic the hedgehog from winning best picture. I guess this is just the next logical step. The last two years they had no host now they have no show. Meanwhile on the other side of the reaction coin in galveston, texas. They went right ahead with their annual go topless jeep weekend. That event led to nearly 200 arrests and some delightful interviews, too. Thousands have flocked here to the peninsula to make the most of their time while out. Quarantine, i need to get out and party woo go topless jeep weekend. Whats better than a few drinks, beach and drinks. In full swing on bolivar peninsula. Beach goers like Chelsea Collier are still taking precautions to stay safe. Wash them hands for 20 seconds jimmy you know the slogan dont mess with texas . Shes the mess. Maybe this will make you think twice about hitting the beach. You know how theyve been telling us to stay six feet apart . Well, that might not be enough apart. According to a new study when its windy, our saliva, can travel 18 feet in five seconds. Which seems slow, but its far. Its weird too think that over the past two months, my spit has traveled farther than i have. So when that runner goes by you from across the street . Get down on the ground. Have you been watching the hydroxy Horror Picture Show . The president this week claimed he has been taking hydroxychloroquine to stave off the coronavirus. And of course his disciples are doing it, too trumpers who are wary of big pharma have started to make their own hydroxychloroquine at home. For real. And i have to say i like this idea. Thats good oldfashioned American Initiative boil up some homemade hydroxy what could possibly go wrong heres the thing. If youre dumb enough to think its a good idea to make your own hydroxychloroquine at home, youre probably not smart enough to make your own hydroxychloroquine at home. Most people cant even make a lemon meringue pie. Last night i suggested that the president might be trying to kill himself and that we should keep an eye on him. And apparently that message resonated because i got a scolding today from White House Press secretary number four kayla macalooney. So no one should be taking this without a prescription from their doctor. But with that being said, ive seen a lot of apoplectic coverage. Jimmy kimmel said the president s quote trying to kill himself. Joe scarborough saying this will kill you. Neil cavuto saying what have you got to lose . The one thing you have to lose are lies. Jimmy shes definitely getting her hair colored. I dont see any dark. Anyway, thank you for watching, kayleigh. As you know most schools have had to hold their graduation ceremonies online this month. The governor of mississippi, tate reeves, gave an online commencement for his alma mater and i want you to take special attention to him reading the graduates names. A special shout out to the 2020 class of florence high school. Congratulations, im proud of you. To all the florence eagles, lets keep rolling. Harry javaughn canning, blake christian, harry azcrack. Jimmy harry graduated at the bottom of his class. But the azcrack family is still very proud. Online school is still a major nuisance for parents and students around the country. One of our writers who happens to be the heiress to a candy fortune her name is joelle has a sixyearold nephew named joshua who got this assignment from his teacher. They told him to build a Little Bridge using coins. He was supposed to build it take a picture, and email it to the teacher. But he didnt take a picture nor did he build a bridge. Instead, this is the what his teacher got a note that said, youre not supposed to touch coins in my house because of the coronavirus. What a clever way to get out of doing homework but not everyone can do this. And for those who have to turn your assignments in. Our own guillermo is tutoring now free of charge. So sharpen your pencils while he sharpens your mind, its time for homework corner with guillermo. Guillermo welcome to homework corner with guillermo. Today question is what is one of the different between a mummal and a reptile. Mummal, okay, and a reptile. Okay. So reptiles are like snakes and mammals are animals that, that um, that are not reptiles. And thats my answer. Jimmy when youre right, youre right. Hey, were going to take a break. When we come back, Patton Oswalt will join us. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by medicare. This is also hals heart. And his relief, knowing hes covered by blue cross blue shield. 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Because despite everything thats changed, one thing hasnt and thats our devotion to you and our communities. Our priority will always be to keep you and our associates safe, while making sure you can still get the essentials you need. [orange] hey, whats up guys . [ginger] oh my god [captain] orange, why are you naked . [orange] oh god, is my camera on . [captain] ill never unsee this. [orange] okay hold on. Hows that . [miscellaneous reactions of disgust] [orange] floridas finest baby. Yes. Neutrogena® ultra sheer. Superior protection helps prevent early skin aging and skin cancer with a clean feel. Its the one. The best for your skin. Ultra sheer. Neutrogena®. Its the one. The best for your skin. Cheddar, jalapeno and sour cream onion the spicy nacho stack. I wish i could stack pringles but i dont have hands or a mouth to. Cool, play my dance playlist. Theres a flavor stack for everyone. Sort of. When we closed our wynn committed instantly to keeping all 15,000 team members onboard. We then focused our fivestar level of service to all who needed it. We made improvements to peoples lives. We strove to be better and we made people happy. This closure may have temporarily taken us out of wynn and encore, but it couldnt take the wynn and encore out of us. And now, we are proud to welcome you back. