To win is because he lost. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and those dont go together. But ill tell you something. Theres no room for pessimism in the white house. Raceively, sexism, yes, but no pessimism. [ laughter ] the big orange guy is said to be feeling blue. Poutus is reportedly dejected and fuming. [ laughter ] and soon hes going to understand what it feels like to be evicted from your home in the middle of a pandemic. [ laughter ] we got a brief glimpse of the president yesterday at Arlington National cemetery, but he hasnt spoken in public since a week ago. This was the president s schedule today. 12 30, he had lunch with the vice president. And that was that. [ laughter ] does he know that hes still president for two more months . Or is he just hiding . Boy, i would have loved to have been at that lunch. What do you think they talked about . Mike pence knows whats up. Hes sitting there going, yes, sir, well be here for four more years for sure. Its like going to your grandpa in the nursing home, mistakes you for one of his army buddies, you just go with it. [ laughter ] im not sure why but i looked at the president s twitter profile today. He hasnt tweeted much, but remember when donald trump used to follow 45 people because hes the 45th president . Look at how many people mike pence is following right now. Zoom in there, 47. Trump 45, biden 46, pence 47. You sneaky mom, you. [ laughter ] i dont know, maybe hell run against trump next time. Trump has been floating the idea that hed run again in 2024. And 2028. And 2032. Every election for the rest of our lives, well have a donald trump in it. Were never getting rid of this guy. Like herpes and the mcrib, hell just keep coming back. [ laughter and applause ] they say trump has been keeping busy watching more tv even than usual. Hes not enjoying it as much as usual. Hes been lashing out at fox news of all places ever since they called arizona for joe biden last week. This morning he launched a fullfrontal twitter assault on fox, retweeting things like, fox news is dead. Quite right, theyve been a disaster since the election day. Clearly corrupt media. Hey old fox news lovers, go to newsmax, last least theyre trying to be honest. Yeah, last least they are. [ laughter ] trump is encouraging his supporters to switch allegiance to these pure propaganda outlets where theyll never have to be bothered by anything that even resembles a fact ever again. It seems obvious hes planning to either start his own media platform or more likely partner with one of these lowrent wingnut factories who love him already. But in the meantime his children are trying to cheer him up. Ivanka tweeted, breaking, President Trump and Senate Republicans win alaska overwhelmingly and by a massive 20point spread, put ak in the books for real donald trump. If you put ak in the books, donald trump will never find it. [ laughter ] because he doesnt but the tweeter toddler did find it. He found it on twitter. He wrote, it took long enough, what is taking North Carolina so long . Are they looking for more ballots to fix that one also . Now with a recount we will win georgia also. Pennsylvania and michigan wouldnt let our poll workers and observers into counting rooms, illegal. To recap, if trump wins the state, it was fair, no problem. If he doesnt, it was fraud, we need a recount. The win in alaska earned him three electoral votes. Not enough to win the presidency. I think i have an idea that can make everyone happy. I know my ideas to make everyone happy never seem to make anyone happy. [ laughter ] follow me on this one. Why dont we just make him president of alaska . Hed love it. [ cheers and applause ] it even sounds like the names of his wives and daughters. Melania, ivana, ivanka, alaska. [ laughter ] hed for sure be the tannest person there. Hed like that. Think of plenty of wideopen spaces to build big ugly buildings and put your name on them. Donnie jr. Would have a lot of endangered species to shoot. And he could marry sarah palin. Shes like a melania who likes you, think about it. [ applause ] youd be surrounded by people who agree with you. Youll be able to see russia from your house. Its everything you could dream. Lets make him first president of the last frontier, alaska. Its big, its white, its melting down, and it has lots of crabs, just like donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] guillermo lets do it, yeah jimmy thank you, guillermo. Apparently trumps eldest spawn are at odds right now about how daddy should proceed. They say jared and ivanka would like him to play it cool. Whereas djtj and eric want him to blow it up. Ivanka is said to be concerned a fight to stay in office could tarnish her fathers legacy. I