Peacock and right here. Pete davidson and bad bunny. You got to do [ cheers and applause steve from studio 6b in rockefeller center, in the heart of new york city, its the tonight show starring jimmy fallon. Tonight, join jimmy and his guests Chelsea Handler, willie geist musical guest carly pearce and featuring the legendary roots crew questlove 1846 steve and now here is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy oh right back at you. [ cheers and applause thank you so much. I missed you, enjoy yourself enjoy yourself, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Youre here. Thank you for being here [ cheers and applause welcome, welcome did you read this today . I thought this was very interesting. I saw that costco is now offering 1 ounce gold bars for 2,000 and theyre selling out. Gold bars. Yeah, even weirder, at kay jewelers, theyre giving out free cheese sandwiches steve really [ laughter ] jimmy so, if youre keeping track, you can buy gold bars at costco, no problem but cvs still keeps their deodorant locked behind bulletproof glass [ laughter ] you want 24hour protection i gotta call my call my manager. Hold on. [ light laughter ] some more business news. Uber Just Announced that you can now have drivers deliver your return packages to the post office, fedex, or ups that makes sense at night, they drive drunk people and in the morning, they drive the stuff the drunk people ordered. [ laughter and applause perfect. Steve its the circle of life the circle of life jimmy well, big news from washington oh, my goodness. Hey, quick show of hands does anybody here want to be speaker of the house [ light laughter ] steve okay jimmy everybody is talking about this Kevin Mccarthy was ousted from his job, and now theres no speaker of the house but next week, a vote will be held to replace him and a lot of people are calling it a a thankless job thats borderline impossible. Yeah, theres not much fun, and most republicans say that theyre not interested they actually are using special excuse generators to get out of it [ light laughter ] ill show you what i mean. For instance, when congressman mike rogers was asked to run for speaker, the generator told him to say [ beeping i cant give up my current job as airbrushed john goodman. [ light laughter ] steve wow. Jimmy you see how it works [ applause ] theyre just giving them excuses. Steve thats random . Jimmy let me show you random next one, when congressman jack bergman was asked, he said [ beeping after much thought im just too young to be in congress. [ laughter and applause i mean, theyre helping steve yeah jimmy they want a way out of this, so they use the excuse generator. Like, check this out when congressman Michael Guest was asked, he said [ beeping i already have a job where i jump scare people inside a a haunted house. [ laughter and applause steve wow jimmy his job. Heres another one when congressman mark amodei was asked, he said [ beeping i would but i must continue my elusive hunt for a square bike helmet. [ laughter ] thats impossible [ applause ] steve wow. Jimmy they dont make them steve its random. Jimmy hes on the hunt steve yeah jimmy you gotta be safe. Steve yeah jimmy youve gotta be save and next up, when congressman austin scott was asked, he said [ beeping id rather just keep telling women in bars im conservative jason bateman. [ laughter and applause thats what he tells women in bars steve of course. Jimmy i dont know heres another one when congressman Chuck Edwards was asked, he said [ beeping im too busy trying to match my goatee with trumps toupee. [ laughter and applause thats impossible, thats hard to do. Jimmy and finally, when congressman john carter was asked, he said [ beeping ill pass because im actually the next golden bachelor. [ laughter and applause so, these are just some of these meanwhile, with Kevin Mccarthy out, North Carolina congressman Patrick Mchenry will serve as the interim speaker. Yeah Kevin Mccarthy and Patrick Mchenry. They have similar names, so its a little confusing. Here, let me break it down for you. [ rhythmic tapping ] Kevin MccarthyPatrick Mchenry. Kevin mccarthy [ light laughter ] Patrick Mchenry. Mchenry, mccarthy. Mchenry, mccarthy. Two men. Same party [ light laughter ] mccarthy, mcgarvey, mccollum, mccaul mccarthy, mccarthy, mccartney, mcgraw mccarthy, mcgovern, mccormick, mcbath, mcclellan, mick jagger, mccheese, back to pat. Mccarthy, mcgovern, mclovin, mcrib, Matthew