Youre meditating. I know youre working up to 45 seconds a day on this. All right, thank you, guillermo, its good to see you. Guillermo can you add me on your instagram, mr. Spade, please . David you know what, ill see if i can. I dont know if im allowed to. I got to go. Its good to see you, buddy. By the way, speaking of instagram, i got a lot of flak last night. I posted a beautiful picture of myself in the greenroom here, some call selfies stupid, i know, but everyone was saying i over photo shopped it, and its horrible filters, which is a total lie. I had someone else do it. I just did a tiny bit, because my face was sunburned. I go, make it not so sunburned. This is what i posted. This isnt a joke. This is what i posted. I know, thirsty, but whatever. And heres what it looked like before. Its not that different. Its the same. And ive seen worse, listen, ive seen that Kardashian Family tree and every one of those pictures. Theres some shenanigans going on there, then Whitney Cummings has the balls to chirp in about my wardrobe. This is what she says. Burn the shirt. A black shirt, thats terrifying you . I googled you, whitney, this is the first thing that came up. Im sorry. I have a plain black shirt on. Harmless. You have season four of yellow stone printed on your jumper. More on her later. Im obligated to tell jokes. I want to make sure i get my scale. Lets get to it. Florida police say a woman pummeled her father due to his repeated flatulence. The dad said he was testing her sense of smell to make sure she didnt have covid. I buy it. I think hes being nice. Beyonce dropped a music video for brown skin girl, featuring her daughter blue ivy. This is a tough way to find out i didnt get the part. Im not auditioning for her anymore. Its always going to blue ivy. A report says the top tik tok stars make as much as 5 million a year. Kim kardashian said, i cant believe i could have done a dance video instead of the other video i did and become a millionaire. And its been announced olivia wilde will direct a video about spider woman, and im not even going to finish this joke. I saw a spider yesterday. Im just going to tell that part. I saw a spider coming out of my house. We can cut this later. But i was going out of my house, and of course it made this huge web across my whole door, so i walk out, and was, like, boowww. You know how you go into a web and it throws you back because its so strong. But this spiders right there in my face going, whats up . But its obviously poisonous, i freak up. I mess up the web, not cool. I want to live, so the next day i go out, but im a little scared, because im a puss. In real life, i come across as a toughguy, hardass athlete. But in real life, im little built of a puss. I dont want to get a spider biting me and me dying. I dont see it, and then it drops in the picture from the top, like crews in michigan like, wooo. So freak out again, run in, get the raid, come back, but i give him a little puff, just a little, like perfume, and then hes all tucked going like this, but i can see its getting to him. Hes going like that, then he freaks out. He goes up and down the web and starts spewing webs out of his butt. Like uncontrollable webbing. And im like, and then its not funny, though. But i think he was bumming out. But then i said, i got to end this. So i go pshhhh. And hes like, guy, im dead, you dont have to blow the whole bottle on me. Im soaking in a thousand times body weight in poison. You think im going to pull out of this . You have a little on your finger, youre about to black out, what are you, 140 . I know its hard to believe by looking at me we can snip that. I have a lot of friends. Articles are even written. Clickbait articles are written about the subject. Someone sent me this one the other day, 15 celebs david spade is surprisingly friends with. Im david spade. I like surprises. So i checked it out. When you read it, you find out, either the author of the article has no idea who i am or no idea what the word surprisingly means. Number 15 is adam sandler. Weve been in 7,000 movies and done a tv show together. If you google david spade plus adam sandler, 1. 9 million results. Then number 12, chris farley. This is welldocumented. The only reason youve ever heard of me is because i was friends with chris farley. Moving on to number 11 is chris rock. Saturday night live, grownups, grownups 2. 500 dinners. I feel like this whole article is a wasted opportunity. I do have some friendships that are truly surprising. Kim jong un. Turns out, hes a huge tommy boy fan. He kidnapped me, brought me over for a monthlong birthday parade and weve been friends ever since. Sometimes we start laughing. We dont even know why. Thats him on horseback riding on sacred mt. Pikachu. I think thats the one. I cant see. Then mike lindell, the my pillow guy. I was his crack dealer for a little while. As a kid, i was buddies with fidel castro. I was a pretty heavy cigar smoker and super communist back then. I went through that phase. This one might really surprise you. I was tight with a guy who murdered my wife. We hit it off at the trial. Most people dont remember i was married. Thats because he killed her on the wedding day, but anyway, all water under the bridge. People are always curious about me. Im fascinating. I even did this thing for google recently, where i answered some of my most commonlyasked questions to set the record straight. Lets look at it. Why wont david spades mustache grow in. Thanks for asking. When i was 19, i took my girlfriends Birth Control accidently. I thought it was a oneaday vitamin, and now i cant grow a mustache, and i cant have a baby. Thanks