The thin attic walls you know what . I might go for it. I might go for it, guys. Lets get to the news. President trump tweeted this morning, quote, buffalo protester shoved by police could be an antifa provocateur 75 yearold Martin Gugino was pushed away after appearing to scan Police Communications in order to black out the equipment. I watched. He fell harder than was pushed was aiming scanner could be a setup . Oh, my god whats wrong with you . You tweeted that thats not for twitter that kind of insanity clearly belongs on facebook. You know what this means for the next few days all 52 republican senators are going to be hiding in trumps bunker. Oh, we cant see tweets down here too dark i didnt see it House Democrats and Speaker Nancy Pelosi kneeled for 8 minutes and 46 seconds in a show of solidarity with protesters and im not sure thats the answer if this was their halloween costume, theyd be banned from the school yearbook. According to the latest numbers, almost a half Million People returned to work yesterday as new york began phase one of its reopening and you can tell its going to be an adjustment, because a lot of them forgot to wear pants uh . Oh, crap you guys, sorry. Out of practice. The nfl released its updated plan yesterday for safely returning players to Training Facilities amid the coronavirus pandemic such as, implementing social distancing and conducting Virtual Meetings whenever possible, though it will make the huddles weird. Researchers in london have published a new study that links repetitive negative thinking with alzheimers disease, which explains why eeyore just introduced himself to tigger eeyore, weve known each other for years. The restaurant chain Cracker Barrel has announced it will begin offering beer and wine at 20 locations across the country. So if you want some Cracker Barrel, its just right there at the next exit get over just try to get over just try yeah, you missed it. You missed it. Well, hopefully theres something up ahead. Producers of an updated version of the looney tunes cartoons announced yesterday that characters like, elmer fudd and yosemite sam, will no longer carry guns thats right from now on its all poisoning enjoy your soup wabbit . Thats wight keep eating. Keep eating the soup. A new york woman was arrested recently after she allegedly handed out baby raccoons outside a convenience store. In her defense, trump had just suggested them as a coronavirus cure what do you got to lose, people what do you got to lose . Because isnt there a chance and i guess this is a question question for you, fauci, isnt there a chance a raccoon would steal the coronavirus from you because i know they steal garbage, and its a garbage disease. Its a garbage the criminals the raccoons, as theyre known but, im not a doctor. Might be worth looking into too smart to be a doctor, i was told fauci fauci, my best friend. A panda at a zoo in denmark escaped from its enclosure yesterday, after it climbed up a pole with electrical wires then it climbed down the pole, exited the zoo, went to an Office Supply store. And, long story short and finally a man in india reportedly underwent surgery after inserting a phone charger into his penis for sexual gratification. And his girlfriend is going to be so embarrassed when she exists you guys that was a monologue we have a great show for you tonight. Ill be talking to the wonderful Tiffany Haddish. Plus, grammy winning musician and Country Music legend brad paisley will be here. Ill talk, catch up with brad, and then he will perform with fred armisen and the 8g band, socially distant, of course. But, this all come together and its great the news right now is terrible and im only using the word terrible, because anything more accurate wouldnt get past our censors. But in the midst of all the awful recent headlines, a few uplifting stories have emerged which, brings us to a segment called the kind of story we need right now. Seth in april, to slow the spread of the coronavirus, new York Governor Andrew Cuomo ordered all residents to wear face masks when theyre outside. Unfortunately, not all new yorkers complied so what can you do when you see someone in public without a mask ask them politely to put one on . Thats one approach, sure. But when a woman showed up without a mask to a Grocery Store in Staten Island, people there tried a different approach get the [ bleep ] out of here get out [ yelling seth this is the kind of story we need right now. The entire pandemic has been marred by a lack of clear guidelines from federal and local government get tested, dont get tested. Wear a mask, dont wear a mask. You know who is providing Crystal Clear guidance Staten Island. No nuance in the Staten Island guidance they have one guideline, and its wear a mask or get the [ bleep ] out of here. And, frankly, its the clearest message ive heard this whole time the cdc is based in atlanta. But, for my money, it should be based in the frozen food aisle at that shoprite just for comparison, once again, this is how you ask people to wear a mask in manhattan wear a mask if you may be in a situation where you cant socially distance. Seth and this is how you do it in Staten Island. Get the [ bleep ] out of here get out seth but the pandemic hasnt just changed how we shop its also changed how we work, how we socialize and according to two photos that went viral recently, its changed how we baptize babies. Thats right those priests are shooting