Here at the United Nations [ light laughter ] i mean, wow, just look at all of the room full of diverse cuures and ethnicities seriously, its like the scariest College Brochure ive ever seen. [ laughter ] but i know what youre all thinking its so great to be here with me for the last four to six hours of my presidency [ laughter ] who knew you make one phone call blackmailing a foreign leader and everyone acts like you made one phone call blackmailing a foreign leader [ laughter ] [ applause ] i guess its like the old saying collude once, shame on you collude twice, why not collude a third time [ laughter ] but now it looks like my whistles been blown and not in the good way. [ laughter ] it was a lowdown blowdown. And now ill have to face off against americas least fun grandma, nancy pelosi. Thats right nancys gone totally ukraine in the membrane [ laughter ] but luckily she has no evidence against me only calls, and transcripts, and the fist bump i just gave the ukrainian president on my way up here. Hey, whats up, buddy . [ laughter ] but unfairly for me, ukraine isnt my only big nono this week apparently people are still mad, because i left yesterdays Climate Summit after just 15 minutes but honestly, folks, how do you expect me to believe in Global Warming when they just filmed the second frozen movie . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause i mean, seriously. Let it go. [ laughter ] but anyway, back to the witch hunt season three. I just want to all my supporters, i want them all to just relax, okay . Because as hard as people try to impeach me, ill always be one step ahead of them trying to impeach me harder [ laughter ] but anyway, in collusion [ laughter and applause americas the greatest country on earth ukraine owes me a serious fave [ laughter ] and you might call it climate change, but i call it hot girl summer oh, and one more thing the tonight show is coming to you live from new york city lets start the show baby. [ cheers and applause come on. [ cheers and applause steve live from 30 Rockefeller Plaza here in new york city, its the tonight show starring jimmy fallon. And now, heres your host, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause jimmy welcome, everybody welcome to the tonight show thank you very much. Please have a seat, everybody. Welcome, everybody, welcome. You guys, we [ cheers ] we are live this entire week [ cheers ] im really excited which is nice, because if you know me, you know i normally dont get excited about things [ light laughter ] its a big night for nbc tonight was the season premiere of this is us. [ cheers and applause or as its known over at kleenex headquarters, christmas. [ light laughter ] thats right its a big tv night. Tonight was the premiere of this is us, followed by followed by Nancy Pelosis new show this is us impeaching you. [ light laughter ] thats right thats the big story today nancy pelosi announced a formal inquiry into impeaching President Trump. You can tell trumps desperate to make this go away, cause tonight he was like, hey, who wants to see my tax returns, huh . [ laughter ] this is really bad news for trump. Which explains why today he called ukraine and was like, forget biden, get me dirt on pelosi. [ light laughter ] after years of anticipation, democrats finally took a step towards impeachment. Theyre pretty excited for them it was like [ cheers and applause for them it was like finally making it to the fantasy suite it really was. [ laughter ] even lizzo tweeted about the news check it out she said, impeachment. [ laughter ] can we see that again . Meanwhile trump was like, imbuttment . [ laughter ] the whole thing is moving very fast we found out about the ukraine scandal last week. The impeachment inquiry starting this week which means trump will be on dancing with the stars next week steve oh, hey. [ light laughter ] jimmy meanwhile, tonight msnbc anchor chris hayes was discussing the ukrainian whistleblower scandal and he described the situation as a champagne bottle waiting to explode i think he got a little carried away watch this i sort of feel like that you know, its like were watching a champagne bottle being shaken and shaken and shaken and shaken. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] steve impeach. Jimmy looks like someones excited for the impeachment. [ laughter ] were live are we even allowed to show that gosh and im being told msnbc just impeached chris hayes. Steve oh [ light laughter ] jimmy he ended the segment by yelling, dont come in here, mom get out [ laughter ] but its been a busy day for trump. Today he spoke at the United Nations when his staff first told him that hed be speaking at the worlds most Important International organization, trump was like, omg, are we going to ihop . [ laughter ] thats right trump addressed World Leaders at the u. N. General assembly and he spoke very calmly and very slowly. Some s waso look president ial, while melania was like, i put xanax in fruit loops. [ laughter ] you guy see this during trumps speech, his commerce secretary wilbur ross was caught on camera sleg. Take a look. I told kim jongun [ laughter ] that i truly believe that like iran his country is full of tremendous, Untapped Potential jimmy it got him even worse when wilbur started spooning the guy in front of him. It was [ laughter ] later ross was like, oh, please i wasnt sleeping. I just briefly died. [ light laughter ] well theres a lot happening right now. The u. N. General assembly, the ukraine scandal, talks about impeachment. I wonder whats happening in other news a woman in louisiana was in serious danger after a camel sat on her so she reportedly did the only thing she could, she bit the animals testicles [ laughter ] steve what jimmy sorry i asked. Some Business News facebook just paid almost 1 billion for a company that makes wrist bands that can read your brain [ audience ohs ] which is crazy, because i was pretty sure facebook already knew everything about me [ laughter ] but this is cool a woman in france found out that she had a 13th century painting worth over 6 million hanging in her kitchen above a a hot plate. [ audience ohs ] shes pretty excited about the discovery. Because now she can upgrade to a George Foreman grill isnt that nice . [ laughter ] and finally a woman in the u. K. Who fell in love with her wedding deejay and now theyre dating [ audience ohs ] even worse, the woman told her exhusband, should have sprung for a band. We have a great show tonight [ laughter ] give it up for the roots, everybody [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause steve ah, yeah jimmy my toupee stayed on . We have a fun show tonight, everybody. Demi moore is here steve yeah [ cheers and applause jimmy thats what im talking about. Justin hartley is here from this is us. Steve whoa [ cheers and applause jimmy and weve got great music from mark ronson featuring yebba [ cheers and applause i love this dude so much hes awesome guys, recently i ran into the one and only ringo starr hes a [ cheers ] hes a legend. I mean hes one of the beatles, obviously. And he has a he has a new album coming out next month here it is right there its called whats my name. Yeah, its cool. Well anyways, we decided to have some fun. cause we were hanging out so we got ringo into a room with me and the roots and some classroom instruments. Please enjoy Yellow Submarine. [ cheers and applause one, two, three in a town where i was bor lived a man who sailed to se and he told us of his life in in the land of submarines so we saile up to the su ll we foun the sea of green and we live beneath the wave in our Yellow Submarine jimmy one, two, three. We all live in a yellow submarin a Yellow Submarine a Yellow Submarine we all live in a yellow submarin a Yellow Submarine a Yellow Submarine and our friends are all aboard many more of the live next door and the ban began to play we all live i a Yellow Submarine a Yellow Submarine a Yellow Submarine we all live in a yellow submarin a Yellow Submarine a Yellow Submarine full speed ahead mr. Parker full speed ahead full speed ahead it is, sergeant action station. Action station where are we heading over there lets go, lets go as we liv a life of ease every one of us every one of u has all we nee has all we need sky of blue sky of blu sea of green sea of green in our yellow in our yello submarin submarine haha we all live in a yellow submarin a Yellow Submarine a Yellow Submarine we all live in a yellow submarin a Yellow Submarine a Yellow Submarine we all live in a yellow submarin a Yellow Submarine a Yellow Submarine we all live in a yellow submarin a Yellow Submarine a Yellow Submarine [ cheers and applause jimmy thats ringo starr steve ringo starr, man jimmy that is ringo starr right there, ladies and gentlemen [ cheers and applause whats my name is his album. Heres his book here as well hes so cool hes just he is just well, hes a beatle. Steve yeah [ cheers ] jimmy he acts like a a bele [ light laughter ] steve peace and love. [ liverpudlian accent jimmy he talks like that. There we go there, jimmy how are you . And he came in i go, nice to see you. He goes and he sat down and then i sat down. And then he stood up then i stood up. Then he sat down we were going up it was like in a movie and then i go i was playing the drums. And i go, im sorry if that was awful. He goes, thats the best drumming ive heard all morning. [ light laughter ] so nice. Thats the nicest thing anyone ever said to me. He goes, i was lying. [ laughter ] i go, were you telling the truth there . He goes, yes, i was. [ light laughter ] three levels of funny. Steve come on. Jimmy the one and only ringo starr. Steve yeah jimmy his new album whys my name [ cheers and applause october 25th well be back with more of the tonight show, everybody [ cheers and applause [ whimper ] we were lost, in a vast desert completely devoid of basset hounds. [ back in babys arms by patsy cline ] then, it appeared a beacon of hope. Im back in babys arms more glorious than a billion sunsets. We were found. Im back where i belong found by the hounds. Back in babys arms mom, whispering shh, shh, shhh. Thank you associate, whispering hey, youre all set. mom, shouting really . Bamwhat . dog whining noise. mom, whispering that was so easy. associate bamwhat . mom bamwhat . Thats not even a word. Whats the time . Device a dime is ten cents. Severe cold or flu . Take control with theraflu. Powerful, soothing relief to defeat your worst cold and flu symptoms fast. Device sneezes theraflu. The power is in your hands. When i think of what my imagination looks like. [laughs] i mean, wow. The surface is a tool that helps me realize beautiful ideas. [ cheers and applause jimmy welcome back, everybody we have got a great show tonight. Demi moore is here [ cheers and applause demi moore Justin Hartley is here [ cheers and applause and mark ronson are all here [ cheers and applause its actually a pretty crazy coincidence, because we have a a bit of a history now a lot of people dont know this, but all four of us went to law School Together [ laughter ] we worked at the same law firm back in the late 80s. And we even shot some commercials for it but to keep our line readings fresh, our director wouldnt let us see the lines until we were shooting. We were just reading them for the first time, live well, i found one of our old commercials. So here for the first time in decades is an ad for the law offices of moore, hartley, ronson, and fallon check it out do you need legal aid but dont know where to turn worry no more, because your search for a lawyer is over. [ cheers ] no matter the case, the law offices of moore, hartley, ronson and fallon will fight for you to get you the help you deserve. [ light laughter ] jimmy moore, hartley, ronson and fallon is a team you can trust. Are we the best lawyers in the world . No but are we the worst lawyers in the world . Absolutely [ laughter ] i went to harvard [ cheers ] law school and by harvard, i mean university by law school, i mean of phoenix. Thats right i got my degree online at the university of phoenix. And so too, can you, my little boo. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] i doesnt do words good [ laughter ] but i does do lawyer stuff happy. You hire me to do good job for you, please . Thank you, daddy [ cheers and applause [ cheers ] one time i got my hand stuck in a pringles can for 20 minutes i sued pringles for 10 million and lost and id do the same for you, guaranteed. [ light laughter ] [ cheers ] jimmy hey, hey, hey. Have you ever wondered why they sell doughnut holes, but they dont sell bagel holes were gonna were going to sue those bagel bastards and get you the cream cheese that you deserve. [ light laughter ] did a motorist hit you from behind did a cement block fall on your foot did a snowball hit you in your mamas face well, if we cant get you the money you deserve then our name isnt neil patrick harris. [ laughter ] jimmy if you need help, just call us at 18005550199 [ light laughter ] extension 7727772. Ask for carol, shell patch you through to our main office [ light laughter ] wait 45 seconds for the tone, then wait another 9 minutes for the beep [ laughter ] enter your Social Security number followed by the pound sign were open from 1 00 p. M. On monday to 1 15 p. M. On monday. [ laughter ] if you cant reach us, leave your name and a callback number we wont call you back, but we will text you nudes. [ laughter and applause and if youre looking for a a settlement and youre hungry for justice . Then i mean, are you also hungry for food . I have a 100 dollar gift card to chilis and your girls jonesing for some jalapeno poppers. Pop pop pop. Pop pop pop. Pop. [ laughter and applause i dropped acid 15 minutes ago. [ laughter ] uhoh. [ light laughter ] roses are red, violets are blue one time i got my penis stuck in a pool filter [ laughter ] the paramedics didnt show up for three months it was the best summer of my life [ applause ] jimmy were the team that will fight for you and weve got the experience and expertise to prove it. Want to see us all dab ten times in a row and then scream, its the law, bitches check this crap out. All its the law, bitches [ cheers and applause the law offices of moore, hartley, ronson and fallon call now [ cheers and applause jimmy guys, my thanks to [ cheers and applause my thanks to demi moore, Justin Hartley, and mark ronson. Stick around, well be talking to demi after the break [ cheers and applause vo the big dogs. The old dogs. The deaf, blind, the different. Subaru presents the underdogs. These shelter dogs still love unconditionally. Theyre just hoping to find their human, who does too. 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