Announcer tonight on late night with seth meyers. John cleese, star of a. P. Bio, actor Glenn Howerton an allnew closer look. Featuring the 8g band with fred armisen and now seth meyers. Seth hey, everyone its day two back in an empty studio and while things arent normal, they are getting closer. For example, today two different tourists asked me if jimmy fallon was as nice as he seems. So, lets get to the news. According to audiotapes from a series of interviews with Journalist Bob Woodward released today, President Trump said six months ago that the coronavirus was airborne and, quote, more dangerous than even your strenuous flu, and that he intended to play it down listen to this i wanted to always play it down i still like playing it down yes because i dont want to create a panic seth well, good job with that this countrys never been more chill. A lot of people arent even moving americas as cool as a cucumber right now. Sure, were stealing toilet paper every time we go into a starbucks. And trader joes looks like the last scene of apocalypse now. But other than that, its all good, baby and its pretty rich that donald trump doesnt want to create a panic did he add, you know, you have enough on your plate, what with the caravan of migrants coming up to murder your family and all. He straight up admitted that he wanted to play it down imagine if Bob Woodwards job was always this easy its as if nixon walked up to him in 1973 and said, hello, bob, did you know i did watergate . This is a pretty cool parking garage, huh . Well, byeee. [ laughter ] that was a very good nixon and, hey, bob woodward, you had this tape months ago and were just now hearing about it . What else is in your book, the cure for disco fever when you have Important Information that the public needs to hear immediately, you dont scooch up to your typewriter the people must know. Tick, tick, tick, tick chapter one. Have one of your grandchildren show you how twitter works or something. Trump also told woodward that he did not think former president barack obama is a great speaker. Well, technically trump said, man before me talk bad. But, you know, i think thats what he was going for. President trump spoke at a Campaign Event yesterday in North Carolina without a face mask said trump, but dont worry, i would never dream of coming within six feet of someone from North Carolina. During a Campaign Event in North Carolina yesterday, President Trumps campaign played knocking on heavens door as supporters waited for trump to arrive. And if you think thats a little on the nose, this was the next song seth President Trump claimed yesterday that former Vice President joe bidens housing policies will increase lowincome housing projects and added, quote, so much for the American Dream. Oh oh, dude, look around. The American Dreams been gone for a while now. Right now the American Dream is just the air is not poisoned and handshakes dont kill you. British Prime MinisterBoris Johnson announced today that the uk will ban social gatherings of more than six people following a sharp increase in coronavirus cases. Luckily, that wont affect the weekly meeting of the Boris Johnson fan club according to a new poll, 52 of American Adults believe that coronavirus is a Health Crisis while the other 48 believe well, i mean, pretty much anything Vice President mike pence campaigned in pennsylvania today. His speech went well, but he had to put a quarter in the swear jar every time he said fracking. In a new campaign video, senator Kamala Harris told former president barack obama that she works out every morning to stay focused and energized. Damn, she was this close to being relatable. We dont have to hear you work out every morning. President trump announced yesterday that he will fund his campaign with his own money if necessary. But before he cuts himself a check, hes obviously going to have to sleep with himself first. Rules are rules. Health officials in los angeles have banned trickortreating this year due to the coronavirus pandemic so, if you want to wear a mask and get candy from a stranger, youll just have to go to the Grocery Store. A karaoke bar in brooklyn was shut down over the weekend after authorities discovered it had ignored coronavirus safety guidelines and allowed almost 300 people to drink inside boy, you hate to hear that people singing karaoke, i mean [ laughter ] one of the few silver linings. And, finally, producers of jeopardy have announced that the show will return with new episodes next week with host alex trebek. Oh, i know this one. [ ding ] what is the one good thing that has happened in 2020 and that was the monologue, everybody. We got a great show for you tonight. The Legendary John cleese will be here. Hes got a new book creativity a short and cheerful guide. Plus, from always sunny in philadelphia and a. P. Bio, which is now streaming on peacock, Glenn Howerton will be here but first, a closer look. So yesterday we checked in on my old friend the sea captain as he was making his way through my copy of the thorn birds back in the captains quarters. But i want to make clear to everyone who is worried, the sea captain is not coming back i havent spoken to him