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Tomorrow night kevin hart will be with us and were going to honor our healthcare hero of the week. Our guest tonight is a very funny man not only is he in his house, hes in your house, too. His new standup comedy special i love everything is on netflix now. Please welcome Patton Oswalt. Hello, patton. Hi, everybody jimmy its just me, patten. Theres no one else here. Im glitching, wait a minute. Im glitching. Oh, there you go. Hi. Jimmy as long as you dont buffer, it will be okay. How you doing, patton . Im doing well. The only thing that we are kind of short of on here is firewood. I wish i knew someone who had like a lot of firewood. Jimmy i do happen to have, you know, ive been getting a lot of people asking if its real wood. Which is it . Jimmy of course its real wood. Hey, look, we live in hollywood. That could be wallpaper. That could be a backdrop. Come on, man. We dont know. Jimmy no, thats real wood. Its just, its wood. What could be cheaper than wood if youre going to make wood. By the way, i enjoyed your netflix special, very funny. Thank you. Jimmy i always enjoy your stuff. I learned something about you that i did not know previously. Its something that we have in common. When you were a teenager, you were a deejay for weddings and stuff, right . Yes, i was a wedding deejay. Jimmy yeah, me too. You were a wedding deejay . Jimmy i was, yeah, when i was in college. What years . Like what years was that . In the 80s . Jimmy were talking like 1987, 88, maybe a little bit into 89. Oh, my god. Yeah, i worked at this very, very lowbudget deejay company, and we still used he was the last guy that would, that still used cassette tapes, long after they should not have been being used. He would defiantly not make the move to cds. So were you your own boss . Did you work for a company . How go, how did you do it . Jimmy i worked for a Company Called johnny ds disc jockey in air. You worked for the only company that used cassettes. Yeah. Jimmy we had records. I carried crates of records with me. But how do you cue up a cassette . You have to listen and rewind . He had this weird device, where if he left a three second gap of silence between the songs on the mixes you could hit this button to stop at the fourth gap, but it would rarely actually work. So you would have cool and the gang celebration cued up and little river band cool change would come up. Jimmy you got your cools screwed up. If you were playing records, did you have two turn tables . Or just one . Like how did that work . Jimmy of course, i was a real disc jockey. I do a little bit of this, do this, made me look kind of cool. Uhhuh. Jimmy i wasnt fast forwarding like you had to do. Thats very sad. Did you ever do the early, like, would you have a song fadeout and the song that faded in had the same beat as the one, to kind of do this look, look how im mixing them. Jimmy of course, i mixed the gap band into the daz band. They had the same dpm. Ive been to things where the guys really revel in going from Michael Jacksons beat it to ac dcs back go black. They would switch genres, but the songs have the same beat. And theres that little moment of oh, my god. Jimmy thats not great when grandma and grandpa are on the dance floor, oh, my god. Im glad we have that in common. We could talk about this for two hours. Something happened, you had a fight with your wife, yes. Yeah, we had a fight. I stormed out of the house to go on a hike, like, im going on a hike like that was my, i won halfway through my hike, i was like, were fighting over nothing, i have to apologize. When i came back to my car, she had left note on my car, but it was the most ominous note, which basically said stop, get out of your car, walk to the car in front of you. I love you. I thought oh, my god, im about to be killed. And to prove it, i have the video. She shot a video of me finding the note. Look how terrified i am. Jimmy okay. This is video. You coming back from your angry hike. Yes. Jimmy and finding the note. Oh, hold on. Theres a note. Oh, whats this . Jimmy is this a ticket . What is this . I unfold it. I was froze and terrified. Jimmy and the shooter is right there. Yes, at the end as i walk forward, you hear me go i thought i was going to be assassinated. Like im clearly shaken. Jimmy your wife meredith said she had a different version of the story and she wanted to share it. I heard her laughing, i think. Oh, god. Jimmy meredith, tell us your version of the story. How are you . Im good, how are you . Jimmy great, thank you. Um, my version of the story, well, first of all, let me acknowledge that yes, the note seems ominous. Seems it seems ominous, because i was still mad when i wrote the note, so its not like, notice i didnt say i forgive you. I said i love you, like youre going to come back from your hike after youve like thought how wrong you were and were you going to apologize to me. So i was giving him an opening. Because in the special he says Something Like we had a blowout fight, and i said to her, im going for a hike and thats not at all how it happened. We got in a fight, and i said, oh, my god, im leaving. Not, you know, forever, just like out the door. Jimmy mmhm. And hes, like, well, im going on a hike. Like