Tv, emptied on our door, which is not great, but whatever, not a big deal. But then im looking at it and im wondering, how did it hit at that angle . Did the bird come in sideways, like it was sliding into second base . How did this get there . And thats when i realized that the pigeon guano was coming from inside the door it was inside. I still dont know how it happened. From a physics standpoint, it doesnt make any sense. I guess logic tells me that the door must have been open and the bird somehow edged over and did that thing birds love doing to us, the revenge of the birds, but the door wasnt really open. For a moment i had to think, is it possible that this came out of me . Maybe i sneezed or something . I mean, to hit the glass at that trajectory, theres only one bird in the world that could make that shot and hes retired. He hasnt crapped on a window in years. Anyway, i dont know how this happened, but i know it was a bird. It must live in the area. My plan now is to find that birds nest and go number two in it. But it was good luck for the dodgers. Did you watch the game last night, guillermo . Yes, i did, yes. Jimmy hometown Los Angeles Dodgers came back to win a game seven thriller. They beat a strong Atlanta Braves team to advance to the world series for the third time in four years. They will take on the Tampa Bay Rays starting tomorrow night in arlington, texas. Theyve been holding the playoffs at a neutral site because of the pandemic. So this is how the fans in l. A. Are celebrating. They had a drivein watch party at Dodger Stadium last night. You pull up with your car, they sut up a video screen so fans can watch kind of together. Tickets to sit in the parking lot are 75 to bring your car. Thats right. This quarantine has gone on so long, people in l. A. Are now willing to pay 75 to get back in a traffic jam. Speaking of dodgers, President Trump has been all over the west place lately. He had a Campaign Fundraiser down the freeway in Newport Beach yesterday and he was in las vegas and what do you do when youre in vegas . You go to church just in time for early voting, trump made his annual visit to church yesterday. He went to something called the International Church of las vegas. There he is getting ready for the collection basket, he counted out you can see he counts out 100. Yes, he wants to make sure he has that. Fresh, clean bills. Turned out it wasnt a collection basket. What they sent around was a plastic collection bucket. Here it comes. There you go. He made his First Charitable donation of the year, so congratulations. Or was it . Lets slow that down and take a look at that again here right at the moment where he oh my goodness why, that son of a gun, he pulled the old switcheroo on jesus the president has been giving his worshippers lots of opportunities to see him live and in person. On saturday, trump was in janesville, wisconsin, where he lamented the challenges of running against what he considers to be an unworthy opponent. If crazy joe becomes president , its not even conceivable. No, no, running against him. It put such pressure. Because im running the worst in the history of president ial, now if i lose, can you imagine . If i lose, i will have lost to the worst candidate, the worst candidate in the history of president ial politics if i lose, what do i do . Jimmy you go to jail. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 million. This was good too. Newsmax had to preempt its irregular programming to air one of these gumball rallies of trump. But it would seem that someone forgot to change the title in the channel guide because his speech was listed under the title, the life of adolph hitler, rise of the demon. The hitler family is furious. [ laughter ] they are talking about suing. The president has been going a mile a minute lately, so we slowed him down to half speed for tonights edition of drunk donald trump. [ playing tape slowly ] first lady has a darling in the most handsome president , and i said, first lady, am i the most handsome president ever . Yes, absolutely. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy does anyone believe melania said any of that . He likes to call her first lady because it sounds better than third wife. [ moans and applause ] jimmy meanwhile, cases of covid are going way up all over the country. Some experts believe that the next six to twelve weeks are going to be the darkest of the pandemic so far. Turns out, we werent supposed to gather in a water park with 3,000 drunken stranges. And of course, as many states are bracing for the third peak of the virus, the president is busy attacking dr. Fauci. Trump repeatedly attacked dr. Fauci today. He called him an idiot. He said if hed listened to dr. Fauci, wed have 700,000 or 800,000 deaths. He called him a disaster. And he said he likes him. A few times. He hates him but he likes him. He is definitely jealous of all the positive attention dr. Fauci gets which he wouldnt even get, by the way, if trump didnt constantly contradict him. I dont know why donald trump still thinks he can ignore this virus and it will go away, that strategy didnt work with don jr. And eric, and it isnt going to work here. [ laughter ] the boss baby was probably triggered by dr. Faucis appearance on 60 minutes last night. Dr. John lapook asked about a deceptive and brazenly manipulated campaign ad of trumps that fauci has repeatedly asked the president s team to pull. I cant imagine that anybody could be doing more. Stunning reporter fauci says his words were taken out of context but this week the ad continued to run in key battleground states. I was referring to something entirely different, i was referring to the grueling work of the task force, knocking ourselves out seven days a week, i dont think we could possibly have done any more than that. Did the steam come out of your ears . It did. Frankly, i got ticked off. Jimmy thats why they call him fouch the grouch. Normally