Tonights debate was not the wrestlemania event most people were expecting. I think maybe somebody swapped trumps adderall out for tylenol. Donald trump, by the way, is the only president who gets marks for good behavior. [ laughter ] like when you bring a 2yearold on a plane. He tried very hard to resemble a human being tonight. The topics for this debate were american families, race in america, fighting covid19, climate change, national security, and dipping sauces. [ laughter ] the president requested the last one. Unfortunately for trump, he knows very little about any of these subjects. The only thing destructive could have really won this debate is if the topics were squandering your inheritance, shower head pressure, and combing your hair like this. [ applause ] i thought the moderate der a veg job, Kristin Welker handled them well. One of the reasons the president is so hard to wrangle is he just makes things up. Trump has been averaging, someone counted this, up, more than 50 false statements a day. Most people dont even make 50 statements a day. It would be almost impossible to lie 50 times. Youd have to start lying as soon as you wake up. But hes good at it. Its really what he does best. The president s advisers were tonight begging him to be more likeable, which its like asking boba fett to smile more. I have to admit, he was funny, he did get off some good lines. As far as my relationships with all people, i think i have great relationships with all people. I am the least racist person in this room. [ laughter ] jimmy all right, okay. Give him credit where its due. Only donald trump can look at a halfblack, halfnative american moderator and say, im the least racist person in this room. He is an increasingly angry and belligerent man, we know that. The Debate Commission kept things in check by adding the mute button and it worked. The candidates were given two minutes of what was supposed to be uninterrupted time. You know trump always finds a way to work himself in. If you just wore these masks, the president s own advisers told him, we could save 100,000 lives. Were in a circumstance where the president thus far still has no plan, no comprehensive plan. What i would do is make sure we have jimmy all right, he didnt speak. Tonight we saw Melania Trump for the first time in like three weeks. And we wont see her again until moving day, probably. [ laughter ] after the debate, melania tried to take the mute button home. [ laughter ] its hard to believe, but donald trump still hasnt released his tax returns. Those tax returns he hadnt released last time he was running for president , he still hasnt released them. But i think were going to get to see them pretty soon. Whats going on here . Release your tax returns or stop talking about corruption. President trump, your response . First of all, i called my accountants, under order, im going to release them as soon as we can. I want to do it and it will show how successful, how great this company is. Jimmy he called his accountants. Theyre very busy at h r block this time of year. [ laughter ]. Jimmy if this country were a company right now, it would be radio shack. Were going to see three avatar satisfy quells before we see those tax returns. Biden called on trump to own up to his many egregious mistakes when it comes to the virus, and he almost kind of did. You say i take no responsibility. I take full responsibility. Its not my fault that it came here, its chinas fault. [ laughter ] jimmy i take full responsibility for not being responsible. Thats what they call a youa culpa. So much nonsense. His defense of putting children in cages, you should see how nice these cages are. Honestly. Joe biden took the week off to gear up for tonights debate, whereas the president warmed himself up by going after lesley stahl. At first when i saw trump and stahl trending on twitter, i assumed he got stuck on the toilet. It turned out to be the lady from 60 minutes. Tuesday trump got angry and cut his interview with lesley stahl short. Today he released the full interview, the dictators cut, if you will. They had their own cameras rolling at the white house. I guess they wanted to take cbs ratings away, so they beat them to the punch. Why he would want more people to see this, i dont know. Heres how mr. Tough guy got going. Are you ready for some tough questions . Youre going to be fair. Im going to be fair. Just be fair. But last time i remember you saying to me, bring it on, bring it on. No, im not looking for that, im looking for fairness. Youre going to get fairness. But youre okay with some tough yes . No, im not. Youre not okay with tough questions . You dont ask biden tough questions. Jimmy such a child. Nothing is fair, everyones against him. His parents really did a number on this one. Thanks again, fred and mary trump. [ applause ] and the back and forth with lesley stahl, it didnt get much better from there. I didnt want to have this kind of of course you did. No, i didnt. Of course you did. No, i didnt. You brought up a lot of subjects that were inappropriate i said id ask you tough questions. They were inappropriate right from the beginning. Your first question was, this is going to be tough questions. It is. Well, your first statement youre president. Dont you think you should be accountable to the American People no, your first statement, this is going to be tough questions. Well, i dont mind that. But you set up the interview, you didnt say that. [ laughter ] jimmy you know, if i had known you were going to ask tough questions, i would have done the interview with mario lopez instead. [ laughter ] he was supposed to then stick around for