Beside me as always. How are you tonight . Guillermo fantastic, jimmy. Jimmy do you like the stool i provided for you . Guillermo i feel like a baby in a high chair, but i like it. Jimmy you look like a baby in a high chair to be honest. I was worried youd been getting too much exercise while we were at home. Did you watch the lakers last night . What happened . Guillermo we were losing by about 20 points and we tried to come back in the last quarter, but we couldnt come back and lost by six, i think. Jimmy that kind of analysis could actually get you a job at espn. Guillermo maybe uni vision. Jimmy Time Magazine has unveiled their annual list of the 100 most influential people. The list includes donald trump, joe biden, megan thee stallion, all the world leaders. I actually wrote a little blurb about dr. Fauci for it. They asked me to write it. And i said how many people passed on this before you got to me . They claimed it was only one. Anyway, i wrote it because i respect dr. Fauci and also because im hoping hell sneak me an early vial of the vaccine. If i ever meet him, im going to just turn around and gently lower my pants. Got anything for me . Although i do that when i meet most health professionals. Time also announced that the least influential person of the year was this lady, who, despite the signs and a lot of yelling, was unable to effect any change to Baskin Robbins mask policy. You know, because of the pandemic, the cdc is urging families to skip trick or treating this year which really screws me up. Thats my bit im the one who takes the kids candy away the cdc now recommends that if your kids want to do something spooky on halloween, they should sit quietly and think about how badly the administration handled the pandemic response. Halloween is a major source of revenue for the candy companies. Its a five billion dollar industry. But i think with a little bit of rebranding, these companies could embrace covid and really cash in. For example are you ready for examples . [cheers and applause] jimmy you better be or youre all fired here are the examples. Who wouldnt enjoy a bag of pandem ms . Or now and ventilators . Lemon droplets. Feverishly hot tamales. No more payday. Reeses sneezes. Good and fauci. Circus ppenuts. Stand milky way over there. Three masketeers. Stuck at home with sour patch kids. And finally mike and ike are dead. Meanwhile, there are new new concerns about foreign interference in our election. Because of all the mailin ballots, it could take a while for the votes to be counted which means theres a good chance we may not know who won on Election Night or maybe even for days later. The fbi yesterday issued a warning that socalled foreign actors might try to use that extra time between voting and results to spread disinformation and undermine confidence in u. S. Democratic institutions. The foreign actors they are specically worried about are these, the cast of schitts creek. First they come for our emmys, then they come for our democracy. Theres increasing concern that even if he loses, trump will refuse to leave the white house. But heres the thing, thats simple. If the American People want to guarantee that donald trump will leave us, theres an easy thing we can do, marry him. I miss the drummer sometimes, you know . By the way, you know who is gonna be voting for the First Time Ever this year . Mike tyson. Tyson tweeted yesterday that he is proud that he will finally cast a vote. In this election. And i think thats great. If for no other reason than i want to hear mike tyson say the words participating in democracy. Speaking of prize fights, we are now less than a week away from the first president ial debate between donald trump and joe biden. The debate will be held in cleveland at case western reserve university. Never heard of it. Trump has reportedly been preparing for the debates by watching tv. Thats right. Hes been training twelve hours a day for the past four years for this. They say that biden considered taking a page from trumps book and putting the women who accused him of Sexual Assault in the audience for the debate but theyre not allowed to have more than 400 people in the crowd. [cheers and applause] watching joe biden in these debates will be like watching your kid in the school play. Youll be like very good. All right. There will be no audience for the debate so the president has been warming himself in front of a series of crowds. Trump was in moon township, pennsylvania last night where he once again floated this strange idea slash accusation that he and joe biden should take drug tests. This guy doesnt have a clue. He doesnt know where the hell he is. And theyll give him a shot of something. I dont know. Hes going to get something, ellie b hell be, you know, i watched him so badly in the debates, and then with bernie, he was average. He got through. And i said what the hell is he taking . And i said that, we want a drug test. We want a drug test. Test. Test. Weel beet ta well both take it, well both take it. Jimmy i dont think lipitor is considered to be performanceenhancing. I hope biden takes him up on that i would love to see trumps drug test propecia, cialis, adderall, dexatrim, that one that stops you from leaking. Hed probably just get the same guy who took his s. A. T. S for him. Kamala harris is gearing up for her one and only Vice President ial debate with mike pence next month. During her practice sessions, which dont seem that necessary, mayor Pete Buttigieg has been standing in for mike pence. You know, they do these practice debates. Do you even need a person to fill in for mike pence . Just put a white wig on a mop and call it a day. Theres a lot on the line for pence. For one thing, hell be forced to be in the same room as a woman without mother standing by. Which is difficult. Im worried about mike pence if he wants to knock this debate out of the park, he needs to get some new material. Pence has been on the road telling the same phony story about his daily conversation with President Trump over and over again. I got to tell you, when i told him i was going to be in michigan tonight when he was in london, i think he sounded just a little bit jealous. When i told him last night that i was headed to iowa, i think he looked just a little