since i left those captains quarters. Although when i went down to the bank of the east river this morning for my daily constitutional, i did find this message in a bottle floating in the water. And lets see here what it says. Hey, seth, what did the pirate say to his exwife when they spotlighted a lighthouse land, ho. jesus. God help whoever he ends up with next and, hey, speaking of needing help studio segue the president held an oldfashioned Campaign Rally in North Carolina, as if the coronavirus pandemic thats still raging out of control had just magically disappeared for more on this, its time for a closer look. Seth now is typically the time in the political calendar when an incumbent president whos trailing badly in the polls starts to get desperate. And donald trump couldnt look any more desperate if he was crammed into a phone booth begging for the glengarry leads. No human being on earth reeks of desperation more than donald trump he sweats like a guy at the otb who bet everything on a horse named ol three legs. Now we all know that trump doesnt just lie he belches out the most outlandish lies he can think of, especially when hes desperate but on tuesday, at a rally in North Carolina, he managed to outdo himself when he told his supporters that despite what they can see and hear with their own eyes and ears, mexico really is paying for the dumb border wall he didnt build and honestly, it was a real throwback to hear the old Mexico Border Wall lie again. It was like hearing uptown funk on the radio and thinking, oh, man, i used to hear this song at the gym. And i used to go to the gym. And i used to leave my apartment. Ha uptown funk you up, indeed. But, yeah, mexicos paying for the wall is back. Now, to be clear the parts of the wall that have been built or renovated were funded not by mexico, but by taxpayer dollars that congress allocated for the Defense Department trump used a National Emergency declaration to pull funds that were supposed to be spent on military construction projects, schools and daycares, among other things that money, your money, went to his wall but on tuesday, trump tried to paper over that with a new breathtakingly stupid lie about how mexico would supposedly pay for the wall and you know mexico is paying for the wall, just so you understand they dont say that. They never say it. But were going to charge a small fee at the border. You know, the toll booths. We have toll booths. Theyre the its the biggest border in the world in terms of people going across and in terms of industry, believe it or not, the southern border. Were putting a small toll on and maybe were going to do something with remittance. Thats where people come here, make money and they send it back so well do something. Were going to get all the money that we spent in the mall wall will be coming back seth wait. So now youre going to put toll booths on the southern border and charge people a fee when they drive across . Thats your plan its one of the Largest International borders in the world, not the verrazzano bridge theyre coming from mexico, not staten island. Thank god. [ laughter ] were going to charge them a toll, and no ezpass, folks. Were going to have those little baskets where you toss the coins and you remember those. And you have to have the exact change you absolutely have to have the exact change and if you miss and youre out of coins in your car, youve got to get out of your car and youve got to pick it up while everyone honks at you. Were also going to put in some of those coinoperated binoculars so if they miss home, they have to pay 50 cents to look back at mexico maybe one of those Grocery Store kitty rides. Those guys are cash cows itll add up itll buy a wall. Honestly, why does he even come up with elaborate explanations if youre going to lie, keep it simple your hardcore fans will believe anything just have eric come on stage in a sombrero and a fake mustache pretending to be the president of mexico presenting you with a giant novelty check for a gajillion pesos. Oh, look, everyone, the president of mexico is here. No, dad, its me, eric. Oh, idioto so thats what the president was talking about as the pandemic continued to rage out of control, rising in at least 22 states. [ laughter ] now we know these events have seeded outbreaks trumps tulsa rally in june likely seeded an outbreak there according to the local Health Director and yet, trump keeps doing them anyway because he doesnt care if people get sick in fact today we learned that he admitted to Journalist Bob Woodward that he downplayed the threat from the virus. And at the rally he actually expressed amazement at how many people had come out to his super spreader event im thrilled to be in winstonsalem, with thousands of loyal, hardworking american patriots you are great people, great people [ cheers and applause i dont know how many people here, but theres a lot. [ cheers and applause we said, lets keep it down. They didnt do too good a job, but thats good, right thats good. No, these crowds, i tell you, its beyond what we had in terms of enthusiasm, beyond what we had four years ago in 2016 and that was a record enthusiasm and we are breaking that record by