A good chance you will. Dawn of the bill, rated r for really, this thing again . Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jeff bridges. Senator jeff flake. And musical guest miguel. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, whats going on hey, everybody. Please have a seat, ladies and gentlemen. Youre too kind. Welcome. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause folks, this week this week, those of you who watch the news, this week in washington, d. C. , the thinkable happened. Republicans are trying to repeal and replace obamacare, again. This is beyond beating a dead horse. This is getting damn close to beastiality, okay. I hope that horse has a safe word. Pumpkin patch is what i recommend. You might remember, back in july, republicans tried a plan called the better care reconciliation act. It would have cut medicaid, increased premiums, and left millions uninsured. Whereas, this new bill has a different name. This ones called the Graham Cassidy bill. And south dakota senator john thune paid one of its authors the ultimate compliment, saying, i just told bill cassidy hes kind of the grave robber. This thing was six feet under, and i think hes revived it. Actually this is interesting grave robbing is a big part of the new plan. You know, get yourself a new hip or some dentures, or Something Like that. It offers complete shovel coverage. But the g. O. P. Needs to move fast because, due to senate rules that i refuse to learn theyre facing a september 30 deadline. Its a race against the clock. Theyve got ten days to overhaul the Healthcare System, or everybody lives. laughter in fact cheers and applause jon they all lived. Im ready to live. Im ready. Stephen so, thank you. Were all gonna die in fact, this is being done in such a rush that the Congressional Budget Office wont estimate the full effects of Obamacare Repeal until after the vote deadline. Well, that there is just good health care. Like when you go to the Doctors Office and he says, mr. Smith, we wont have your test results for a week, but in the meantime, just start munching on that bowl of pills over there. Now its a complex bill that reworks, i think it is, one sixth, onesixth of the Worlds Largest economy. So before the vote, republicans have set aside 90 seconds of debate. In other words, theyre going to repeal obamacare in roughly the amount of time it takes to microwave a burrito. Both will kill you. laughter now, theres a little wrinkle getting this done toot suite, including the 10 days that are left to vote are, three jewish holy days, which the senate has off. But that doesnt bother senator Lindsey Graham, who said, i want to honor every religions holiday. But then added, harry reid had a vote on obamacare on christmas eve. That doesnt even make sense, because christmas is the sacred story of how a woman gave birth in a barn with no healthcare, and it was fine. Worked out great cheers and applause perfect perfect now, heres how the plan works. The plan takes the money from obamacares Medicaid Expansion that 31 states opted into about five years ago, or something. And turns that into a pool that gets redivided into block grants to all the states whether they opted in five years ago or not. So that means states like my home state of new york loses a lot of money, while my home state of South Carolina would get a lot of money. So half of me is totally on board with this. The bills sponsor, lindsay graham, explains it this way i like massachusetts. I like maryland. I like new york. I like california. But i dont like them that much to give them a bunch of money that the rest of us wont get. Stephen plus, you know theyre just going to spend it on lattes and npr and gay cakes. cheers and applause the cake is gay, right . Jon right, Something Like that. Stephen for a gay wedding, the cake itself has to be gay. Thats the complaint, isnt it . laughter all right. Well, heres will deal, you know who cares a lot about obamacare . Obama. Remember that guy . Remember obama . cheers and applause jon great guy. Really tall. Stephen what . Jon really tall. Stephen very tall, very tall. Thats what hes known for. Hes so tall. And heres what obama said today this is something i always had to emphasize to my staff when i was president better is good. laughter you laugh, but sometimes people forget that. I will take better every time. So thats whats needed today. Stephen i miss you. laughter applause cheers but just for my own self here, jimmy, can we put that picture of him back up . Look how gray hes gotten, now. Thats how bad donald trump is obamas aging faster watching someone else be president. laughter and applause obama knows himcare isnt and obama is somewhat passionate about this. When i see people trying to undo that hardwon progress for the 50th or 60th time with bills that would raise costs or reduce coverage or roll back protections for Older Americans or people with preexisting conditions, it is aggravating. Stephen sir, i know youre famously evenkeeled, but americans are more than aggravated. Im pouring bourbon on my breakfast, and my breakfast is scotch. laughter applause but trump economic adviser Stephen Moore explained whats driving the latest republican push to repeal obamacare people want insurance for their own families, not for other peoples families. What a compassionate vision. Its all summed up in his new line of greeting cards happy birthday, grandma. If we werent related, id leave you to die. Based on a true story. Funny, because its true. But if you also want insurance that covers only your family, well, folks, theres a Company Ready to help. It was hard finding insurance that covered only my family. Luckily, winnacker insurance does just that. Winnacker insurance, insurance for just the winnacker family of ohio and no one else. Its built on the idea that im a winnacker, and we deserve health care. Others might too, but i dont know. Its not