jealous. When i told him yesterday that i was headed to wisconsin, i think he was a little jealous. Headed to the keystone state, headed to louisiana. Headed to pennsylvania, i think he looked just a little bit jealous. I thought he sounded just a little bit jealous. I think he sounded just a little bit jealous. I think he sounded just a little bit jealous. I think he sounded just a little bit jealous. I think he sounded just a little bit jealous. Jimmy i think you might need to be rebooted, mr. Vice president. Charges were filed today in the case of Breonna Taylor who, as you know, was killed by police in a raid of her apartment even though she had done nothing. Many are upset. There are protests in louisville and elsewhere as well. So the president , as he is known to do, took a moment to offer words of healing and unity and condolences to the taylor family. Mr. President , do you believe that justice was served in the Breonna Taylor case in kentucky . And what is your message to the black community, who believe that perhaps justice was not served by the decision that was rendered by the grand jury in kentucky . Well, my message is that i love the black community, and ive done more for the black community than any other president , and i say with the possible exception of abraham lincoln, and i mean that. With opportunity zones and criminal justice reform, prison reform, with what weve done for historically black universities, colleges, schools, what weve done, nobodys done more. Abraham lincoln, lets geoff him t the nod but beyond that, nobodys done more. Jimmy its amazing. No matter what you ask him, he makes it about himself. Mr president , what do you think about the celtics in the playoffs . Nobodys done more for the irish nobodys driven more snakes out of ireland than me. Maybe st. Patrick. Thank you for yet another sweatysburg address. Cant we just have the election now . Is anyone actually undecided . This kind of tells you all you need to know with all that is going on right now all the division and fear and unemployment. Last month, the Trump Campaign spent 477,000 on fireworks. For real. Roll the tape here. Not only did mexico not pay for the wall, trump paid them half a Million Dollars for fireworks. This is the display for the Republican National convention. And its a beautiful display, no question about that. And the fact that they toppled the washington monument, well, im sure theyll get that all taped up. Trump never could understand why they built a monument to Denzel Washington in the first place. This is our first week here in the studio after more than six months of working from home. And when youre a couple and youve been cooped up together for half the year, you have a chance to rediscover each other for better or worse. You remember what you like the most about your partner and maybe happen upon some new things that you dont. So we asked our staff, those who have a plus one, to share with us the significant things theyve learned about their significant others during quarantine. And i hope you find some comfort in this for your own relationship. Ive learned that my wife likes to angle the computer towards an open doorway during her work zooms. So, on more than one occasion, all of her coworkers have seen me pass by naked. My girlfriends a copyrighter, which apparently means watching endless tiktoks at full volume while doing very little writing. Ive learned that my wife in quarantine likes to vacuum three times a day. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once right before bed, for some reason. She needs to have the ac, 24 7, okay, 24 7. And it gets cold, so i dont like that. So at nighttime i weak up and go turn that off, and i told her, listen, you dont pay the bill, the bills are going to be real expensive. During my time together with my fiance, i learned that shes person on zoom calls that uses all those business jargon terms like kirle back, touch base, and my least favorite, turn key. While my husband loves the idea of cooking from scratch hes not that great of following through. The refrigerator is full of sar dough starter. We have two different types of kitchen scissors. After nearly six months of working from home, down the hall from my husband, ive learned that he will literally work in his own filth and trash for days, sometimes weeks. I have found halfeaten grapes on the table. And the other day our 1yearold daughter had some mustard on the bottom of her foot and i eventually figured out that my husband had left a paper plate with mustard on the floor, and im guessing she stepped in that, so. Yeah. Jimmy the bug zapper is a nice touch, too. Just get some yellow carpet, mustard problem solved. Tonight on the show, tim mcgraw is here. And well be right back with riz ahmed. So stick around [cheers and applause] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by progressive. But come ye back when su mom, dad. Whys jamie here . Its sunday. Sunday sing along. And he helped us get a home and auto bundle. Hes been our insurance guy for five years now. He makes us feel like were worth protecting. [ gasps ] why didnt you tell us about these savings, flo . Ive literally told you a thousand times. Oh, danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling im just gonna. From glen to glen which is another name for sugar. Clif bar is brown rice syrup, in this kind bar, its hearthealthy almonds. With the taste of dark chocolate and 75 less sugar than the leading clif bar. Be kind to yourself. fisherman vo ce how do i register to vote . Ential election. Hmm . Hmm . Hmm . woman on porch vo can we vote by mail here . grandma vo youll be safe, right . daughter vo yes four girls vo the polls voted grandma vo go out and vote its so important man at poll vo woo grandma vo its the most important thing you can do knowinits hard. Re is hard. Eliminate who you are not first, and youre going to find yourself where you need to be. The race is never over. The journey has no port. The adventure never ends, because we are always on the way. Mcdonalds chicken mcnuggets better. . If they were breaded in spicy tempura, made with a blend of aged cayenne. And they made me cry a little. New spicy chicken mcnuggets ba da ba ba ba there are memberships for all kinds of things today. But what