Lou from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight Billie Eilish and finneas. Whitney cummings. And music from grace potter. With cleto and the cletones. And now jimmy kimmel [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi. Welcome. Welcome. Hi, there. Im jimmy. Im the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us on an important day, a very important day of Online Shopping here in the united states. Its october prime day on amazon exclusively for prime members, which is, everyone. In the world. [ laughter ] its not to be confused, october prime day, not to be confused with the multiple other prime days. This is a twoday event. And theyve got some great deals on musthave items like a pickle that yodels. [ laughter ] a cat scratcher shaped like a tongue. A banana goose. Plastic pork. And a delicious can of spam maple flavor. I dont like to give hints, but those would make some pretty fine Christmas Gifts for you know who, guillermo. Guillermo i know who, yeah. Jimmy joe biden spent his october prime day trying to figure out where the hell this woman, alexa, who keeps yelling at him, is hiding. [ laughter ] President Biden spent much of yesterday being interviewed as part of the special counsels investigation into the classified documents that somehow ended up at his home and old office. Although, technically, any office that belonged to joe biden is an old office. [ laughter ] and of course, maralardo had some thoughts on that. He wrote, i see that Crooked Joe Biden is working on his documents situation. Wait, i thought it was crooked hillary. [ laughter ] hes get so lazy, he used to put so much thought into those nicknames. He moved documents, many classified, all over the place, for years, including to chinatown. He even took documents as a senator, an absolute no, no i come under the president ial records act, he doesnt. A big difference i did nothing wrong, he did, and so did many others this is precisely how my 6yearold defends himself. [ laughter ] i didnt do anything. They did these things and this was good. When i went to truth social to see this dopey post for myself. Directly under the post was an ad trumpeting the four Early Warning signs of dementia. [ laughter ] complete with, that might be donald trump in a dress, im not sure. [ laughter ] i think we all know our social media algorithms well enough to know thats not an accident. Thats like when youre constipated, and you suddenly get an ad for metamucil. Youre like, hm. [ laughter ] it really is crazy how much republicans dont care about trumps insane handling of classified documents but do care about joe bidens. Its almost like theyre applying two entirely different standards. Maybe even a double standard. Or in trumps case, a bacon double standard. [ laughter ] at the white house today, President Biden gave a speech forcefully condemning the evil attacks on israel by hamas. He confirmed that americans are among those taken hostage, and that at least 14 americans were killed. Hes vowed to do everything in his power to bring americans home safely while the magalorian is on a full, allcaps alert. Writing, i kept israel safe nobody else will, nobody else can, and i know all of the players [ laughter ] kevlar,and get over there, mcrib rambo [ laughter ] trump would like us to believe that his mere presence wouldve kept hamas out of israel and russia out of ukraine. This is from a guy who couldnt even keep kanye out of maralago. [ laughter ] but its pretty clear that at this point, hes got no connection with reality. All he can see is perfect phone calls and unfair witch hunts, elections he won, wars he would have prevented. We could right now build a Little Oval Office in a Mental Institution and put him in there, tell him hes been reinstated as president , hed be perfectly content. [ laughter ] drawing on weather maps. Pushing that little red diet coke button. [ laughter ] hed be happy, wed be happy. Lets get it done, i mean, come on already. [ cheers and applause ] meanwhile, trumps associates in the crazy business have been making the most of this attack on israel. Ever since that caravan of dangerous immigrants turned out to be figments of their imagination, theyve been looking for something new to rile people up. So the lied piper is now pushing the idea that hamas is in mexico. The same people that raided israel are pouring into our once beautiful usa, through our totally open southern border, at record numbers. Are they planning an attack within our country . Crooked joe biden and his boss, Barack Hussein obama, did this to us [ laughter ] if you dont believe him, take it from the jewish space laser lady herself, Marjorie Taylor greene. What happened to israel could happen to america because our country has been invaded by millions of people from over 160 countries. Jimmy 160 . Thats almost all the countries. [ laughter ] that would mean were being invaded by belgium, maybe poland. Hordes of belgian and polish immigrants are sneaking in here with their waffles and kielbasa. [ laughter ] and the Gazpacho Police do nothing about it they let them ride right in. Its hard to believe that people are dumb enough to believe this stuff. But when you hear donald trump talk about the state of our School Systems it starts to make sense. So we have the worst education, almost, in the large world. The the world that people know about. Jimmy yes, yes, the large world. [ laughter ] the world that people know about. Sometimes his mouth just says things like a broken furby or something [ laughter ] this is our second week back to work after five months on strike. [ cheers and applause ] weve had a lot of positive comments and compliments since our return. Including from none other than our old my pillow pal, mike lindell, who despite all he is going through seems pretty okay with us. Jimmy kimmel came back the other night, the first show back, he had to talk about you. [ laughter ] when row is it, brad . Jimmy kimmel came back, first show, he had to talk about you. It wasnt too bad. Jimmys kind of torn. He didnt call me names when he said in our he might have even said our good friend mike