infants with squirt guns this is the kind of story we need right now when america opens back up, its going to be tough to decide where to go first. A restaurant, the beach, the salon, a carnival. The Catholic Church has made our decision easy. Im not even catholic and as soon as new york opens up, im gonna be like, siri, find me a baptism because they finally look fun. They look fantastic. Also, maybe when this is over, priests should, you know, should still keep that 6foot distance. I dont know could be a winwin in other religious news, a Muslim Community in germany recently asked their local ikea if they could gather in the stores parking lot so they could celebrate the end of ramadan, while also practicing social distancing. And get this, ikea said, yes. Look at that photo how great is that . Its the only nice that has ever happened in an ikea parking lot. Normally when someone prays in an ikea parking lot, its to say, please let this glurbogen fit in my car. Please let this glurbogen fit in my car. Also im so impressed with how carefully spaced apart everyone is ikea mustve given them hundreds of these meanwhile, back in america were all glued to our phones watching terrifying events unfold yesterday i got a notification that said this and i have to say, rude. But the bright spot of social media lately, was this video of a little boy playing doctor with his dad. Now, whats your name dada dada uhhuh what happened . So, um, i woke up and i had a little crimp in my neck. And my neck kept doing this. You woke up yeah, when i woke up. It kept on that, twitching, every time why is it like that i dont know can you can you at least check my heart yeah, i told you. Yeah, cause i aint feeling too good uh seth this is the kind of story we need right now. 82 million americans dont have a primary care physician meanwhile, this man has an amazing doctor he asked all the right questions. Whats your name. What happened . Thats twice as many questions as they often ask you at urgent care plus, that doctor doesnt sugar coat bad news. Most doctors, if they hear Something Weird in their stethoscope are like, i dont know im going to have to run some more tests. This doctor, gives it to his patients straight. Uh seth and finally, in order to survive during the coronavirus pandemic, restaurants across the country are delivering food to americans in quarantine. And while ordering delivery provides people with meals, it doesnt provide them with the social experience of being at a restaurant unless they order from a restaurant in philadelphia called apricot stone, where owner ara ishkharian is providing customers with an interactive experience it all starts when customers make a reservation by that time slot, i reach out to you and we email you the menu. And we email you the wine and spirits pairing with the food. Seth and then, at your reservation time, ara calls you on facetime, from the restaurant, and takes ares your order. Hi, melissa thanks for coming in how are you . What do you recommend as starter . Well, i love our grape leaves seth and ara makes sure customers get the full restaurant experience. We have the music playing we have the candlelight on the table. Seth if you listen hard enough, you can even hear a drunk couple breaking up at another table. And i dont know them, but i do think kelly is making some good points once customers order, they log off until their food is delivered. Then, after it arrives, ara calls back to check in hey, guys how is everything . Let me refill that water for you. Seth this is the kind of story we need right now. I love every part of going to a restaurant, except leaving my house. I would have wanted this service before the pandemic. Plus, for months, most of us have only seen the four walls of our house. This gives you an opportunity to see a fifth wall behind ara. But my favorite part of the experience is this we email you our wine and spirits pairing. Seth i assume theyre pairing wine and spirits with food, instead of pairing wine with spirits, like ive been doing. You know what goes great with cabernet gin. If youre having gin, paint thinner. The last food pairing i made before that was, Peanut Butter and a hot dog bun. Ordering from apricot stone, much like a priest with a squirt gun, is a winwin. They can stay afloat and you get to skip the worst part of eating out, trying to calculate 20 while youre drunk. So much is hard right now. So, thank you to everyone who is making things even a little bit easier because, whether you are keeping your community safe, or providing great health care, or just posting a video of yourself dancing salsa with your own reflection seth these are, the kind of stories we need right now. Well be right back with Tiffany Haddish. The oad. 