a joint interview with mike pence, but he bailed on that and left the vice poodle by himself. You have to hand it to mike pence, this is a man who is masterful when it comes to kissing an ass. So what just happened . With the president . Lesley, President Trump is a man who speaks his mind. I think its one of the great strengths that hes had. But he as president of the united states, is that the American People always know where they stand, and hes always ready to make the case for the American People and the case for the progress that weve made over the last 3 1 2 years. Jimmy good boy. Very good boy. I am completely fascinated with mike pence. For a not very interesting guy, hes so interesting. So we got in touch with his team, and they hooked us believe it or not, we have a very special guest tonight. Id like you to welcome the Vice President of the united states. Hello, mr. Pence. [ cheers and applause ] hello, jimmy, pleasure to be here. You leftist antifa son of a gun. Jimmy thank you for joining us. Did you watch the debate tonight . Yes, of course. I watched it at home with my wife, who i call mother. My actual mommy was there too. And i believe my dad was looking down on us with father god. Jimmy oh, okay. We got a call afterwards from daddy, which is my nickname for the president. So i put him on speaker and me, my wife, mother, mommy, dad, and father god listened to daddy talk about how great he was. Jimmy well, that sounds confusing is what it sounds like. It was very confusing. Ended beautifully with me and mother lying in our twin beds six feet apart. Jimmy for social distancing . No, no. The six feet are to leave room for the lord. Real americans, jimmy, dont live like you godless caligulans in hollyweird, sharing a futon with george and amaul clooney. Jimmy its amal. You say amal, i say amal. I say annal, you say, i believe, anal. Jimmy lets stay on the subject. The debate was important. As of right now, you and the president are not polling well, particularly with africanamerican voters. Wrong, jimbo, wrong. We actually just received some major, major endorsements from prominent leaders in the black community. Have you heard of 50 cents . Jimmy yes. Its 50 cent, 50 cent. Ice tray . Jimmy ice cube, but yes. Is that a fly . Yes, sorry, ive got a lot of vermin hanging around here. Jimmy my gosh, thats really kind of gross. What is oh my god. This is a little butter bug. Jimmy oh, wow. Chicken, i got chicken jimmy what the hell . Why is why is this stuff on you all the time . The president insists i keep a sloppy joe in my pocket in case he gets peckish. Never wants to be more than five feet from a snackiepoo. Jimmy i want to ask about the pandemic, cases surging in 38 states. Coronavirus, ha, what a crazy time that was. Remember when we were washing our fingers all the time . Glad thats behind us. Jimmy but its not behind us. Its still going on. Wrong again. Not only has coronavirus been eradicated from the earth, the space force has just blown it out of the cosmos. Astronauts can now take their masks off on the moon. Jimmy no, they can thought do that, they should definitely thought do that. Yes, they can. Jimmy yeah, well, no they cant. I do want to thank you for your time tonight, mr. Vice president. It was my pleasure. We may disagree on many things, but there is one thing i know we both agree on with aller er al hearts. On november 3rd, dont forget to throw your ballots in the river. Jimmy okay, thank you. Toss them in. Jimmy thank you, mr. Vice president , i appreciate it call me penny. Jimmy i will call you penny. Thank you, penny. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy did you know that mike pence, did you know he was born without a neck . Guillermo oh, wow. Jimmy its an incredible story, actually. The election is now, what, 11 days away. And already theres been foreign meddling from russia, which we expected, but also from iran. Where the hell did they come from . Iran . Nobody expected this is like on the bachelorette when nick showed up out of nowhere to try to win kaitlin back. [ laughter ] by the way, barack obama is back too. Barack obama headlined a drivein rally for his former Vice President yesterday. He was great. Its been quite some time since we saw the former president at a rally. And it was very different from the rallies given by our current president. So we thought it would be instructive and maybe even fun to compare and contrast. Man, it is good to be back in pennsylvania. This is a big crowd. What we do these next 13 days will matter for decades to come. 13 days, can you believe it . He might not know what working people are going through here in pennsylvania. Then i said to the people in the planes, got more Television Sets than any plane in history. Right now you can vote for my friend joe biden. Sleepy joe biden. Joe learned early on to treat everybody he meets with dignity and respect. Did crazy nancy go crazy . And the swamp creatures. Were not going to have a president that goes out of his way to insult anybody who doesnt support him. Adam schiff, this guy, the watermelon head. Really dumb people, these clowns. Crazy birds. Birds. Birds. Bir po pocahont pocahontas. Or threaten them with jail. Lock her up. Lock them up cruel, divisive, racist. Sean hannity. The grate lou dobbs. Laura. Lou dobbs has been great. This president wants full credit for the economy he inherited. Under my administration we built the greatest economy in the history of the world. Zero blame for the pandemic that he ignored. This is the china plague, the china virus. America is a good and decent place. Weve just seen so much noise. Boom boom boom. And