Tv, emptied on our door which is not great, but whatever, not a big deal. But then im looking at it and im wondering how did it hit at that angle . Did the bird come in sideways, like it was sliding into second base . How did this get there . And thats when i realized that the pigeon guano was coming from inside the door it was inside. I still dont know how it happened. From a physics standpoint, it doesnt make any sense. I guess, logic tells me that the door must have been open and the bird somehow edged over and did that thing birds love doing to us, the revenge of the birds, but the door wasnt really open for a moment i had to think, is it possible that this came out of me . Maybe i sneezed or something . I mean, to hit the glass at that trajectory, theres only one bird in the world that could make that shot and hes retired. He hasnt crapped on a window in years. Anyway, i dont know how this happened, but i know it was a bird. It must live in the area. My plan now is to find that birds nest and go 2 in it. But it was good luck for the dodgers. Did you watch the game last night, guillermo . Yes, i did, yes. Hometown Los Angeles Dodgers came back to win a game 7 thriller. They beat a strong Atlanta Braves team to advance to the world series for the third time in four years. They will take on the Tampa Bay Rays starting tomorrow night in arlington, texas. Theyve been holding the playoffs at a neutral site because of the pandemic. So this is how the fans in l. A. Are celebrating. They had a drivein watch party at Dodger Stadium last night and theyre doing this for the world series too. They set up a video screen so that fans can watch the series from their cars. Tickets for the world series games are 75. Thats right. This quarantine has gone on so long, people in la are now willing to pay 75 to get back in a traffic jam. Speaking of dodgers, President Trump has been all over the west coast. He had a Campaign Fundraiser down the freeway in Newport Beach yesterday and he was in las vegas and what do you do when youre in vegas . You go to church just in time for early voting, trump made his annual visit to church yesterday. He went to something called the International Church of las vegas. There he is getting ready for the collection basket, he counted out a hundred, turned out it was a collection bucket, marking his First Charitable donation of the year or was it . Lets slow that down and take a look at it again. Why that son of a gun he pulled the old switcheroo on jesus the president has been giving his worshippers lots of opportunities to see him live and in person. On saturday, trump was in janesville, wisconsin, where he lamented the challenges of running against what he considers to be an unworthy opponent. If crazy joe becomes president , its not even conceivable. No, no, running against him. It put such pressure. Because im running the worst in the history of president ial, now if i lose, can you imagine . If i lose, i will have lost to the worst candidate, the worst candidate in the history of president ial politics if i lose, what do i do . Jimmy you go to jail. You go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 million. This was good too. Newsmax had to preempt its irregular programming to air one of trumps gumball rallies. But it would seem that someone forgot to change the title in the channel guide because his speech was listed under the title, the life of adolph hitler. Rise of the demon. The hitler family is furious. They are talking about suing. The president has been going a mile a minute lately, so we slowed him down to half speed for tonights edition of drunk donald trump. First lady has a darling in the most handsome president , and i said first lady am i the most handsome president ever . Yes absolutely. Jimmy does anyone believe melania said any of that . He likes to call her first lady because it sounds better than third wife. Meanwhile, covid cases are going up, way up, all over the country. Some experts believe that the next six to twelve weeks are going to be the darkest of the pandemic so far. Turns out, we werent supposed to gather in a water park with 3 thousand drunken strangers. And of course, as many states are bracing for what they call the third peak of the virus, the president is attacking dr. Fauci. Trump repeatedly attacked dr. Fauci today. He called him an idiot. He said if hed listened to dr. Fauci, wed have 700 thousand or 800 thousand deaths. He called him a disaster. And he said he likes him. A few times. He hates h s him but he likes h. He is definitely jealous of all the positive attention dr. Fauci gets which he wouldnt even get, by the way, if trump didnt constantly contradict him. I dont know why donald trump still thinks he can ignore this virus and it