Parents, her parents, their parents. Who have been deceased for years. It was a textplosion. Because the president wrote on twitter. Tonight, flotus and i tested positive for covid19. We will begin our quarantine and Recovery Process immediately. We will get through this together which. I dont know whos writing this year, but its too much. Its not even believable anymore. Its ridiculous. Aides said the president appeared to be lethargic over the past few days. They got worried yesterday morning, when he couldnt smell his mcgriddle. Trump was said to be experiencing mild symptoms. At around 6 20, he was taken in marine one to walter reed hospital, where he is expected to remain for a few days. The president walked to the helicopter on his own. We dont know the full extent of his symptoms. His staff says he had a fever, so they sent him to the hospital just to be safe. He is high risk because of his age and weight. Fortunately, he has obamacare, so hes covered on those preexisting conditions. [ applause ] the other storyline, one thats happening off tv, is people wondering if he really does have the virus. Some people dont believe he has it. Some people think its a ploy to win him the election. And others think someone gave it to him. This is a theory from a far right person named deanna lorraine. Which is really all you need to know. She scored the tinfoil hat trick with, im just going to say what were all thinking. Trump was fine until the debate, where they set up microphones and podiums for him. Incubation period is usually 23 days. He tests positive a couple of days after the debate. I put nothing past the left. Nothing. I wouldnt say were all thinking that. It might be just you. And then, she went all in. Does anyone else find it odd that no prominent democrats have had the virus but the list of republicans goes on and on . You know what else is weird . Its weird how skydivers who use parachutes are fine, but the ones who dont get splattered like a bag of coleslaw. Thats also odd. And, of course, no reasonable person wants anyone to get this terrible disease, but you cannot look past the fact that over and over again, trump has been making fun of joe biden for wearing a mask. He could be speaking 200 feet away and shows up with the biggest mask ive ever seen. He walks on the stage with a mask, hes got the largest mask ive ever seen. He comes up with a mask. Hes like 100 yards from the nearest human beings. Maybe he doesnt want to expose his face. Did you ever see a man who likes a mask as much as him . What the hell did he spend all that money on the Plastic Surgery if hes going to cover it up with a mask . Jimmy ha, ha, and ha. Masks protect us from the coronavirus. They protect us from getting it and spreading it. That is a fact. If everyone wore a mask, we might not have any of this anymore. We would definitely have less. But this president doesnt think they look good. So now he has the virus, his wife has it, and every staffer who may have come into contact with the president is at risk. Basically, the white house is like a summer camp with lice. There are a lot of covid dots to connect. Heres trump with his chief of staff mark meadows. He spent a lot of time with his nominee for the supreme court. Amy coney barrett, who went for a stroll with vice poodle, mike pence. They were both with Mitch Mcconnell on tuesday. Which was the same day. His family showed up at the debate not wearing masks, which was against the rules, and when a doctor from the Cleveland Clinic who was overseeing it went over and asked them to put them on, they ignored her. Hope hicks, who is White House Patient zero, was at the debate. She traveled to minnesota with trump on wednesday. There she is with a number of staffers, no masks or social distancing. Hope was also clapping along to ymca at a rally in pennsylvania saturday, again, no mask. So after he found out hope hicks tested positive, trump flew to new jersey to attend a fundraiser indoors where he came in contact with around a hundred donors. He knew someone in his inner circle had covid. He wasnt feeling well, and still, he had a roundtable with supporters. I dont know about you, but i would ask for my money back. At that particular fundraiser. And it wasnt just the executive branch that got hit with this. Here were more positive results at the white house today and on capitol hill. Senator mike lee of utah tested positive. There he is. He was out giving hugs on the white house lawn saturday. Mike lee is what they call a stupid spreader. Vice president mike pence tested negative. This was a weird thing. When the trumps got home after testing positive . Mike