lindell. He did call me mike lindell. He said, mike lindell had problems this summer. He had problems this summer, and hes got financial woes, and of course then they went to the other mike. When he was talking about me, you know, he doesnt hes come a long way. [ laughter ] jimmy thank you. You know what . I [ applause ] ive grown up a lot over the last couple of years, thank you for noticing, mike. [ laughter ] last time mike was on the show, he did it on the condition my condition that he be interviewed from inside a dave busters claw machine. [ laughter ] and even that doesnt seem to bother him. Just think of a guy like jimmy kimmel would come to his senses, go hey, we do need to fix our election platforms, right . Yep. Maybe jimmy, maybe this time when i come back on Jimmy Kimmels show, you know im calling him kimmel. Ive learned his last name. [ laughter ] maybe when he invites me back, i wont have to be in the claw machine. Thats right. That was to do it, to make it fun for the country and the audience. Jimmy yeah, well, maybe next time well put you in a giant container of chinese food or something. A big oversized carton of chicken chow mein, mikes in there ordering a baby pool with floaties on. That would be cute, right . [ laughter ] speaking of cute congressman George Santos is in a lot of trouble right now. Were finally at the part of pinocchio where he gets swallowed by the whale. [ laughter ] prosecutors today charged santos. Hes now facing 23 counts, including conspiracy, wire fraud, aggravated identity theft, credit card fraud, making materially false statements to the fec, money laundering, and falsification of records. Basically all the crimes [ laughter ] he has been charged with. Santos is expected to plead, new phone, who dis . [ laughter ] really, i cant believe they charged him with identity theft. Can you really blame would you want to be George Santos . [ laughter ] how much fun would it be if he and donald trump wind up sharing a cell together . [ moans and applause ] the state of california this weekend california became the first state to ban four potentially harmful chemicals found in a lot of our favorite foods. The law, which goes into effect in 2027, bans companies from using potassium bromate, brominated vegetable oil, propylparabens or red dye no. 3. Which, listen, you can take my red dye no. 3 and propylparabens all you like, but youll have to pry the potassium bromate out of my cold, dead hands. [ laughter ] some of the products that are affected are pez, double bubble, and skittles. Apparently, this rainbow weve been tasting is not go [ laughter ] are we going to have to start driving to the border of nevada to get skittles now . Needless to say, the Candy Companies are upset about the new law, but other snack makers are seeing opportunity and embracing it. No skittles . No hot tamales . No problem. Get into a box of the oldest, wringliest candy around, raisins. Thats right. Raisins. Theyre not just for the bottom of a snack bag anymore. Give a kid this shriveled little treat. Theyll be hooked for life. It looks like a dead bug. But its not. Its actually an old grape. Try it. It tastes dysgusting. Delicious. And great in baked goods too. Ugh [ bleep ] raisins in it . You [ bleep ] bet there are. So dont fret, candy fans. This stuff sucks. When your double bubble disappears, chew on raisins who raisins . Who raisins . Who raisins . Brought to you by nerds. [ applause ] jimmy one thing we dont have to worry about here in Southern California is snakes. There are not a ton of snakes here, which were grateful for. Theres a neighborhood in Oklahoma City right now where the locals have an increasingly large problem on their hands. This snake was captured on camera in birchwood, 6 feet long in june, now 13 feet. The park is right next to bryant elementary school, no gates stopping it from slithering over. News 4 spoke with trifr bounds of red beard wildfire life who was hired to get the snake out. Bounds said its been surviving under one of the homes and might be eating cats. Half the cats in the neighborhood are missing. [ laughter ] jimmy lets not jump to conclusions. [ laughter ] maybe the cats flew south for the winter, you know . In other big news, researchers in spain have determined that more than 1500 different species of animals have sexual encounters with animals of the same gender. According to the study, animals have been engaging in homosexual activity as a way to reduce conflict. I guess thats i dont know, thats how they reduce conflict . [ laughter ] pennsylv apparently these scientists have never seen an episode of rupauls drag race. [ laughter ] and while im not an expert on animal behavior, we have a very knowledgeable writer who is. And so we turn now to our friend louis virtel. Who is here to virtel it like it is. [ cheers and applause ] as the gay communitys most respected zoologist, after years of research, and a great deal of prayer, i am proud to reveal the five gayest animals of all time. [ laughter ] are you ready . [ cheers and applause ] coming in at number five, bats. More than 20 species of bat have been found to exhibit homosexual behavior. Like the vampire bat. The comoro flying fox bat. And, of course, the thicklynippled bat of gotham city. [ laughter ] its cold in the batcave. Heres an interesting fact. Two male bats will hang belly to belly, each with an erect penis. One male then works his tongue over the entire body of the other male. The other one just lays back and plays wordle. [ laughter ] next up, the fourth gayest animal, the majestic giraffe. Some estimate that homosexuality among giraffes is more common than heterosexuality. I believe it. Look at them. [ laughter ] theyre sauntering around slowly, literally looking down on others, and . A fabulous but tasteful patterned print. [ laughter ] g is for gay [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] okay, number three on the list . Dolphins. The twinks of the sea. [ laughter ] theyre shiny, theyre delightful, and when they get together in a group, this is true, to have sex, its called a wuzzle. [ laughter ] and that word, to me, is the epitome of