Radioactive spider bites are covered either laughter announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes john oliver, Woody Harrelson and musical guest Emmylou Harris, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen a little gentler thank you very much hey, everybody jon, rare to see you in the same outfit. audience chanting Stephen Stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause i wish we had a crowd like that on thursday and friday night. These people are incredible. They give and give. piano riff welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. And folks, its the end of a long week for donald trump, jr. laughter he hasnt been under this much stress since his first job interview. I see here on your resume that youre my son. Special skills, having my same name. Youre hired. laughter and its looking more and more like that meeting with the russian lawyer might not just mean trouble for donald trump, jr. , but also the other Campaign Staffers he invited, paul manafort, former campaign chairman, and Jared Kushner, his brotherinlaw. Eric trump wasnt invited, because they were afraid hed try to take off the russian lawyers head to see if there were more lawyers nested inside of her. laughter applause piano riff too dangerous. They could not risk it. International incident is what that would be. Jon cant risk it, nah. Stephen and who was the international operative who set up this clandestine meeting . None other than music publicist and old guy at the rave no one wants to dance with, rob goldstone. Goldstone runs a Public Relations company in england named oui 2. Which is also what trump allegedly ordered in that Russian Hotel room. laughter allegedly did you thank you very much. Goldstone is something of a shadowy character, but my team of experts here at the late show, our Research Team were able to dig up some evidence on him through a complex hacking method called visiting his facebook page. laughter goldstone is clearly a master of disguises. Here he is as a chef, as a pirate, as a shriner, and a mexican wrestler. laughter clearly the man has spent years deep undercover in a popup halloween store. laughter because if goldstone werent an international superspy, why would he have other identities, like this video i like to condition and moisturize my hair. Im a good girl. Stephen jim, thats the wrong footage. I didnt ask for an international supermodel. laughter oh, okay. Of course, with don, jr. And Jared Kushner embroiled in scandals, President Trump can still turn to Senior Advisor and man drinking quietly at the back of the bowling alley, steve bannon. booing lot of steve bannon fans here tonight. We havent heard from bannon in a while, but hes back in the news thanks to a new book called devils bargain. Which is also the name of Steve Bannons signature cologne. laughter an excerpt of the book about bannon was published this week in new york magazine, and its full of juicy details like his rivalry with Jared Kushner, who bannon says was trying to shiv him and push him out the door. Oh, yeah, you know jareds a badass. laughter i heard he was captain of his prep schools shiv team. laughter and, according applause who doesnt love a good shivving . And according to the book, when the president fired james comey, bannon was against it. But once the backlash hit, trump turned to bannon to create an outside war room to put a prophylactic around the oval office. So, at least now we know trump is using protection when hes screwing us. laughter jon oh stephen its so important. piano riff its so important. Jon its important to use protection, huh . piano riff applause stephen and you need not worry about Steve Bannons self esteem. The book reveals that he owns an oil painting of himself dressed as napoleon in his study. Now, we just have reports at this point, no image of the painting, but i had my crack Graphics Team work up a rendition. Heres the original painting. Heres bannon. laughter hes looking good. Hes had a little work done. Jon i like that. Stephen hes had a freshen up. But bannons not the only trump insider in the news. So is attorney general and imp who gets your firstborn if you dont guess his name, Jeff Sessions. laughter earlier this week, sessions spoke to an antil. G. B. T. Hate group in a closeddoor speech. Closeddoor . Come on guys, its 2017 its okay to come out, and let your hate flag fly youre here, you fear, were used to it. cheers and applause the proof piano riff thank you. See . Were celebrating your journey the Group Sessions spoke to was Alliance Defending freedom, a powerhouse christian law firm, defending clients like the bakery that refused to make a samesex wedding cake. They also wrote model legislation, such as bathroom bills, which are aimed at keeping transgender people out of restrooms. So no cake for gay couples, no bathrooms for transgender people, and bisexuals may not use shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle. laughter got to pick a side. applause you got to. Its in the bible someplace. And leviticus. Its always a safe bet. laughter leviticus is a very safe bet. Whoever wrote leviticus was uptight, let me just say that. laughter and the a. D. F. s mission has been described as seeking to recover the robust christendomic theology of the 3rd, 4th, and 5th centuries. Ah, the good old days laughter the third, fourth and fifth centuries when men were men and women died in childbirth at fourteen. laughter so what did sessions say to these people . We dont