and karen pence were in their bed. Pence tweeted, karen and i send our love and prayers to our dear friends president realdonaldtrump and Flotus Melania trump. We join millions across america praying for their full and swift recovery. God bless you President Trump and our wonderful first lady melania. Pence is planning to make a longer statement to the press, as soon as his staff can get him to stop whistling zipadeedoodah. Mike pence, of course, is the head of the covid task force. So hes in trouble. As soon as trumps back up on his feet, someones getting a swirly in the lincoln commode this is interesting. Team trump reportedly did not give the Biden Campaign a headsup that they may have been exposed to the virus. Joe biden tested negative, but that doesnt mean anything. The virus has to be in you three to five days before you can even get a positive result. Trump was 12 feet away, screaming at his face on tuesday. So that debate may have been an even bigger disaster than we thought. So we hope the president will be okay. Before he left for the hospital, he made a video to assure us that he will be fine. I want to thank everybody for the tremendous support. Im going to walter reed hospital. I think im doing very well, but where h were going to make sure that things work out. The first lady is doing very well. Thank you, i appreciate it. I will never forget did, thank you. Jimmy in other words, to mike pence, stay the hell out of my Office Another crazy old person ive been worried about right now is my aunt chippy. Guillermo, youre going to love this. Shes been very good quarantining in las vegas, but she loves the egg rolls at jack in a box. She is crazy for them. She will order three, eat one right away and take the rest home. Sometimes she orders six. So my mother sent me a text. And the text says ive got a great aunt chippy story for you. Apparently, shes in a war with jackinthebox. Im bad at describes this stuff, but this one is a butte. She has a gift card they wont accept. To quote her, im their best egg roll customer. She left a message for the manager to call her, and he hasnt. Shes mad. I thought since he hasnt called her, it would be wise to call her and pretend im the manager for jackinthebox. She doesnt know were watching her at all right now, and yes, that really is her refrigerator. Dial her up, and im going to pretend to be the manager, finally calling her back. Hello. Hello, can i speak to mrs. Hippy, please . Who is this . This is tom, the manager at jackinthebox. You got to be kidding. Really . Yeah, you left a note . I left a note over a week ago, ive been trying to get you guys for the last two weeks. Im very sorry, weve been very busy with our breakfast menu. Have you had the new extreme sausage sandwich . No, i havent had anything, i want to tell you what the problem is. Go ahead. Let me grab a pen. I have been using you for years and years and years whether you put the egg rolls on the lunch menu, and i called there and said we have lunch at 9 00 on the morning, and they put it on the menu for a full day. Thats how long ive been a customer of yours. Okay, im back with the pen now. Go ahead. Did you hear what i said . No, i missed all of that. Okay. I said ive been a customer of yours when you first put the egg rolls on the lunch menu. These are the crispy egg rolls. Yes, egg rolls. Yes, all right. Okay, well i got a Gift Certificate for 40 from my grandchildren. Okay. I came, i used it one time, no problem. The second team, and i come in once, twice a week. Go the second time, okay. The third time i went by, they said the Gift Certificate isnt working. These are egg rolls. Everything i order egg rolls, the cheeseburgers, a whole bunch of stuff, okay . Okay, this is just for your use or for others . No, its for me. Okay, let me grab a pen. Again, with the pen . Yes, its out, its not working. Ill be right back. Okay, im back. So anyway, i go there again. Where . I get to where, to the jackinthebox sfloix. Location . Yeah, where else would i go . The Coney Island Hospital . I order, oh, your gift card isnt working again. Where are you from . May i ask where youre from . Did doesnt matter. Ive been here 45 years. Jimmy you sound like youre from a mean place. We could kick this up to corporate. You aint getting my Social Security number. Get my address. You come to my house, ill put the freakin hose on you. Lets go back you through this. I go to order. I get to the window, oh, your gift card doesnt work again, you know what i did . I left them with the stuff and drove away. I remember that. I actually ate those egg rolls for lunch that day. Hello . You ate my egg rolls . Well, yes, because they are quite delicious, the crispy egg rolls. You know, i think you jerking my chain. Is this my nephew . Jimmy, is this you, you little [ bleep ] . Im sorry, i dont know what youre talkin about, maam. Well, you know what . Give me my 20 back. And you can keep your gift card. You can keep your gift card. Ill tell all my relatives, dont send me no gift cards. Is there anything i can do to help you make you more quiet . No. Have a nice day whoever you are. Goodbye. Maam, maam. Send in the thing. Send in the [ doorbell ] what, are you kiddin hello . Hello, maam . Did you get what we sent . Did you who are you talkin to . Who are you talkin to . Im talkin tomy neighb my n. You brought me 5,000 egg rolls and jimmy can you show those up to the camera . The camera . Jimmy the camera youre on right now, the camera, aunt chippy, yeah, aunt chippy. Jimmy, you little son of a hold on a minute. Is he on that thing . Unbelievable. Son [ laughter ] yeah, we just wanted to make sure youre happy with the product. What the hell is wrong with you jimmy i heard you were waiting for a call back ive been waiting for three weeks for a call back. Jimmy well, now you got it. There you go, thats got to be at least 20 worth of egg rolls. Oh, my god. I swear to god, jimmy, but i really think that after i die youll make sure that you get in touch with me. Jimmy if those egg rolls dont kill you, i dont know what will. [ laughter ] all right, aunt chippy, i love you. Enjoy the egg rolls. [cheers and applause] jimmy youre gettin nothing but egg rolls from here on out. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Rachel nichols is here. Weve got music from a ap ferg and well be right back with Shaquille Oneal. [cheers and applause] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by all state. This is the feeling of total protection now that we protect your identity, mobile phone, auto, home and life youve never been in better hands allstate click or call for a quote today youve never been in better hands allstate but i think ive aged you well. Some might say perfect. So whos ready to show them whos the cheesiest . i woke up feeling the cheesiest coach cheese cheese cheese cheezit official sponsor of the College Football playoff new school year, whatever that means from the sporty chic to the stem star go show off your fit, lets raise the bar whatever this year looks like, get fresh looks at old navy and oldnavy. Com. It was kind of a shock after i started cosentyx. Im still clear, five years now. Cosentyx works fast to give you clear skin that can last. Real people with psoriasis look and feel better with cosentyx. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if youve had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. I look and feel so much better. See me. Ask your dermatologist if cosentyx could help you move past the pain of psoriasis. If cosentyx cknowinits hard. Re is hard. Eliminate who you are not first, and youre going to find yourself where you need to be. The race is never over. The journey has no port. The adventure never ends, because we are always on the way. Now any order can be rewarding when you use the app. No matter how you pay, youll be closer to earning rewards and getting more of your favorites for free. More ways to pay, more ways to get rewarded. Starbucks rewards. [ applause ] jimmy welcome back. Coming up, his album is called floor seats ii. Music from a ap ferg featuring tyga. Theyre doing a song called Dennis Rodman. Which is named after the basketball player, Dennis Rodman, who i understand is making an appearance in their song tonight. Next week, we have all new shows with armie hammer, marlon wayans, liam neeson will join us, and well have music from jaden smith and nathanael cano. So please join us then. And we will be back in primetime for more nba game night specials with bill murray and jamie foxx. Our first guest played for both miami and l. A. And won nba titles for each. Starting wednesday on netflix, you can see him alongside adam sandler in hubie halloween. Please welcome the enormous and enormously entertaining Shaquille Oneal. [cheers and applause] hey, shaq. Whats up, brother, how are you . Jimmy you look good, you look good and have a glow about you. Thank you. Its called lighting. I got the light shining right here. How are you . Jimmy im well, most people dont have lighting in their houses, but most people arent shaq. Do you ever wake up in the morning and imagine you have covid . No, why would i do that . Jimmy i dont know, i do, so i thought maybe other people do. You know what . Since weve been friends for over 20 years, i had a cold