when a guy in a turtleneck is that ticked off, its because the planetarium closed early. [ laughter ] its crazy that at the same time trump is calling fauci a disaster and an idiot hes running commercials to make it seem like dr. Fauci said hes doing a great job. Meanwhile, dr. Birx is somewhere out there hiding under a pile of scarves hoping she doesnt get dragged into this too. Trump has reportedly been keeping tabs on any republicans who have the temerity to speak out against him. So far its a very short list. Not many of them have had the courage to criticize the president or even to defend dr. Fauci. But this was a feather in the president s red cap. He picked up a rare and major hollywood endorsement this weekend from a former dancing with the stars runnerup. Kirstie alley wrote, im voting for donald trump because hes not a politician. I voted for him four years ago for this reason and shall vote for him again for this reason. He gets things done quickly and he will turn the economy around quickly. There you have it, folks, there you have it. She included an emoji that includes rolling its eyes at her tweet. What do you think she means by gets things done . Yells and watches tv . I always liked diane better anyway. Ill be honest sorry, rebecca. [ laughter and applause ] there are new details about how much money donald trump owes and the answer is a lot more than we thought. According to forbes, the president will have to pay back 900 million worth of loans over the next four years. If trump is reelected they might have to foreclose on the white house. [ laughter ] im not sure where hes planning to get money like that, but i did notice, the price of his hats has gone up. [ laughter ] can we please just fast forward to the point where trump is doing cameo messages for 85 . [ laughter ] the president is totally off the rails right now. The tone def comedy jam stopped in carson city last night where trump showed that he knows what matters to americans most right now, and that, of course, is dishwashers. Dishwashers, they had a little problem, they didnt have enough water so people would run them like ten times so they ended up using more water. The things no damn good. We freed it up. You can buy a dish washer and it comes out, beautiful, go buy a dishwasher. Jimmy take it from a man whos never washed a dish in his life. I think he thinks this makes him relatable to women, because he talked about dishwashers for a long time. So whats the problem with your dishwasher . Well, they dont give us any water. It would be nice to have enough water. Whats the problem . We need more water, not that much, i said, how much you need . Would you like more . Id love more. Ill give you more, youll have so much water you wont know what to do with it. Gave them what they need, now the dishwashers are incredible, they work beautifully. Jimmy what a speech. It was his spaghettisburg address. And then, after a good chunk of dishwasher talk, he moved on to his other favorite topic, water pressure in the shower and the terrible choice we now face, which is should we wash our hands to protect us from covid . Or take a shower and die . If somebody said you could have 42 gallons a person, i think a day, sounds like a lot of water, right . Its not. Its like a quick shower and lets wash your hands. Then they have a mandate, wash your hands at all times you must always, constantly what . They say 42 gallons. They say, wait a minute, okay, i got a deal. I wont take a shower for the next couple of weeks but i will wash no, its true. So 42 gallons, sounds like a lot, but its really not. Friend of mine has a massive house, he said that im not going to be able to take a shower. I live in a house, this gorgeous house, cant take a shower. Jimmy oh, no. Your poor dirty, wealthy friend. [ laughter ] lets get back to church to pray for him and his massive house. Its such a weird thing to keep coming back to. The showers, the toilets, dishwashers, sinks. Theyve now become a regular part of his live appearance routine. It feels very random, but if theres one thing we know about donald trump, its that hes always promoting. It would seem that his backup plan for the next four years might be in the world of Household Appliances and repair. Looking for topnotch appliance and home repairs . Call handy don. Im the only one that can fix it. Handy don can handle any home repairs. Dishwashers, sinks, toilets, lightbulbs. Washers and dryers . They have forget your washers, your dryers. What about showers . Can you fix those . Sinks, showers and toilets. All work is done by the former president personally. I can fix it myself with a wrench. His tiny hands are perfect for delicate repair jobs. We can fix it so fast. How fast . Fast, fast, fast. He may have been a [ bleep ] president , but he can make your home great again. I guarantee it. So why wait . Call handy don now. No hablo espanol. Work may be done by immigrants. Don jr. And eric may tag along, other restrictions apply. Jimmy weve got a great show for you tonight. Emma roberts is with us. Weve got music from ozuna featuring doja cat and all the way from kazakhstan, live in person, borat is here. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with borat alexa, tell roomba to vacuum in front of the couch. Experience clean in a whole new way. Now roomba offers you personalized cleaning suggestions and vacuums exactly where you need it. By getting to know you and your home, roomba makes cleaning easier than ever before. So say goodbye to cleaning and hello to clean. Hey google, tell roomba to vacuum the dining room table. Roomba and the irobot home app. Only from irobot. Roomba and the irobot home app. I like big jeans. Ittybitty jeans. Feelin trendy yall, with the straight jeans showin off those curves, cause you the queen everyone go slay in your Old Navy Jeans welcome to denim america. With fits for the whole fam. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, theres another prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. Its not for everyone. Descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. Talk to your doctor to find out if its right for you. Step up. For health and body. Prep up for your one and only love or many loves. 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Ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. Words are loud but actions are louder. Step up. Prep up. With descovy for prep. Get help paying for descovy for prep. Learn more at stepupprepup. Com iphone 12 and iphone 12 pro are here on verizon 5g. This new iphone plus verizon 5g. Game changer. vo with the coverage of 5g nationwide and in more and more cities, the performance of 5g ultra wideband, the fastest 5g in the world. Whoa. I downloaded a whole movie in under 30 seconds, how is that possible . vo now get iphone 12 on us when you switch. I want this phone. vo this is the 5g phone Everyone Wants on the 5g americas been waiting for. Only on verizon. Goldwe believe intriana good we can all afford. Sing it, yeah, yeah from a lighter load on the planet. All gold to e to shoes with a lighter footprint. Yeah, good to me but i cant say i expected this. Because it was easy. To fight these fires, we need funding plain and simple. For this crisis, and for the next one. Prop 15 closes tax loopholes so rich corporations pay their fair share of taxes. So firefighters like me, have what we need to do the job, and to do it right. The big corporations want to keep their tax loopholes. Its what they do. Well, i do what i do. If yould like to help, join me and vote yes on prop 15. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Tonight on the show, emma roberts will be with us. And later, his album is called enoc, with help from doja cat, music from ozuna. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, join us with Michael Keaton and blackpink. Our first guest is a celebrated kazakh journalist and fashion icon who has traveled to america just in time for election day. His second fulllength documentary, borat subsequent moviefilm delivery of prodigious bribe to american regime for make benefit once glorious nation of kazakhstan premieres october 23rd, thats friday, on Amazon Prime Video please say hello to borat [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hello there, how are you . Welcome. What, what have you in that canister, borat . Uh, i have very great news. Kazakhstan Intelligence Services have make discovery this morning that there is a veerrus. It come from a place called wuhan, which is in israel. [ laughter ] yes, no surprise. They are spreading everything. Jimmy oh, no, youre saying an israeli virus . Are you talking about the coronavirus . Yes. Jimmy okay, yeah. It spread from the you know whos. [ laughter ] yeah, actually no problem, no problem jimmy i dont think it came from israel theres one. Theres one. Theres one. Jimmy you know, theyre not necessarily something that you can pound to death. The virus yes. Jimmy is microscopically small. Yes. Jimmy no, no. There it is. Jimmy why do i feel like no, no, its fine. One there. One there. Jimmy all right. Borat hold on, hold on. Jimmy ohoh. Hold on, i see one. The green dot. The green careful, he ran away. He ran away, he is a coward this coronavirus is a coward he come back, i say come on come on i take you coward coward coronaveerrus jimmy borat, thank you for being here. Thank you. Thank you. Jimmy its a pleasure to have you here. Thank you. Jimmy did you get tested before did i dy get i do not feel comfortable starting this interview until i have done basic questionnaire. Jimmy oh. Health. Jimmy for me . To make sure that you are safe. Jimmy oh, okay, all right. Oh, this is a real questionnaire, okay, all right. Health questionnaire, normal kazak plague questionnaire. In the last week, have you been in the presence for more than 15 minutes of any jews . [ laughter ] jimmy yes. All of our writers and none of our camera guys are jews. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy is that bad . This is bad. That is one. And your diet. As a member of hollywood elite, have you recently drunk any unpasteurized childrens blood . Jimmy unpasteurized, no. No, i have not. Really . Jimmy yeah, no. Not in any pizza parlors recently . Jimmy no, no, i have the pizza delivered to the house i am surprised. And for the contact tasing i ne tracing i need the names and addresses of the last 12 prostitutes you have been with. Jimmy ill have to get back to you why, there are more . Jimmy yeah were any of them women . Jimmy uh yes, i did not think so gl. Jimmy yeah. What is your favorite position to make sexy time . Jimmy what does that have to do with the virus . Nothing. I just have to know. I have to imagine you. [ cheers and applause ] swing, swing yes, yes . Its a catch phrase. Jimmy the answer is, laying on my back like a seal, yeah. You make it with a seal . [ laughter ] naughtynaughty dont eat the seal or the penguins. Jimmy yeah. Are there any womens in your family with a history of illness, such as talking . [ laughter ] jimmy talking . Yes. Jimmy oh, yes. Its rife with talking in my family, yes. Very bad, okay. Now we can start interview. Jimmy okay, good. Now that we have finished the physical examination jimmy really . Very quick, well make Temperature Check jimmy what is that . This is thermometer. Jimmy oh, great. That goes where . Just in your in your rear in your rear hole. Jimmy yeah, no. Go [ bleep ]. Go [ bleep ]. What the problem . Why are you being resistant . You have something to hide . Jimmy no, i i just it doesnt look clean. It is very clean. I just had it in my back [ bleep ]. Oh, i have the 1 , jimmy kimmel, i am too hoity toity to have the borat tunnel. Hollywood elite. No wonder trump dont like you. Jimmy did you take that on the plane with you from kazakhstan . Did i take this on the plane . Jimmy yeah. I didnt come by plane. Jimmy oh, you didnt . In a boat.