my problem. And winnacker is only 20 a month. Unless youre sick, then it could be thousands of dollars. With a risk pool of only three people, and our dog, champers, prices can get volatile. But i cant imagine being sick because im healthy now. And now isnt the future. Its now. I love now. Winnacker insurance, because only you matter. Everyone else is probably just a hologram. cheers and applause jon right in the heart. Right in heart. Stephen right somewhere, somewhere gets me somewhere. Well, the u. N. Is in town this week. You can tell because the time square elmos are harassing people in other languages. And today, donald trump hosted a lunch for african leaders. Im greatly honored to host this lunch, to be joined by the leaders of coote divoire, ethiopia, ghana, guinea, nambia. Nambias Health System is increasingly selfsufficient. Stephen now, there is no such country as nambia. laughter despite that, they will soon have a better Healthcare System than we do. laughter cheers and applause i might move to nambia. I hear very good things. Jon i never heard of that. Stephen i might go to nambia. He went on to praise the african republicans of nambla, wango tango, and wakanda. We must secure our supplies of vibranium. I want to thank Prime Minister chaka khan, thank you so much for being here. So wonderful. Of course, everyones still talking about his big speech to the u. N. Yesterday. And republicans loved it. Lets see how chief of staff john kelly felt. Here he is listening to trump. laughter cheers and applause that is the happiest he has looked since he took the job. Im sorry, general, but when you open your eyes, hes still going to be there. Of course, the main focus of trumps speech was north korea which was also the focus of his traditional postspeech twitter rant. The American Flag emoji has great strength and patience, but if it is forced to defend itself or its allies, we will have no choice but to totally destroy noko. Noko . Jon noko. Stephen noko. That really makes north korea sound leak a gentrified neighborhood. Have you been to noko . Theyve got a whole foods now, in that they have one whole food. I think its a bell pepper. And today thats a big pepper. Jon thats a big old pepper. Stephen and today, the u. N. Got a visit from first lady, melania trump, who spoke passionately about the dangers of bullying. We must teach each child the values of empathy and communication that are at the core of the kindness, mindfulness, integrity, and leadership, which can only be taught by example. Stephen yes, i couldnt agree more kindness, mindfulness, integrity, teaching by example. Quick question have you met your husband . laughter cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Jeff bridges is here. But when we return, possibly the Worst Campaign ad ever, and the president weighs in on the emmys. Stick around. You know whats better than getting the best price for unlimited from sprint . Getting the best price for unlimited and a great deal on a new Samsung Galaxy s8. Switch to sprint and get unlimited, plus hd streaming 10gb of mobile hotspot for 20 dollars per month, per line for five lines. Plus, for a limited time save 50 percent instantly on the galaxy s8. And with galaxy forever, you can upgrade to the latest galaxy any time. Yep get the best price for unlimited, and save 50 percent instantly on a galaxy s8. For people with hearing loss, only at sprint. Works for me. Visit sprintrelay. Com. Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Ill have the langoustine lfor you, sir . I. The original call was for langoustine ravioli. A langoustine is a tiny kind of lobster. A slight shellfish allergy rules that out, plus my wife ordered the langoustine. I will have chicken tenders and tater tots. If youre a ref, you way overexplain things. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance you switch to geico. Sir, we dont have tater tots. Its what you do. I will have nachos without pg es assistance, without their training our collaboration with pg e is centered around public safety. We could not do our mission to keep our Community Safe. Anytime we are responding to a structure fire, one of the first calls you make is for pg e for gas and electric safety. Its my job to make sure that they have the training that they need to make the scene safe for themselves and for the public. Its handson training actually turning valves, turning systems off, looking at different wire systems all that training is crucial to keeping our Community Safe and our firefighters safe. Together, were building a better california. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, right over there. Right there. Isnt this a lovely crowd . Jon yeah. Stephen isnt this just an amazing crowd . You people are absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much. cheers and applause the energy is exactly what you want. And you know please, have a seat. And its good to be with friend like these right now. Because these are dark times. These are times that try mens souls right now, especially for the people of puerto rico, who took a direct hit from Hurricane Maria over the last 24 hours. That entire island is without power. So, i hope everyone down there, all those american citizens, are safe. But i know that cant be the case. The same goes for the people of mexico city, who suffered a 7. 