the gay community. Proudly at the crossroads of gross and adorable at all times. [ laughter ] coming in at number two, the second gayest animal, the greyhound. [ laughter ] i dont know if greyhounds are gay, but everybody on the planet named clayton or sumner seems to own one, and thats close enough. [ laughter ] only a greyhound. Would any other dog be pretentious enough to be seen in a turtleneck . No. [ laughter ] thats why greyhounds get the gay silver medal. And the number one gayest animal is no, not flamingos. You might think flamingos are gay, but hanging out in the yard all day wearing pink is not queer, its frat boy. [ laughter ] stay alert. The number one gayest animal is the penguin. [ cheers and applause ] get this. A scientist named George Murray levick first documented homosexual behavior in penguins in 1911. He called it depraved. And wrote his findings in greek letters so it wouldnt get out. [ laughter ] he went all the way to antarctica just to put penguins in the closet. [ laughter ] but that was then and this is now. Penguins are free to hold fins, march in parades, dress in fitted tuxedos, even their feet are happy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] look at this couple. Skip and ping from the berlin zoo. Two male penguins who adopted an egg together. Congratulations, you stubby little queens [ laughter ] and those are the five gayest animals. Now if youll excuse me, i have a date with a vampire bat [ cheers and applause ] jimmy lewis virtel, everybody. Thank you, lewis. Lewis virtel, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] weve got a good show for you tonight. Whitney cummings is here. We have music from grace potter. And well be right back with Billie Eilish and phineas. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, there. Welcome back. Tonight, her brandnew comedy special is called mouthy. The very funny, and very pregnant, Whitney Cummings is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, an exceptionally talented singer songwriter. Her latest album is called mother road. Music from grace potter. [ cheers and applause ] you can see grace on tour starting november 1st at stage ae in pittsburgh, pa. Tomorrow night, well be joined by sean penn and nicole byer with music from megan moroney. So join us then. Like hansel and gretel, bart and lisa, luke and leia, our first guests are bound by some very talented dna. They are grammy and oscar winning singersongwriters. Their latest smash hit is called what was i made for . Please welcome Billie Eilish and phineas. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you . This is fun, i have to say. Besides you guys being you guys, i dont think ive ever had a brother and sister on the show together. I feel like we could really get into some stuff with the two of you out here. Correct. Jimmy you know what im saying . Uhhuh. Jimmy first of all, finneas, you love a last name, billie has a last name. [ laughter ] what happened . Your parents run out of money . What happened there . Well, my names three syllables. Then our, like, legal last name is another three syllables. Just felt really clunky. Im a big fan of cher, so [ laughter ] jimmy its a big swing to go for the one name deal. Were you upset by this . Ive been so mines Billie Eilish oconnell. His is finneas oconnell. Ive been going since Billie Eilish since i was a little baby. Jimmy you made that decision early . Uhhuh. Jimmy what about your dad . Is he upset that youve rejected him outright . [ laughter ] its just like not the sickest last name, you know . [ laughter ] just like jimmy its a solid last name, oconnell. No . If we had a potato farm. [ laughter ] jim. Its very, very irish. Billie eilish, it doesnt get any more irish. Jimmy its pretty irish. Nothing wrong with that. You could get a potato farm, you guys could easily buy a potato farm. Shall we this. Jimmy your parents go on tour with you . Yeah. Jimmy both of them . Yeah. Jimmy what do they do when theyre on tour with you . So i just have our parents come out just to be, like, my parents. I like to bring them out because i like them and i want their company and whatever. And our dad likes to be how would you start this topic . He wants to be useful so bad. A [ laughter ] which i respect and love. And he does, like, set carpentry on our tour. Like, as the tours bigger when we started he was helping drive the van, carrying amps into is venues. Now hes one of the set carpenters. He builds the stage every day. He works as one of the carps dad, we need a bench. [ laughter ] literally he builds stair staircases and stuff, sweeps the floor. Jimmy serious . Yeah, the crew stays in different hotels, they have different buses, they have different calls. He wont tell anybody on the crew his full name. Because he doesnt want anyone to know jimmy they must know. How would they not know . I this they know, but he doesnt want any nepotism, doesnt want any special treatment at all. Jimmy thats kind of great, i guess. Does your mom have to stay in the crew hotel . No, moms with me. Jimmy mom stays with you . Yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy do you guys always get along . You do seem to really like each other. Maybe im i dont know, maybe i dont know you that well. But it does seem like you really like each other, and you Work Together, which is its hard to keep people together. You Work Together so much. Are there things about each other that drive you crazy . [ laughter ] what do you think . Jimmy i would imagine there must be, yeah. Theres a good chunk. But [ laughter ] well, its like i dont know. Jimmy whoever goes first sets the tone for the response. [ laughter ] i was just going say whats cool about it is that, you know, when we get into something, we can have we can blow up at each other. We can have arguments or whatever. We honestly dont as much as we did when we were children, yeah. Children, yeah. But when we do, its like because were siblings like if you were to have the kind of argument that we can have, like with a friend or a partner, its so damaging. It can really, like, change your dynamic. But with siblings its like, you kno