Thank you for coming. Thank you for joining us here in beautiful hollywood, california. Where i dont know about it, but just about every comedian in the world is gathered here in l. A. This week. Netflix is having a big comedy festival here this week. Last night, they had a roast of tom brady. A live roast and all the stars were there my prediction, iron mike is going to kill that baby. It will be the only legal abortion in texas. Jimmy look at that guillermo in the audience. Was it fun . It was great. Jimmy good in person . It was very good. Jimmy tom brady, i dont know why he did this, but he was a pretty good sport. Its hard to believe only 13 years ago, donald trump was the subject of a big celebrity roast. People hatin on him because trump is always firing people. But its kind of okay because he completely let himself go any way. Donald hey, chill. You know what, donald . You got the tan, you got the laundry down. But you got to hit the gym, porkchop. But donald, i like how you roll. Ive seen pictures of your house. Everything in your house is gold. Who decorated your house . Flavor flavs dentist . Jimmy and it all went down hill from there. Remember the situation . Mike the situation . He was actually in prison with trumps former lawyer michael cohen, who is currently testifying against him. They were at the Otisville Federal Correctional Institution at the same time. And maybe trump will be there next in new york today, the judge in the hush money trial found trump to be in contempt for violating the terms of his gag order again. This is trumps tenth violation, and were only on day twelve of the trial. Hes already paid 9000 in fines for the first nine, which doesnt sound like a lot, but it is a lot for orange, who wont be getting his allowance this week. The judge is now threatening to put trump in jail if he doesnt stop talking about the case. Which means trump is definitely going to jail. He cant stop talking about the case. Thats like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself. Dont ahh. Whatever. Its his nature. Sending the former president on a trip to baralago. According to judge merchan, is the last thing i want to do, which is funny, because its the first thing i would want to do. Its number one on my list. How would that even work . Would they give him a cavity search . God help whoever gets that gig. They might find Vivek Ramaswamy living up there. Like a keester elf. The judge made it very clear today that incarceration is truly a last resort, but this is getting real. You know, they still havent figured out what to do about secret service if they have to lock him up. They might have to go to prison too. Can you imagine that . You work your whole life to become a secret service agent, assigned to protecting the president of the united states. Somehow you wind up doing 12hour shifts in a prison cell with count flatula . Over the weekend, one of trumps former mistresses, karen mcdougal, the former playboy playmate whose story of a yearlong affair with trump was purchased specifically to be buried by the national enquirer, she posted a picture of the book catch and kill while she was in a bathtub in what appears to be a private dining room at the cheesecake factory. I dont know. Thats gotta make him a little nervous. Every time she thinks of their affair, she has to bathe. Karen is expected to testify later this month. You know, weve been talking about stormy so much, we forgot about karen, which will be fun for melania. On saturday, trump hosted an event at maralago for wealthy donors. It was a luncheon that included around a dozen potential running mates, all of whom are auditioning to be his number two on the exciting new reality competition show so you think you can pence. Only donald trump could end up with a running mate and a cellmate in the same month. But among the poll s are rubio, elise stefanik, jd vance and south dakota governor kristi noem. I love that she thinks she still has a shot. She had a shot, and she used it, on her dog theres no way trump is going to pick kristi noem. But he wants to keep her around in case one of the other lapdogs stops obeying his commands. Kristi can drag em to the rock quarry and put em down. You know, ive talked about this subject a few times and i always feel like half our audience thinks im kidding about the dog killing stuff. Im not kidding. Kristi noem has a book coming out tomorrow, in which she brags about shooting her own puppy. And not just a puppy, this nomicidal maniac also murdered her goat. You put it in a chapter bad day