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Schick hydro silk seth our first guest tonight is an Emmy Awardwinning actress and comedian you know from her work in girls trip and the last o. G. Please welcome back to the show our very good friend Tiffany Haddish. Seth tiffany, i am always so happy to see you you are such a positive person i believe you to be an optimistic person. Youre a very funny person to find the way to talk about this moment that were living through. Its extremely difficult. You know, seth, i like to think of myself as an administrator of joy, someone who when i come into a scene, any worries or woes that you might have can be alleviated or removed. But during this time, it has been so difficult for me to express any kind of joy, or bring any kind of happiness or anything cause im watching, im literally sitting back watching the world fall apart, what it feels like and it feels like it needs to fall apart things need to fall apart and be put back together again in a way thats fair. Seth you were at George Floyds funeral in minneapolis. And what was it like being there . What made you decide to go were you happy in the end that you went okay. So, i decided to go because i was invited. I was invited to be there. And the main thing that made me want to be there mind you, i aint been nowhere okay in months. But the thing that made me really want to be there is i have watched my friends be slaughtered by the police. I have watched people be murdered in front of me. And as a 13yearold, 14yearold girl, you know, and there was nothing i could do except, no, dont do that, just yelling out what does that do . And so i wanted to be there in support of the family because i understand how they feel and being there was like being there for all my friends whose funerals i already went to but all my friends who passed away, all the people that i went to school with whove passed away, been locked up for no reason just cause they cant afford a good lawyer or, you know, accused of things that they didnt do. And being there was so powerful cause i did not know it was going to be televised. I had no idea that it was going to be televised. I thought there would be cameras outside or whatever, but that was my first time walking into a funeral that was televised and a funeral of someone who was killed by a Police Officer you know, and i thought that was really tremendous. And i remember i was like, kevin, put your mask on. You all need to put your mask on nobody wanted to put their mask on i dont know why put your mask on if youre sitting next to me they didnt want to put it on. But will packer put his on and, you know, the eulogies that were given were so powerful. It was a great message and i cried so much. I cried so much. I was crying so much and it was like tears of not just for floyd, but for all of those people that passed away, of all of my friends and my family members that are locked up it was just, like, all the tears that i ever wanted to cry were coming out and i was trying to swallow them trying to swallow them, and when they had that moment of silence, that 8 minutes and 46 seconds of silence on that stage and im standing there next to one of the mothers of a victim, and the quietness and then the thought of what if someones knee was in my neck for this long how helpless were my friends when they were being attacked, you know i just couldnt the tears, i was trying to swallow and it was coming out through my nose and my mask was full of snot and i was like, holding it, trying to like keep the snot off my mouth there aint no holding it and i wasnt going to take it off cause i didnt want to look like a scene out of a bad movie and i just the pain, the amount of pain that i felt was tremendous and as were leaving out of there, you know, people are like, theyre already tweeting about you. Theyre already tweeting about you. And im like, i didnt do anything i didnt do anything and already being, like, attacked. And im like, its not about i dont care if theyre tweeting about me if theyre tweeting about me and thats bringing more attention to whats going on right now, great. But when i took that mask off and all that snot was all over in here, that was not okay but the next day my skin was so soft all from here so i found out about snot facials. Seth there you go. So, theres at least one very tiny, tiny positive. Is this a positive for you i mean, you grew up in south central. Youve seen this your whole life, as youve mentioned. Now there are people from all different walks of life who are addressing this issue, at least saying they care about this issue and want solutions is that important to you have you seen this before, and are you hopeful that it will be different this time . I mean, lets be honest i am so happy finally that people are seeing both sides of the coin, and that theyre out there marching and protesting. And thats great thats great but there needs to be more effective change made. There needs to be more done. And im grateful and thankful that people see what we are going through over here, and they have understanding and theyre like this has to stop. Im so grateful. Im grateful and thankful. But you all need to be making these phone calls to these politicians, to these board supervisors and the mayor and the councilmen there needs to be change made and there needs to be an effective way of dismantling the system of oppression, systemic you know what im saying, the racism has been going on for a long time. It needs to stop seth hey, you and i are obviously, were in show business i have seen so many cop movies, cop shows over the years i would call myself a fan of those kind of shows. And yet i realize as we go through this, so many of the cops that are framed as heroes often make choices that require them crossing a line because we see it from their perspective, we think, well, they know the right time to cross the line do you worry that the way police are perceived and growing up like you did in south central, was that something that was always strange to you. Im sorry, hold up. Im sorry. There is a man at my door and my guard dog, the maltese, is losing it. Thats my