[ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, too much no, absolutely not come on, come on oh oh thank you very much. Please please, no, no, no, no, no please, no [ cheers and applaus thank you. Have a seat. Welcome. Enjoy yourself hot crowd. Welcome to the tonight show, everybody. Steve oh jimmy this is it [ cheers and applause this is what you want, baby. Welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody. Looking good yeah sounding good. I love it. You guys today, earlier today, millions of students across the country went back to school. That was today [ booing ] [ light laughter ] kids told their parents, ill miss you so much. And their parents were like, and ill see you after school. [ laughter ] it was a pretty typical day for most students. Teachers started off by asking, does everybody have their supplies . And then students were like, yep, headphones, vape pen, and cbd gummies. [ cheers and applause but new york citys Public Schools are trying to be healthier this year, so theyre no longer serving salami or bologna sandwiches [ light laughter ] yeah, instead theyre going with organic, free range pigeon steve oh [ laughter ] jimmy hey, did you guys enjoy Labor Day Weekend . Did you have fun [ cheers and applause and dont worry, while everyone was relaxing, the president was hard at work and by hard at work, i mean he sent over 120 tweets this weekend. [ laughter ] so trumps been thats real, by the way [ laughter ] trumps been busy dealing with Hurricane Dorian hes actually been monitoring it very closely. He retweeted this update from fema yeah, here he retweeted this from National Hurricane center and then he here is getting into a twitter feud with will grace actress debra messing. [ laughter ] steve oh jimmy he did the best he could. [ laughter ] and with the hurricane possibly hitting florida, trumps not taking any chances he even sent don, jr. To the roof of maralago to give him live updates [ laughter ] just, stay up there, don. [ laughter ] aim the golf club at the biggest cloud. [ laughter ] take the grip off. I want metal on metal. [ laughter ] i want you to hold it and just aim it and show me where. [ laughter ] but get this, during a press conference, trump said that hes never even heard of a a category five hurricane. [ light laughter ] so they explained it to him like this. They said, look, if this is a a category one [ laughter ] then this is a category five. [ laughter and applause hes like, all right, ill go thank you. It all makes sense now don, stay up there, don. Some more news [ laughter ] trumps personal assistant just resigned after she shared details about trumps family with journalists at an off the record dinner. Honestly, this doesnt seem like its an easy job to fill. When offered the position, even alexa was like no way in hell. Jimmy and you go, oh, thats not good. [ laughter ] you dont want that. Thats [ applause ] check this out, this weekend, police in scotland were called after thousands of people signed up to play a massive game of hide and seek inside an ikea. [ laughter ] yeah it only should have taken the police 20 minutes to assemble a team, but since it was ikea, it took them seven hours [ laughter ] [ applause ] the police had very clear directions, but then all the dads just threw those to the side and just kind of guessed their way through it [ laughter ] yeah, police found the suspects by following a trail of swedish meatballs. [ laughter ] yeah, people who got caught just pled insanity turns out they just had a couple screws loose. [ laughter and applause it was it was easy to spot, because the hideandseekers because their feet were sticking out from under a flugeldugel and nergenflergen. [ laughter ] tariq come on, come on stop, man. Thats enough. Thats enough ikea jokes, okay jimmy come on. Tariq you got to get to the rest of the show jimmy no, no, no, i got to get tariq lester holt has been waiting for seven hours. [ laughter ] jimmy youre pretty angry right now. I havent seen someone get this angry since tariq ahah dont dont do it, jimmy. [ light laughter ] jimmy i havent seen someone get this tariq ahah [ light laughter ] dont do it. Jimmy since they tried to put together a bookshelf from ikea [ cheers and applause well, this is very interesting i saw that a lock of George Washingtons hair is going up for auction and its expected to sell for at least 50,000 as soon as he heard that, trump was like, wow, i have a shower drain thats worth 20 million. [ laughter ] and finally, this is a crazy story, in australia, a student pilot had to land the plane after his flying instructor passed out during his very first lesson [ laughter ] the student was congratulated by officials, while the instructor was hired by spirit airlines. [ laughter and applause lets start the show give it up for the roots come on. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy we have got a great show tonight steve oh jimmy bill hader is here in the building steve oh, come on. [ cheers and applause jimmy i know, i love him steve oh jimmy i love bill hader. Also one of our favorites, Cara Delevingne is here. Steve oh jimmy cara Cara Delevingne. Lester holt is here tonight. Steve oh [ cheers and applause jimmy we got to talk to lester, because lesters doing a special. He stayed in a prison for, like, three days steve ooh. [ light laughter ] jimmy hes doing a whole special about it he was actually in prison. Steve in prison for three days jimmy yeah, absolutely yeah, i got to talk to him about it find out whats wrong with lester why would he do that [ laughter ] but i want to see that special and then we got great music. I love this guys voice. Alec benjamin is here, you guys steve oh [ cheers and applause jimmy talented guy fun show, were so happy to be back im so happy to see you guys thank you for having us back [ cheers and applause two weeks off, too long. Did you have a good one . Did you have a good break . Steve it was great great break. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah, good tariq, you do anything fun for the break, the two weeks off tariq nope jimmy there you go [ laughter ] steve mr. Sunshine [ light laughter ] jimmy hey, guys the u. S. Open tennis tournament [ laughter ] is happening right now and we wanted to do something fun with the players so we gave a bunch of them weird phrases and asked them to sneak those phrases into their interviews as casually as possible no one knew that we were doing this they just would say these phrases. Its bizarre, but its so good here, check it out for the check this out this is drop it in. [ cheers and applause drop it i drop it in dddrop it in just how the preparations are going to go, you expect, before the u. S. Open this year well, yeah, i mean, i i usually get into new york pretty early and, you know, i spend, you know, probably five or six days training over at flushing meadows and you know, i used to take cat naps now im taking kitten naps which are half as long but twice as cute. [ ding ] [ laughter and applause it was easy for me to be able to swing out at the start, and then it was kind of the the tighter the strings, the sweeter the swings a little bit. [ ding ] i think serena is so good at just knowing how to use every part of the kayak. [ ding ] i would be there because somebodys pushing me around so so i just try to do, you know, game, set, match do the Cabbage Patch [ ding ] [ laughter ] you know what i mean yeah. Patience is not one of my best qualities let me tell you something. Youre never going to find three tennis balls in a pringles can [ ding ] [ laughter ] i look forward to training and improving some of my things yeah, i mean, slap your dad and call him brad. [ ding ] [ laughter ] this final against roger, i managed to play the best tennis of that week and obviously when the score was deuce, and juice got loose [ ding ] [ laughter ] its basically instinct, um when the score is deuce, the juice gets loose [ ding ] [ laughter ] sweaty hugs, sweaty highfives team towel like, i dont even know who agreed to that thish ish tennish. [ ding ] i mean, i dont i dont know what were doing [ laughter and applause jimmy thish ish tennish. [ cheers and applause thats the best. That is the best steve come on. Jimmy dude, i was so happy thank you for doing that i thish ish tennish is what i wrote [ light laughter ] i was like, none of them will do that one. [ laughter ] i was hoping that maybe john mcenroe would be like, thish ish tennish. [ laughter ] yeah, and just see if he can hear dude, she did, like, a a character and everything it was so good [ laughter ] they were all great. Thank you so much to all the players, the usta. [ cheers and applause the atp and wta tours and the cincinnati tournament. Stick around, well be right back with more of the tonight show, everybody. Come on back [ cheers and applause this is a surface laptop 2. And this is a real person named mackenzie book. Hi, im mac book. So mac, which laptop lasts longer . Surface laptop lasts longer. Hmm, interesting. And which ones faster . This ones faster. Really . Amazing. Which one has a better touchscreen . The surface has a better touchscreen. Because it actually has a touchscreen. Oh, right. Macs dont have touchscreens. You should get a surface. Trust me, im mac book. Well, there you have it. Mac book says, get a surface. It runs on doritos. Want to tr[dog barks]me machine . Okay. Yes [humming, thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life get out of my yard [birds chirping] jimmy . Youre so old. [crunch ] red lobsters endless shrimp is back for just 15. 