Jimmy hello. Im jimmy. Im the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for coming. You did it. You made it. Dreams really do come true. We have much to get to tonight, including Jerry Seinfeld who is here in our studio for the first time. [ cheers and applause ] which is very exciting. Wait till you see his teeth, theyre perfect. [ laughter ] you will be amazed and delighted. Heres some good news, i think. According to a new report from the Washington Post, americans are sleeping more than they ever have. Or at least since scientists started sneaking into our rooms and measuring how much were sleeping. [ laughter ] we are sleeping more than we have in the last 20 years. As i look around, i see that some of you are sleeping right now before my eyes. [ laughter ] i do think about that sometimes. People watching at home, falling asleep while we work on the jokes and people not just a few people. Probably hundreds of thousands of people. Like imagine the rose bowl and Dodger Stadium and the cotton bowl filled to capacity with sleeping people. Thats who im talking to right now. [ laughter ] and its rude. Hey, speaking of sleepy, donald trump [ laughter ] i guess Teddy Dozevelt is tired from all the winning, because he nodded off in court again today. Cnn reported, trump is slumped back in his chair with his eyes closed. Which is what some call sleeping. Why is this not on tv, by the way . I want to see the drool. The good news for trump is that one of his family members finally showed up at court today. The bad news is, it was eric. [ laughter ] eric trump attended his dads porn star hush money trial today, which in the trump family is as close as you get to playing catch in the yard. [ laughter ] heres a question, if eric was on trial, you think trump would be there in court for him . [ audience no ] best case scenario, hed pull up in a limo, yell witch hunt out the window and drive back home for a taco bowl. [ laughter ] the first witness of the day was Michael Cohens former banker, gary farro, who, according to this courtroom sketch ive not seen him in person, but looks like a lego man came to life and grew ears. Judge merchan today, found trump to be in contempt of court for violating his gag order nine times. He fined trump a thousand dollars apiece, for a total of 9,000. Which should shut him up. [ laughter ] trump spends 9,000 at the wendys drivethru. [ laughter ] i have to say, i really honestly even though im not on trumps side, i dont think its fair. This trial is about the fact that he paid a woman to be quiet. Now if he isnt quiet, he has to pay them . It makes no sense. Theyre using his thing against him. [ laughter ] like jesus. A carpenter, who they nailed to a cross. I mean, think about it. Read about it in your trump brand bibles. [ laughter ] the judge also told trump that if he continues to violate the gag order, he might lock him up. Melania was like, dont let judge tell you what to do keep veeolating be a man [ laughter ] the Washington Post published a story that says trump is so furious about the trial hes too livid to fundraise. Which is very livid. I mean, thats lived have a la vida loca. Trump is annoyed, hes angry, hes flatulent, and worst of all, hes cold so im going to go into this trial, sit in a freezing cold icebox for eight hours, nine hours or so. So i appreciate you being here, thank you very much. Im going to go into the icebox now. [ laughter ] jimmy well, thats where leftover meatloaf belongs. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] incidentally the icebox is also what he calls melanias bedroom. [ rim shot ] i have to say, though i dont understand this. If trump is cold, why not add layers . Is that not masculine . Why not bundle up . So we have another day of court in a freezing courthouse. For a purpose, i believe. They dont seem to be able to get the temperature up. [ cheers and applause ] and thats fine. Thats just fine. Jimmy put some yarn on, its fine. One of the bigly talking points around the crazysphere has been about the judge not letting trump go to his son barrons High School Graduation next month. Even though the judge hadnt ruled on that subject at all, the maga media was absolutely outraged. As you know, my son is graduating from high school, and it looks like the judge will not let me go to the graduation of my son, whos worked very, veriard. Its always tough when you cant go to your sons graduation. I think its outrageous the court cant allow him a day to go see one of the most significant events in his sons life. He cant go to barrons graduation. Seems a little severe. He cant go to barron trumps High School Graduation. Donald trump wont be able to go to barrons High School Graduation. Could you believe this judge . Youre not even allowing a father, never mind a former president but a father, attend his sons graduation . Its absolutely ludicrous. It shows his bias. It shows, actually, his hatred towards donald trump. Jimmy yeah well, today the judge ruled that he will cancel court on may 17th so trump can go to barrons High School Graduation. Which is funny because now trump has to go to barrons graduation. [ laughter and applause ] he woke up from a dead sleep and yelled objection [ laughter ] one of trumps lawyers on the case is a guy named will scharf. Hes been making the rounds on the news channels and you can very quickly see why, because this is a man whose smile absolutely lights up a room. Hes also a republican candidate for Missouri Attorney general. Good to have you here today. Hes on the legal team representing former president trump. In north carolina, Lieutenant Governor talking about it, will sharf, former federal prosecutor former federal prosecutor will sharf. Mr. Sharf, good to see you. Jimmy hes the first human attorney to be generated by a. I. [ applause ] oh, were getting more details on what former years of trump might look like courtesy of trump himself. He sat for an interview with Time Magazine where he laid out his priorities for a second term. And its quite a his kampf, i