was expecting a bigger laugh there. [ laughter ] her fathers legacy is going to be a rusted halffinished section of wall on the border of arizona. [ laughter ] ivankas also worried that [ applause ] it could hurt the family business. The boys realize the main reason hes raising money to fight this fraud is to line his own pockets. Come on, ivanka, you get that, this is trump 101 right here. They say the last time the kids argued like this was when they fought over who got to shoot their injured polo pony. [ laughter ] but i have to say, what a neat little microcosm of america, that trumps actions are even tearing his own family apart. That seems just to me. Theres also belated discord among members of trumps own party now. Republicans have begun to ever so slightly remove their lips from his rectum. [ laughter ] several prominent gop senators, including sure caddie lindsey graham, have finally admitted joe biden should be getting the classified Intelligence Briefings that are usually shared with the president elect, for reasons of national security. Team trump has blocked bidens access to those briefings. And the state department is refusing to even hand over the messages biden has been getting from other world leaders. Theyre like, uh, sorry, theres no one here named joe biden, but i mean, he cant come to the phone right now. The important thing is, even as his electoral hopes fade, donald trump still has the support of his family and select hollywood elites like tv Hercules Kevin Sorbo and tv Chachi Scott Baio who got an exciting retweet from transform are trump today and said, thank you, scott, and stay tuned, you are terrific. This was the tweet the president appreciated from scott baio so much. Fun times at michaels, trump is still your president. You can see there a bunch of flag emojis with a photo of the words trump still your president spelled out in decorative candles at michaels. [ laughter ] for scott baios sake, i hope he didnt spend the day at michaels rearranging those himself. [ laughter ] thats too much. Also, can we please not politicize michaels . Crafting is my escape from all of this. [ laughter ] where does it end . Dont make me go to joann to retaliate with a no malarkey needlepoint, okay . [ laughter ] did you know they changed it from joanns fabrics to joann . Guillermo no, i didnt. Jimmy now you know. Guillermo i know, i know. Jimmy nobody knows. The pope congratulated joe biden today. So maybe he knows something. Otherwise, trumps new legal strategy is to try to stop states from certifying the results of the election. Which is just this would be like if jimmy butler was still sitting alone in the nba bubble hoping the refs overturned game six. Team trump set up another voter fraud hotline number that you can call to report voter fraud. I mentioned the other night the last one got a lot of prank calls. But please lets not put them through that again. [ laughter ] please, do not call this number. [ cheers and applause ] 2024994921. And engage in shenanigans. If you have something dumb to say, do not say it after calling 2024994921. Its not right. It was inappropriate. And operators are standing by. [ laughter ] we learned today that yet another member of trumps inner circle has tested positive for the coronavirus. This time, corey lewandowski. And im told that corey feels almost as awful as he is. [ laughter ] covid19 has now overtaken chlamydia as the disease youre most likely to catch from donald trump. [ laughter ] lewandowski was at Rudy Giulianis four seasons landscaping event on saturday. He was right there with him. How has rudy not gotten covid . Somebody needs to find out which animals blood hes drinking midnight on halloween. [ laughter ] it might have the vaccine it in. This would be exciting for trump, when he eventually goes home, kicking and screaming, to florida. Theyre building americas first regional hub for flying cars. So finally well be able to get a dui flying over a cracker barrel. [ laughter ] they say that within five years, youll be able to travel from orlando to tampa in 30 minutes. Why anyone would need to do that, i dont know. [ laughter ] but if you want to, you can. This seems like a bad idea. According to the department of highway safety, florida is the secondworst state in the nation for distracted driving accidents. How long you think it will be before someone is texting behind the wheel and flies into the epcot center . I guess well find out. A car . You understand this is a car that takes to the sky without the hassle of airport security, from the state that trained the 9 11 hijackers to fly. [ laughter ] no, thats not a joke, thats really happening. [ laughter ] this has been a crazy week. Sometimes it feels like were living