[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Wow, look at you guys. Looking good [ cheers and applause welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody. Please thank you very much. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it you are here you made it. Thank you for being here [ cheers and applause you guys i love you too [ light laughter ] you guys, earlier tonight on nbc, we had the first nfl preseason game between the broncos and the falcons. So if you enjoyed watching people hit each other, you probably loved last nights debate [ light laughter ] thats right everyone went after joe biden at the democratic debate and he knew it was coming. Did you see what he said to Kamala Harris before it started . Watch this [ cheers and applause go easy on me, kid. Jimmy yeah [ cheers and applause that might be a sign you are too old to be president when you call a 54year old a kid. He was like, yeah [ laughter ] a lot of people talking were about bidens age. Cause there was also an awkward moment when he confuses his Campaign Website with a text message. Listen to this if you agree with me, go to joe 30330 and help me in this fight. [ laughter ] jimmy Bernie Sanders was watching at home going, bingo i got o33 [ laughter ] 033, bingo i got [ cheers and applause he doesnt know what hes doing. [ applause ] last night wasnt the first time bidens had trouble with giving out this number here he is at a rally back in may. Send a text to the word united get him, joe. To the number 30330, 30330 or 303330. [ laughter ] anyway, you got it jimmy on the next debate, hell be telling people to text c3po. [ laughter ] its like, no, stop just stop talking. But back to last night, while all his opponents attacked him, biden tried to fight back. He went after cory bookers time as mayor but that sort of backfired. Check out what booker said mr. Vice president , theres a saying in my community you are dipping into the koolaid and you dont even know the flavor [ audience ohs ] jimmy everyone saw that and when, oh, no. [ light laughter ] and biden was like [ laughter ] appreciate that. Thank you roots oh, no its a koolaid joke [ laughter ] steve cause you would say, oh, yeah. Right . Instead of, oh, no. Right . Jimmy oh, i dont know ive never seen the commercial steve oh, really [ light laughter ] jimmy well, even though hes been struggling, biden is still the front runner by almost 20 points i guess democrats want to fight fire with fire theyre like, the only way to stop a guy in his 70s who cant speak is with a guy in the 70s who cant speak. [ light laughter ] jimmy hey guys, listen to this a recent study found that todays students think they learn more from youtube than they do from textbooks sounds odd, but you can actually learn a lot from the same lessons you find in a text book, on youtube ill show you what i mean. For instance, if youre studying sociology, a textbook will tell you that, making a gender reveal video is a fun activity for new parents. But youtube will just show you this three, two, one [ screams [ laughter ] jimmy next if you are studying mixology, a textbook book will tell you, champagne is a sparkling wine for sophisticated celebrations. But youtube will tell you this [ speaking in Foreign Language ] [ light laughter ] jimmy and finally, if you are studying architecture, a a textbook will tell that, the shape of each structure can hold a powerful message. But youtube will just show you this this makes a perfect circle [ light laughter ] oh, thats cool insane. Oh, wow look at that. Where do you get all this stuff . That is really cool [ light laughter ] these you can buy and those ones i make. Huh [ laughter ] just using your hand or what did i just make there . Wait, hold on. Oh, my gosh. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause steve wow. That was like a gender reveal party right there. Jimmy and finally, this is interesting. A new study found that the moon is actually 100 million years older than we thought. You could tell the moon is a a lot older cause it ended the night by telling supporters to visit its website moon30330. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight give it up for the roots everybody. [ cheers and applause jimmy we have a fun show tonight. Hasan minhaj is here everybody [ cheers and applause steve yeah jimmy Vanessa Kirby is here steve oh [ cheers and applause jimmy for the new hobbs shaw steve come on. Jimmy fast the furious movie. Steve i cant wait jimmy and we have great music from sam fender, ladies and gentlemen. Steve oh jimmy there you go [ cheers and applause guys, im very excited about this we teamed up with hasbro to make our very own tonight show games that you can play at home. Theyre all based on games that weve done on the show we have best friends challenge, face it challenge and box of lies and a portion [ cheers and applause they are all fun games and a portion of the proceeds go to seriousfun childrens network. So please check these out. [ cheers and applause finally, they are here steve come on, a jimmy a home game. Steve come on. Jimmy the home game. I always wanted to say, you got the home game. We used to play with stuff like that when i was growing up too but they are available at amazon, target, downstairs at fao schwarz. Steve ooh. Jimmy most major retailers steve oh, i love that store. [ light laughter ] jimmy they just opened another major retailers. Steve they did right near my house, yeah. Jimmy congratulations, i hadnt been there yet. Does it look good . Steve fantastic, the parking lots right next to my house. Its fantastic jimmy its called major retailer steve yeah, its called major retailer jimmy wow. But anyways, everyone in tonights audience is going home with their very own game of box of lies [ cheers and applause yeah kind of blew up there. Guys, its the end of the week and thats usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. I check my inbox, return some emails and of course, send out thank you notes. I was running a bit behind today. So i thought if you guys wouldnt mind [ cheers and applause id like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. James, can i get some thank you note writing music, please steve wow. [ light laughter ] looks like he just texted 3030 [ laughter ] jimmy thank you Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders for looking like the reallife version of back to the future. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you, jed, for saying you were on the bachelorette just to help your music career. At least now you have plenty of material for a break up album. [ laughter ] [ applause ] always the best. Steve always good. Jimmy thank you, grill i rarely use for giving me a a chance to play a fun game of how much rust can i feed my friends without them noticing. [ laughter ] [ applause ] steve full of iron jimmy had this bad boy for ten years. Thank you, hobbs and shaw for sounding less like a fast furious spinoff, more like two injury attorneys you see on tv at 3 00 in the morning [ laughter ] have you been hit by a skate boarder . [ applause ] thank you, home cooking, for being 2 cooking, 2 eating and 96 doing dishes [ light laughter ] [ applause ] thank you, the lion king for teaching us that if you dont want your kid to grow up to be a huge jerk, maybe dont name him scar [ laughter ] [ applause ] come on, scar. Steve yeah [ light laughter ] come on. Jimmy just give me a a second [ light laughter ] steve youre thinking about other names kids could be named right . Jimmy whats that . Steve you think about other names they shouldve not name their kids jimmy no, im thinking about this next thank you note i really like it steve its your favorite one . Jimmy it is. But i have a feeling it is not going to work. Steve oh, really but its a good one anyway jimmy i think its good. Its more of thinker steve does it come from the heart . Jimmy i didnt write it but yeah it comes from [ laughter ] comes from someones heart steve someones heart. Then thats all that matters man. [ light laughter ] jimmy thank you, beach balls for letting me throw my breath [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy that was a good one. [ cheers and applause people are still laughing about that now i love that. Steve i get it oh, yeah jimmy thank you, ice cream sandwiches for lasting three minutes before turning into just regular cookies and milk. There you guys have it those are my thank you notes. Well be right back with more tonight show everybody come on back [ cheers and applause everybody has a great story to tell, and our job as producers is to help pull that story out. My name is taylor, and i am a producer for tv and podcasts. The whole production is on my surface laptop. Its very powerful, and just speeds up your whole day. I always have at least 4 or 5 programs open on my computer. I do need to be able to work everywhere. 16 hour days are pretty commo so i need a long battery life. It feels weird to be on this side of the camera for sure. [laughs] no i, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you i cant feel the heat we all use our phones differently. I can manage the time they spend on their phone, who theyre texting with, all of that. Its a win for all of us. vo the network more people rely on, gives you more. Like plans families can mix and match, including the new just kids plan. Thats verizon. Who used expedia to book the Vacation Rental which led to the discovery that sometimes a little down time can lift you right up. Expedia. Everything you need to go. [ cheers and applause jimmy welcome back welcome back, everybody. We love a good story here at the tonight show which means it is time for tonight shows storytime. Here we go tonight sho tonight show storytime [ cheers and applause jimmy i am going to need some help. So joining me is the host of the criticallyacclaimed patriot act on netflix please welcome hasan minhaj. [ cheers and applause jimmy come on now. Good to see you jimmy come on. How are you jimmy thats my man right there. [ cheers and applause jimmy hasan, heres how were going to do this you and i will each take turns telling a story to our audience about one topic. Okay okay. Jimmy tonights topic is [ drum roll embarrassing parents all right okay jimmy since youre my guest im going to give you the honor of watching me go first. [ light laughter ] you can take your place over there by the okay. Jimmy ill start off okay, here we go all right, go ahead jimmy i have so many embarrassing stories im trying to think. I dont know which one to you picked the topic because im indian, right . Jimmy no, i didnt know. [ laughter ] yeah, you did jimmy no, it was at random no, i promise, no. Okay, okay, okay. Jimmy please, im irish. Go bad ones, too yeah what do we got i mean, my moms got so many ill do ill do my dad because i talked to him today. So he reminded me of this story. My dad was very we never had any luck with cars growing up. We just never had a great car. And i remember we finally did get a nice car it was a cutlass sierra. That was the name of it. It even sounds fancy and i think it had, like, cloth seats which was a big deal for us cause the seats would be vinyl and just be too hot and everything like, we just burn wed burn our flesh and stuff. So [ laughter ] but, no, this was like, wow, luxury. And it was amazing and so one night he was coming home from work and we used to wait out for the car and stuff like that. To when my dad would come me and my sister and my mom. So the car was coming down the street and the horn was honking. [ imitating car horn ] and my mom was like, oh, my god, kids, come out. Lets greet lets say hi to daddy outside. I think he won the lottery [ laughter ] i think we won the lottery. And were like oh, my gosh. What . And, like, she was almost crying we ran out to the driveway and the car is honking [ imitating car horn ] and my dad gets out and slams the car and the car is still honking. [ laughter ] the horn broke. Didnt even look at us just walked right past and got a beer [ laughter ] and another thing happened to my dads car he