for bringing up a sore sub. When was the last time david spade [ bleep ]ed his pants . I cant believe one person on google asked that. Let alone a majority to get to the top of the questions. Im not a real pant [ bleep ]er, but i have a friend who said dude, i [ bleep ]ed my pants last week, and i havent [ bleep ]ed my pants in a while. So thats at least twice. Yeah, once a month. I go, somethings wrong, dude. Youre not supposed to constantly [ bleep ] your pants over the age of 2. Hes like, all the time, dude. Whats david spades next movie . I dont know, you never know. Its whatever sandler turns down. So i just dont know. Why is david spade famous . I was in a rock group called hanson in high school. Maybe youve heard of it, mm bop, mm bop boop bebop. Exactly. Yes, vader. We have a great show. Music from the Avett Brothers. Well be right back with my friend lauren lapkus. Whoo dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by march rells avengers. Coming to your Favorite Gaming platform september 4th. Embrace your powers. Dicky abcs Jimmy Kimmel Live, brought to you by verizon. Powerful 5g experience for america. Its 5g ultra wideband, and its already available in parts of select cities. Like los angeles and in new york city. And its rolling out in cities around the country. With massive capacity, its like an eight lane highway compared to a two lane dirt road. 25x faster than todays 4g networks. In fact, its the fastest 5g in the world. From the network more people rely on. This is 5g built right. Only on verizon. You know how these things start. You try wendys buy one get one for a dollar breakfast offer, love it and tell a friend. Then they tell a friend. And so on and so on and so on. So get to wendys and get some breakfast a lot of folks ask me why their dishwasher doesnt get everything clean. I tell them, it may be your detergent. Thats why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. With the soaking, scrubbing and rinsing built right in. For sparklingclean dishes, the first time. Cascade platinum. vo through our love promise, subaru and our retailers are proud to be replanting 500,000 trees. In areas devastated by wildfires. Subaru. More than a car company. Look atstaring at you. P wall. Embarrassing you in front of your inlaws. Spreading rumors about you at work. That wall is your everest but not any more. Today lets paint. That wall never knew what hit it. Today lets paint. Behr. Exclusively at the home depot. David hey, guys, welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live. Im david spade. Their album, the third gleam is coming out friday. Music from the Avett Brothers is coming up. And she contractually had to make out with me in the wrong missy. Now you can listen to her on her new podcast, Second Season of newcomers. Please welcome lauren lapkus. Hi. Hi. David isnt that a sweet intro . That was great. David that movie, the wrong missy. They said 59 Million People saw it in the first four weeks. Isnt that ridiculous . I dont know whos more shocked, me, you or the american people. It was great. So they all saw you simulate a [ bleep ] me. Now that movie, they were pretty tough on you, you were such a good sport, but what are some of the things you had to do to people who havent seen . Oh, my gosh, i had to get fish guts thrown in my face. David yes. I had to throw up like cold soup over the side of a boat. David sickening. I had to go in a spinning machine and go head over feet to get my facial reactions. For when the stunt double fell over the side of a cliff. I had to dunk my head under water in a tub a hundred times. David yeah. I remember a lot of things. David you had to do scenes with rob schnyder. That made me sick. Was there something they made you do that you didnt want to do . Or refused to do . You did pretty much everything. I think i did everything except there was one moment where they wanted my to jump off the dock into the ocean and swim towards the boat. Im not a good swimmer, so it would have been really deadly possibly. David i saw you hustling down the dock a million takes. I didnt know if you jumped. Every day was worse and worse for you. And i was like, i have so many complaints about the movie, and youre like, youre doing nothing, literally nothing. You had one day. You had the day where you had to be a mermaid. That was hard for you. David oh, yeah. That did bother me. There were a lot of things, but enough about missy. That was a great time. They told me you collect miniatures. You didnt tell me that on the set. I didnt bring that up, i didnt get a chance, but i do have my collection right here behind my. David thats why you like me . Because im miniature . I have one i think you would like. This is the mini eggplant. Can you see it . David i use that emoji three times a day. Then very these little guys i collect who are really special. Funny angel dolls is what theyre called. They all have different heads, i dont know if you can see. David so you saw these one time and you bought one and you keep buying them. These my husband and i saw in a little store in japan and we thought they were one in a million thing. And we started seeing them everywhere we went. We made up a rule that you can only buy them if you come across them in the wild. Like you come across them in a store. But i went wild and started buying them online during quarantine. David whats your favorite one . This ones special because its big. David it doesnt even fit in there. Is that pikachu . I dont know what that is. I said it in the monologue and said it wrong again. You do a few podcasts. I did one with you, but the one right now is called newcomers, right . I