to be a goat. And then after you shot the dog you realized a, quote, another unpleasant job had to be done. Jimmy writing about shooting her puppy, goat and three horses might be the mostdamaging unforced error anyone has ever made. Not since Plaxico Burress of the new york giants shot himself in the leg outside a nightclub to end his season and do 20 months in jail has a highprofile human being done this much damage to herself. And now shes trying to spin it like the ghostwriter somehow screwed her over. Maybe the ghost writer was the ghost of the goat we dont know. And not only did she admit to shooting pets, she also lied about meeting kim jong un. You talk about meeting some world leaders. Quote, i remember when i met with north korean dictator kim jongun. Im sure he underestimated me, having no clue about my experience staring down little tyrants. Ive been a childrens pastor, after all. Did you meet kim jongun . Well, you know, as soon as this was brought to my attention, i certainly made some changes and looked at this passage, and ive met with many, many world leaders. So im glad that this book is being released in a couple of days, and that those edits will be in place, and that people will have the updated version. So you did not meet with kim jongun . Thats what youre saying . I met with many, many world leaders. Many world leaders. Im not going talk about my specific meetings with world leaders. I am saying that this book is very, very good, and ive met with many world leaders. Jimmy thats right. All she is trying to say is the book is very, very good and shes met with many world leaders, none of them being kim jongun. Why would she even claim this . Shes like the female George Santos. Although sometimes George Santos is the female George Santos. And by the way, its a shame she [ applause ] its really kind of a shame she didnt meet kim jongun, because if anyone would be on her side when it comes to dog killing, i mean, thats the guy. So i know, even though she wrote it in her book, she wont say whether or not she met kim jongun. If you have to retract it or parts of it im not retracting anything. Okay. Im not retracting anything. Which is interesting, because the publisher announced a the request of governor noem, we are removing a passage regarding kim jongun. Oh wait, is that what retracting means . In that case, i guess we are retracting. At Churchill Downs saturday, they had the running of the 150th annual kentucky derby. A horse won this year, which is cool. It was really a dramatic finish. The lead to the final 16th. Forever young, sierra leone is coming. Down to the wire. Who is it going to be . She has to be stopped [ applause ] this is nothing to do with politics, but back in october you may have seen my wife and i surprised our kids jane and billy, by picking up a hitchhiker named Olivia Rodrigo on their way to school. They love Olivia Rodrigo. And it has been the talk of our house ever since. So a friend of mine suggested that it might be funny if we do the same thing and pick him up along the side of the road. As a surprise. Now he is not a pop singer, beloved by 9 and 7 year olds. And in fact, my children have no idea who he is at all. But they do now. Here is what happened this morning on our way to school. And away we go mom, this car would be really god for a road trip. I agree. Its nice and spacious. Yeah. This guy. No way. Should we pick him up . Oh my god. What . Youre doing this again oh my god. Hey, guys, you mind if i hitch a ride . Sure. Come on in. Hi, how you doing . Thank you so much. Excuse me there, im sorry. Okay, hold on. Oh my goodness. Its a little tight. Its a little tight. Okay. Its a little tight. Jimmy no worry. So where you headed . My foot is just okay. Here we go. Hey, guys whats so funny, jane . How are you guys doing . You know whats so funny. Do you know who this is . Theyre overwhelmed. They say dont meet your heroes. Jimmy oh, do they . Some people, yeah. But i get that. Are you guys excited . You know, im in a band. I dont know if you guys. Jimmy you guys know his songs, right . Weve never played. Ive got them on my phone if you want to hear them. Jimmy you know his name, right . Jane . You can sing along. Guys, sing along, here we go. Long did you like it . Yes. You guys are so nice. Hey, has this ever happened before . Has anyone ever gotten in the car with you before . Yes. It has . Who got in the car with you . Olivia rodrigo. What . When i got in, was it sort of the same feeling . Yeah, a good feeling. It was a good feeling. Your daughter is the