was he was trying to fix his car. And he got a thing called, like, gunk out or something that you spray on the engine my dad does not know anything about cars hes from brooklyn, new york barely knows how to drive a car. But hes fixing his car in the driveway and hes spraying this thing and he turns on the engine on. And the car lights on fire [ laughter ] so my dads freaking out he doesnt know what to do so he slams the hood closed. And its like flames growing out the sides. [ laughter ] and hes like, oh, maybe that was a mistake. Maybe i should try to open it up again to get the flames to go out oh, no. Jimmy so he went and he pops the hood. And then went around it had one of those, like, kind of locks in the front that its really hard to open. So he was burning his fingers. [ laughter ] and he couldnt open the hood. And he just came in. He goes, kids, just get on the ground i think the car is going to blow up. [ laughter ] and we laid on the ground. And my moms, like, we got to tell the neighbors. cause they had their kids he was like and he yelled over to them hes like, go inside. My car is about to explode. [ laughter ] and the kids ran in. And people were screaming. And we called the Fire Department and we were laying on the ground and then they came but, you guys stayed . Jimmy oh, we stayed and just laid on the ground. Like just hoping. [ laughter ] they ran for it let them be safe you guys jimmy oh, yeah our neighbors ran down the street yeah, yeah [ laughter ] and they put out the thing and my dads car was totaled he burnt every wire was stripped. [ laughter ] and there was nothing on it. And that was the last time we ever got a nice car. There you go thats my story [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause now its youre turn i got to go now jimmy yeah, now its your turn okay. Jimmy all right. Now send it up all right so this like this is a competition . This is, like, a jimmy oh, maybe. Is it jimmy no i think its more of a fun story telling thing but no, no, no. I just not i dont want participation points i want to win or lose this thing. Jimmy okay, all right, all right, all right [ laughter ] go for it. I got a okay, okay jimmy okay, okay, okay i i have im okay [ laughter ] no, i have to think about what are the repercussions if i tell this but who cares . Lets just lets do this. All right. [ laughter ] so because i got to win so when i was in high school, i told a lot of stories about growing up but i dont know if you guys know this, but i wasnt very good at math or science. Im sorry. [ laughter ] i know ive let our people down but [ laughter ] so i was failing honors chem and, so sometimes during lunch, i would have lunch in mr. Delucas classroom you know, like all popular kids do [ laughter ] hang out hang out with the teacher during lunch jimmy eating so im in there during lunch. Mr. Delucas was like, hey, i got to go to the bathroom. Just give me a minute ill be right back. He leaves to go to the bathroom i look at his desk and the homework solution manuel is just sitting right there on his desk. And its just looking at me like the Sports Almanac in back to the future. Like, i have all the answers. [ laughter ] just pick me up. And i was like, hell never guess that if i take this he wont even know it is me [ light laughter ] hes not going to guess that the indian kid did it. [ laughter ] so i take the Solutions Manual i put it in my backpack. I walk out of the class. And im like, okay, this is wrong. What you are doing is objectively wrong. And i know like, i feel awful about it i have kids. I should not do this cheating is wrong. But ive never felt more alive [ laughter ] and im like, what if i go to kinkos and i just photocopy this and i sell it to other kids. [ laughter ] and so im at kinkos, and i just photocopy the book. I come back to school. And i just start selling the answer to the homework to other kids for 5 a pop which is a a discount thats a discount. Its a great deal. [ laughter ] all the answers for the entire year, five bucks and, eventually, someone snitched i dont know who it was. It was michael manchello but i dont know who it was. [ laughter ] and i dont know i just i dont know who it could be and mr. Delucas calls me into his classroom. And he sits me down. And is like, i know youre the kid who stole the solutions manuel and, hasan, what you have done you have violated my trust. Youve insulted the ethical standards of this school and i should expel you right now. But im going to call your father instead. And i was like, just expel me, please. [ laughter ] he puts my dad on speakerphone mr. Minhaj, come to Davis High School immediately i am waiting here with your son. It was the longest 45 minutes ive ever had to go through in my life. Im sitting there. Theres just an empty chair, sweating im like, im going to die. My dad comes in. He sits down mr. Delucas is like, your son is the criminal master mind behind one of the biggest cheating scandals at this school he has been selling the homework answers to multiple students in his class. And my dad, he looks at mr. Delucas. And he was like, mr. Delucas, my son did not do this. [ laughter ] and i was like, wow like, pops, like, he trusts me [ laughter ] he has my back. And hes like, hasan is a a coward [ laughter ] he doesnt have the guts to pull this off. [ laughter ] i did graduate and here i am. So [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause thank you, guys. Jimmy coward a coward. Jimmy oh, god. Thats hilarious that is how you do it right there, everybody hasan minhaj [ cheers and applause well be right back with more tonight show, everybody. Come on back [ cheers and applause this summer at panera, were going all in on strawberries. At their reddest, ripest, they make everything better. Like our strawberry poppyseed salad and new strawberry summer caprese salad. Order online for delivery. Panera. Food as it should be everyone gets 10 kohls cash for every 50 spent earn it on everything . Like 30 on a fitbit. 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