Washington yesterday, which means that, for the first time in his life, mitt romney tasted pepper im more of a salt guy. Alternatively, no seasoning at all. Thats right, mitt romney marched in a black lives matter protest yesterday. And wow, he is easy to spot, isnt he its like he is in a Childrens Book called theres waldo. Now you have your answer if you were wondering who kept chanting on the downbeat, black lives matter black lives matter. Former secretary of state colin powell announced he will vote for former Vice President joe biden instead of President Trump, and said that trump has, quote, drifted away from the constitution. Drifted away i mean, he was never anywhere near it. Its like saying the jets drifted away from the 2020 super bowl though, who knows . Maybe when the nfl comes back every time you fumble, you get ten points the rules might change, in which case, theyre closer than i think. While in maine on friday to meet with fishing industry leaders, President Trump criticized the states governor for putting in place restrictions to stop the spread of the coronavirus, and said she is, quote, like a dictator. Buddy, you cant call someone else a dictator when you are being a dictator its like criticizing someone for being a stoner when youre placing an order for your second pizza of the night into a banana President Trump on friday reversed an obamaera executive order that created a marine sanctuary off the coast of new england and opened the area up to commercial fishing wow, trump is literally undoing everything obama did at this rate i wouldnt be surprised if he visits chicago and tries to get obamas marriage annulled. Did you know barack and michelle are living in sin yeah, lets just say i did a Little Something they dont know but theyre living in sin. Youtube held a virtual commencement for college and High School Speakers yesterday, which featured 70 celebrities including beyonce, tom brady and former president obama or, according to students, beyonce, someone else, and someone else after Wichita State university canceled her commencement address over the weekend, white house advisor and President Trumps daughter ivanka trump released a video of her speech god, imagine the honor and confidence needed to deliver a graduation speech to a graduation you werent invited to its like when the drunkest guest at a wedding steps up to the mic and everyone is like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No one asked her to speak. She doesnt even know the bride and groom. Yeah, yeah, no, shes someones plus one garys plus one. Yeah, gary sure can pick them. Thanks for nothing, gary. The department of agriculture announced last week that a dog in new york had tested positive for the coronavirus. Oh, thats too bad, said the cat who coughed on him today is jellyfilled doughnut day, so head on down to your nearest doughnut shop and get in line outside the store, stay six feet away from other customers while you wait, nervously slip your debit card through the open window, grab the paper bag thats held out to you in a gloved hand, walk home on side streets to avoid crowd, go home, wash your hands, take off your mask, put your clothes in the wash, take a shower, and then sit back and enjoy your jellyfilled doughnut. Because everything is fine, you guys its a normal jellyfilled doughnut day and finally, today is the 71st anniversary of the publishing of George Orwells novel 1984. Look for it in your bookstores told you so aisle. You guys, that was the monologue. And i think for a monday i dont know that was pretty good we got a great show for you tonight. You know him from Brooklyn Ninenine and he is also the host of americas got talent. Terry crews is my guest. And if youve watched nailed it on netflix, you know how funny she is. Nicole byer will be here shes got a new book and im very excited, as always, to talk to nicole. We will be right back with a closer look. vo love. Its what weve always said makes subaru, subaru. And right now, love is more important than ever. In response to covid19, subaru and our retailers are donating fifty million meals to feeding america, to help feed those who now need our help. Its all part of our commitment to our communities through subaru loves to help. Love, its what makes subaru, subaru. Boost mobile has a new upgraded network eeeeyyoooooouuuu get ready for a stronger signal, faster speeds and more coverage. So you can do more of this. A little bit of that. And a lot of whatever this is. Boost mobile has changed the game get a new upgraded network and get ready to change yo life step up with boost mobiles new upgraded Network Stronger signal. Faster speeds. More coverage. 