he was wrong the whole time. Oh, so i did a you cant fire me, i quit . Are you kidding . In other words, he tells the story on the show as if hes like, she thought she should apologize, and i thought, and we both realized we made a mistake, but hes the one who made the mistake. And i was gracious enough to give him an opening to apologize. I remember which, by the way, he did, because hes a great husband. I did, but i remember us blowing something out you say i was completely in the wrong . You dont remember it right. Jimmy theres no more ominous note than to write i love you. With just a period. Its such a sicilian method. Jimmy you are a stickler for punctuation. I want do keep you both here. The charity youve chosen for us to donate to tonight is a special charity. Its called alices kids. I know your daughters name is alice. These are not her kids, though. No, shes 11. No kids yet. This isnt arkansas. Its this amazing charity. They get the essential supplies and experiences and food and clothing for atrisk kids and do it in a way that its done anonymously so that the kids dont have to deal with, sometimes theres a stigma in getting charity. So they also do an endrun around that so the kids can have the fun, dignified childhood, and its really amazing. Jimmy aliceskids. Org. Thank you, im glad you made up. It made up for a very funny part of your special. Please watch pattons standup special called i love everything. Do you want to make a cameo in my cameo . Jimmy the website . No. I promised them you would do it, so. Jimmy oh, okay. Its already recording. I dont want you on okay, here we go. Jimmy ill jump in. Hi, its me, Patton Oswalt and jimmy thats where i say jimmy, and its jimmy. Okay, yes. Here to say happy birthday to you happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear jimmy chacazy. How much do we get for that . If you have a venmo, ill send you a cut. Joit. Jimmy great, thamgss, well be right back. for just 100 a month. Switch to sprint and get four lines of unlimited plus, to really amp this up, were including four amazing iphone 11s, on us, when you trade in iphone 6ss or newer, in any condition. And now, sprint customers enjoy access to expanded coverage on the tmobile network. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Five dollar five dollar footlong piled high with veggies theyre back. Any footlong is a 5 footlong when you buy two. For a limited time. Subway. Eat fresh. Subway. At mercedesbenz, nothing service will do. Class thats why were expanding your range of choices. Many dealers now offer optional pickup delivery and athome maintenance, as well as Online Shopping with Home Delivery and special finance arrangements. So, whether you visit your local dealer or prefer the comfort of home you can count on the very highest level of service. Get 0 apr financing up to 36 months on most models, and 90day firstpayment deferral on any model. Good mormore treatment . Were going to try Something Different today. Hi awwww, so pretty. Dogs bring out the good in us. Pedigree® brings out the good in them. brad apartmentsdotcom makes easier than ever. W home brokenhearted guy i thought you loved me. [brokenhearted guy sobs] apartmentsdotcom. The most popular place to find a place. Jimmy hi. Welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Ive got an email address where you can send me your questions and thoughts, its hellojimmykimmel gmail. Com. I usually hate getting email, but its fun to read. I will answer one right now. From rachel crookshank. Jimmy, do you own a jean jacket . I feel like you do but you wont wear it. Although in the back of your mind, youre like, i want to wear this. Are you waiting for an appropriate time . Theres no time like the present, my friend, thanks for keeping me laughing, rachel. You know, rachel, i dont, i assume i will someday. I think maybe by the time the jean jacket is back in style, i think im just probably now too old to be in style. So if the question youre asking is do i have a jean jacket, i do not have a jean jacket. And do not, please do not send me jean jackets. I dont want them, okay . Thanks, rachel. If yoyoull get 2 vyears or 20,000 miles of scheduled carefree maintenance. 3 years or 36,000 miles of 24 7 roadside assistance. 4 years or 50,000 miles bumpertobumper limited warranty. 5 years of connected services. And for 6 years you wont have paid any interest. Down the road, youll be grateful you bought a volkswagen today. We stick together, for worse or for better yeah through any kind of weather, yo youre my friend in need. come on, come on we stick. cat 2 flook at that cat 1 its made with real farmraised chicken cat 2 i gotta get my paws on that cat 1 its friskies farm favorites cat 2 the winning farmula. woman vo feed their fantasy. Friskies cat 1 look friskies ocean favorites yum jimmy there you go, another night we will never forget. Tomorrow well check in with kevin hart. If you go to my twitch channel, you can watch me play fortnight until my wife gets mad. Ill see you there. This is nightline. Tonight, an alarming new coronavirus warning for the west and south. You are now seeing a disturbing surge of infections. And in the shadow over a president ial rally. I dont wear a mask. The medical reality, racing to the newest hotspots, now expecting to be overwhelmed next. Seeing it in my os bad as it can get, that compelled me to come and help. Plus, closed case . The fbi investigation and the report of the noose found in the garage of bubba wallace. Why authorities are not calling it a hate crime. The nascar star