tell you. This is all true. Trump says he would carry out a deportation operation designed to remove more than 11 Million People from the country. He says he would use the military to build migrant detention camps. He would let red states monitor womens pregnancies and prosecute those who violate abortion bans. He would, at his personal discretion, withhold funds appropriated by congress. He would fire any u. S. Attorney who wouldnt carry out his order to prosecute. He is weighing pardons for everyone who attacked the capitol on january 6th. He said he might not come to the aid of an ally in europe or asia if he felt that country wasnt paying enough. He would gut the civil service, close the White House Pandemic Preparedness Office and staff his administration only with those who believe the election was stolen from him. And, when asked about dictatorship, he said, i think a lot of people like it. [ laughter ] and hes on the cover of Time Magazine. He should be on the cover of doing Time Magazine. [ cheers and applause ] this is times maniac of the year. And while chocolate mussolini is laying out his terms for surrender, these insane proclamations that, coming from any other candidate, would set off air raid sirens, his buddies in the right wing media are focused on this. Heres the president of the united states, the man with the Nuclear Codes at his fingertips, grappling with a bowl of lettuce. He can barely feed himself. Watch this for a second. This isnt slowed down. This isnt edited. This is joe trying to eat a bite of salad. Just watch. Just watch. This man has the Nuclear Codes. Thats the president. Thats the president of the united states. The man whos going to push back on russia, china, north korea, are you kidding me . He cant even take a bite of his own salad. [ laughter ] jimmy at least hes had a bite of a salad. [ laughter and applause ] what is going on here . Is joe biden really doing such a great job that you have to focus on his croutons . [ laughter ] by the way, congratulations to travis kelce. He signed a twoyear contract extension with the kansas city chiefs. He is now the highestpained tight end in the nfl. [ cheers and applause ] deservedly so. The new contract is worth 34 million, or as taylor swift calls it, gum money. [ laughter ] can you imagine being in a relationship where you make 34 million and youre still the broke boyfriend . [ laughter ] another weird thing about dating taylor swift is you can be one of the great players of all time and this is the reaction you get to your contract extension this baby, his eyes full of tears. Hes so babygirl. Cutiepie sweet boy. Pookiest pookie. Hes either a Football Player or a kitten. Meanwhile, taylor swift is having a good week. Taylor is now the first artist in history to occupy all of the top 14 spots on billboards hot 100 list. [ cheers and applause ] she has 14 songs in the top 14 about how much people dont like her. 29 of the 31 tracks on her new album are in the top 50. Which is very sad for the two tracks that arent in the top 50. [ laughter ] i feel like taylor swift at this point, if she wanted to, could win the kentucky derby. [ laughter ] here in california, we have shenanigans afoot. Lawmakers in our state have introduced a bill that would make it easier for workers to not work. From home. This bill, ab2751, intends to create a better Work Life Balance for employees by establishing what they call a righttodisconnect rule. This means their employers could be fined for calling, texting or emailing outside of work hours. Guillermo, can you imagine if it was against the law for me to text you a little angel emoji before you go to bed. [ laughter ] i could actually be fined for that. Guillermo no, jimmy, no. Jimmy no. Its one of those weird ideas that make people wonder whats going on in california. While our governor, gavin newsom, waits for the bill to get to his desk, hes busy working on new propositions that actually benefit our state. A message from the 40th governor of california. Hey, hey, its your boy, the gavinor. Whats this states number one resource . Natural resources. A yes vote on prop 18 will protect them. Prop 18 will also protect californias historic monuments. Like the pool where phoebe cates took off her bikini top on fast times at ridgemont high. This bill also bans stoves of all kinds to help californians transition to a statewide raw vegan diet. With a special inandout by l. A. X. That you hit by flying back from a weekend. 80 of the cast on californias roads will be required to run off upcycled macadamia nut oil. Carpools to burning man will be mandatory. From the nipple bronies to the trustafarian dealers to the techbro narcs who make people uncomfortable on the playa. This bill also institutes a voluntary Buyback Program for truck owners to replace their gas guzzlers with cleanburning pride floats. Droughtresistant lawns are not enough, we need droughtresistance families where both children and all three parents can survive without water, instead relying on reverse osmosis, lifegiving hydration. Finally, prop 18 will protect l. A. s skate parks from falling vehi victim to greedy community activists. Not on my solarpowered watch. All right. Who wants to see some sick [ bleep ] . Come on, governor, youre better than this jimmy thank you, governor. We have a great show for you tonight. Melissa benoist is here, weve got music from Rhiannon Giddens and well be right back with Jerry Seinfeld. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Tonight, she is originally from krypton. Her new show is called, the girls on the bus. Melissa benoist is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later a grammywinning singer songwriter, you can hear he play the banjo on beyonces new album. Her own album is called youre the one. Rhiannon giddens from the don julio stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night well be joined by ryan gosling and jeff ross. So please join us for that. [ applause ] our first guest tonight is a brilliant and funny man who loves breakfast so much he made a whole movie about it. In three days, his decadeslong love affair with poptarts blossoms with a new comedy called unfrosted. Watch it starting friday on netflix. Please say hello to Jerry Seinfeld. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its very good to see you. Its so good to see you. Dont you feel that this is quite a Television Moment . Jimmy it is. For me its a big Television Moment. For me too. Well, not really. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah, yeah. But because you are a television fixture, i am a television fixture, we have never been on television together. Jimmy that is true. [ cheers and applause ] when i think of a fixture, i think of like a faucet or something. Youre so much more than just a fixture, id say, jerry. And its great to have you here. We did it on zoom once. But to have you here thats not show business. Jimmy no, it really isnt. It really isnt. Its very good to to have you. Did you ever see the clip before Dave Letterman walked through the apartment door on my set . Jimmy yes, yeah. Thats what this is. I feel like thats what this is. What is he Dave Letterman is hanging around my set one day, why dont you come in the door . We shot it. He came in, pretended he was on the show. It wasnt part of episode. Seeing him walk through that door is great. I think were having a little, what jimmy like when cumulative clavin was on jeopardy . Happy birthday. Oh, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i feel like youre the kind of guy that doesnt like people singing to you . I dont. Jimmy yeah, no. I dont. Because you know, having an audience like this they make you feel so good. Thats enough. Jimmy thats good, yeah. That feels like enough. Jimmy do you think if you didnt have the audience in your life that you would like you would enjoy that moment with your family . Theres no way i could know that. Because theyve been there so long. Jimmy it was a big birthday, your 70th birthday. 70 years old, yeah, isnt that weird . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy was it fun . Did you have a good did you have a big night . I had the most memorable Birthday Dinner ive ever had in my life, and i cant tell you why. Jimmy truly . Cant tell you why. Jimmy was larry david with you . Larry david was there. My wife jessica was there. Jimmy i would hope so. Chris bianco came and cooked pizza for it. Jimmy thats good. You know chris. Jimmy i know him quite well. He sends his best. Jimmy i texted him, how did it go with jerry last night . You know known him a little longer than me, but ive known him a long time. Jimmy you had the dream evening with the pizza and the whole deal. Yes, yes. Jimmy larry david, does he buy you a gift . No, no. Jimmy you dont want a gift. I got the greatest gift for my birthday from colin quinn, who texted me. As your Birthday Gift, you dont have to return this text. [ laughter ] jimmy thats a great gift. I thought that was a really nice gift. Jimmy you and larry had a great moment in the more than just a great moment. That finale of curb your enthusiasm where you guys [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Jimmy i love that you guys have gone into this discussion of the bearded lady thing, yeah. Jimmy and it had i even went back and rewatched it to make sure that i was seeing what i thought i saw. It had nothing to do with the show at all. Nothing. Jimmy it really had nothing to do with the show. Nothing. But what you saw there is how larry and i wrote comedy. Because i didnt know what he was going to say. They had that set up. Hes going to suggest a strange idea to you. And you just respond. So the other thing, i said to larry last night, on the show its like a minute, two minutes. It was actually like an eightminute chunk thats hilarious because he slowly builds to it. You meet this amazing girl, theres only one problem. You know. Jimmy i boo woo love to see why dont we put that out . He said they hadnt thought of it. [ laughter ] hbo, snap out of it, get in the business. Jimmy a nice Birthday Gift for you, for larry to put that eight minutes together. Yes, yes. Jimmy you guys socially have conversations like this about we have always every conversation we have is like that, yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy i feel like with him, sometimes ive wanted to say, oh, i saw something that is a perfect larry david situation. And then i dont. Because i know that he probably gets bombarded with that. Sure. Jimmy but i witnessed a perfect larry david situation involving larry david, where he was standing in front of a fireplace and talking to three people about whether or not its okay to throw his gum in the fireplace. [ laughter ] right. Jimmy he was looking for a ruling on that. Right. Jimmy yeah. Does gum burn . Jimmy thats a great another great question. Thats the issue. I dont know if its a great question, but jimmy solid Larry David Seinfeld discussion question. Yeah. Jimmy this movie unfrosted, you know i love you, right . Honestly i do. Thats so nice, thank you. And i didnt know that. [ laughter ] jimmy one of the things that i and even if you didnt, its nice to hear it. [ laughter ] jimmy one of the things [ cheers and applause ] one of the things that i love, honestly, is how you will grab on to a subject yeah. Jimmy you will explore every crevice of that subject. Yes. Jimmy you will find every funny little thing about it. Yeah, yeah, i love doing it. Jimmy watching this movie made me wish i had written this movie with you. Yeah. Jimmy because we would have had fun. Jimmy you found so many funny things about cereal. Yes. I love if i think somethings funny, i will dig into it like a little jack russell terrier. [ laughter ] i cant stop. Jimmy i dont want to ruin any of the jokes. Go ahead. Jimmy theres so many things that [ laughter ] well, just like like the quaker oats guy is such a great character. Yes, the isaiah lamb is the quaker oats guy. Were sitting at the fallen spoon awards. We turned it into show business, you know.