Much whats going on . Hey, everybody whats going on. Hi, paul. Hi, matt, whats going on. I like it. I like your jackson pollock. Audience Stephen Stephen stephen. Stephen hey, thanks, everybody. Welcome to the late show, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause thats very nice. Ladies and gentlemen, please, have a seat, everybody. Youre too kind. Thanks very much. Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Well today. cheers and applause today, its 13 days after hurricane maria, yet another disaster struck puerto rico donald trump visited the island. laughter but before the president left for sant juan, he gave this objective assessment of his administrations Disaster Relief efforts. In texas and in florida, we get an aplus, and ill tell you what, i think weve done just as good in puerto rico, and its actually a much tougher situation. Stephen you know you cant give yourself an aplus, right . Thats thats not how grades work. I have done an outstanding job this semester. Im saying all as, which is why i am so proud that i just admitted myself to harvard. I cant i just i never even took the s. A. T. S. I never took the s. A. T. S. Dispi just decided i got a 1600 on my s. A. T. S. I just did it. Once he was there in san juan, trump made it clear how much he loves puerto rico. Ive been to puerto rico many times, i think most of you have known, and ive always loved it. And your weather is second to none. But every once in a while, you get hit, and you really got hit, no question about it. Stephen that is trumpsplaining at its best. laughter you probably didnt notice with all your beautiful weather, but you guys got a hurricane. It was a huge one, believe me. You guys knew you were on an island, surrounded by salty water. Big, wet, salty, delicious. Youre not supposed to drink it. Thats just a little tip. And trump addressed the devastation this hurricane caused. To him. I hate to tell you, puerto rico, but youve thrown our budget a little out of what . Stephen what the budget is out of what . Its like a fireman rescuing you from a burning building then saying, do you understand what our water bill is going to be now . Do you know how many sexy calendars were going to have to sell to pay for this . Trump even took time to meet with victims of the hurricane. Although, he could use some help with the small talk. We have a good house, thank god. In the meantime, here you are. Exactly. Exactly. Were going to help you out. Thank you. Have a good time. Stephen have a good time. Youre at a disaster site, not working the floor at your casino you havin fun here . Listen, im gonna comp you a half a gallon drinking water. Enjoy your hurricane. Dont forget to tip your fema worker. cheers and applause now, donald trump applause , of course, trump didnt just go to puerto rico to talk. He also handed out muchneeded supplies in the trumpiest way possible. Here you go. Bon apetit from downtown. Yes, let them eat one more. Let them eat paper towels. After that, he went to a hospital and distributed antibiotics with a tshirt cannon. All right, whos got a fever. Jon a little bit callous. Stephen then, trump also passed out some flashlights, though he wasnt sure why. Flashlights. You dont need them anymore you dont need them anymore stephen you dont need them anymore . 95 of the island doesnt have electricity. You dont need flashlights anymore, because all these news cameras from my poetoop are pointed here at me and im here for the long hall. Gotta go, bye. Two. And trump learned a lesson about Water Purification tablets. So, wait, you put it in dirty water yeah, and then you can drink it after ten to twelve hours. Would you do it . Would you drink it . Sure. Really . Really. Stephen yes. Yes, shed drink it because its the only water she has. Just like shes only talking to you because youre the only president weve got. cheers and applause she doesnt have a choice she wishes the president wasnt so dirty. And trump did take time to thank the First Responders. A lot of people got to see the real coast guard during this incredible trouble. And especially, i think, here, and in texas. Was incredible what they did. So thank you all very much. Thank you very much. We appreciate it, really appreciate it. Would you like to Say Something on behalf of your men and women . Sir, im representing the air force. No, i know that. laughter stephen on. Ye, no, look, look, i know youre the airfare force. I only said coast guard and pointed at you because when you think about it, what is the air but the coast of the sky that you are guarding . Who wants paper towels . Any . Any want there you go. There you go. I dont think he could i think i have more vertical than donald trump. Thats one thing i can say. Who wants some paper towels . Of course, back on the mainland, the country is still reeling from the shooting in las vegas. The official government response has been fine. Has been pro forma. But i do have a beef with one thing that was said yesterday by white house spokesperson Sarah Huckabee sanders, when she was asked about tighter gun laws. Theres a time and place for a political debate, but now is the time to unite as a country. I think that we can have those policy conversations, but today is not that day. Stephen huh, where have i heard that before . The whole guncontrol thing, this is not the time and place to be having that conversation. I dont want to do this gun control discussion right now. Theres a day, place, and a time for all that. Lets wait and have that conversation later. Im more than happy to talk about this in a few days. Right nows not the time. This is not the time to have the discussion. This is not the time for this. Its just not the time to dive into the politics and try to score political points on this topic. Stephen they always