[ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, welcome. Very nice. Hi, everybody. Im jimmy, im the host. Thank you for watching. Wow, you came on a taco tuesday. That is very, very kind. I think i speak for a lot of us when i say we look forward to a return to normal. The way things were, even five years ago. Not so long ago. And in some ways, we are getting back to normal. For instance after three consecutive years of going down, the number of shark attacks this year is up. [ laughter ] there were 73 shark attacks in 2021. Up from 57 in 2020. 11 the attacks resulted in fatalities. 9 were classified as unprovoked. What does that mean, unprovoked . [ laughter ] the other two had it coming . The numbers were lower in 2020 because everyone was in quarantine. Nobody was at the beach and sharks rarely attack people on the couch. [ laughter ] but i have to say, i dont blame the sharks. We humans have never been more delicious. Weve been eating inside for three years, curing in our own juices. [ laughter ] developing pockets of fat like an expensive salami. [ laughter ] and theyre hungry. And we may be inside for even longer thanks to a new, new strain of covid that has arrived in the united states. From great britain. Its called omicron ba2. As in, youre not going to bable to do anything fun for another eight months. [ laughter ] omicron is now reinventing itself. Its like madonna. Soon, itll have a british accent and be covered in henna tattoos. [ laughter ] here in l. A. County, they released the number of reported instances of covid at various sites around town. They were very specific. They cited 33 cases of covid at the Beverly Hills hotel. 23 at the beverly hilton. The Four Seasons Hotel had 78. Craigs restaurant had 22. The crypto. Com arena where the lakers and clippers play, 246. Erewhon, the Natural Foods market, had 66 cases. If you live here, you know that makes sense. All those superhealthy unvaxxed yoga moms sucking up the covid along with their kale chips and kombucha. [ laughter ] the hollywood roosevelt, which is just down the block from us, had 20 cases. Trader joes had 114. And then there were some noncommercial spots. Jon voights racquetball court, 35. [ laughter ] the back seat of the uber scott baio drives had 47. [ laughter ] and the bevmo by Rob Schneiders house, 119. [ laughter ] you know those masks that joe biden promised . Well, they are now also available for pickup at pharmacies around the country. You go in and say, id like a mask. They say, well, you cant come in here without a mask. Then i dont know what happens. The masks come with a qr code that gives instructions on how to put the masks on and take the masks off. And let me just say with 100 certainty that theres not a Single Person in america who knows how to use a qr code, but doesnt know how to put a mask on or take it off. [ applause ] that is really odd. But it is nice to see us finally getting around to doing the things that shouldve been done two years ago. Meanwhile, the unfortunate punching bag when it comes to covid continues to be dr. Anthony fauci. The other day, the New York Post called out dr. Fauci. Theyre looking for anything they can sink their little teeth into. They posted a bunch of tweets calling fauci a narcissist. This is what they do when they want to Say Something but they dont want to say it, they post tweets that say it. Because he has a selfportrait and a basketball head of himself in his office at home, which is interesting, because if having a bunch of pictures of bobbleheads of yourself makes you a narcissist, then buckle up, New York Post, because you are not going to like what we found out about this guy. [ laughter and applause ] i mean, look at this. Hes got donalds everywhere. [ laughter ] here he is right before he ate that baby. Three bobblehead dolls. [ laughter ] and like father, like son, heres little erics office with multiple trump family bobbleheads. Trump received an honorary black belt in taekwondo because why not . He has a very sad little sculpture in which his head has been added to mount rushmore. [ laughter ] but dr. Fauci, thats the narcissist. Thats the guy. [ laughter ] you know who also is very full of himself . Take a look inside this office. Thats my office, okay . [ laughter and applause ] that is a sick individual. I mean, who would have that many heres the thing. When somebody sends you a bobblehead of yourself, what are you supposed to do, throw it out . A witch could find it and stick