nonsense. Wiggle waggle. Im asking you to remember what this country can be. Theyll open the floodgates to radical islamic terrorism. What its like when we treat each other with respect and dignity. Every one of them had a hand on a different part of my body. Lets bring this home. I love you, philadelphia. The American Dream is dead. Jimmy oh, i think i might vote for obama now. [ applause ] the big guns are coming out. Were less than two weeks away from the election. Theres more than just the presidency on the line, theres so many atrocities coming out of this white house every day its easy to get distracted. I want to bring us back to focus on something we cant afford to forget, and that is health care. The vast majority of this country agrees that Health Insurance should cover americans with preexisting conditions. But the republican party, and that includes the president and members of congress, the only plan they have is to do away with protections for preexisting conditions. If theyre allowed to do that, millions of people are going to suffer. This is not a partisan issue. 4 of 5 americans want this. Democrats and republicans. Twothirds of republicans want this. But the vast majority of republicans in office dont. They say they do, theyll tell you they do, but their actions say the opposite. So my wife, molly, made a video that deals with our experience when it comes to preexisting conditions. Wed like you to watch this and pass it around to anyone who may have forgotten what this election is really about. Were going to be doing a Health Care Plan very strongly and protect people with preexisting conditions. Jimmy you know what to do. Weve got a fun show for you tonight. Jay pharoah is with us. We have music from luav with conan gray. Be right back with Octavia Spencer. 5g just got real. Iphone 12 and iphone 12 pro are here on verizon 5g. Whoo this new iphone, plus verizon 5g. Game changer. announcer with the coverage of 5g nationwide, and, in more and more cities, the performance of 5g ultra wideband, the fastest 5g in the world. Whoa. 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Prop 22 doesnt help their drivers it denies them benefits. 22 doesnt help women. It actually weakens Sexual Harassment laws, which are meant to protect them. Uber and lyft arent even required to investigate Sexual Harassment claims. I agree with the la times no on 22. Uber and lyft want all the power. So, show them the real power is you. Vote no on prop 22. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Tonight on the show, jay pharoah is with us, which is almost like having barack obama on the show with us. Then later, his song is called fake, music from luav with conan gray. Next week bill maher will be with us, chris evans will be with us, louis partridge, Anne Hathaway, gillian jacobs. David letterman will join us. And well have music from Perfume Genius, 24k golden with iann dior, gracie abrams, and her. Our first guest is an oscar and golden globewinning actress and delightful human. You can see her costarring alongside Anne Hathaway and many more in the just in time for Halloween Movie the witches. It premieres exclusively on hbo max. Please welcome Octavia Spencer. Hello. Jimmy corded headphones, youre going oldschool. Id lose the little ones that arent attached so this way i know where they are. Jimmy i think ive lost a couple in my head. [ laughter ] at least three of them rattling around in my brain. Did you watch the debate tonight 92. I did watch the debate tonight. Jimmy youre a big trump supporter, i know. [ laughter ] well, i dont like to say bad things about anybody, so i better let that go. Jimmy what did you think . It was better than the last one, right, for sure. It was better than the last one, but we also now have a very low standard. Jimmy yes, we do. [ applause ] i think the fact that this show is on television proves that. How old were you the first time you voted . Was it right away . I was 18. Jimmy 18, yeah. Yeah. My mom had aspirations for me to either be a doctor or a lawyer, then on to be a judge. Jimmy oh, wow. Yeah. Jimmy thats what mom had planned for you . Was she disappointed . Well she passed away. So i think she had to help me fulfill my dreams. Because, you know, who wants to go to law school . Jimmy sorry, mom. I won an oscar. [ laughter ] and were you one of those kids that was politically involved, like interested in all that stuff . I loved it. I mean, i was part of the congressional youth council. And we went to d. C. And one of the things that you got to do was go to congress, watch congress in session, then meet your state rep. But i didnt want to meet my state rep, i wanted to meet ted kennedy. Jimmy oh. So yeah, but that was against the rules, but i kind of broke the rules and snuck into jimmy how did you sneak into ted kennedys office . Not well. I basically waited for the alabama youth to leave, then i found his office. And walked in. Was like, im here to see my state rep. Because im from alabama. I didnt realize my accent would give me away. His secretary was like, where are you from . And i thought i had met some kids from massachusetts. And i thought, well, uh they said, newkirk . Newton . I said, newkirk. Basically, long story short, his secretary literally could have turned me in, because that was so against the rules. But instead, i didnt get to see ted, but she gave me a massachusetts state pen. I got a pen. The thing about that pen, though, is everybody thought that i got to meet ted kennedy. Jimmy i see. And thats whats most important, right . [ applause ] exactly. Jimmy are you back working now . Have you been able to get back to work . I started