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There are secret police with no name badges or insignia lined up in the Nations Capital like extras from a [ bleep ] Steven Seagal movie. Not one of the high enders one of the a highly infectious virus which has killed over 110,000 americans, hasnt gone anywhere. I mean, were learning more about covid19 every day, but i doubt well ever find out its prone to politely excuse itself. Hey, we didnt realize the extent of had whole racism thing you have going on, so were just going to were just going to go. Unemployment is at its highest level since the Great Depression if this was the first chapter of a ya novel the teen protagonist would say screw it and move to canada and through it all, the president is a recluse cowering in a bunker behind a eightfoot tall fence like j. D. Scalinger next time he appears in public hes going to have teninch fingernails and a unabomber beard. Of course, his beard would probably look like this. Yeah, its a hair joke sue me just think of it as a way of river. This is a moment of national anguish, heartache, and suffering unlike any weve seen in recent memory or, as the president put it on friday today is probably, if you think of it, the greatest comeback in American History but you its not going to stop here. Its going to keep going seth jesus i havent heard anything that tone deaf since Rob Gronkowski appeared on the masked singer. I mean, im still im still pretty impressed they found a mascot head big enough to fit over his actual head i always assumed Rob Gronkowski was a masked singer costume with a singer inside him, that one of the greatest tight ends of all time was actually Patti Labelle in a gronkowski suit but this isnt a comeback yet. Its not a comeback at all when the knicks are losing by 30 and hit a threepointer at the buzzer to lose by 27, the d. J. Doesnt play yall ready for this . There is no question the may jobs was good, and better than expected and also, a little misleading. I mean, a lot of the jobs that were supposedly created are jobs that were lost to the pandemic being recreated its like bragging that you lost three pounds right after you gained 45 pounds but to suggest that we are not mired in an unprecedented calamity is just deranged. Nearly 40 of households with income of less than 40,000 have reported job losses. Meanwhile, u. S. Billionaires have become 565 billion richer since march 18th thats right billionaires actually got richer during the pandemic, while the poorest households lost jobs we are living in a dystopian film written and directed by Bernie Sanders see it, dont see it, who cares . But one thing we all agree on, 6 for popcorn is insane. I miss him being around because i think it became a passable a passable impression. But of course, trump is celebrating because things really have been just fine for his wealthy patrons and the corporate husks he chums around with at the maralago omelete bar, which, knowing trump, is probably byo eggs. We provide the peppers. The pepper, we just have the one pepper, but dont worry. Its a good pepper, its like a red or a green its a yellow. We have one Yellow Pepper for everyone at the omelet station to share. And while millions of americans have been in the streets protesting systemic racism and Police Brutality only to be met with more brutality from the police in a pandemic that has killed 110,000 americans and unemployment is at the highest point since the Great Depression, trump is still bragging about the stock market. Our stock market is almost its just short of an alltime high ive had 144 alltime high stock markets during a three and a half year period nobodys ever come close so that and were going to do it again but its going to be Even Stronger than last time. When i would say that to you two, three months ago, i could see whats happen i have a good ive always done well with numbers seth no, you havent always done well with numbers i mean, just ask these two zeros. No one who is actually good with numbers ever has to say ive always done well with numbers. If your doctor took your Blood Pressure and then said, ive always done well with numbers, you might want to get a second opinion. Yeah, my last doctor said my Blood Pressure was negative 52 degrees celsius. Is that is that bad . But the more shocking thing is trump bragging about the stock market if 40 Million People have filed for unemployment and over 100,000 have died, and police are violently beating Peaceful Protesters, maybe the stock market hitting an alltime high doesnt actually mean we as a country are at an alltime high. We used to hear that the stock market hates uncertainty, and i dont know what clearer sign of uncertainty there could possibly be than unemployed americans putting on industrial masks and stepping over empty tear gas containers on their way to cash a 1,200 government check. Maybe maybe this is your hint that the stock market is actually bull[ bleep ] kind of like when youre a kid and you find the christmas presents in the closet and your first thought is, thats weird. Why would santa store his presents in our closet . Then your mom signs a permission slip for a field trip, and you think, that is weird. Why does santa have the same handwriting as my mom . And then you come downstairs early on christmas and see your dad on the floor using all the curse words as he tries to tie a bow around a hatchimal, and you finally realize, oh, mom and dad work for santa, and im santas baby. Trump and his allies have been gleefully celebrating one good jobs report amid an Ongoing National calamity, to the point where you cant help but conclude that they are totally detached from reality. Watch this very real clip the white house posted over the weekend from trumps top Economic Advisor larry kudlow. America is coming back. Three million new jobs, lower unemployment rate, furloughed temporary layoffs going back to work green shoots popping up everywhere stocks are soaring potus policies are working stay with the winners. Trump and pence and me the best is yet to come. Seth are you about to sell