it with needles like a voodoo doll. [ laughter ] speaking of bobbleheads, this is interesting. Axios put out a list of the most talked about politicians online, people that get the most discussion. And you would assume trump would be number one, right . Not right. You know who was at the top . Ted cruz. Ted cruz has the most social media interactions. I think thats because no one wants to interact with him in person. [ laughter ] this is the list. Ted cruz at the top followed by aoc, Marjorie Taylor greene, rashida tlaib, ron desantis, nancy pelosi, then donald trump. Good thing trump doesnt care about polls and ratings and publicity and stuff like that. [ laughter ] hes six spots behind ted cruz six spots behind a snowman made of mayonnaise. [ laughter ] they seem to have run out of stuff to yell about at fox news. Laura ingraham took a break from her usual venom last night to weigh in on comedy. Specifically, laura wasnt too wild about Kate Mckinnons impression of her on saturday night live over the weekend. So she turned to an expert in the field for his thoughts. But i dont talk like that, governor, do i . No, you dont. You know, the interesting thing about it, Kate Mckinnon is an incredibly talented and amazing comedian actress, ill give her that. You bet. I dont care how good the singer is, youve got to give her a song. And the problem was the comedy writers who wrote that sketch just werent on the game. Saturday night live could be funny, but it isnt. Jimmy and who better to critique the art of jokewriting than the Trinity Broadcasting Networks most hilarious talk show host . Steve said he made the giant hairball for the love of his kids and future grandkids. So i guess now its going to be a family hairloom. See what i did there . I love it. Jimmy not just the joke, the delivery is great. [ laughter ] jimmy i wonder what mike would think of this . This is a story from texas. From a walmart in texas. Where a woman tried to buy something that as far as i know, even walmart doesnt sell. A texas woman accused of trying to buy another womans child. Court documents say rebecca Lynnette Taylor offered a mother 250,000 for her 1yearold boy. Commenting in particular on his blue eyes and blond hair. The boys mother says she laughed it off inside the Walmart Store in crockett, but that taylor persisted, following her into the parking lot, raising the offer to 500,000, and finally getting angry when she was rejected. Taylor denies the accusations. Jimmy of course she does. [ laughter ] for that much money, she could have bought 30 kids at costco. [ laughter ] i feel like my parents, had they been offered half a Million Dollars in a parking lot, would have sold me and thrown my brother and sister in for free. [ laughter and applause ] rebecca lynnette was charged with sale or purchase of a child, which is a thirddegree felony. They followed a trail of breadcrumbs to her house. I didnt even know there was a law preventing parents from buying or selling their kids, it didnt seem necessary. But i guess it makes sense. If it was legal to sell a kid, donald trump jr. Would have been gone a long time ago. [ laughter ] okay, now its time for something new. Were going to leave our studio now. Were going to go outside and play a new twist on an old and beloved game. Its time to play celebrity hideandseek [ cheers and applause ] i can explain this, but i feel its pretty selfexplanatory. Next door to our theater, if you have a chance to visit this beautiful neighborhood, youll find right next door a store called the hollywoodland experience. Its filled with all the highquality hollywoodstyle gifts your family back home could possibly desire. Its what makes this country the envy of the world. And right now they have two extraspecial items in their inventory. Tonight we will attempt actually, one eagleeyed pedestrian will attempt to find these items, which happen to be human beings. My cousin sal is outside the store now. Sal, who do we have there . Sal id like you to meet julia. Watch this. Whats your name . Hi, im julia. Sal see . Jimmy where are you from . From rhode island. Jimmy youre here on vacation . I actually just moved here. Jimmy you did, why did you move here . To move out of my parents house. Jimmy did they ask you to leave or you felt compelled . Both. Jimmy what are you planning to do out here . So im actually have my east coast job still. So im working remote. And done at 2 00 p. M. Every day. So im kind of exploring around. Jimmy you