nicest person ever. Jimmy get to know her a little more. Shes being so kind to me. Its unbelievable. What time do you normally go to school . This time. So you guys are up every day at this time . Oh, yeah. More or less. This is our alarm clock right here named billy. Wakes up every day. We pack them a lunch. What did you pack for lunch . What are we dealing with . What do we got . I think are you eating your lunch . Im licking it. Youre licking it . Its 8 00. What is it . Oh, lucky. You have that too . I put a few nerds. You put nerds in their lunch . Yes, i did. Are you insane . Only three. Three nerds. Thats like putting cocaine in their lunch. Do you guys know who this is . Oh, we didnt tell them who i was yet . No, no, not really. So my name is jon stewart of the daily show. But he only works on mondays. Because hes very old, and i dont want the say brittle, but if he were to work as my mom and my dad worked, he would turn into a bag of dust. Yeah. As you get older, what happens is a lot of the moisture from your body just evaporates. So when youre young, youre a grape. And then you get to be my age, and youre a raisin, and then you can only work mondays. [ laughter ] jimmy today is a monday. So im working today. Water oh, do you need water . All this has made me unbelievably hungry. Jimmy has it . Is this where you want to go . I dont want to. But there is something that draws me here. Jimmy okay. Yes. So have you guys ever heard of a diarrhea factory . No. Jimmy kids, dont listen to mr. Stewart. Daddy loves arbys. In fact, i had arbys cater my 30th birthday. Is that really true . Thats true. That is before i came along. Before i came along, of course. Jane, i would like to work with you some day, or for you. I would like to hire you to taunt my enemies. Should we listen to one Olivia Rodrigo song on our way out . Sure, you want to . I told secrets i shouldnt tell i made it worse, each team i step outside its so what is the bad word . Jimmy there is no bad maybe you shout a bad word and well pretend its in the song. Okay. Bankers. [ applause ] no, what is happening . Jimmy we have to be more careful about who we let our kids hang around with. I think so. Theyve corrupted me. I didnt do anything. I was just sitting here. Dick jimmy oh, no. Have a great day make good choices. I will. Be safe. Who was that . I have no idea. [ cheering ] jimmy oh, hey thank you jimmy my son, jon stewart, everybody. [ cheering ] weve got a great show for you tonight. Mike birbiglia is here. Tremendous jimmy we have music from incubus. What . Jimmy oh, yeah. Im excited. Jimmy and well be right back with luke bryan. Jon stewart lou Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live brought to you by allstate. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight, an exceptionally funny man. You can see him in his new oneman show please stop the ride. Mike birbiglia is with us. [ cheering ] then later, from calabasas, with a new version of their classic album, retitled morning view 23. It comes out friday. Incubus from the don julio outdoor stage. [ cheering ] you can see incubus on tour live starting august 23rd in detroit, michigan. This week, we have new shows with chris pine, josh brolin, nikki glaser, bert kreischer, Chris Perfetti and David Beckham with music from sarah mclachlan, andra day and cage the elephant. [ cheering ] our first guest has a truckbed full of amas, cmas and whatever other mas there are. You can watch him nurture and crush young talent alongside lionel and katy on American Idol live sunday nights here on abc. Please welcome luke bryan. [ cheering and applause ] jimmy you smell like leather. Its rich mahogany and leather or something, or leatherbound books. Jimmy whatever it is, im swooning. How are you . Im good, im good. Good to see you. Jimmy its good to see you too. You worked live last night. Yeah, we were here last night. Jimmy on Cinco De Mayo. I was able to prolong a margarita until after the show. Jimmy one margarita like your song. Two margarita, three. You know the drill. And a shot. I didnt do the shot. So i avoided that. Work. I have to be polished today. Jimmy have you found that on Cinco De Mayo like monster mash on halloween, that one margarita is something that suddenly gets a spike in listens . I would love the route of mariah carey. Jimmy yes, all i want for christmas. And Lee Greenwood on fourth of july. Jimmy god bless the usa, yes. Id love to see my downloads skyrocket on Cinco De Mayo. Jimmy Cinco De Mayo. Oh, and by the way, we have mothers day coming up. We have often