President trump, today, instructed the state department to develop a plan to relocate the us embassy from tel aviv to jerusalem. And melania has developed a plan to relocate herself from d. C. Back to new york. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] towards the end of the speech on israel today, President Trump began to slur his words leading some to speculate that he make have been wearing dentures. But the white house insists that its nothing unusual and that most of his words are slurs. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] here, take a look. I asked the leaders of the region, political and religious. Israeli and palestinian. Jewish and christian and muslim to join us in the nobel quest for lasting peace. Thank you. God bless you. God bless israel. God bless the palestinians and god bless the united states. Thank you very much. [ laughter and applause ] seth i cant believe both our first and our last president had fake teeth. [ laughter ] or as trump calls dentures, fake chews. [ laughter ] thats the best joke youre ever going to hear and you didnt appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] fake chews. [ laughter ] according to reports, the rnc has donated 170,000 to the Alabama Republican Party to support Controversial Senate candidate roy moore. And it looks like, hes already spent it. [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] 32 Democratic Senators have now called on senator al franken to step aside after another woman accused him of Sexual Misconduct. Also stepping aside, women when they see al franken coming. [ laughter ] Time Magazine has named the silence breakers of the me to Sexual Harassment activism movement as their 2017 person of the year. So they didnt choose you but you definitely got mentioned. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] a town in maine hosted a parade over the weekend in honor of the inventor of ear muffs. Unfortunately, he had no idea. [ laughter ] you know its nice with all the negative news out there that when theres a story about ear muffs, youre pretty happy. [ light laughter ] according to new research, it can take up to four weeks for a womans skin to recover from a night of bing drinking. Just ask hannah, a freshman at umass. [ laughter ] i went way too hard last night. Today was National Microwave oven day. I cant wait to nuke somethin said one man. [ laughter ] and finally, this is very exciting. Thanks to new technology we have developed here at late night we now have the ability to record and then listen to the inner voice that is in Donald Trumps head. So here for the third time this week is the tiny voice in the back of Donald Trumps head. [ cheers and applause ] hey, donald, its me. The tiny voice in the back of your head. And now its time to shake hands with a bunch of people who know you cant do this job. Oh, its true. Youre terrible at this job and everyone knows it. Look at this guy, hes shaking your hands but he thinks youre a bad president. Oh, man, this guy too. Hes saying, good job. But inside his head hes saying donald trump is a grade a moron. [ laughter ] all these people are thinking that. Oh, heres an old lady. You know what shes thinking . Oh, you went bankrupt a bunch of times you should not have this job. Go on your way. Shes saying go on your way. We dont need you here. Bye. Youre pathetic, sad. [ cheers and applause ] seth we have an excellent show for you tonight. Hes starring in the new netflix film, el Camino Christmas, dax shepard is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] from acclaimed drama darkest hour, lily james is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and his latest novel mindcraft, the island is out now, max brooks is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] so youre hear on a good one. But before we get to that, President Trump is now all in on backing the accused sexual predator running for senate in alabama and offering sympathy for a former top aide who lied to the fbi. Making clear once again what trump really means when he says hes tough on crime. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth during the campaign, trump repeatedly cast himself as the candidate who would be tough on crime, using one nixonian phrase in particular. We need law and order in our country. I am the law and order candidate. I will restore law and order. Law and order. Law and order. We have to bring back law and order. Seth that would have been a Great Campaign promise if he meant the tv show. Were gonna bring back law and order and also look for allnew episodes of freaks and geeks. [ laughter ] although, in a way, trump was right. 10 months into his presidency, and his administration is already being investigated by sam waterston. [ laughter ] trump of course has routinely lied about rising crime levels and promised that only he could restore law and order. But not only has he lied about the crime stats, hes also been very specific about who he claims is responsible for those crimes. They want to have Illegal Immigrants pouring into our country, bringing with them crime. Tremendous amounts of crime. We dont want to have that. We want to have a great, beautiful, crime free country. When i talk immigration and when i talk about illegal immigration and all the problems with crime. Illegal immigration also brings with it massive crime. We want strong borders. We dont want drugs coming in. We dont want crime coming in. End illegal immigration. Stop the massive inflow of refugees. Reduce surging crime. So when i said we have to have a moratorium, we have to have a ban until we find out whats going on. I took a tremendous amount of heat. And now everyones sort of saying, trump is right. Seth no one is saying trump is right. [ laughter ] the only time anyones ever said [ cheers and applause ] the only time anyones ever said trump is right is on the golf course. [ light laughter ] where did the president