one time and thought i had covid. I wanted to wait it out. Took all the home remedies, and finally, i took the covid test. The lady got the qtip so far fr my nose i thought i was going to die. From my experience, can you have a cold without catching covid. Jimmy do you feel you are more or less susceptible to covid be beiing so tall. Do you feel like youre out of range of most peoples sneezing and coughing . Our do you think it goes up. I would say im out of range. But i like kids, and a lot of times when were out, i have a hard time saying no, so im still taking pictures and shaking hands, but im being as safe as possible. Jimmy a lot of people are able to get away with putting on a mask and not being recognized. That probably doesnt work for you. Youre right, it doesnt. Jimmy i was mentioning in your introduction you played for both teams and won titled for both teams, are your loyalties in any way split . Or are you a lakers guy . I am a lakers guy and a a a a guy. Im going to step out of this and be a fan. In a perfect world, id like them to go seven games, not for myself but for the fans and the state of basketball. Theyve been producing some really excellent basketball in the bubble. I think it would be unfair for me to say im with this side or that side. I have four championships. I just want to see some great basketball. May the best team win. Jimmy and yet you have a bet with wade, and you chose lakers. Tell us what the bet is exactly. This sounds like a crazy bet to me. The bet is, if the heat beat the lakers, ill give him one of my mvp trophies, and i have it right here, i always have it next to me, jimmy. I will give it to him for him to keep at his house so him and his lovely wife gabriele can look at it every night. Jimmy and on the flip side . On the flip side, if the lakers win, he has to give me one of his. Jimmy do you really think hes going to give you one of his . I dont think he will. Hes a man of his word. Ive known him a long time. I consider him very, very trustworthy. Jimmy how great must it be to have so many mvp trophies and bet one and give it away and not feel like youve lost anything. Its a nice feeling, trust me. Jimmy i know this has been a weird season and the guys are in the bubble and all that stuff. From a human being standpoint. First game, the heat get blown out, we dont know what happened, but lets say they get blown out again, do they keep going hard or do they go hey, weve had enough of be being at disney world, its time to go sonoma. Knowing the heat, they will never, ever quit. They will finish. But, again, you know, crazy thing about basketball is you can always, you know, dream about what youre going to do, but sometimes it doesnt happlie that. And you got to hit shots. The lakers hit a lot of big shots the other night. Jimmy 20 years ago you and kobe won your first of three titles together. I want to show a photograph here, because after you won the first one you got those jackets. Can you see those . Can you see that onscreen . Yes, i see it. Jimmy who made those jackets, do you know . I want to say a fellow by the name of jeff hamilton. Jimmy and then you won again and got another jacket. Yeah. Jimmy and you won again and the jackets got more elaborate each year. Do you still have those jackets . Do you still put them on and where do you keep them . Theyre in my trophy presentation room that i dedicated to my father when he passed away. Jimmy have you ever thought about opening a museum of some kind where people could come and look at all of this stuff . I already have a museum. Its called google. You want to know anything about me, just google, and its free. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, but you cant smell the leather from those jackets on google, can you. Youre right, youre right. Jimmy how do you think you would have done in the bubble . I think you would have figured out a way to pop it. Try and pop it. Jimmy like get around some of the rules. Am i a single man or a man. Jimmy a single man. A single man. What i would have done is i would have spread some of the cash around to the maids, not to be with a maid, but to retrieve a uniform, now when we retrieve the uniform, i would go out late at night and, you know, look for disney fencing that had some loopholes, id take my pliers and cut it and leave a little opening and leave the maid yes, sir sir, on top of the thing, clean my room. Jimmy that is diabolical thinking, thats like secret agent kind of thinking. Do you ever talk to any of these guys, and do you think these guys are up to anything like that . I dont think they are, you know. I think ive heard of one incident