say that a gun tragedy is never the right time to talk about stopping the next gun tragedy. Its like your alcoholic uncle wrapping his car around a tree and getting out saying, todays not the day to talk about my drinking okay . Im still drunk right now. Heres to the tree what were we talking about . Who wants to go for a drive . But Congressional Republicans have been working on something kind of disturbing specifically new legislation to make silencers easier to buy because thats the problem with gun violence the noise. The bill is called the sportsmens heritage and recreational enhancement act. Recreational enhancement act . That sounds like a viagra ad. Though if these guys would just take viagra, they wouldnt need so many guns in the first place. cheers and applause youll notice jon yeah, get it away. Stephen youll notice that a sportsmens heritage and recreational enhancement spells out the share act. How disarming. Its like if you named a bill weve got a great show for you tonight. Michael weatherly is here. And when we return, more awkward celebrity teen photos. Stick around. Ive got hungry eyes applebees 2 for 20. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Boy i wish your mom was here. Applebees 2 for 20. Instead of over there. screaming i aint afraid to say it. Go blue ill kick it. She needs this kids. Mom needs this. screaming have some. Just get it done. Reliving the glory days isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. Take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. Behold the power of energizer® ultimate lithium™. Music the 1 longestlasting battery. Are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. Adjusting a tropical mood. We let it transport us. Adventure. We have a fragrance for that. New Glade Plugins car. Crafted by glade. Sc johnson. Heineken is served its world famous. Like me. Come here. Look it happens all the time. Antonio banderas its Antonio Banderas from the movies. Enjoyed in 192 countries. Theres more behind the star. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste stay human and the band right over there. cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. As i said just a moment ago, standing over there, the president was in puerto rico for a little over five hours today, and yet, somehow, theres still a lot of work to be done, and everybody wants to help, obviously. Americans are good people who want to help other americans. Well, i got a parttime gig as the spokesface for ben jerrys americone dream. cheers and applause i love it. I love it. I love it. Look, i ate the whole pint. Theres nothing in there. You can just serve this one again. I give all of my proceeds to charity every year with the Americone Dream Fund. Well, last week, nick kroll was on to plug his new Netflix Series big mouth about the awkwardness of puberty, and he asked me and other celebrities to put up awkward photos, like this one of me. cheers and applause there you go. With the hashtag puberme. I suggested that the Americone Dream Fund could donate 1,000 for every celebrity who did that. I issued that challenge last wednesday, and im happy to say that, unlike my facial hair at age 14, the results have been coming in strong. We got a new stack of photos here for tonight. What have we got here . This is one of my favorite actors from veep. This is a 13yearold version of mr. Tony hale right there. cheers and applause that is never seen had him with hair before. He looks like he just saw the very first victorias secret catalog. laughter okay. Oh, this is one of my favorite people in the world right here. See if you can recognize who this is. That is sam beeat age 13. Yes. cheers an cheers and applaus isnt that amazing . Both men and women look like this in canada at age 13. Her face says teen, but her haircut says, mother of two. laughter oh you know who this is whos that . Jack black. There he is here he is at 12. I think hes 12 right here being depicted as an adorable japanese aipa may character. Only explains the eyes that big. This person, this is amy sedaris, one of my favorite people in the world. applause nothing nothing awkward about it. Coond of adorable. I just love her so much. I have to show that photo. This is this is who is this . Who is this . This is who is this . Who is this . Oh, its thomas middle itch from silicon valley. Wow, thats amazing. Hes he actually looks more gawky and adolescent now in his 40s. Hes the only person who has ever benjamin buttoned backwards into puberty. What have we got here . Oh, this is come oyoull never guess who this is. Weird Al Yanukovych right there. Unbelievable. Hes the only person on earth who could make a coconut and bendystraw combo kind of cool. Heres cutie pie himself, Brad Whitford right there. This is before the invention of the comb. He was hes seen her in midmolt. And this is this is as he calls it himself, this is the nuclear option, what im about to show you. This is the neutron bomb of biewb tee photos. Heres our good friend, john oliver. cheers and applause this is this is, i think this was taken right before he did a 30minute deep dive about why stephanie should go to prom with him. So remember, if you want to help, go to oneamericaappeal. Org. Theres still plenty of time. Theres still plenty of need. Wait, steve, ive got one more photo. cheers and applause neil, good to see you. One more photo. Stephen please, have a seat. Please, have a seat. I dont have anything. I i heard i heard you were looking for. cheers and applause stephen neil, neil, you have something to add to the discussion . I heard you were looking for embarrassing celebrity puberty photos. I just heard. I just heard. Stephen we rits for a good cause, neil. I just happened to be walking by laughter . Stephen just walking through manhattan. Just walking by with one such photo of me mounted on cardstock just coincidentally. Stephen what camera should he show it to . Stephen show it to this one here no, im not going to stephen all right. cheers and applause i gotta say, how old are you . 