know. Weve asked, but we dont know, because, so far, both the a. D. F. And the Justice Department have declined requests to release his full remarks. Which means we can only speculate as to what he said. So i will. laughter applause jim, could we . laughter good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. laughter i do declare i am positively flabbergasted by the amount of homosexualizing i see in our country these dark days. We must return our culture to what god intended. Men marrying women, having Marital Relations just for reproduction, lights off, socks on. laughter finishing with a firm handshake. laughter then then laughter i just realized theres a man behind me in this shot laughter then, then pay no attention to the man behind the cookie laughter then, when this heightened moral state is finally achieved, im going to take away their medical pot hee hee im Jeff Sessions lets go visit stephens tummy tum wheeeee ahhh cheers and applause now so good. Mmm, so good. So good. Jon i had one earlier. I know theyre good. Stephen if seeing me eat our nations attorney general gave you the munchies, and you live in nevada, ive got some very good news because, starting this month, nevadans can buy legal marijuana. cheering personally no. No im against it i believe its wrong to be high while youre gambling drunk with a prostitute. laughter apparently, sales are already far exceeding expectations, with estimated sales of 3 million in the first four days alone. Explains their new tourist slogan what happens in vegas stays in. Wait, where are we again . laughter but sales have been so good that less than two weeks into the program, nevadas marijuana supplies are already running low. Its so bad, that the governor declared a state of emergency. laughter a state of emergency jon wow wow stephen up until now, a weed emergency was when you lock yourself in your room because youre paranoid your cat knows youre high. Hes going to figure out im the one who had him fixed. laughter oh, hey, i have a question to ask, here. If this isnt too personal. Are there any fellow catholics here tonight . cheering okay, well then you got the alert on the catholic app we all have about what im about to talk about. For those who arent catholics, theres big news out of pope city, the vatican has outlawed glutenfree bread for holy communion. Well, of course, you cant have the body of christ without gluten, he is risen laughter piano riff thats the truth. Thats the truth. Jon i like that. Stephen live that truth. Live it. Its all based on the teachings of famed catholic scholar the pillsbury dough pope. laughter now, this puts catholics with celiac disease, who cant have gluten, in a tough position. Do they compromise their health to take communion, or do they refuse the churchs most important sacrament . Im sure when they get to heaven, st. Peter will say, you fed the poor, you cared for the sick, you loved your neighbor as yourself, but youre one of those annoying glutenfree people, so go to hell laughter but the vatican isnt entirely heartless. They understand. They say, parishioners who cannot tolerate even a trace amount of gluten should receive wine only. Which is kind of nice when you think about it. Wine on an empty stomach really makes the mass fly by. laughter now, as a catholic, i am legally obligated to agree with my pope. The communion must include gluten. The only one who can disagree is god himself. And and i do disagree, stephen. Stephen oh, hi. Its god, everybody say hey to the lord hey, everybody cheers and applause hey, hey how you doing . Long week, huh . Thank me, its friday. laughter stephen so, lord, youre against the church insisting that the eucharist have gluten . Oh yeah, im glutenfree. Im also doing a cleanse right now. Can i tell you about it . Stephen i dont really care its lemon water, cayenne pepper, and a little maple syrup. Goes through you like samson through the philistines. laughter yeah. I had to drop a few lbs after i ate all those dinosaurs. Stephen you ate the dinosaurs . Yeah, i was doing paleo. An old girlfriend got me into it. Shes a tattoo artist now. Stephen but she has a show on the history channel. Her names krystal with a k. laughter stephen she sounds very nice. No, shes not. laughter stephen but youre god. If youre glutensensitive, cant you change the communion rule . Ehhh, im not actually glutensensitive, stephen. I just heard about it on dr. Oz once, and i wanted to be cool. Frankly, ive been dying for an excuse to hit this meatball sub. Mmmm want some, stephen . Please say no. Stephen well, actually, im vegan right now. You go to hell laughter stephen god, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Weve got special never before seen president ial battle between me and john oliver. But its friday and that means midnight confessions next. Stick around cheers and applause band playing get on up. Get on up, mama. Get on up. Do what you want. Do you want, let the record hop. Degree motionsense. Ultimate freshness. With every move. The more you move, the more it works. Degree, it wont let you down. The toothpaste that helps prevent bleeding gums. If you spit blood when you brush or floss you may have gum problems and could be on the journey to much worse. Help stop the journey of gum disease. Try parodontax toothpaste. Take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. 