will go away, that strategy didnt work with don jr. And eric, and it isnt going to work here. The boss baby was probably triggered by dr. Faucis appearance on 60 minutes last night. Dr. John lapook asked about a deceptive and brazenly manipulated campaign ad that fauci has repeatedly asked the president s team to pull. Jimmy thats why they call him fouch the grouch. Fauci said his words were taken out of contexas. Th context. I was referring to something entirely different. I was referring to the grueling work of the task force that god, we were knocking ourselves out seven days aweek, i dont think that we could have done more than that. The steam come out of your oars some. It did, quite frankly i was ticked off. Jimmy thats why they call him fouch the grouch. Normally when a guy in a turtleneck is that ticked off, its because the planetarium closed early. Its crazy that at the same time trump is calling fauci a disaster and an idiot hes running commercials to make it seem like dr. Fauci said hes doing a great job. Meanwhile, dr. Birx is somewhere out there hiding under a pile of scarves hoping she doesnt get dragged into this too. Trump has reportedly been keeping tabs on any republicans who have the temerity to speak out against him. So far its a very short list. Not many of them have had the courage to criticize the president or even to defend dr. Fauci. But this was a feather in the president s red cap. He picked up a rare and major hollywood endorsement this weekend from a former dancing with the stars runnerup. Kirstie alley wrote, im voting for realdonaldtrump because hes not a politician. I voted for him 4 years ago for this reason and shall vote for him again for this reason. He gets things done quickly and he will turn the economy around quickly. There you have it folks there you have it. I love that she included an emoji that looks like its rolling its eyes at her tweet. What do you think she means by gets things done . Yells and watches tv . I always liked diane better anyway. Ill be honest sorry, rebecca. There are new details about how much money donald trump owes and the answer is a lot more than we thought. According to forbes the president will have to pay back 900 million worth of loans over the next four years. If trump is reelected they might have to foreclose on the white house. Im not sure where hes planning to get money like that, but i did notice, the price of his hats has gone up. Can we please just fast forward to the point where trump is doing cameo messages for 85 . Trump is really off the rails right now. The tone def comedy jam stopped in carson city last night where the president showed that he knows what matters to americans most right now. And that, of course, is dishwashers. Dish washers, they had a problem, they didnt have enough water so people would run them ten times so they end up using more water and the things no damn good, we freed it up, you can buy a dish washer and it comes out, beautiful, go buy a dish washer. Jimmy take it from a man whos never washed a dish in his life. I think he thinks this makes him relatable to women, because he talked about dishwashers for a long time. So whats the problem with your dish washer . Well, they dont give us any water. It would be nice to have enough water. Whats the problem . We need more water, not that much, i said, how much you need . Do you want more . I would love more. I will give you more, you have so much more that you dont know what to do with it. Now the dish wash ers are incredible, they work beautifully. Jimmy what a speech. It was his spaghettisburg address. And then, after a good chunk of dishwasher talk, he moved on to his other favorite topic, water pressure in the shower and the terrible choice we now face, which is should we wash our hands to protect us from covid . Or take a shower and die ifsomebody said you could have 42 gallons a person, i think a day. It sounds like a lot of water, right . Its not, its like a quick shower and wash your hands. Then they have a mandate, wash your hands at all times. You must always constantly what . They say 42 gallons. They say, wait a minute, okay, i got a deal. I will not take a shower for the next couple of weeks but i will wash no, its true. So 42 gallons, sounds like a lot, but its really not. The friend of mine has a massive house, he said that im not going to be able to take a shower. Gorgeous house, cant take a shower. Jimmy oh no. Your poor dirty, wealthy friend. Lets get back to church to pray for him and his massive house. Its such a weird thing to keep coming back to. Showers, toilets, dishwashers and sinks are a regular part of his live appearance routine. It feels very random, but if theres one thing we know about trump hes always promoting, and it would