s ball go . Oh, trump is right over in the trees. You cant see him because his hair blends in with the rough. [ laughter ] of course, it didnt seem to matter to trump that immigrants actually commit fewer crimes than nativeborn americans, or that refugees are carefully vetted. Nor did it matter to trump that he was wrong when he retweeted a racist infographic falsely claiming that 81 of whites are killed by african americans, a stat that was completely false. And rather than admit that it was wrong, trump adamantly defended himself. You tweeted out that whites killed by blacks, these are statistics you picked up from somewhere, at a rate of 81 and thats totally wrong. Whites killed by black is 15 , yet you tweeted its 81 . Now bill i didnt tweet, i retweeted somebody that was supposedly an expert and it was also a radio show. Yeah, but why do you want to be in that zone . Hey bill, bill, am i gonna check every statistic . Ive got millions and millions of people. You got to, youre a president ial contender, youve got to check it. Ive got millions of people. You know what . Fine. But this came out of radio shows and everything else. Oh come on, radio shows . All it was was a retweet. Excuse me, all it was is a retweet, it wasnt from me, and it did, it came out from a radio show and other places. Wouldnt it be better seth you know youre in a bad place when bill oreilly is telling you you have to do better. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thats like steve bannon telling you to go clean yourself up. [ laughter ] so trump has made clear repeatedly who hes really talking about when he talks about crime. Which might explain why, when his former National Security adviser Michael Flynn actually pleaded guilty to a very serious crime, lying to the fbi. Trump, the law and order candidate, suddenly found a soft spot in his heart for criminals, while falsely claiming that hillary had also lied to the fbi. Well i feel badly for general flynn, i feel very badly. Hes led a very strong life and i feel very badly, john. I will say this, Hillary Clinton lied many times to the fbi, and Nothing Happened to her. Seth hillary did not lie to the fbi. She was interviewed by the fbi, and they found no wrongdoing. Thats like getting caught robbing a bank and telling the cops, what about all those people taking money from the atm . [ light laughter ] and that [ applause ] that came after an unhinged twitter rant from trump, the guy who based his entire campaign on law and order, defending a confessed criminal and attacking the fbi for its investigation of a potential conspiracy to undermine an election. First trump tweeted, so general flynn lies to the fbi and his life is destroyed, while crooked Hillary Clinton, on that now famous fbi holiday interrogation with no swearing in and no recording, lies many times and nothing happens to her. Rigged system, or just a double standard . Man, the new 280 character limit on twitter is turning trump into a beat poet. [ laughter ] so she lies many times and nothing happens to her . Rigged system . [ drumming ] or just a double standard . [ cheers and applause ] man. Trump then attacked the fbi more directly after a report that one of the agents involved in the clinton investigation had sent some antitrump text messages. Trump tweeted, tainted. No, very dishonest . Fbi agents role in Clinton Probe under review. Whats with the parenthetical . [ light laughter ] hes starting to disagree with himself in his own tweets. He sounds like a tortured writer dictating a letter to an assistant. Tainted . No. Very dishonest reporting from lying media. Scratch that, fake news. Let me see that. Oh, this is good. Send this one out. [ laughter and applause ] so trump says hes tough on crime when he thinks those crimes have been committed by immigrants, refugees, africanamericans, or his political opponents, but not when theyve been committed by the people closest to him, like flynn or Paul Manafort or sheriff joe arpaio. Or alabama Senate Candidate roy moore, who has been accused by at least nine women of Sexual Harassment and assault, including several who were underage at the time. After the news broke about moore, it didnt take long for trump to give him the benefit of the doubt. He totally denies it. He says it didnt happen. And you know, you have to listen to him also. Youre talking about he said 40 years ago this did not happen. And i do have to say, 40 years is a long time. He has run eight races and this has never come up. So 40 years is a long time. The women are trump voters. Most of them are trump voters. All you can do is you have to do what you have to do. Seth all you can do is you have to do what you have to do . Sounds like a Fortune Cookie written by someone who was completely out of ideas. Uh, all you can do is you have to do what you have to do. Lottery numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . [ laughter ] and after trumps endorsement of moore, republicans quickly began to fall in line. Just weeks ago the Republican National committee cut ties with moore, but after trumps endorsement the rnc is getting back into the Alabama Senate race and will transfer funds to the Alabama Republican Party. And Senate Majority leader mitch mcconnell, who just weeks ago said he believed the women and called on moore to step aside, softened his position so much, he couldnt even bring himself to say moores name. If he wins will you insist on referring his case to the Senate Ethics committee . Well i think were going to let the people of alabama decide a week from tuesday who they want to send to the senate and then well address the matter appropriately. Do you believe that judge moore should be in the senate . Im gonna let the people of alabama make the call. But you are prepared to take action if he is indeed elected . The Ethics Committee will have to consider the matters that have been litigated in the campaign should that particular