Rose, that late in the summer wine say hey summertime wine and dine chuck rose but youve got to buy the album. Holla at ya boy. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes charlie rose and jessica williams. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen wooo right there. Nice. Very nice. Hey, whats going on . Please, thank you so much. Wow. That is that is make no mistake make no mistake, that right there, that is a friday crowd right there. cheers and applause i wish we could have a crowd like this two nights in a row. Thats incredible. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks, i want to say thank god its friday. cheers and applause though, im not entirely sure gods the one who has been in control this week because the news is a hellscape. You know they call the presidency the bully pulpit, so far, donald trump is only doing the bully part. One of his victims this week is alaska senator and summertime manager of the overlook hotel, lisa murkowski. laughter murkowski was one of only two republican senators who voted against bringing the g. O. P. Healthcare bill to the floor on tuesday. cheers and applause yeah, yeah. That clapping means youre not donald trump, because trump tweetwedgied her and with and with this tweet, i just let them down a little further. Too bad okay, thats tough talk. But shes not up for reelection until 2022, so hes got nothing on her, he cant threaten her. Which is why the Trump Administration has threatened retribution against the entire state of alaska over murkowskis votes. Hes got to. Because donald trump knows that being president is like being in prison youve got to walk up to the biggest state in the union and just jack em. Otherwise, the senate smells weakness and turns you into their sweetmeats for the next three and a half years. But im surprised trump would threaten alaska. Theyve got a lot in common. He got his start on reality shows, just like every citizen of alaska did. Apparently, murkowski and alaskas other senator both got a threatening call from interior secretary and man who wants to get you into a used pickup today, okay, whats it going to take . Ryan zinke. The zinke called the alaskan senators to tell them that the vote had put alaskas future with the administration in jeopardy. Oh, come on you cant scare alaskans. Their state motto is if you have to, eat the dogs. laughter applause so i think thats true. Its in latin. It sounds better in latin. So trump sent one of his goons to threaten people who cross him. This administration is like organized crime, except for the organized part. cheers and applause its not very good at this fellas. I dont know. I cant tell. Is donald trump really willing to throw an entire state under the bus just because his feelings are hurt . Jimmy, could we look at the white house today . Can we zoom in on that flag . Oh, that does not look good. That does not look good. Puerto rico, polish up your resume. This might be your shot laughter now, the one person in washington trump has really givin the executive swirly to this week is attorney general and pixie watching you have sex from behind a clover leaf, Jeff Sessions. laughter trump is still furious that sessions recused himself from the russia investigation. And now he doesnt have a right hand man at justice who will fire mueller for him. And we have now learned that trump has been talking privately about how he might replace sessions and possibly sidestep Senate Oversight with a recess appointment. Wow, just replacing sessions while everyone is out on vacation . That is cold. Thats like saying, hi, kiddo. Welcome back from summer camp by the way, this is your new sister, alice. Shes replacing your old sister, martha, who lets face it was a little mouthy. Anyway, get washed up, buddy, come on or youre next its the first baby goose step so a lot of senators are trying to stop it, like illinois senator and bugeyed squeeze toy, dick durbin, who said, were exploring the ways right now to keep the senate formally in session through the august recess. They might cancel recess . That means Mitch Mcconnell would have to set up his slip and slide on the senate floor cheers and applause and, and, its not. cheers and applause it looks fun. That looks refreshing. Its not just the democrats. South Carolina Republican and oldest man in an Elementary School picture, lindsay graham, is warning the president not to mess with sessions. Im 100 behind Jeff Sessions. There will be no confirmation hearing for a new attorney general in 2017. If Jeff Sessions is fired, there will be holy hell to pay. Stephen holy hell. Holy hell. I do declare. Holy hell. If you persist, i will whip you with my fiddlesticks. Holy hell. And graham went on to warn any effort to go after mueller could be the beginning of the end of the trump presidency. cheers and applause stephen yes, and then again, if he doesnt go after mueller thats also the beginning of the end of the trump presidency. So either way, things are looking up. And graham is not the only republican standing up to trump. Chairman of the Senate Judiciary committee and ancient idol carved from potato, Chuck Grassley, tweeted, everybody in d. C. Should be warned that the agenda for the judiciary comm is set for rest of 2017. Judges first, subcabinet second, a. G. , no way. Wow, i did not know Chuck Grassley was into slam poetry m. C. , tap that grassley. A. G. , no way in the u. S. A. You oughta know this, potus im the o. G. Of the g. O. P. In the sennot of the united hates of ascareica. cheers and applause