Lou from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight, amy poehler, Bert Kreischer, and music from wilco. With cleto and the cletones. And now, jimmy kimmel [ cheering and applause ] jimmy i appreciate that. Hello. Im jimmy. Im the host of the show. Thanks for coming. Thank you for watching. Id like to relay a special hello to those of you who are still drunk after monday night football. [ laughter ] we are coming to you from our home base, in the heart of hollywood. One of the strangest places in all the world, but we do get some competition from time to time. This is from the sunday service at st. John the divine cathedral in new york where parishioners were invited to bring their pets to be blessed in honor of st. Francis, the patron saint of animals. There were cats. There were dogs. A goose on site. There was a giant snake. They had a baby crocodile. Look at that guy. A sloth paid its first visit to church in a basket, as did a very reluctant little donkey, who is probably an atheist that wanted no part of any of that. There is also some horrific news over the weekend, our friends and allies in israel, innocent civilians killed and kidnapped by the terrorist organization, hamas. Israel is now at war. Its a nightmare situation. Leaders from all around the world condemned the attack as did millions of americans, including our superduper former proisrael president , donald trump, who immediately found a way to make it about himself. He wrote, the horrible attack on israel, much like the attack on ukraine, would never have happened if i were president , zero chance. Thats right. If he was president , wed all be blissfully downing jiggers of bleach. [ laughter ] there would be no war anywhere. And then, because he was so upset about this, tragedy, he posted a photo of himself from when he and his waistline were still in their 40s playing tennis. [ laughter ] there is subpoena williams right there. [ laughter and applause ] can you imagine . I mean, seriously. Can you imagine anyone else in the world doing anything even remotely like this . The guy who claims to be the most proisrael president of all time was in cedar rapids on saturday demonstrating the deep well of insight he has into the ongoing conflict in the middle east. And i sit proudly with our friend and ally the state of israel, and i will do it again. You heard about today, the hommus, hommus terrorist invasion. Jimmy yes, the hummus, the baba ganoush, the falafels. [ laughter ] what theyre doing is a disgrace. On the day one of our closest allies is hit by a devastating terrorist attack, trump is onstage talking about how much better his body is than joe bidens. Hes got a consultant somewhere. This is the worst consultant in politics that thinks he looks good in a bathing suit, right . No. He spends so much time at the beach. You know, how do you do that . And, you know, i have a much better body than him. [ laughter ] but im not really sure that i want to expose it with the sun blaring down, the sand, the surf, the wind, you know. I mean, you know, its not a pretty sight. Jimmy yeah. [ laughter ] he makes some really good points. Maybe instead of an election next year, we just have a wet tee shirt contest and end it. [ laughter ] this is trumps focus now, that drum hes beating, that joe biden, whos only three years older than he is, is too old. Different people vote, and they sort of locked into that vote, no matter how bad a guy is. If a man is grossly incompetent, he cant speak, he cant put two sentences together. He cant find his way off the stage. Lets see. I got there. I can jump off this one. I could actually do it. He couldnt. Jimmy yeah, all right. Do it, then. Lets see it. [ laughter ] i would love to see you jump off that stage. [ applause ] id make a donation. Like shamu flopping onto the Observation Deck at seaworld. [ laughter ] and if youre wondering, after all the dumb and terrible things trump has said and done, if there could be anyone left who still supports the guy . Well, there sure are. President trump works for god, and god is all about america. And god is the one thats going save america. But actually, hes using President Trump as one of his tools. So thats why we support President Trump, because he works for god. Jimmy hes definitely one of gods tools, thats for sure. [ laughter ] the biggest tool god ever created. Trump has reportedly decided not to visit washington, d. C. This week, to not throw his hat in the ring for speaker of the house. Trump bailed on that like it was dinner with eric. [ laughter ] he is now backing jim jordan of ohio for speaker. He said jim jordan has his complete and total endorsement, or cte for short. Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani is having financial trouble. According to the irs, rudy owes 550,000 in unpaid taxes, he has a half Million Dollar lien on his condo in florida and hes being sued for millions by his own lawyers. I guess screaming outside a dildo factory isnt as profitable as it used to be. [ laughter ] right, guillermo . Guillermo right, jimmy. [ applause ] jimmy did you have a good weekend . Guillermo i had a great weekend, yes. Jimmy what did you do this weekend . Guillermo oh, jimmy, i went to homecoming. Jimmy what . Guillermo i went to homecoming, jimmy. Jimmy are you in high school . [ laughter ] guillermo no. I took my son to the homecoming. But we had a great time. Jimmy to the homecoming . Guillermo yeah. Football. We had a great time. Jimmy whose homecoming was it . Guillermo oh, my neighbors son. Jimmy oh, your neighbors. Guillermo his son. His son is in high school. Jimmy you think benji wants to play football . Did you watch the cowboys . Guillermo what a disaster. [ laughter ] jimmy all eyes this weekend actually on minnesota where the world was wondering whether taylor swift would show up to cheer on travis kelce. I was watching the game. My 9yearold daughter walks in the room, she looks at the tv, is that travis kelce . Im like, what the hell . [ laughter ] i really was flabbergasted. And then she lost interest because taylor did not make the trip. Taylor swift was at the last two games cheering travis alongside his mother, who has become a celebrity as a result of all of this. Donna kelce was even on the today show, and you can tell she was very, very excited. What was she like . So you got to know her a little bit . Got to see her a couple of games. How was it . It was okay. [ laughter ] jimmy blink twice if the swifties threatened your life. [ laughter ] weve both met her, and weve always been delighted by her way. Yeah, yeah. Yeah . Yeah. Jimmy yeah . If we saw that kind of reaction on a bachelor hometown visit, youd go, all right, somebodys not getting a rose, i guess. [ laughter ] today, by the way, is both Indigenous Peoples and columbus day. Christopher columbus was an explorer who didnt exactly discover america, but he did yell first when he got here. [ laughter ] and so today, we thought it would make sense to speak to some modern explorers, tourists out on hollywood boulevard, to ask them, foreigners to our land, to tell us what they find weird about us here in the u. S. What is the weirdest thing about americans . Nosy. Theyre very nosy. Do an impression of a nosy american. A nosy american, where you from . And then my name karan, but i always get karen, which is just so embarrassing. Ive traveled the world, and let me tell you, nobody else says karen except americans. I could go to a starbucks and they scream out karen, and its the most embarrassing thing ever, ever, ever. So lets say an american was walking down the street in poland, how would you be able to tell theyre american . Theyre loud. Loud. Loud. And if you see them at night, theyre usually drunk. If they come from here, theyre most tanned in the skin and a little bit wider. Tan and fat. Yeah. They just eat and eat and eat. They dont care on the qualities, just the quantity. Would you say theyre a little fatter . A lot. When an american finds out youre from australia, whats the dumbest thing they ask you . Someone asked me if there is kangaroos there. Like if there is kangaroos there. Obviously theres kangaroos there. Can you do an impression of an american . Ill have a cheeseburger with french fries. Oh, oh and what kind of sauce do you have . Ill take the steak. Ill take it well done with fries. Who is your least favorite american . Ill be typical. Ill say donald trump. Who is your least favorite american . Donald trump. Donald trump. I dont really like donald trump. Im so sorry. Draw the average american. The average american . I will get in trouble for this one basketball shorts, obviously, and a larger than life drink. And then the baseball hat. Somebody is happy. They love their country. Theyve got a nice family and theyre enjoying the sun. And theyre super fat . No. Thats just bad drawing. There you go. Is that a dorito they have for a vest . Yeah, why not . A dorito, yeah. Any advice for american karens . Chop that hair off. Its so old. Change your name. You can do it. Honestly. Im bearing the brunt of it. Youre the nicest karen ive ever met. Oh my god, im not karen. Its karan. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well, thats just what a karen would say. Thank you, karan. We have a fun show for you tonight. Bert kreischer is here, weve got music from wilco, and well Bert Kreischer is here, weve got music from wilco, and well be right back with amy poehler. looks like its grime time huh . Dr. Garcia . Crest reality checkup. That grimy film on your teeth . 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Tums tums tums tums are you guys watching . This is my favorite part. You watching . Okay, time to get your own bed, hank. Chewy has great prices. Hope you like plaid. I do. Who wants popcorn . Get more of what your pet loves with every day great prices and fast Free Shipping at chewy. Kinder bueno. Its crispy. Its creamy. Its not your average chocolate bar. Smooth milk chocolate, crispy wafer, creamy hazelnut filling. Its kinder bueno. Who says you cant go for bold without going broke. Get the brands you want, the prices you want, whenever you want. Tj maxx where you can always afford to be you to the maxx. vo ultimate endless shrimp is here tj maxx with a limited time flavor drop. New crispy dragon shrimp. One of seven endless choices. Right now, only at red lobster. Welcome to fun dining. [ cheering and applause ] jimmy hi there. Welcome back to the show. Tonight he has a netflix standup comedy special. Its called Razzle Dazzle, a very funny man. Bert kreischer is with us. [ cheering ] then later, a great band, celebrating 28 years together and counting. This is their 13th album called cousin. Music from wilco tonight. [ cheering ] this week with some excellent guests including with sean penn, josh duhamel, whitney cummings, nicole byer. Billie eilish and finneas will be here. Well have music from grace potter and Megan Moroney and maneskin. Please join us for all that. Our first guest tonight is a National Treasure and a current emmy nominee with a new podcast called say more with dr. Sheila. New episodes come out every thursday. Please say hello to amy poehler. [ cheering and applause ] hi welcome back. Jimmy thanks for coming. Gosh, its been a long time since you were on the show. Thats right. We were just looking up the last time i was here, and it was february 2020. Jimmy february 2020. That was right before covid kicked in. Right before it all stopped. Jimmy so what have you been doing since february 2020 . Wow, well, i lets see. What have i been doing the past couple of years . I got a new couch. Jimmy thats great, yeah. And thats it. Jimmy thats all, huh . [ laughter ] so you kept very busy. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy but its a good couch, i hope. Im so glad youre back. Jimmy im so glad youre back. [ cheering ] and hopefully soon this actors strike will be settled. Indeed. Cannot wait. Jimmy weve had enough of this. And its time to get going already here. Yeah. Im really proud of the work that my unions are doing, and im in full support of them. And i really think that everybody cant wait to get back to work. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and i also like to point out that during this downtime where were not working, you havent been just sitting around. You did something brave, actually. You started a tiktok. [ laughter ] thats right. Thank you. It is brave. Thank you. Yeah. Heroic even. Jimmy why now . And why also . Well, i kind of lurked on tiktok for most of the pandemic for a couple of years. I just loved it. I thought it was really creative, and there are so many funny people on it. So i just waited a really long time to try to join it, because i didnt want to get it wrong. And i still might be getting it wrong, but its just kind of fun. Jimmy is there a way to get it wrong . Yeah, yeah. Jimmy oh really . I dont know. I dont trust it. Thats smart. Dont even go there. If you dont know, dont play. Dont play. [ laughter ] jimmy really . But, no. Im still like learning how to engage with it because i dont really have jimmy no other social media accounts . Oh, you got in with tiktok. I got in. Jimmy you really waited. [ laughter ] i really did. I really did. Jimmy thats a long time to keep your toe dipped in that water. Yeah, yeah. Its been super fun. And i kind of roped my friends in. Jimmy yeah, you made this video, dance video. Oh, yeah. Jimmy in las vegas. With the great maya rudolph. Jimmy with maya rudolph there you guys are. The great maya. Jimmy what song are we not hearing right now . Oh, we cant afford it. [ laughter ] cant afford it. [ cheering and applause ] but