candidate win. Seth that particular candidate . Did you forget his name . Because heres a phrase to help you remember it. He likes to wear corduroy, and he cant go to the mall any moore. [ laughter and applause ] of course, as if it needs to be said again, the allegations against moore are credible, corroborated by dozens of sources and supporting evidence. And yet, presented with this evidence, all the Moore Campaign can do is call the accusers liars, as a spokeswoman for the Moore Campaign did on cnn on tuesday, during a truly mindbending interview in which she also tried to point out that there are still women in alabama who have not accused moore of sexual assault. [ light laughter ] one of the jobs of journalists is to not just take an Academy Award performance at face value. You need to dig into the facts, and one of the facts in the case. 30 people corroborated her story who knew roy moore between 1977 and 1992. Actually, actually they did not they did, according to the recordings of the post. Poppy, we need to make it clear that theres a group of nonaccusers, that have not accused the judge of any Sexual Misconduct or anything illegal. Seth thats literally their best argument. [ laughter ] i cant wait to see their ads. Did you know there are over two and half million women in alabama, and just under two and a half million have never been sexually assaulted by roy moore. [ cheers and applause ] but the most revealing comments trump has made about this race are about moores opponent, doug jones, a lifelong prosecutor who convicted the kkk members responsible for the Birmingham Church bombing that killed four little girls. Trump has repeatedly claimed that alabamians should vote for moore, rather than jones, because of their positions on crime. Jones, ive looked at his record. Its terrible on crime. I can tell you for a fact we do not need somebody thats going to be bad on crime. But i can tell you, you dont need somebody who is soft on crime like jones. We dont want to have a liberal democrat in alabama, believe me. We want strong borders, we want stopping crime. Seth we want stopping crime . Its official, we elected sheriff tarzan. [ laughter ] but think about that, trump says he wants to stop crime, but hes backing an accused child molester over a prosecutor who convicted the kkk. Which tells you that when he uses the word crime, thats not what he really means. He doesnt want to stop crime, he wants to stop immigrants, refugees, or his political opponents. For years weve heard republicans call themselves the party of law and order, and now trump has revealed what they really mean. Trump talks tough when it comes to mexicans, muslims, africanamericans, and women. But if youre a white man who happens to be close to trump or support his agenda, the strongest thing he can say is this. All you can do is you have to do what you have to do. Seth this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with dax shepard everybody. [ cheers and applause ] announcer for more of seths closer looks be sure to subscribe to late night on youtube. Part of your everyday routine with roomba from irobot. Just press clean and roomba gets to work. Roomba uses a patented dirt detect™ system that attacks dirt in hightraffic areas of your home. While two multisurface brushes and powerlifting suction grab and remove everything from fine dust to large debris. Daily dirt doesnt stand a chance. You and roomba from irobot. Better together. At tmobile, when you holiday together, great things come in twos. Like tmobile and netflix. Right now when you get an unlimited family plan, netflix is included. Ho ho ho tmobile covers your netflix subscription. Best Christmas Gift ever . So you can binge watch all year long. Now youre thinking christmas and now when you buy any of this seasons hot new Samsung Galaxy phones, you get a second one free to gift. Thats one samsung for you. And one to give. Tmobile. Holiday twogether. No one id rather have dinner and a movie with. No one id rather lean on. Being in love is an amazing thing. Being in love with your best friend. Is everything. Ever us one diamond for your best friend. One for your true love. For the one woman in your life whos both. Ever us. Available at kay, jared and zales. [firewor[ ]xploding] hurry in to old navy get gifting with up to 60 off the entire store. Thats up to 60 off the entire store with styles from 6 dollars, at old navy. speaking hindi speaking spanish hraaerrr wookiee . Campbells new star wars soups. Made for real, real life. Campbells new star wars soups. Music playing bye scout where is it you wanna go . Where is it you wanna go . Check it out oh, dude. Im sending it to him. Where is it you wanna go . Where is it you wanna go . Where is it you wanna go . Where is it you wanna go . Thank you. Where is it you wanna go . Where is it you wanna go . Hey hey. Whatcha doin on your computer . Whats a computer . [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Give it up to the 8g band, right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also back on drums tonight, hes been a member of tenacious d, bad religion. And now with multiplatinum rock band avenged sevenfold, who were just honored with their first ever grammy nomination for the stage. Be sure to check out their u. S. Tour, which kicks off in january. Brooks wackerman, everybody thank you so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Seth our first guest is a talented and very funny actor, you know from the nbc series parenthood and films such as chips and baby mama. He stars in the upcoming movie el Camino Christmas, which begins streaming on netflix this friday. Lets take a look. You said that you thought that maybe this kid you arrested last night that he could be the gunman . Yes, yes. I mean im fairly certain. Although, i i do believe, i saw two white males, 20s, duck behind the counter. And i mean this one this is crazy. But i thought i saw a little kid. Jes