about being a member of the family . What about being a member of the community . What about being a member of humanity . What if there was a membership that gave us the time to celebrate the things that connect all of us . Rush to work, grab a drink, that cohurry home. F us . [cell phone beeps] stop dont be on your phone. Let someone else take the wheel. Make a little eye contact. Make a plan. Its a busy world out there. Were all in it together. Go safely, california. Put it in gear and take off. , next thing you know, the phone is in your hand stop we should be holding the wheel, not holding the phone. Its a busy world out there. And were all in it together. Go safely, california. [ applause ] jimmy welcome back. Tonight, his album is called here on earth, the one and only tim mcgraw is standing by from nashville. Tomorrow night, we will visit with norman reedus. We will honor a healthcare hero and hear music from amine. So please join us for that tomorrow. Our first guest is an emmywinning actor and rapper, hes a raptor in fact. You know him from girls and venom and lots of other stuff. His new movie sound of metal opens in theaters november 20th and premieres on Amazon Prime Video december 4th. And this is his album the long goodbye. Please welcome riz ahmed. Hello, riz hey, gemmjimmy, how are you doing . Jimmy im good, how are you. Im good. Im virtually at home. Jimmy your home is beautiful. Its white and clean. Where are you . You look like youre in an apple commercial. Im in l. A. Jimmy oh, you are. Thats when you have to kind of face all your demons, really, all the stuff youre running away from, by working all the time. Jimmy what demons . Psychological, yeah jimmy what demons did you face . Did you have people in the house . Pets . Did you have anyone . Um, well, i dont want to overlook potella or anything. It wasnt too intense. I was thinking about getting a dog at one point. A lot of people got these covid dogs. Jimmy yeah, right. I felt like that would be a good idea for a week, and then it would be a hassle. So instead i got a robot vacuum cleaner. You got one of those . Its really good. If youre thinking about getting a dog, youre thinking things are quiet at home. You like a pet but not the mess, it cleans up after itself. Jimmy instead of getting hair on the rug it gets hair off of the rug. Its perfect. Jimmy how are your parents doing . They live in london, sdplebt. They do, they do. I was on some, i know its like, i thought i was kind of being this heroic son and looking out for my aging parents. Id go to drop off fruit and veg and theyd open the door with readycooked meals in tupperware, here you go. Its the classic asian mom kind of thing. But even in this situation they couldnt help but try and jimmy you come hom more food than you brought. Yeah, it was really not what i had been planning on. Jimmy i saw on instagram you lost a couple family members, your aunt and uncle to covid, right . Yeah, thats right. Jimmy and your uncle seemed like a character and a great guy, based on what i saw. Yeah, he was, he was. His name was shaquille. And both my, so it was my dads side and my moms side, an aunt and an uncle, and both of them had really eventful lives growing up in the uk at a time that was maybe slightly less tolerant and making their way through that, making a success of their lives, but both of them ultimately turning towards faith. And my uncle in particular, shaquille mamu, he as wearing silk shirts coming down to here with open necks and medallions and working for a banker trying to provide support to the immigrant community, and after that he became a preacher. So he really had the gift of the gab between being a teddy boy, working in banking sales and then almost being a door to door kind of preacher. He always had jokes and stuff. And i think about his, this video from his 60th birthday with his twin brother, he gave their beautiful speech and said i hope all your dreams come true to everyone here. And if they do, i hope you dont mind sharing a little bit. And that was his vibe, you know. He always had a little joke, but when i think about where we are as a species right now, i feel like his words are ringing in his ears. A lot of the challenges that we face are ones that we share, and the way out of them is also sharing resources or health care, you know. Jimmy yeah. So his spirit is kind of, is with me, i think, as i kind of move forwards. Jimmy did he get a kick out of your career, your music career, your acting career . He did, yeah. He did, i think. I mean, he was kind of interesting, because he always kept you grounded. So hed say listen, i saw this thing. Oh, pretty cool, pretty good. But like, have you been praying recently . Theres always that kind of angle like ah, yeah, youre right. Ive got to stay grounded. Ive got to remember what really matters. But he was just always full of jokes and i think a lot of people think of faith and sadly you think possibly in america a lot of people might associate islam with a stern kind of faith. To me he was kind of the most compassionate, loving guya, anda machb fait man of faith and faith that we could all do well with. Jimmy when we come back i want to talk about your movie and an album you released unfortunately in march. Well be back with more from riz after this. [ applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by new crest whitening emulsions. Here . Nah. Here . Nope. Here. When the middle of nowhere. Is somewhere. The allnew chevy trailblazer. The allnew chevy trailblazer. Want to eliminate odors without heavy,overwhelming scents . We get it. Introducing febreze light. It eliminates odors with no heavy perfumes in light scents youll love. Ah. New febreze light. La la la la la. Your shoulder seems to be healing nicely. Well, dr. Farrell, it feels really good. Thats good. And. Im sorry. Baby, dont touch that. I dont want you to play with that. singing twinkle, twinkle little star. How i wonder what you are. still singing up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky. Im so glad that your shoulder is feeling better. But, how are you doing . Im hanging in there. Schedule a video visit with your doctor. And get quality care with no copay. Kaiser permanente. Thrive. And get quality care with no copay. If i could, bab