sorry. These are expensive, i think. Im not sure i should have done. Jon you dont want to break that. Stephen lets talk about press secretary and mother of the kid who bit your kid, Sarah Huckabee sanders. Its been a jampacked week. Reporters have had a hard time getting straight answers about jared kushner. The kutch attorney general jeff session, in or out. So wednesday huckasanders cleared everything by reading a letter from a random kid. My name is dillon but everybody calls me pickle. Im nine years old and youre my favorite president. I like you so much that i had a birthday about you. Stephen hold on. Whats a trumpthemed birthday look like . Is there a wall around the pinata . Do you laughter applause what do you i dont know what you i dont know. Do do you blow out the candles or do some nice russian ladies, lets say, extinguish them . laughter you dont have to make a wish, pickle, but definitely close your eyes. Im sorry, you were answering the tough questions . Then dillon goes on to ask a few questions. I dont know why people dont like you . Me, either, dillon. You seem really nice. Can we be friends . Im happy to say i directly spoke to the president , dillon, and he would be more than happy to be your friend. Stephen id be careful, pickle. laughter applause i know one little boy, little jeffy sessions, who wrote the same letter last year and he regrets it. Anyway, sarah, thank you. Thank you. cheers and applause thank you for sharing that. I know you only give reporters a limited amount of time so how about a quick question about jareds eting with the russians. Guys, i hate to cut it short. The president has an event. Stephen would love to talk about undermining our democracy but i would like to have the deep dive on that pickle letter. Toodles cheers and applause shes just shamelessly, shamelessly running the clock out on journalists. Whats next, a cooking segment with mario lopez . laughter i would watch that. I would watch that. Yeah, i would definitely id have him on here but id want him shirtless. So unbelievable. Unbelievable. So all you frustrated reporters, if you want your questions answered, clearly theres only one way to do it. Come on out here, norah norah, everybody give it up cheers and applause there you go. Thank you so much for being here. Good to see you. Good to see you. So great. Hi, stephen. Stephen hi, norah, are you ready to help americans get their questions answered . Sure am. Dear president , my name is norah, but everyone calls me mustard. Youre my favorite current president. laughter anyway, i was wondering, does the attorney general enjoy your full support . And how do you plan to implement the ban on transgender people currently serving in the military . Will those on active duty be called home . Sounds like a logistical nightmare. laughter one more thing are you a puppet of Vladimir Putin . laughter i love puppets cheers and applause i love puppets i made one at camp love, mustard. cheers and applause p. S. people say we have the same hands laughter cheers and applause stephen mustard, everybody meanwhile, last week, i dont know if you guys watched the show, i had former Vice President al gore on the show to promote his sequel to an inconvenient truth, which is great news. It turns out there is still enough earth left to make a sequel. Its a great documentary about Climate Change that i suggest everyone check out. After all, theres no better way to show you care about the planet than sitting in a theater with the air conditioning blasting while drinking out of giant plastic cups. Plus, during our interview, the former Vice President unveiled an interesting Marketing Strategy for the documentary. We are going to win this. The only question is how long it will take. And to young people, in particular, i really recommend this movie as a date movie. laughter stephen because . Its a hot date movie. Its an amazingly hot date movie. Stephen because if the end of the worlds coming, you might as well hook up with me. laughter youve got to admit, that does make a great pickup line. So with that in mind, we at the late show want to offer anyone interested in finding a date for this movie, al goreapproved Climate Change pickup lines. Are you Climate Change . Because when i look at you, the world disappears . Stephen im like 97 of scientists i cant deny its getting hot in here. Looking at you, two things are clear heaven is missing an angel. And the u. S. Is missing any kind of viable responsible climate policy. Stephen is that an iceberg the size of delaware breaking off the Antarctic Ice shelf or are you just happy to see me . I hope youre not powered by fossil fuels, because youve been running through my mind all day. Stephen tell you what sea levels not the only thing rising around here. Either wastewater disposal from fracking has caused an increase in earthquakes in this area, or you have rocked my world. cheers and applause stephen an inconvenient sequel is in theaters today. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Its friday, so that means midnight confessions. Stick around. Stop in to kohls and see the smart new look of apt. 9. Save on premier flex dress shirts updated henleys and stretch denim. Plus take an extra 20 off when you spend 100 or more and get kohls cash. Apt. 9 only at kohls. You can do endless move 201online research. T, or, you can take advantage of our best offer ever on an xt5. Dont wait. Our 2017 models will be moving fast. You can drive a car. Or you can drive a cadillac. Come in now before the end of our made to move 2017 clearance event and leave with the perfect cadillac xt5 for your next adventure. Choose a low mileage lease on this xt5 for around 339 per month. 