picked the right place to do that. I did. Jimmy thats for sure. Have you met any homeless spidermen . [ laughter ] no. Sal well get you one after. Jimmy for sure. [ laughter ] when is the last time you played hideandseek . Last time i babysat. Jimmy okay. Have you ever met a celebrity before . Gronk. Jimmy oh, rob gronkowski. Yes. Jimmy did you meet him in a cave or something . No. [ laughter ] sal playing hideandseek, you were babysitting him, right . Yeah, yeah. Live [ laughter ] jimmy all right. Hidden in the store behind you are our guests tonight, kristen bell and Ike Barinholtz. Do you know kristen and ike . Yeah, i know kristen. Jimmy okay, all right. Well, the other guy, the other person, will be ike. Okay . Okay. Jimmy all right. Show pictures. Yes, okay. He does look familiar. Jimmy okay, good, great. Sal do you want to keep these for reference . Forget it jimmy hang on to those pictures. Your mission is, and were going to start right now, find kristen and ike as quickly as you can, all right . Okay. Jimmy all right, go get em, julia. Well follow you. Cousin sal will follow along. Im going to tell you, julia, that, you know were not this is not going to be easy, okay . Okay. Jimmy all right. Sal ohoh, whats this . Oh, oh jimmy see that . Thats half a person, thats not even a real person. We tricked you on that one, julia. Wow, this stores bigger than rhode island, huh . Sal it says no celebrities in here. Jimmy we did put a sign there, youre not paying attention. All right . Youre getting i dont know if youre getting i have no idea where they are. You may be getting warmer. We just dont know. Okay. Jimmy okay . Sal wow. Is this one of them . Jimmy Ike Barinholtz, thats right [ cheers and applause ] for the mindy project. For neighbors 2. Jimmy im sorry find a person who might know who i am. I didnt recognize you. Im going to help you anyway. Sal scared the [ bleep ] out of me and i knew he was there. [ laughter ] all right, hold on. Jimmy youre recognizing ike now, julia . Yeah. Its all coming back to me now. Jimmy its coming back, great. Cool, ive been in there for nine hours. No food, no water. Theres a small cup with urine in it. Jimmy take a look over there. Lets see. Dont miss anything. Oh [ cheers and applause ] guillermo oh, hi. What are you drinking . Guillermo drinking my margarita. Dont tell jimmy im here. Close the door, please. Jimmy taco bell. All right, keep looking. That was not the celebrity. That was a celebrity, of course, everybodys favorite security guard. Oh, and look at this. Look at oh, wow. Theres a kristen bell standup doll there. Is there a kristen bell amongst it . Kristen, by the way, could be in any of that luggage also. [ laughter ] ana, yeah dont open every one of those things. Thank you, cousin sal. Take it back to rhode island. Thank you. Jimmy keep looking, julia, we dont have the whole night. Sorry. Jimmy nightlines going to come on eventually. And all right. Oh dont say anything. Thats just a guy. All right, julie, you are now getting warmer, yes. Yes, youre close. Were close. Im keeping this hat, it says slytherin. Jimmy you may be colder now, julia, youre getting colder. Uhhuh, yes. Oh, nice. [ cheers and applause ] it was cramped in there. Jimmy sorry, kristen. How long were you in there, kristen . A bit. I didnt have a watch, so i have no idea. Jimmy kristen, you mind closing that wall up right there . And lets lets see if julia has a if theres a license plate for julia on that wall. Do you see your name . Close. Jimmy close enough, julie, yeah. There you go. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. Jimmy there you go. All right, its great. Thank you, ike. Thank you, kristen. Come next door, okay . We have the rest of the show to do. Yeah. Jimmy julia, thank you very much. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy there it was, celebrity hideandseek. Well be back with kristen bell [ cheers and applause ] we live our lives on our homes fabrics. And though we come and go, our odors stay. Its called odor transfer. Left untreated, those odors get trapped inside fabrics and then release smells into your air. Eww. You need new febreze fabric refresher. Its new formula is proven to deliver longerlasting odor fighting power, so you can enjoy longerlasting freshness even hours after spraying. The more everyone sprays. The fresher your whole home stays. New febreze fabric refresher. When targets cat and jack has them serving looks every day for less. When selfexpression comes with savings. And when those first day fits are designed to last. Thats totally target. 