99. Get all the shrimp you want, any way you want em. Like new srirachahoney shrimp, savory grilled teriyaki shrimp, classic shrimp scampi and more red lobsters endless shrimp is 15. 99. Hurry in. This is you shopping. And this is you maximizing at t. J. Maxx. You shopping, you maximizing. You shopping, you maximizing. Get more of the brands you love and the quality you want, and save every time. Its not shopping, its maximizing. Start maximizing today maxx life at t. J. Maxx. [ cheers and applause jimmy it sure is spooky out here tonight when im spooked, what makes me feel better is telling scary stories. I got a really scary story. Do you know the one about the man with the hooked hands . Jimmy no, no, not those kind of stories, real scary stories. How real are we talking like, real real or real real real jimmy real real real ill go first. This one will send shivers down the curvature of your spine. [ laughter ] years back, there was an old barn up on the hill. And there was a wedding in that barn and i was invited as a plus one. I didnt know a single soul there. [ gasping thats not even the worst part the worst part was they werent serving alcohol [ screaming i had to talk to people, yeah. Who does that . I peed a little in my pants [ laughter ] jimmy okay, all right, yeah, all right. But i have an even scarier one. This one will chill you to the bone it was my birthday a guy at work said, hey, happy birthday. And then . I said, thanks, you too. [ screaming jimmy thats a so thats a social faux pas true. A sofaux pas. Jimmy yeah [ light laughter ] okay, you think those are scary . Okay i was once on a date with a guy. I know, weird, right [ laughter ] he seemed normal, you know but out of nowhere, he said something that will haunt me until the day of die jimmy no yeah, i can sometimes hear it at night. He said, i hope you like vape tricks. Jimmy oh, my gosh. [ laughter ] i have jimmy oh, my gosh. Chills jimmy oh, my gosh. [ light laughter ] and then he did vape tricks jimmy no, no no jimmy oh, my god with the rings and like jimmy yeah, and oh, no. Gosh terrifying. Jimmy that is so scary so bad. I can do you one worse. [ laughter ] last year i had gingivitis [ screaming thats not the scary part. [ light laughter ] anyway, i went for a checkup recently, and the dentist said, looking good, i can tell youve been flossing. And i looked right at her and i said no, dont say it i cant i said, you, too. [ screaming i shouldnt have done it [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my i did it again. Jimmy yeah, yeah, similar scary. Similar scary jimmy similar scary story. Double scare. Jimmy wow. This one i have for you is so scary the only person i ever told it to was my therapist. Oh, god jimmy after that, she quit the biz and became a judge on dancing with the stars. [ laughter ] anyway, one day [ light laughter ] i was walking down the street. So i saw someone waving at me. So i waved back. Then i realized he was actually waving to someone behind me. So i pretended to be directing traffic. [ laughter ] i stayed and directed traffic for three hours. And ive gone back there to direct traffic every day since just to keep up the charade. [ laughter ] no jimmy i did no thats nothing my skins atingling just thinking about this spooky tale [ laughter ] settle in. Im settled the other day, i coughed, but it sounded like a sneeze so someone turned to me and said, bless you. Then i turned to them and i said jimmy let me guess you said, you too. No. I said, oil me up, daddy. Its dinnertime, and im a a little soup boy, chompa, chompa. [ laughter ] [ screaming jimmy hey, is there something we can do for you . You guys want to see a bunch of sunsets i took on my phone . [ screaming [ cheers and applause i just want to escape. Someday i will see the world. [ growling ] ah there are people looking for you. We have to go. I dont know where you came from, but you dont belong here. You can do magic . This is impossible. This is amazing get them i promise to take care of him. When yi sets her mind on something nothing is impossible. squirrel noises fake squirrel noise jif peanut butter. Its that jifing good youd dress up like a squirrel for it. My feet go boom boom boom, zoom zoom zoom, zoom zoom zoom walkin away from you im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up. Ill pick it up theyre clean cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmin ultra strong just cleans better. Enjoy the go with charmin. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. 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One hour with the tablet, you walk the dog and do the dishes. If you insist. Congratulations. Only xfinity xfi lets you take control of your familys online time. Thats simple, easy, awesome. Xfinity xfi gives you the speed, coverage and control you need. Manage your wifi network from anywhere when you download the xfi app today. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest is an emmywinning actor who stars in the new movie, it chapter two, which is in theatres and imax on friday. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome bill hader [ cheers and applause jimmy they love you, bill. Hi, guys. Jimmy thank you so much for being here welcome back thanks, man jimmy to the show. I know youre a very, very busy man. Youre off to the emmys very soon yeah. Jimmy because you were nominated. You have two shows nominated barry [ cheers ] and, yeah. Thank you [ cheers and applause jimmy absolutely thanks. Jimmy and documentary now. Yeah. [ cheers and applause jimmy between both of those shows, you have 21 emmy nominations. Yeah, no, its crazy. [ cheers and applause its kind of crazy, yeah jimmy thats amazing its cool im happy that on barry, that Sarah Goldberg and anthony carrigan, who plays noho hank, and stephen root, they all got nominated theyd never been nominated before jimmy thats so fun. So that was yeah, that was awesome. Yeah jimmy thats fantastic, dude yeah. Jimmy youre just crushing it thanks. Jimmy a lot of people were talking about the episode that you directed i believe it was ronny lily . Yeah, ronny lily with the little girl, the little karate girl yeah jimmy i mean, this karate girl that was yeah. [ light laughter ] jimmy just beating you up. Yeah, the whole episode is this little girl her name is jessie, and she we wrote this script where she had to do like all types of crazy things where she had to jump on top of me, and fly on walls, and crawl up houses and stuff. And i was like, i dont know how were going to do this. And i remember my stunt coordinator, wade allen, said, you know, i have theres this little girl, her parents are stunt women and men. And its its a family. [ laughter ] its a whole other story but they said that shes amazing. And he showed me this video of her running along the top of a a roof, and jumping on to the hood of a moving car jimmy and youre like and i go, why do you have this on your phone . [ laughter ] jimmy why didnt you call the police yeah. You should call the police she clearly did something wrong. And so she came in, and she was like amazing and they gave her dad the script, and he read it, and he goes, oh, shes doing this kind of [ bleep ] with me and her brothers all the time. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my god like beating you up, and hitting jimmy but then, talk to me about it chapter two. Yeah. Jimmy this is a big deal, big movie. [ cheers and applause yeah. Jimmy full on scary movie, but also a lot of action in this do you do your own stunts in this no, well, okay. So like, james mcavoy does his own stunts he can like run up and jump off of things, and do a bunch of crazy things jimmy yeah and everybody is i theres a part where we had to run from the clown. And i ran, and i ran four feet, and pulled my groin muscle [ laughter ] i was like screamg jimmy did you really and they had to get my stunt guy just to run. [ laughter ] like, the stunt dudes are so stoked to like jimmy yeah what am i doing, brah . Jimmy yeah, am i going through a wall, brah . Wanna go, brah . Get me here . Thats all you, dude thats all you and they were like i was like, yeah and the guy was like, i just gotta run . Are you serious . [ laughter ] jimmy like how far . Haders thing but like miles, right . And then i get hit by a car . Jimmy from here to the camera there . Are you joking whered you find this dude . [ laughter ] and then im like and then i had to go and get like an ultrasound with and i had to get very friendly with a toronto doctor. Jimmy yeah just like, oh man. Oh, god man. Howd you get this were you getting chased by a a clown then . [ laughter ] jimmy i know you had to you give credit to Finn Wolfhard yeah. Jimmy for getting this role, from stranger things, obviously. Yeah woo [ cheers ] jimmy and the first it. Yeah. Jimmy i like that guy. Why . Why, how do you okay, so finn so, when they