spoken about your mom. How is your mom doing . Well, my mother, shes amazing. We got her in the new house. She that was her mission of last year is to talk me into moving. She is in a beachtown, mexico beach, florida. Jimmy okay. There we go. If you know it, you know it. But so, yes. She moved a quarter of a mile down the beach to a much better setup. Jimmy a better house. At my expense. Jimmy of course, yes. Jimmy do you worry that she is going to want to move another quarter mile and another quarter mile . Its all about upgrades for my mother. Its like when you go Online Shopping and you add to the cart . Jimmy yes. She is just clicking the add to the cart. So now between there is an empty lot between her house and the beach. Jimmy yeah. And shes her latest push is for me to maybe purchase the empty lot so she can maintain her beach view in case someone ever, you know, builds on top of it. Jimmy are you thinking about that . Well, there is a realtor down there that is probably going to call me in the morning. So she had no trouble. I mean, its a beachfront lot. Its not cheap. But then she calls me with all this anxiety to purchase four 300 palm trees. And im like well, yes. Whats that, 1200 . Yeah, get the palm trees. So i think she baited me with the lot so the 1200 palm trees were oh, as long as youre happy with the palm trees. Jimmy lets go to the lot, yeah. And now the lot is going to cost a lot. Ewe t you talked about it and they know youre not interested in the lot. Yeah, im not interested. Maybe i am. I dont know. Jimmy does she have like a big group of friends down there in florida . Its pretty Country Little town, you know. I call her up, and im like well, what are you doing . And she is like well, gator is coming to pick me up, and me and Peanut Butter and muller are going down to the canal. Jimmy are these humans . They are not pits. Theyre actually human beings. Jimmy gator . Gator, Peanut Butter and mullet. Jimmy mullet . Is mullet a man . Mullet is a male jimmy i dont know i have. Jimmy what about Peanut Butter . These people come and go out of her life because she is a little bit taxing on you. But there is always a new name that comes in. Jimmy and never a normal name like lydia . Like walter or nothing. Jimmy nothing. Its always like i dont know, skeeter. Skeeter is jimmy there is a skeeter . Got to be. Jimmy it sounds like she is putting together a team to like carry out a heist or something. Oceans 11 of mexico beach, florida, right . Theyre going to rob the bait and tackle shop. Jimmy speaking of bait and tackle. And steal some ice. Jimmy i have to ask you about something. I cannot believe this is true. I heard that you and i know you like fishing. We discussed this before. Its a passion, yes. Jimmy but i heard that you have a weird allergy that ive never heard of anyone having before. I am allergic to bass, touching bass and sun fish. Jimmy youre allergic to touching them. What about eating them . Never seemed to have had a problem. Jimmy what happens when you touch a bass . So lets just paint the picture. Were down in im 11 years old. Jimmy you are . Geez its rough growing up in georgia. But the picture is im a boy, 11 years old, and im catching fish with my dad, you know. Well, im in the boat, and were catching fish. You know, you get fish slime and whatever son a bass or whatever. It gets in your eyes and you touch it. And youre getting hooks out of the fishs mouth. My hands are swelling. And my eyes are swelling shut. But were outside. So my whole life, my dad was just oh, hell, son, its just the allergies, you know. And then they load me up with benadryl and cocacola, and i make it through another day, you know. But if i go bass fishing, man, it wrecks me. Jimmy are you like allergy to salmon and trout . I can trout fish, salmon, trout or anything doesnt bother me. Ive never had a problem. It would be like Michael Jordan allergic to touching the basketball. Jimmy well, yeah, are you that good at fishing . [ laughter ] [ applause ] hell yeah i am jimmy luke bryan, everybody. Well be right back. Engineered to minimize noise. And built for adventure. Which can also be your own quiet cabin in the woods. The fully electric q8 etron. An electric vehicle that recharges you. How we get there matters. No two bodies are the same. Some pads, never got that message. But, always flexfoam did it protects against different flows for up to zero leaks. And it flexes to fit all bodies, for up to zero feel. Feel it yourself with always flexfoam. 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