Mcconaughey [ light laughter ] now back to mick kevin and kevin and kevin and matt matt ousted kevin and now we have pat patrick and patty and patrick and pat. Kevin and kevin james meme format pat mchenry after him, pat, pat, kev, kev, matt, matt, jim [ cheers and applause i hope that was helpful. Thats right, after mccarthy was voted out, mchenry got to bang the gavel for the first time as speaker. Lets see how that went. The chair declares the house in recess, subject to the call of the chair [ muffled thump [ laughter ] jimmy wow trouble at home, pat [ laughter ] wow. He was pretty aggressive with the gavel there. And oh, im sorry hold on, im hearing that Patrick Mchenry is back in the House Chamber right now. This is real can we go live and see what hes up to jimmy the chair welcomes everyone to todays session. The first order of business, the chair recognizes house bill 3. 817 to approve the shortterm spending bill. [ thump [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause next, the chair recognizes bill 413. 5 to make guacamole free at all chipotle oh [ cheers and applause oh next up, the chair declares a new federal holiday, Orville RedenbacherAppreciation Day dont at me. [ thump [ laughter and applause next, the chair recognizes october 4th as the official start of Pumpkin Spice season. August is too early. November is too late its settled oh [ repeated thumps [ cheers and applause next item on the agenda, the chair declares travis kelce and taylor swift as the best couples Halloween Costume of the year no one slayslay like taytay. [ cheers and applause jimmy pretty intense guy pretty intense guy he was like, yahoo jimmy finally, officials in australia are warning people to stay away from a swamp that mysteriously turned pink overnight. Take a welcome at this steve ooh. [ audience oohs jimmy it turns out it was the worlds worst crocodile gender reveal. [ laughter and applause we have a great show give it up for the roots, yall [ cheers and applause jimmy hey, what a show we have for you tonight she is a grammynominated comedian whose little big bitch tour will be at the Hollywood Pantages theater october 12th and 13th. One of my favorites, Chelsea Handler is here tonight [ cheers and applause steve yes jimmy funny. Hes an emmynominated news anchor who hosts sunday today with willie geist which airs every sunday on nbc. Willie geist is joining us tonight [ cheers and applause hes got some scoops i want some news i want some scoops and we got great music tonight shes a grammy winner and her Country Music made me do it tour kicks off this thursday in new york city carly pearce is here tonight [ cheers and applause stick around well be right back with Chelsea Handler, everybody come on back [ cheers and applause jimmy this is such a a perfect fit, and i gom man, when are they making the movie when is Chelsea Handler taking over daily show . Oh, well. Whether its me or not, they should hire a woman. Jimmy yeah [ cheers and applause so. Jimmy i i think wouldnt you guys all like to see a woman behind a desk jimmy yeah, absolutely [ cheers and applause woman it is high. Whenever you are ready. man are there any snakes . woman nope. man are you sure . Here we go vo its time to push your limits. man okay. woman youre doing great man oh, is that a buffalo . woman babe, thats a cow. vo the allnew Subaru Crosstrek wilderness. Adventure on the edge. You deserve better than that. Im hungry, im in a hurry, i dont have time to make anything healthy. You could if you had a blendjet. Blendjet . Its the portable blender that makes the healthy choice the most convenient choice. I dont know. It seems like a hassle. Hahaha wrong. Just pour in some milk, add some frozen fruit, and bam youve got a nutritious and delicious smoothie. Mmm that is good. Youre welcome, sad office guy. Get yours today at blendjet. Com are we in in an ad . We sure are. Some people just know thats not gonna fit. Those are the people who know to choose allstate. Thats not gonna fit. Whats that . You need another four inches . Do you work here . Nope, i just saw you there and i thought id save you the trouble. Nana shes a human measuring tape. And she knows allstate is the right fit for her. Its not gonna fit. Thats not gonna fit. What . Steven . Some people just know. Well played. Well played, my friend. Those are the people who know youre in good hands with allstate. [ am pm by notd begins ] thoshow good does it feelknow when threshold decors