seem that his backup plan for the next four years might be in the world of Household Appliances and repair. Looking for top notch aappliance and home repairs . Call handy don. Im the only one that can fix it. Handy don can handle any home repairs. Dishwashers, sinks, toilets, light bulbs. Washers and dyers and what about showers . Can you fix those . Sinks, showers and toilets. All work is done by the remember for president personally. I can fix it myself with a wrench. His tiny hands are perfect for delicate repair jobs. We can fix it so fast. How fast . Fast, fast, naft. He may have been a president , but he can make your home great again. I guarantee it. So why waity . Call handy don now. No hablo espanole, don jr. And eric may tag along, other restrictions apply. Jimmy weve got a great show for you tonight. Emma roberts is with us. Weve got music from ozuna featuring doja cat and all the way from kazakhstan, live in person, borat is here. Well be right back with borat leggo a big mac medium fries. And an oreo mcflurry. There you go. The j balvin meal. Get it on the mcdonalds app and the mcflurry is on me. Im lovin it get it on the mcdonalds app and the mcflurry is on me. Goldwe believe intriana good we can all afford. Sing it, yeah, yeah from a lighter load on the planet. All gold to e to shoes with a lighter footprint. Yeah, good to me the new iphone 12 pro with 5g meets verizon 5g ultra wideband. Remember when the song of the summer took the whole summer to download . But these gs dont blink. phone chimes remember when the only way multiplayer gaming worked was with wifi . Boom legendary fast with verizon 5g. Remember when i told you to clean your room . Nope. chris 5g just got real. Pow 5g ultra wideband. Now in more and more cities. Vicks vapopatch. Easy to wear with soothing vicks vapors for her, for you, for the whole family. Trusted soothing vapors, from vicks awith your next new vehicle . What kind of value are you looking for with subaru, you get Kelley Blue Books 2020 best resale value brand, 2020 lowest 5year cost to own brand, and most trusted brand for six consecutive years. No wonder Kelley Blue Book also picked subaru as their 2020 best overall brand. A trusted brand and a proven value. Its easy to love a subaru. Get 0 apr financing for 63 months on select new 2020 models, now through november 2nd. Has been amazing. Its not just a work environment. Everyone here is family. Thank you jimmy welcome back. Tonight on the show, emma roberts is with us. And later, his album is called enoc, with help from doja cat, music from ozuna. Tomorrow night, join us with Michael Keaton and blackpink. Our first guest is a celebrated kazakh journalist and fashion icon who has traveled to america just in time for election day. His second fulllength documentary, borat subsequent moviefilm delivery of prodigious bribe to american regime for make benefit once glorious nation of kazakhstan. Premiers october 23rd, that is friday on amazon prime video. Please say hello to borat sagdiyev. Hello, how are you, welcome. What, what have you in that canister, borat . Uh, i have very great news. Kazakhstan Intelligence Services have made discovery that theres a virus, it come from a place called wuhan, which is this in i see reca which is in israel, h is no surprise. They are spreading everything. Are you talking about the coronavirus . Yes. Okay, yeah. It spread from the you know whos. Yeah, i actually dont worry, no problem. Dont think it came from israel. Theres one oh, no. Yes, theres one. You know, they are not theres one. They are not necessarily something that you can, you can pound to death. The virus yes. Is microscopically small. Yes. No, no. There it is. Why do i feel like no, no, no, its fine. No, one there. All right. Borat. Hold on, hold on, no, i see one. The green dot, careful, he run away. He run away he is a coward. The coronavirus is a coward. He come back, i say come on come on i take you coward coward coronavirus. Borat thank you for being here. Its really a pleasure. Thank you. To have you here. Thank you. Did you get tested before . Did i i do not feel comfortable starting this interview until i have done basic questionnaire. Oh. Health. For me . To make sure that you are safe. Okay, all right. On oh, this is a real questionnaire. Okay, all right. Health questionnaire, normal kazak plague questionnaire, in the last week have you been in the presence for more than 15 minutes of any jews . Yes. All of our writers and none of our camera guys are jews. Yes. Is that bad . That is one. And your diet, as member of hollywood elite, have you recently drunk any unpasturized childrens blood. No. Any pizza parlors recently . No. And i need the names and addresses of the last 12 prostitutes you have been with. I