that, we were in your hometown during the cyber hack, and the funny story about that is we didnt even notice. Jimmy really . For real . Oh, okay. Im not a big gambler. Neither is maya. We were kind of walking through the casinos, its so quiet. Jimmy for those who dont know, some hackers got in, and they shut everything down. They were even like the doors to the rooms were opening on their own. Yeah. Thats what i heard, that you couldnt adjust your own blinds, which to me, thats not okay. Jimmy thats not good. Thats not okay. Jimmy the slot machines were not functioning. Yeah. The slot machines were down, i guess. You couldnt use credit cards. Jimmy thats not good. No. Jimmy and you did not notice . We did not. Jimmy how long were you there . We were there for a good amount of time. [ laughter ] and oh, lets post this tiktok. You know what . Vegas is in the news. And it was the hack. And we were like oh, we survived it. [ laughter ] because i think we probably have different las vegas experiences. Jimmy not only did you survive it, you ignored it completely. [ laughter ] why do you say we have different las vegas . Besides me living there and you not living there. Do you like to gamble . Jimmy a little bit. Not a ton. I dont do a ton. You dont lose your mind when youre there . Jimmy no, not at all. I do not. I learned. One of the very few things my father taught me is he said, you see these beautiful casinos . And i said, yeah. He goes, you think they built these from people winning . [ laughter ] i guess not. That stuck with me. Yeah. We didnt sense any of it. And when i walked away, remember all those oceans eleven movies where they had to contort themselves into a box and duck under lasers . They could have just gone to linkedin and click two buttons and could have got all the money. [ laughter ] jimmy bamboozled an i. T. Guy. The movie wouldnt have been as good. No, its all the i. T. Guys. It wouldnt have been as good. Brad pitt as the i. T. Guy would have been a little hard to buy. Jimmy did you do anything there . Did you go to shows . Eat . No. Jimmy nothing . No u2 or anything like that . No, but i saw their show was in the dome and all that stuff. That looks a little steep. Jimmy physically steep . It is physically steep. Have you been there . Jimmy i went, yeah. Its a little scary. It looks a little scary. Jimmy there should be more rails than there are. Im hoping they put in more rails. Because the whole time i was nervous the guy in front of me was going to go over the rail. And that whole thing is like one intrusive thought. It looks like its going to start to roll away. [ laughter ] it might. Jimmy wouldnt that be something . That would be fun. Im sure if it does, its meant to do that. [ laughter ] it might be fun. Jimmy roll through the desert and a giant dog followed behind it. [ laughter ] so you started a podcast. Uhhuh. Jimmy which i have to tell you something. The podcast is super funny. Thank you for listening to it. Jimmy how do you pronounce the title of the podcast . Its called dr. Sheila because you are to say doctor as a form of a question because she is not a licensed therapist. Jimmy so doctor has a question mark. And you have to say it that way, or else everyone will get in trouble. [ laughter ] jimmy what you have done is you parodied something that i didnt realize could or should be parodied, which i think is a great achievement. Thanks. Jimmy we all hear people parodying npr. This or that. Somebody did it first, obviously. But you zeroed in on this genre of podcasts. I love podcasts. Jimmy you do . I love them. I listen to them all the time. I loved yours in the Strike Force Five you did. Jimmy thank you very much. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] so great. Awesome. Jimmy we actually released our final edition of that tonight. Its good. Lets wrap it up. Jimmy yeah. [ laughter ] we covered it all. Its time to wrap up. But it was so funny. I listen to them all the time. And i love that they feel very intimate. You have your headphones on, and in l. A. Youre driving around in your car listening to it. And im kind of obsessed with this way in which people talk about their deep, very personal, awful, like intimate couple things in realtime for everyone to hear. So there is this big trend, couples therapy and all this stuff on shows and podcasts. And so i just wanted to play a therapist who was not a therapist and but just like get into the fun of giving bad advice and not being particularly good at your job, not a great listener, and just saying all those things th