1 magnitude earthquake yesterday. So if youre looking to help, go to www. Colbertlateshow. Com. Weve got some suggestions of where you can donate. Now, donald trump, i have to say, has been pretty good about responding during these disasters over the last several weeks. Last night he tweeted god bless the people of mexico city. We are with you and will be there for you. Puerto rico being hit hard by new monster hurricane. Be careful, our hearts are with you will be there to help that is a strong and president ial response, that lasted for about 18 minutes, because then he tweeted about something that truly seemed to upset him i was saddened to see how bad the ratings were on the emmys last night the worst ever. Smartest people of them all are the deplorables. now, wait a second. That cant be right. Worst ratings of all . That cant be right. I swear i heard someone at the emmys say they were the highest rated ever. I guess. I guess. cheers and applause i find this hard to believe jon i remember seeing it. Stephen heres the thing, this is not something to be sad about. Im not even sad about it, and i was the host of the emmys. But i do want to point out cheers and applause i do want to point out that every single part of that tweet was factually inaccurate. The emmys werent last night from when he tweeted it. They were sunday night. I checked the tv schedule, and he must have been watching ncis new orleans. So sad about whats going on in new orleans. So many naval crimes. Strengthen our military. And it wasnt the worstrated emmys, because according to the nielsen ratings, 11. 4 Million People watched it, slightly more than last years lowestever audience of 11. 3 million. Thats right we had the second worst ratings of all time. In your face we suck less we suck less we suck less we suck less thank you. Id like that crocheted on a pillow, thank you. Speaking of sucking, the 2018 midterms are starting to heat up already. For instance, heres an example virginias 10th is up for grabs between incumbent republican congresswoman and lady whos seriously gonna lose it if you dont start using a coaster, barbara comstock; and democrat challenger and man introducing his tree to his parents, dan helmer. Now, helmer is a west point grad, army veteran, and successful businessman; and hes running in a purple district, so this is a race he can actually win, unless anyone sees his new campaign ad. Jim . Hey, dan, isnt that congresswoman comstock back there at the bar . Sure is. Bet you cant get her to hold a town hall. Town hall . I can do you one better than that. Weve lost that lovin feeling. No, dan. clears throat you never hold town halls anymore with constituents planned parenthood and obamacare you voted against youre trying hard not to show it but barbara, barbara you know it youve lost that centrist feeling cause youve been right wing appealing laughter stephen okay, thats enough, jimmy no one knows how that ad ends, because thats the farthest anyone has ever made it. laughter i assume it ends with congratulations, congresswoman barbara comstock. But maybe its just me. Maybe other people like it. Chief of staff john kelly, what did you think of the ad . Well be right back with jeff bridges. Stick around. Simon and garfunkel ] the volkswagen atlas. With available pedestrian monitoring. Lifes as big as you make it. All smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. [hello moto] can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats an edgetoedge screen. Can your phone get loud with an alexa you can take anywhere . Alexa, turn it up. And alexa, add a moto z to my cart. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Get a free projector mod when you buy a moto z. Available across all major carriers. Im living that yacht life, life, life top speed fifty knots life on the caribbean seas its a champagne and models potpourri on my yacht made of cuban mahogany, gany, gany, gany watch this dont get mad bell mnemonic get e trade and get invested school. I think its time we mixed things up. Oh yeah, in your face and in conclusion, cats. Four flavors, four shapes. Cheetos xtra cheesy mixups. Jack this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere . Jack to invite all my friends in the industry to try this. Jack fast foods first ever ribeye burger. Jack made with 100 ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. Jack ahh, here comes the competition now. Jack and of course, since they work for my competitors, ive obscured their identities jack except for this guy. Jack he is so screwed. Jack try my new havarti grilled onion and allamerican ribeye burgers. applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Thanks so much, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an Academy Award winning actor, musician, artist, and philosopher who now stars in kingsman the Golden Circle. At what point are you going to start behaving like a statesman . You going to go back to being a rodeo clown . No, sir. I am not, sir. Im champagne, but anyone who knows whats good for them, calls me champ. Stephen please welcome the dude himself, jeff bridges. cheers and applause band playing sir. Nice to meet you. Come on up cheers and applause it is its lovely to see you. Its always good to be here with you, stephen. Stephen i think one of the first times we ever had a chance to talk on the old gig, we talked backstage afterwards, which was a joy for me. And i said, i just get relaxed looking at you. Youre a notoriously chill dude, if youll pardon the expression. Well, thats good, yeah. Stephen how do you how do you remain chill in 2017 . Because this might be the least chill year of my lifetime. Its so weird, isnt it, my god stephen everybody is so tense. Well, you know, im just taking the weirdness, and im kind of working with it. You know im stephen youre working the weird . Im inspired to engage, you know, because the impulse is to throw up your hands. You know stephen withdraw. Just, you know, be cynical about the whole thing come on, its so damn stephen you cant be. Cynicism takes you away from love. There you go. Stephen yeah. So i try to create the kind of world that i want to live in, i want my kid to live in. And i, you know, start, you know, call to action kind of. Thats how im taking it. Stephen do you do any exercises . Like, youre a spiritual person, i think, a philosophical person. I meditate a little bit. Stephen do you have any spiritual exercises you can share . Well, i heard do you have a hunk of clay