will have to get back with you. Why, there are more . Yeah. And were any of them women . No . Yes, i did not think so. Okay. Yes. And what is your favorite position to make sexy time . What does that have to do with the virus . Nothing. I just want to know, im a fan. Oh, okay. I want to imagine you swing, swing, yes, this is catch phrase. The answer is laying on my back like a seal. You made it with a seal. No i didnt. Naughty, naughty, dont eat the seal or the penguins. Are there any, are there any womens in your family with a history of illness such as talking . Talking . Yes. Oh, yes. Its rife with talking in my family, yes. Very bad, okay. Now we can start interview. Okay. Good. After we have finished the physical examination. Oh, no. Really . Its a very quick. It is like temperature check. What is that . This is thermometer. That goes where . Yes, in your, in your rear, in your rear hole. Yeah, no. Your back your back yeah, no. What a problem, why are you being so resistant . You have something to hide i think . No. Okay. I just it doesnt look clean. It is very clean, i just had it in my back oh, i am jimmy kimmels, im too hottytotty, typical hollywood elite, no wonder doesnt like you . Did you take on it the plane with you from kazakhstan. I did not come in a plane . I came in a boat. Very simple, very simple. Yes. As everyone knows the first symptom of coronavirus is a green crumb. A what . A green crumb. Your testes satchel is green . Is it green . Not that i know. I must inspect. I must inspect. Turn around. How does that tell you if its green . I must remove. Its fine. It is fine. Be careful, please. Its fine, i have him, i have him. Careful, relax. All right. Relax. Yeah, i know. Pull back your jacket. Dont be ashamed. Pull back your jacket. It is fine. Hold on, relax. Why are you scared . You have something to hide . You have something to hide . Yes come here. Wow, you have some grip. Yes, yes. Now suddenly im powerless. Yes, its the you that will control the media and its the kazak that controls the latenight host. All right, that is. Yes. Okay, fine, fine. I dont know how you know its green from that. Okay. We will go ahead. And very last thing. Just quickly, make liquid release in this cup. What . No. It is fine. This one is hold on. Yeah, they dont this one here is from conan. Oh, you have conans what is that had . And this one is from fallons. I didnt do an interview with me, he just gave it to me. He is very nice. You need one of those for me . Yes, you can put yours on top of conans. Im sure its not the first time your sperm has been mixed. Oh, right. Well why dont we do it in the commercial break. Yes, please, please, please, start your interview. Borborat is here, we will be right back. Its following your passion to bto the very top. And setting the standard by which all who follow, will be measured. Tequila herradura, the worlds most gold medal awarded tequila. Woman 1 get your woman 2 you can stay healthy and fill it out from the safety of home. Surfer or you can fill it out anywhere. Man 1 its easy to mail it back. You dont even need a stamp. Man 2 or you can use an official drop box. Woman 3 you can even drop it off at the polls. Man 3 then, track it to confirm your county got it. See . They got it woman 4 mail ballots are the simple, safe, and secure way to ensure that your vote is counted. But i cant say i expected this. Because it was easy. To fight these fires, we need funding plain and simple. For this crisis, and for the next one. Prop 15 closes tax loopholes so rich corporations pay their fair share of taxes. So firefighters like me, have what we need to do the job, and to do it right. The big corporations want to keep their tax loopholes. Its what they do. Well, i do what i do. If yould like to help, join me and vote yes on prop 15. Its following your passion to bto the very top. And setting the standard by which all who follow, will be measured. Tequila herradura, the worlds most gold medal awarded tequila. Is there anything else i can help you with . Thats it. I want this one with the baby be on it. This is our little secret. Welcome. Okay what are you doing with that . Oh. Oh . What . Got the baby doctor. I have a baby inside me. Hmmm. And i want to take it out of me. Hmmm. Right. She want it out now, please. Right. Can you take it out . No, we cannot, what you say, take it out. You end that life. That life will die. Well, it already dead. It not living. No, it is a living breathing life that god has created. I dont think he is breathing. We can show you that its breathing. I feel bad because i was the one who put the baby in her. You dont need to feel bad. I was just trying to give my daughter pleasure and next thing i know theres a baby inside her. Hmmm. You keep ca