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Tonight, from the new show the afterparty on apple tv plus, the always delightful Ike Barinholtz is with us. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, charlie day and Colman Domingo, with music from ian dior featuring travis barker. And on thursday night, johnny knoxville, Meredith Hagner and music from the walters. Please join us for all that. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is a compact bundle of bliss you know from more movies and tv shows than i have the time or energy to list. Her newest rolls right off the tongue, its called the woman in the house across the street from the girl in the window. [ laughter ] it premieres friday on netflix. Please welcome kristen bell. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thanks for not only coming to the show but also getting into a souvenir stand, which is nice of you. Happily, ive been wanting to do that all day. When you called, this is perfect. Do i still have a big line on my forehead . Jimmy the line is gone. Youre wearing a different red outfit. Its a red story today. Its really more of an experience. Jimmy how are you doing . Hows the family, houses everybody . Im great. Everyones been good. I feel like in this time that weve slowed down, you know, youre thinking about yourself. Ive been doing a lot of health and wellness stuff. Guess what i did. Jimmy what did you do . I got my first elective colonoscopy. [ applause ] jimmy oh, wow. Elective as opposed to forcible . Yeah, because youre supposed to get them at 50. If you have a family history, 45. Write this down, you guys. Jimmy yeah, no, i think youre supposed to get them at 45 regardless now, they say. Okay, 45 regardless. I am 41. I was like, get in there [ laughter ] lets see what we got okay, the prep . The prep was a whole thing i did not even jimmy hold it, can i take a step back . [ laughter ] has anyone when you told the doctors, has anyone ever asked to have a colonoscopy earlier than the day they have to . I didnt ask. Im not comparing myself to other patients. You know what i mean . Jimmy uhhuh . Im looking out for number one. [ laughter ] and i was like, do you want to get in here . Jimmy seems like you might be looking for number two. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] jimmy asleep back there. At the doctors office, i had my 8yearold in tow. She was sitting there, were getting like the paperwork or whatever. And she looks up at my doctor, with this like sly look, because you can only see her eyes through the mask. She said, are you the doctor whos going on my moms butt . [ laughter ] and he was like, yes, yes, i am. Then he said, anything i should look for when im up there . And she goes, the rubber nut. Because we say up your butt with a rubber nut a lot in our household, if youre missing something. Jimmy is that a thing . Or did you make that up . I remember up your nose with a rubber hose. I dont remember up your butt with a rubber nut. [ laughter ] its a thing in our household. Where are my shoes . I dont know, up your butt with a rubber nut. We say it a lot. Thats what she said to the doctor, it was great. The procedure went very well. Jimmy everything is shiny and everything . Everything is aokay. Aplus, they said. Aced it. Jimmy im glad to hear that. Apparently while i was drowsy and droopy from the anesthesia, i told the nursing staff i was going to teach them how to play spades. [ laughter ] jimmy the card game . Yes, we played spades two years straight and apparently its all i think about. Even when im under. Jimmy while youre unconscious. Are you going to teach them . I might, i dont know. Jimmy did they want to know . No, no, no. Jimmy your husband dax, one thing i know is hes not big on going to the doctor. This seems like he would he likes to do everything himself. You and i know that. Hes a diyer when it comes to medical stuff. [ laughter ] jimmy dax is the good kind of do your own research guy. Yeah. Hes, you know, thinking that his eyesight is going. So rather than go to the eye doctor he thought, wouldnt it be great if i just bought an eye patch . So in the mornings when hes journalling, i look over, and there is a pirate in my bed. And hes wearing an eye patch to, what he says, train his other eye to be stronger. Jimmy that does work, i think. Does it . [ laughter ] jimmy i dont know. I dont know. A