me a mattress . Are you telling me to come on down to america . I feel like im watching a local commercial for crazy Larry Kudlows furniture warehouse. Come on down to larry Discount Furniture warehouse. Our quality is kudhigh, but our prices are kudlow. You want another take, larry no, yeah, we got it. Of course, trump and his buddies are gleefully celebrating the soaring stock market our deeply unjust system works for them just fine, inflating the wealth of the most privileged people in our society even in a time of abject misery and crisis while crushing the poor and working class its rigged to protect the privileged and the powerful, and the same is true of policing last week you might remember trump had this to say when he gave a speech threatening to unleash the americas military against american citizens. One law and order, and that is what it is one law. We have one beautiful law. Seth okay, first of all, i dont know why you need to be creepy toward the law. Beautiful law sounds like a show on usa about a group of swimsuit models who become public defenders we, the jury, find the defendant sexy. Second, its not true. There isnt one law and order. We know that because anyone who did even a fraction of what you have done would be in jail by now, never mind the serial tax fraud or profiting from your Public Office or the ten allegations of obstruction of justice in the mueller report. Prosecutors have already named you in an indictment as the guy who orchestrated a criminal scheme to pay hushmoney during an election to cover up an affair we have the check with your signature on it. You literally signed the evidence even o. J. Knew better than to make it clear the ford bronco was his. There isnt one law and order. There are two separate and distinct systems one is a system where the law serves people of privilege, and order preserves their privilege, where the police work for them and the other is a racist system of predatory policing that systematically devalues black lives and which acts as an Occupying Force in their own communities. And now were seeing that system unleashed on mass demonstrations across the country, with one video after another making the rounds of police descending on Peaceful Protesters and subjecting them to brutal violence, including here in new york last night in new york city, there was both a curfew and also a large peaceful protest that was happening after the curfew the peaceful protest then thnypg people this is what that moment looked like this is footage shot in manhattan last night it appears to show nypd officers just striking a person on a bicycle as onlookers recorded the scene while stuck in traffic. They are aghast, by the way, and then other officers joined so theres four people beating this one guy on his bike videos have been appearing on twitter from protests in new york city of the past week, showing police using batons on protesters seth what the [ bleep ] is going on four cops beating a guy walking away with his bike thats never called for. Even if hes one of those bikers who overuses his bell, the most the absolutely most they deserve is a middle finger these arent just some isolated scuffles were seeing it across the country. Theyre trying to send a message. Thats why theyre raining tear gas and flashbangs and pepper spray down on everyone from protesters to reporters. Like this cop, just casually launching pepper balls at a reporter whos reporting it live on the local news. Think how shameless you have to be to do that on Live Television whats that cop going to do next livestream himself knocking over a liquor store or parking in a handicapped spot . Police are lashing out aggressively because they see that the protests are working and that there is a growing demand for Police Accountability and for Police Resources to be shifted elsewhere. The mass demonstrations have had a powerful impact on public opinion. A new poll found that americans support the protests sparked by the death of george floyd by a two to one margin. By a 27 percentage point margin, americans agree that blacks and other minorities are not treated equally with whites by the criminal justice system. And that is huge huge i mean, you have to remember millions of people, most of them over the age of 90, see this [ bleep every night. Big companies, cynical, soulless, craven corporations like pepsi, intel, and airbnb, are funding this chaos theyre giving money to black lives matter, which is pushing to defund the police but it isnt just major corporations that are fueling all of this. Celebrities are, too, by paying to get violent rioters out of jail as you read through this were going to scroll through their names on the right side of the screen first off, actor Steve Carrell from the office donated to the minnesota freedom fund, which is providing bail to rioters. Seth rogan, don cheadle, Janelle Monae donated as well. The cast of broly a police comedy, gave 100 grand to help t hollywood power couple blake lively and Ryan Reynolds donated 200,000 to the Naacp Legal Defense Fund seth wow, tucker, you got them Steve Carells career will never be the same now that you included him in your little fifth grade Powerpoint Presentation im surprised you didnt throw in some 90s clip art like a globe or a cat seriously, why are graphics so bad . This looks like a 12yearolds geocities website. Couldnt even spell