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We talked to oligarchs, people on the street, to Cyber Security experts, it was spooky. Couldnt wait to get out of there. I almost kissed the ground when i got off the plane, but it was inside j. F. K. And i know whos been walking there. Not a good idea. Not a good idea. laughter as i was saying before, im a catholic. And as a catholic, i feel a lot of guilt about how much i talk about my guilt. And unfortunately i dont get to confession as often as i like. So, if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. laughter okay, be right back. soft organ music forgive me audience for dessert last night, i had a cupcake, which is my abbreviation for a couple of cakes. laughter audience, when people ask me if celebrities get special treatment, i always tell them the same thing please step away from the hovercraft. laughter if i ever ask to pet your dog, its because the mens room was out of toilet towels. laughter i dont know what a toilet towel is. laughter i meant to say toilet paper, but its friday and ive already started drinking. cheers and applause i always lie to get out of jury duty, and the judge always says, sir, youre the defendant. laughter i believe with all my heart we should do everything we can to fight global warming, other than turn down the air conditioning one degree in this theater. laughter ive been eating a strictly vegan diet all week, and its very empowering. For instance, i no longer fear death i long for it. laughter applause i have a box of kraft macaroni and cheese in my cupboard with an ad on the back for a bugs life. laughter the premise being that the box is so old. laughter applause if someone tells me when god closes a door, he opens a window, i want to lock the door and shove them out the window. laughter forgive me, audience audience we forgive you stephen thanks. When we come back, john oliver, and i, will see each other face to face in a president ial battle that was so good we saved it for tonights show. cheers and applause band playing with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. And its softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. We all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin . Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The new moto z with motomods. Get a moto z play for only 10 a month. No tradein required. Ever wonder whats in a beer . If its a bud light, its four essential ingredients barley, rice, water and hops. Heres to the beer you can always count on. Brewed to be americas favorite light lager. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody. Welcome back to the late show. Welcome to a special Bonus Edition of john oliver. cheers and applause bonus. Bonus john oliver. Stephen any other show would waste this moment right now on a web extra. Huhuh. Stephen huhuh. This is bonus john oliver. John oliver you literally didnt ask for and arguably didnt want. laughter stephen exactly, yeah. So, listen, i have a bone to pick with you. Pick it. Stephen all right. Its because you and i both got wind that down in gettysburg, pennsylvania . Thats right. Stephen this was the gettysburg president museum hall of fame. The wax president ial museum. Stephen wax president ial museum. And we didnt know that each other were interested. Stephen no. We sent some people down, and you sent people down there. Because were both attracted to things that are objectively ridiculous. laughter stephen exactly and jon stewart was too. He also sent somebody down there because what do you want . You want a wax president. Stephen you want a wax president. Or a wax first lady which, if you remember, they had the wax first ladies for only twothirds the height. Like an editorial cartoon. Stephen exactly as if back in the 18th century there was no calcium. laughter thats right. Stephen osteoperosis was terrible back then. Representing how women would eventually be paid. audience reacts stephen thats commentary, not endorsement from him. Hes a satirist. I cant be the bad guy there it wasnt a suggestion, it was a criticism laughter stephen heres the thing, we bought Zachary Taylor, thats who we bid on, and you got warren g. Harding, right . Well, we got five president s of which my favorite was indeed the ultimate warren g. Stephen five . Five. Stephen these things werent cheap. They cost thousands. Thats more of that dragon money, right . laughter applause yeah. Stephen damn it but heres the thing, i was happy for you. Good. Stephen i was almost validated because i respect you. He wanted some, i got some. Thats great stephen i was only happy for you. But this is what you said on your show. Well, congratulations, stephen although it is worth pointing out Zachary Taylor died of a stomach bug 16 months into office. So he wasnt so much a president and more some guy who bleep himself to death in the west wing bathroom. laughter applause stephen i know what this means and it doesnt apply. It does not apply look, that was totally uncalled for and i would like you to apologize hold on. You want me to apologize to you for insulting your wax president . Stephen no. I want you to apologize to wax Zachary Taylor. Bring him out, boys cheers and applause playing hail to the chief cheers and applause i would absolutely love to apologize to a wax president. The problem is, i dont see a wax president there. What i see a oneyear wonder who died of a tender tummy. laughter you want to see what a real wax president looks like . Im going to take you to the g spot, stephen. The warren g. Harding spot bring my boy out cheers and applause playing hail to the chief stephen all right, john