13. Im 13. Stephen youre 13 years old yeah. Stephen that is prime puberty right there. Im feeling it. Stephen that is neil depube tyson right there. You have a fair amount of you look selfpossessed. You have a lot of confidence in your gaze right there. I was feeling the universe. Stephen it looks like youre the center of the universe in this photograph, neil. Neil, thank you so much for being here. All right. Stephen always happy to have you. Remember, if you want to help, go to oneamericaappeal. Org. Well be right back with Michael Weatherly when i look at you, i look back on my life and i know what it was for. What if i struggled. What if i sacrificed. And what if i swore id succeed. So you could wake up one day with the choice to be anything you wanted. Well then, my great granddaughter. It would all be worth it. With 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. Whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. Nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. And all day all night protection. When it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. Jack this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere . Jack to invite all my friends in the industry to try this. Jack fast foods first ever ribeye burger. Jack made with 100 ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. Jack ahh, here comes the competition now. Jack and of course, since they work for my competitors, ive obscured their identities jack except for this guy. Jack he is so screwed. Jack try my new havarti grilled onion and allamerican ribeye burgers. band playing cheers and applause stephen thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the late show. My first guest spent 13 seasons on ncis and is now dr. Jason bull on bull. Please welcome Michael Weatherly. Hey, there, Michael Weatherly. There you go nice to see you applause whats going on . No, no, no. You first. You first. Age before beauty. You know, im so excited to be here. I just want to if i could, start with something. So and im so glad that we get this moment because i had stephen i always have a good time with you. Dont touch my cards. Dont touch my cards. This is exactly how the dreams started stephen did you say you had a dream about me . Yes. Stephen this is a family show. What are you about to tell me . Cbs, cbs. It was important and my wife thought it was important i tell you. Stephen you told your wife about this dream. Some things you have to tell your wife and its the kind of marriage we have. Stephen i want to point out. Im not your wife. You dont have to tell me. laughter . So we i came in my dream i came on your show. Stephen in your dream, you came, in your dream, about me. cheers and applause just these are just jokes, folks. These are wet dream job s. Stephen go ahead, yeah. Stephen im flattered. Flattered, frankly. So in my dreernlg im sitting here with you and its its not going well. So stephen not possible. Not possible with a Michael Weatherly no, youre and youre struggling with me. Youre, like, trying to help me. Stephen im struggling . With me. Because im a disaster. And in my dream, you turn to the audience, and you go, can we just take a break . laughter and then you turn to me and said, serving okay . And i said, well, im a little tired. And youre like, i can tell laughter so you took me off to the corner, and you said, excuse us. And everyone, you know, said, stephen, thank you. I went over there, and we talked about stuff life, marriage. You know hows everything going . Got to balance the work and the life. Got to make sure you take care of yourself or what kind of father are you going to be to your children . I said, i feel better, stephen. You said lets go do this. We did the interview, and it was fantastic. And i woke up and i said, Stephen Colbert just fixed me. Stephen work wow. applause . Stephen come with me . Come woow me . Can we take a break. Come with me for a second. No, no, come with me. Okay. All right. Michael, it is not appropriate to talk about your dreams on a talk show. laughter okay, were going to go back over there. Are you okay . Im good. I just thought it was a funny little bit stephen system t. S. A. , it is, it is, but everyones really uncomfortable right now . Laugh. Im so sorry. Should i flings. Stephen no, never apologize. Theyre like piranha. Theyll turn on you in a minute. So convey confidence. Stephen youre a fragile creature, youre in show business, youre a little boy, and you need love at all times. cheers and applause so how you been . laughter . Ive been terrific, stephen. How have you been . Stephen now, listen you were you ever in puberty . Yes. I i went through a john denver sort of phase that just ended, really. Stephen is this you . That is me. I borrowed john olivers glasses. cheers and applause stephen that is really sex, man. I got the bieber, john Denver Stephen dorothy hamill. Theres actually theres actually theres pictures of Hillary Clinton that look a lot like this, actually, when she was at yale. Stephen oh, yes, yes, ive seen those photos. Ive seen those photos thats what i was shooting for. Very few people were hillary fans in 83, but i was one of those. Stephen you look like a 12yearold firstyear law student there. I understand when you were a kid, your dad sold i would love this. If i was a 12yearold boy your dad sold swiss army knives. Yes, that is true. My father of an importer of Swiss Army Knife from 1973 about to the late 80s. Stephen thats when there was only one. The Swiss Army Knife and that was it. You had to get it from switzerla