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Give it up for the band right now cheers and applause stephen ladies and gentlemen, if youre new to the show, you may not know this but i am a catholic. But i have a hard time getting to mass sometimes because there isnt a church in my bedroom. laughter and i really miss some of my catholic traditions. The one i miss the most is confessions. So id like to take a moment right now, if you dont mind, to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause stephen standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. Forgive me, audience, i never go to the gym, so i bought a home gym. Now i never go home. laughter im about eight reminders away from considering rescheduling my next dental visit. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes when i wake up from a beautiful dream, i feel a little sad. When i see the car i just rear ended. laughter i dont always drink beer, but when i do, i make up for all the times i dont. laughter audience, i have never pre heated the oven a single second longer than it takes to open a roll of cookie dough. laughter laughter cheers and applause laughter laughter forgive me, audience, i took a much smaller bite in rehearsal. laughter ah if youre hitchhiking and i pick you up, its only because i think i can take you in a knife fight. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i secretly hope i get the flu so my todo list will shrink down to finish bowl of soup. They say theres no wrong way to eat a reeses, but im thinking that a whole bag while youre idling in the driveway is close. laughter sometimes, my hips lie. laughter you know, i never i never tell the flight attendant, but i am not prepared to help out in the emergency exit row. laughter applause what am i supposed to do with the door again . Do i do i ride it down the wing like a surf board . I dont know. Sometimes i write booze into my comedy bits just as an excuse to drink. laughter cheers and applause mmmm. That tastes necessary to the scene. laughter forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with charlie rose. applause get in for lunch now, at olive garden with lunch duos starting at 6. 99 choose your favorite pasta, piadina or sandwich and pair it with all the soup or salad and breadsticks you want get neverending value for lunch at olive garden but when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Zorba the greek by Mikis Theodorakis the allnew Volkswagen Tiguan with available pedestrian monitoring. The new king of the concrete jungle. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thank you, jon i love that song. Thats yours, right . Jon yeah. Stephen i love that. My first guest has made a remarkable career asking important questions on cbs this morning, 60 minutes, and charlie rose. My question is how does he have time to be here . Please welcome charlie rose. cheers and applause i like the football trot. Thats very nice. Nice to see you again. That interview with the boy scouts keeps on giving, doesnt it. Stephen the boy scout thing is extraordinary. Were you a boy scout . I was, indeed, but never an eagle scout. Stephen i was an eagle scout for one day. I cant brag about it. For one day is a big thing. Stephen for one day, yeah. I marched through woods i already knew. You were a South Carolina boy. I was a North Carolina boy. The boy scouts were a big thing. Stephen it was. I wanted to play with my friends. I said cant we play alone without the adults around and then we can set fires without supervision. Its much more fun. Yes. Stephen its sort of extraordinary. Theres sort of a moral heresy, i think, going to children and pouring your political poison in their ears. Its inappropriate, dont you think . Absolutely. It was an interview or piece that kept on giving one possibility to do a joke after another. It was like, im doing this for stephen, not me, is i hope you are listening. Stephen well, if you are listening, sir. Stop. All full, thanks. Well, listen. How are you doing . Since the last time we had you on here you had heart surgery. I did. February. Stephen are they building a bigger, better, indestructible charlie rose. The bionic man. I have two artificial valves and im not sure whats next but im ready. Stephen youre certainly tough as hell. We showed the video at the up front. Get a load of charlie rose i got a brand new ticker, son stephen i say sign me up. Do you know how long it took me to do that . Stephen just incredible. Its incredible. Now, youre known sort of famously as a guy who loves to work. Obviously you have cbs this morning, youve got your pbs show. Reruns on bloomberg. You do 60 minutes. But this year, you were forced to take a break for the surgery. That was hard for you . Well, it was necessary. So, therefore, the doctor said, youve got to do this. I had a week in the hospital. They did the surgery. Stephen thats it, a week . Yeah. Stephen they cracked the ribs . They did, opened if up and went in there and gave me a new valve. A cow valve. Stephen a cow valve. A cow valve, they say bovine. Stephen oh, a cow valve its a cow in you . It is. And another one is a pig. So i have a pig and a cow competing to send blood to my heart. Stephen wow. God, i hope youre not jewish. Not yet. Stephen not yet, okay, youll get there. The idea of work people say, why do you work so hard . Its not work. Its play in a sense.