do a podcast with camille byer, and she nailed it on netflix, that baking show. The first time we watched star wars for the first time, we had never seen it. Now for the Second Season were watching lord of the rings. And every single thing weve had to watch is at least three hours long, and its really hard. David especially women and youre older and youre not a kid watching star wars. Yeah, im an older woman. David no, youre older than 11. When you see that, its horrible, well take that out. No, leave it in david everyone has some big movie everyone talks about that you dont want to say youve never seen it. Youve never seen lion king . Im very educated. I think its hard to avostar wars your entire life. David youve seen the old ones and the new ones and the new old ones. Ive seen the cartoons, the holiday special that george lucas tried to erase, the ewok specials. Ive seen everything. David lord of the rings is the one youre doing now. Yes, were watching all those movies, and theyre all three to four hours long. The biggest complaint is that were not watching the extended cuts, and theyre like, you have to see the fourth hour david i didnt see lord of the rings, and i followed that easier than i followed star wars. Yeah, it is easier. Its clear. Theres like wizards and trolls, theres not as much to keep up with. David do you know what youre going to do next . Or you dont know . Weve had some ideas, but i think were going to get pushed into doing some other sort of thing like this that weve avoided, like some sort of fantasy thing. Theres such a fandom, i think thats why they want us to keep going with this stuff. Because the people who love these movies. David oh, they get into it. Theyre obsessed, yeah. David theyre called newcomers. And thats lauren lapkus. I want to thank you for doing missy with me. That was the best. David well be back with the Avett Brothers. Ill see you soon. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. They felt comfortable. Et and its what we did with coogans. You felt safe and, if you were safe, you could be joyful. Everybody has a coogans. And almost half those small businesses, they could close if people dont do something. We have to keep our communities together. Thats how we get through this. Scratch that, baby, im grateful. Got to say its really been a while but now i got back that smile. Smile. Check everything off the list with lower prices and hundreds of deals. Get ready for school at target. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. David welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live, im david spade. You can get their new album the third gleam starting this friday. Here with the song victory, the Avett Brothers. One, two, three, four. Dont write cause i dont think i dont have a need to speak i dont see the bright side quite as clear accolades and happy days they dont ever last stories of courage clouded up with fear in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me from victory i tried to match eternal light with how i live my life of course i was forced to omip defeat waxy green and yellow walls outside my window fall covering the light i thought id see am i sad or am i sick whats at the root of it do i throw my hands and quit something tells me no worries on all sides of my mind in silence my darkness is denied in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me from victory i tried to match eternal light with how i live my life of course i was forced to retreat from victory i accept defeat from victory, i accept defeat thats your weathered deck, crying for help. While you do nothing, its inviting those geese over for target practice. Today, lets stain. Cause if you stain your deck today, they cant stain your deck tomorrow. Behr. Exclusively at the home depot. The dog with antioxidant vitamin c the winner is. Yah given the choice, why wouldnt you choose the one with antioxidant vitamin c . Choose vizzy hard seltzer. Scratch that, baby, im grateful. Ankf l. Gotta say, its really been a while. But now i got back that smile. Smil check everything off the list with jeans from 8 and tees from 4. Get ready for school at target. David thats all the time we have tonight. No id like that thank lauren lapkus, the Avett Brothers and the shows absentee father, jimmy kimmel. Jason derulo will host tomorrow with guest luke bryant. Hey, nightlines next goodnight front lines with fire crews, where there are major concerns, here in lake county. A camp for children and adults with developmental disabilities, destroyed. But camp leaders say the pandemic, actually, prevented a disaster. The air quality continues to ff bause of themo. Ill let you know if there is any hope on the horizon. Because of covid, Evacuation Centers look a lot different this fire season. What you need to know about helping hundreds of families displaced by the czu complex fire. First Lady Melania Trump gives her biggest speech in four years. We will have the highlights from night two of the Republican National convention and the reaction. Abc 7 news starts right now. Now, from abc 7, live, breaking news. And that breaking news is help is on the way for firefighters. The National Guard is sending in 250 troops to sonoma, lake and napa counties to help on the front lines tomorrow. And, at the same time, the weather is cooperating, pitching in with cooler temperatures and higher humidity. The Better Weather is helping firefighters with containment. Right now, the scu lightning complex is 20 contained. The czu lightning complex in santa cruz and san mateo counties is 19 contained and the lnu lightning complex in the north bay is 27 contained. Firefighters