a lot seth its incredible how many people are here chanting, and yelling, and coughing in close proximity to each other. Also, we got a couple of beach balls bouncing around the crowds so make sure you get your hands and your mouths on those. Now, as we head down the home stretch of the president ial campaign, were in a moment of acute National Crisis unlike anything weve seen in a century. There are multiple crises colliding all at once a raging pandemic, an economic crash, the collapse of our democracy, the dismantling of the post office, the breakdown of the school system, a housing events supercharged by climate change, a National Reckoning over systemic racism theres even true story a National Coin shortage we just didnt notice because everyones too scared to use coins now. And when you do, you have to wipe it down so much you cant even tell whos on it anymore. I mean, i think thats maybe the dude from zz top is that you, Billy Gibbons uhhuhhuhhuh oh, [ bleep ]. Are the graphics going to Start Talking now . Hey, zz top lincoln, whats the difference between you in real life and you on a penny . Legs we have limited crew back, but the people who say no to jokes like that are still out of the building in fact, things are so bad, even trump seems aware on some level that weve careened way over the precipice and plunged down into the abyss. In the middle of a rant about god knows what honestly, i couldnt explain it, and its not worth trying he was, i guess, telling his crowd to imagine what it would be like if they return to earth 3,000 years from now you come back in a thousand years, 2,000 years or 3,000 years, if youre lucky enough, assuming we have something with with the world is a crazy place, isnt it . Seth what . Is it slam poetry night in the head injury ward yeah, man, we know the world is crazy. Did you just wake up from a fouryear kfc coma last thing i remember i was chugging gravy out of a bucket and then i fell asleep on the trump tower escalator. The world is a crazy place, and youre a big reason for that trump makes everything crazy hes like the friend who shows up at your place at 3 00 a. M with a vape pen, a handle of vodka and a duffle bag asking if he can crash with you. And then when youre getting ready for work in the morning he says, bro, you look tired. But in particular two of the simultaneous crises were currently dealing with are a rapid slide into autocracy and an out of control pandemic and in many ways theyre related. Like any wouldbe dictator, trump doesnt care about the Public Health response to the pandemic, or preventing the deaths of hundreds of thousands of americans unless it benefits him personally thats why he hawked one miracle cure after another touted by cable pundits, and a pillow salesman, and a doctor who believes in demon sperm. It doesnt matter that theyre crazy or incompetent, just that they praised him if trump met an herbalist who complimented his tie, hed show up to his next press conference with some tinctures and sage all right, everyone, were going to smudge the room and then drink some honeysuckle extract while holding one of these crystals theyre just rocks i dug up in the rose garden. Were calling them crystals though. In fact, trump is once again desperately hoping for a coronavirus Silver Bullet to revive his political fortunes. Hes pressuring the cdc and fda to approve a Coronavirus Vaccine before november despite the fact that experts have said thats unlikely and yet on monday, trump announced that a vaccine could be ready by october, which just happens to be right before the election under my leadership, well produce a vaccine in record time because now they see weve done an incredible job. And in speed, like nobodys ever seen before. This could have taken two or three years, and instead its going to be [ laughter ] its going to be done in a very short period of time could even have it during the month of october seth oh, october, how convenient hes like an inveterate gambler whos in deep with a loan shark. I quit gambling and i can get you your money you just got to give me the day after the Kentucky Derby dont let me down again, ol three legs. And, look, we all desperately want a vaccine as soon as humanly possible, but we want it to be safe and effective so enough people will get it and we can put this nightmare behind us unfortunately, the way trump is going, hes going to start handing out vials of diet coke at his rallies labeled vaccine. Trump sees no distinction between the government and his personal interests americas slide into autocracy and the administrations horrific response to the coronavirus pandemic are related crises aspiring dictators like trump only care about what serves their interest trump and the gop are an authoritarian movement, and in a functioning democracy the people responsible for this crisis would be banished from power for a thousand years, 2,000 years or 3,000 years seth this has been a closer look. Seth well be right back with john cleese. Announcer for more of seths closer looks, be sure to subscribe to late night on youtube. Icago ok, so, magnificent mile for me i thought i was managing. 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