welcomes more seasonal style for less . When you can save on good gather groceries in all the fall flavors. And when Quality Ingredients bring more to the table. When you get low prices on the latest trends. When rewards come with quality and coziness. And when youre serving up taste they love at low prices. Thats totally target. We made it bmo has arrived. Hello . You said it. Hello to more ways to save money, grow your wealth, grow your business. Just what we needed, another big bank. Not so fast. How many banks do you know that reward you for saving every month . Hes got a good point. Did i mention bmo has more feefree atms than the two largest us banks combined . Uh, bmo . Just beemo, actually. Quick question, will all this stuff fit in your car . should i get rid of the mug . Bmo california sky todos alcanzamos Las Estrellas sunny state of mind flexin all the time todo es dorado feels so golden vive en el Estado Dorado [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest is a a grammynominated comedian whose little big bitch tour will be at the Hollywood Pantages theatre october 12th and 13th for tickets, go to chelseahandler. Com please welcome, Chelsea Handler, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy Chelsea Handler, as always, welcome back to the show oh, so happy to be here i just love it here, you guys. Jimmy yeah, its good energy, right . Its good energy out here. Yes, absolutely [ cheers and applause jimmy congrats you just had two sold out shows at the beacon here in new york city. I know. I missed you i was hoping you would come. Jimmy yeah but you didnt, you blew me off, as usual. Jimmy this is no this is even better because im closer to you here. I know, this is what thats exactly what i was thinking [ laughter ] jimmy i just i just wanted to see you in person. Yeah uhhuh. Jimmy i cant wait im going to check out the tour but i wanted to ask you, if you dont mind, i hate doing this on live television, but there are some headlines that happened to you over the summer and i was thinking of maybe bringing them up, and seeing, if you dont mind, are they true or whats your story behind them . Sure. Yeah i love headlines yeah [ laughter ] jimmy i dont know if theyre gossip, or whats going on right, me neither i mean, i cant wait to hear them lets hear it. Jimmy okay, all right. Well, this says, Chelsea Handlers threesome with masseuse led to ted harbert romance end. i was very turned on by her. [ laughter ] okay. Well, i have to tell the truth, because im incapable of anything else. So that one was tricky, because did i andy cohens radio show. Jimmy uhhuh and by the time i left the studio, i had already forgotten i had done it. You know what i mean jimmy sure like, we do interviews all the time, and during that interview, he had asked me if i had any threesomes, and i like to, you know, again, tell my personal history as if its my on only personal history. And i always forget there are other people involved in my stories. So, i was jimmy in this case, two other people yeah yeah. [ laughter ] so, i was walking to lunch the next day, and i had a new apple phone. And it was blowing up. And i couldnt understand how to work it and i was like, just stop, stop, stop. And then it was a text from my exboyfriend, ted harbert, who is, you know, a very dear friend of mine and said, that was not cool please dont do that again some things are better left private. Jimmy wow. And i was like, wow, thats a pretty stern email to be getting from my exboyfriend. And i was like, whats he talking about . And then i was like, did i Say Something . And then i googled myself. Jimmy oh, no [ laughter ] dont ever do that and every email was like, Chelsea Handler ends breaks up with ted harbert because of masseuse threesome with masseuse. So, i really want to clarify i want to go on the record that that is not why our relationship ended [ laughter ] jimmy thats not why no. We did have a lot of threesomes and that while thats private, its already out there. So, im gonna double down on that, and just say that we didnt break up because i left him for the masseuse that didnt happen jimmy you think thats why hes upset [ laughter ] do you think thats why hes mad hes sending this stern email . Hes like, i just want you to tell the truth we had other problems. [ laughter ] but you know ted harbert. Jimmy of course. I thought it gave so many people came up to me he was your boss at some point jimmy i know he so