in tents in a depressing cable tv drama like succession. Other times its funny. All this back and forth over who won the election feels more like a sitcom than real life. Two men who are equally determined to occupy this white house. A situation none of us have ever experienced before. We figured, why not make it a show . On november 3rd, President Donald Trump was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from the american people. Deep down, he knew they were right. But a crippling fear of inadequacy would never allow him to acknowledge defeat. We did win this election. Incoming President Joe Biden took up residence on january 20th, he found his desk occupied by a sloppy orange goblin. Excuse me. Lets do that over, hes coughing in the middle of my answer. Donald trump is a disaster. He was always known as a dummy, and now hes a dummy and a half. Can two old men live together in the white house without driving each other crazy . Will you shut up, man . Listen, this is a fraud. The fraud couple. Thursdays at 9 30 on abc. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, i didnt know we got it. I mean, the couples dont get any odder than that, do they . We got a good show for you tonight. Chris stapleton is with us. [ cheers and applause ] hes going to chat and sing. Well be right back with ellen pompeo from greys anatomy so stick around to fight wrinkles . Its neutrogena®. Rapid wrinkle repair® visibly smooths fine lines in 1 week. Deep wrinkles in 4. So you can kiss wrinkles goodbye neutrogena®. Buy online, pick up same day if you wish. Instore, curbside, whatever your sitch i. Its the safest way to gift that ever existed. Buy online, pick up in store or with contactless curbside pickup. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com vo make your holiday legendary with chex party mix. Now roomba vacuums exactly where you need it. Hey google, tell roomba to vacuum the kitchen counter. And offers personalized cleaning suggestions for a clean unique to you and your home. Roomba and the irobot home app. Only from irobot. Ferrero rocher. Smooth chocolate. Crunchy hazelnut. Lovingly layered and wrapped in gold. The Bulleit Frontier Fund is making a commitment to help bartenders keep doing what they do best. Lets keep our bartenders pouring. To help bartenders keep doing what they do best. Getwith contactlessour list, shopping at target. From same day delivery to free drive up. Quick and easy contactless shopping all season at target. Chef claes insists on fresh neclean ingredients. The richest cheeses and a mouthwatering sauce. So when chef claes makes a pizza, he doesnt just make a pizza. He makes a masterpiece. Taste our delicious new flatbread pizzas today. Panera. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. Welcome back to the show. Coming up to chat and play us a great song from his new album starting over, Chris Stapleton is with us. [ cheers and applause ] next week, weve got a lot of shows. Ryan phillippe, goldie hawn, alison brie, david cross, alex winter, kristen stewart, mike tyson who is fighting again. We will reveal the identity of and have a visit from people magazines sexiest man alive. [ cheers and applause ] and music from geazy featuring blackbear, wallows, beebadoobee, and zac brown band. So please join us for all that. [ cheers and applause ] all right. For 15 years our first guest has worn blue scrubs and a nametag that says grey. This season she and her fellow doctors take on romantic entanglements and covid19 on greys anatomy thursdays at 9 00 here on abc. Please welcome ellen pompeo. [ cheers and applause ] hello, ellen. Well, im glad to see you conscious. Because and before we get into this, i would like to warn anyone who has not seen the episode of greys anatomy tonight, who might be particularly fond of the show, to maybe plug your ears and close your eyes for like the next, i dont know, nine minutes. [ laughter ] because ellen, Something Weird happened at the end of the episode tonight. It did. Jimmy it really did. Was it so good . Jimmy yes, it is great. And im going to show what happened tonight. But i want to set it up first because we cant share the whole episode. But on the show, your character, whos working very hard because of covid19, exhaustion, we presume, collapses in the parking lot. Youre laying there. Some people start to see you. They try something. It doesnt work. To get you to come back to life. We dont know. And then we go to this mysterious scene. Roll the tape. Meredith jimmy yes, mcdreamy returns, and maybe a mcdream . Maybe meredith died . Maybe that was the gateway to heaven and next week youll suddenly wake up with someones hands compressing your chest . We dont know. Will you tell us . Just go ahead and