many people came up to me, and theyre like, wow, that gave ted harbert a lot of street cred. Who knew he was having threesomes. [ laughter ] so, i just want to say he was. Jimmy oh, my gosh, stop saying that. [ laughter ] now im getting an email, by the way. No. But but i love ted harbert. I love you, if youre watching, hopefully not. Jimmy ted, i love you, too [ light laughter ] we kept it a twosome we kept it twos we kept it a two all right, how about this headline we both love you, ted jimmy we do. How about this headline . Chelsea handler reveals shes dating mystery man who is full of love and positivity. oh that was also a mistake that was [ laughter ] i posted a photo with my okay, so i have a summer place that i like to go in spain and down, underneath the house, or below the house, theres a bar. And the bartender became a very close friend of mine, for obvious reasons. And jimmy as bartenders do as yeah. I mean, we spent a lot of time together and so, he became my baby. And i called him baby. And we were very affectionate with each other, because there he is. Oh, there he is. Look look how cute he is. Jimmy this is my baby hes full of love and positivity, and his body is my wonderland i love my baby, and now i go back to work. Thats right. And so, byebye baby now babys famous. Look at him. Look at baby jimmy so, you call him baby, but not because hes baby not because hes my baby. Because hes i love people who bring drinks to me [ laughter ] baby thats then youre my baby. Jimmy thats a great way of yes [ cheers and applause jimmy thats a great way of putting it baby. Its like, baby. You know i kissed him on the lips every time he brought me drinks, i was like, thank you. Jimmy yeah you know. Just happiness, really jimmy yeah can we talk about the standup tour yes jimmy its going through december im coming everywhere, you guys jimmy yes. Because you know what i love standup jimmy you do i do. I love it so much. I took a break, and i came back like three specials ago, or two specials ago, and i just cant get enough of it so, i love i just love performing and telling my stories. Theyre so ridiculous, my stories. Jimmy theyre my favorite. You know. I mean, i have a great story this time about andrew cuomo i almost had a threesome with him, but it didnt quite pan out. Jimmy no, thats not youre going to get in trouble no, im not going to get in trouble, because its true not the threesome not the threesome part jimmy thats the part im concerned about. No, no, no, we didnt have a threesome. We didnt even have a twosome, but i was trying to drum up some business with him anyway [ laughter ] and that was when he was, you know, cool, and fun, and like, leading our nation at a time where we were dehydrated for leadership so but that didnt come to fruition but i have some good stories in my standup that it gives me a lot of joy to share them, because the only person who comes out looking really stupid is me. You know what i mean everybody else doesnt come out come come out looking badly, i dont think jimmy no not at all i dont yeah i mean, look at ted harbert. Hes having threesomes you know jimmy no, stop saying that [ laughter ] i got rid of my apple watch, so he cant text me again. Jimmy i wanted to since the last time youve been on the show, you guest hosted on the daily show. And i got to say, you were phenomenal oh, thank you jimmy it was such a great job. [ cheers and applause thank you i loved it jimmy people loved it. I you got great cause you know what youre doing . Youre smart youre funny, youre quick, youre sharp and it got great headlines and i go, this is such a perfect fit. And i go, man, when are they making the move . When is Chelsea Handler taking over daily show . oh, well, what i will say about that, is that i think we are in a very important cultural moment, you know, with women dominating culture we have [ cheers and applause yeah jimmy i agree. The two highest grossing tour i mean, look at look at taylor swift. Shes like our president now you know [ laughter ] like, im like, taylor swift is ruling the universe. Beyonce. Jimmy yes. The two highest grossing tours of the summer are women. Jimmy yes. [ cheers and applause the highest grossing movie of the year, you know, the high highest grossing movie of the year was directed by a woman about women. You know barbie. [ cheers and applause and look at, like, you look at coco gauff, and how many people are watching her win her very first grand s