tell us. [ laughter ] you cant tell us, all right. Do you know . Yes. Jimmy okay. Were you at work today . No. Jimmy no. Were you at work yesterday . Yes. Jimmy oh, okay, good. Then youre alive. [ laughter ] or, or maybe youre a ghost haunting the hospital . Or maybe youre in a coma or Something Like that . Wouldnt that be would you like that if you got to be just in a coma and sleep for like half a season . Huh . [ laughter ] jimmy maybe i hit on it there, i dont know. Wow. Thats something, though, huh . I mean, first of all by the way, whenever i go unconscious, i also have hallucinations about Patrick Dempsey. [ laughter ] its a very weird thing. So that one hit me pretty hard. Oh my gosh. Jimmy yeah. Its so fun. It was so fun. Because we know that were you know, that people are going to freak out. And we all know 2020 has been a really song, ugly road, and we were so happy just to be able to film these scenes and know how much joy it was going to bring people was really we definitely had a ball. Jimmy yeah, i didnt think wed ever see patrick on the show again. I want to ask you this. Lets say, its a hypothetical, of course lets say since he left the show, patrick had put on, like, 80 pounds. He was really fat. [ laughter ] do you think you would still have done this . Like would it be like, here, hey, here i am on the beach, ive been eating [ laughter ] no, probably not. Jimmy you would not have. Well, i think thats honest. Wow. It wouldnt have the impact with the fans, you know. The girls want to see mcdreamy being mcdreamy. Jimmy right. We do. I mean they do. [ laughter ] very interesting. Boy, you really that one came out of nowhere, didnt it . Im so curious. Id love to know all the backstory on that whole thing. Id love to know how the call was made. I want to know if its going to pick up from here . Maybe its kind of like lost really in a way. Yeah. Jimmy youve dabbled in lost territory here. Yes, 17 seasons weve dabbled in everything there is to dabble. [ laughter ] jimmy not since mcsteamy fractured his penis have we seen anything that shocking on the show. Remember that one where you carried a penis around the whole episode in a cooler . Yes, yes. There was a big fight i may be butchering the story but there was a big fight. Because with standards of practices, which im sure you deal with on occasion. Jimmy yes. You know, you can say penis. But you couldnt say vagina at the time. Jimmy what . And thats why oh, yeah, no. Im getting it right, my memorys better than i think sometimes. So thats where the term vajayjay came from. Shonda made up vajayjay. Because standards and practices would not let my character say vagina. I dont know if it was my character. Wouldnt let us say vagina. Shondas argument was like, we said penis in that episode 97 times. You can say penis 97 times but you cant say vagina . They were like, yep, thats it, you cant say vagina. She came up with vajayjay. Thats how that word was thats how that problem was solved. Jimmy i feel im hearing a superhero origin story right now. [ laughter ] this is incredible. Yeah. Jimmy we have abc standards and practices to blame for the word vajayjay . Exactly. [ applause ] jimmy wow, thats crazy. Well, im glad we moved past that time, that restrictive time. Now the president says it on a bus, you know . Right. Jimmy you is it now youre doing the show. By the way, what a convenient thing to be doing. A medical show during this time when Everybody Needs to be Wearing Masks to work. It works out great for you guys. Not so great for everybody else. But do you ever have trouble like distinguishing who are the actors, and like do you ever accidentally start acting with a lighting guy whos wearing his mask on the show . [ laughter ] no, but ill tell you, ive been wearing a mask working for 17 seasons and im still here, look how good i look, im fine. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you do look good, you are fine. Youve not been sick . No. Jimmy hows the family doing . How are chris and the kids holding up during this quarantine . Well, you know, theyre theyre doing very well. And youve had a part in part of our quarantine, whether you realize it or not. Theres been a couple of instances where the ghost of jimmy kimmel has sort of been around. Jimmy oh, really . In what way . Well, remember that paint ball gun you bought chris . Jimmy yes, i do. Yeah. Jimmy coyotes coming into your yard, right . Yeah, but he doesnt wait for the coyotes. Jimmy uhhuh. He passes the time with this paint ball gun. Jimmy in your yard . Everywhere, jimmy. Everywhere. [ laughter ] jimmy well, good, i like that. Its a good warning to the coyotes not to come into the yard. Theres just pink splatters all over the place. Whats that . Whats