One brain leaves first question what is the name of the invisible force that holds us to the earth . President trump . Frankly, people still dont know all of the facts. No, we do know the facts. Weve known since the 1700s. Secretary tillerson, your answer . Im not going to deal with petty stuff like that. I wouldnt call it petty. Its the cornerstone of all physics. Back to you, president trump. When i make a statement, i like to be correct. I dont blame you, but you havent yet made one. Gentlemen, lets go over the rules. In order for us to assess your intelligence, you need to at least attempt to answer the question secretary tillerson, your answer . I have answered that question repeatedly. No, no, you havent. Please, take a guess. I do not, and i will not operate that way. Both are morons but more importantly, were all screwed both are morons were all screwed announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, russias secret pokemon play. Plus, stephen welcomes conan obrien. And tig notaro. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hey how are you . Hey, everybody thank you. Just a little sweep right there. Hey, everybody thanks so much. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is cheers and applause you cant you cant ask for a better friday crowd than that. You cant. cheers and applause thats the Gold Standard. piano riff thats the Gold Standard of a friday crowd. cheers and applause thats it. Well, ladies and gentlemen, on this lovely friday, ive got some good news and bad news for fans of pokemon go. The good news is, you can stop now. Its 2017. laughter weve moved on to fidget spinners and avocado toast, and then forgotten those, too. The bad news is it was just reported that even pokemon go was used by the russianlinked, electionmeddling effort. We shouldve seen this coming. No, we should have seen this coming, ladies and gentlemen. After all, a squirtle isnt just a pokemon. Its also what trump requested in that Russian Hotel room. cheers and applause i could barely get that out. My tongue wouldnt let me. My tongue did not want me to say that joke. Jon wow, wow stephen squirtle. But, apparently jon squirtle, squirtle. Stephen russians posing as part of a black lives matter group used pokemon go to exploit racial tensions and sow discord among americans. So yet another Online Institution has been violated by russia. If only there was someone who couldve warned us how important this was. I dont know who created pokemon go, but id try to figure out how we get them to have pokemon go to the polls stephen so they hacked her, too. laughter if only shed pokemon gone to michigan and wisconsin. cheers and applause piano riff and who knows wisconsin fans. Midwestern fans michigan, wisconsin who knows how this whole russia thing is going to play out, but im hoping Robert Mueller is going to catch em all. cheers and applause of course, so much happened this week. Trump repealed part of obamacare, he talked about pulling out of nafta and the iran deal. Plus, he threatened to start a thermonuclear war with nbc news. So, you may have missed a some ranging interview trump gave on fox news. He started the interview by ripping the media. Media is bad. They are really dishonest people. When youre the one thats being written about, you know, if its good or bad, and its always they try and make it negative. So the media has turned out i call it fake media. Stephen no, you dont you call it fake news. laughter thats your catchphrase, and youve already forgotten it . Like i always said on the apprentice, meatloaf, you are the weakest link. laughter you and because he would say youre fired. And it wasnt just domestic issues. Trump also touched on our tense relationship with iran. Iran are great people, and they want freedom, and they want to be sort of friendly with us. I really believe that. But they are dancing in the streets, and they are singing death to america. Stephen wait, do they want us dead or are they friendly . You cant have it both ways. laughter hey, cheryl, youre doing great down in accounts receivable. Also, death to cheryl. laughter it was also jon wow. Stephen im sure cheryl seems nice. I dont know why i said cheryl. Anyone named cheryl out there, we just picked that name out of a hat. laughter it was also clear that trump is still obsessed with the 2016 election. Winning the Electoral College is so easy for a democrat. To win the Electoral College for a democrat is almost like a given. The Electoral College, i never appreciated. I would rather have a popular vote. For me, the popular vote is easier. Stephen hey, we can go by the popular vote if you want. cheers and applause i could think of a few Million People who would be cool im okay with that. You okay . Jon im cool with that. You want to do that . Lets do that. Lets do that. Stephen then trump had big news about his border wall. Right now weve built five prototypes. They just are going up. Some of them are all ready finished. I will say, they are really looking good. They are really looking good. Stephen really, really looking good. Im just saying, if they werent my wall, perhaps id be dating them. Really. But it is true this part is true. He has started building prototypes for the border wall. Right now, theyre out in san diego. There they are. Theres a Helicopter Shot of them. Though, if you look carefully, there is a flaw immigrants can just run right through those gaps right there. laughter okay . But i think using all these different samples, i think this might be part of a larger plan, a master plan, okay . He cant get mexico to pay for it, but if he gets enough companies to build samples, boom free wall. laughter same way i tiled my bathroom. piano riff applause so lets take a look i have the photos of the samples right here. Lets take a look at these potential border walls. First up, we have the venetian. laughter this delightful open concept for a closed border. Seethrew means that immigrants can see a better life, but they cant touch it. laughter next, say hello to the continental. A bit of a drab slab, but meticulous detailing. Just look at the decorative fringe of bespoke razor spikes. Fun feature it keeps people out, but also makes the country seem like a prison from the inside. Its a twofer finally, theres the most popular model, the monolith 30 feet of pure, reinforced concrete. This model is the apotheosis of brutalist architecture paired with the timeless tradition of fearing brown people. Enjoy. Jon ooooh stephen and i didnt build it im not in favor of the idea. You know, its been a rough week for facebook. Mark zuckerberg just had to apologize for whats being called a tonedeaf virtual trip to puerto rico. Heres what happened it started innocently enough, when zuckerberg was launching a promotion of their facebook spaces Virtual Reality feature. All right. Hi, everyone. We are live in Virtual Reality. We are in facebook spaces. And i am here with rachael. Hi, everybody stephen amazing. That avatar is actually less awkward than the real mark zuckerberg. laughter its fun, its cool. All they had to do was not use a tragedy to promote it. All right. So now we are in a 360 video in puerto rico. Stephen what . You dont go to a disaster zone to push your product the new dyson vacuum uses the same cyclonic action that the tornado that just destroyed this town with. That didnt that did not stop applause no, thank you. Thats all right. Thats all right. We want me to show you pictures of the wall again . That did not stop zuckerberg from being impressed. One of the things thats really magical about Virtual Reality is you can get the feeling that youre really in a place. Stephen its true. With this product, it really felt like facebook was up its own ass. laughter jon oh stephen wow its so realistic oh, look, look theres the exact spot where we pulled this idea from weve got a great show for you tonight conan obrien is here tig notaro, here stick around, wont you feel the power of thenew power. Smax. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. Gives skin the moisture it needs and keeps it there longer with lockin Moisture Technology skin is petal smooth after all, a cleansers just a cleanser unless its olay. [ [ all ] by simon anbees funkel ] [ all ] bees the volkswagen atlas. With easyaccess 3rd row. Lifes as big as you make it. Whget more bang for your buck with 15 kohls cash for every 50 spent earn it on everything even our biggest brands all week long the more you shop the more kohls cash youll get no limit so when you give joy, you get joy all this week only at kohls. Jack this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere . Jack to invite all my friends in the industry to try this. Jack fast foods first ever ribeye burger. Jack made with 100 ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. Jack ahh, here comes the competition now. Jack and of course, since they work for my competitors, ive obscured their identities jack except for this guy. Jack he is so screwed. Jack try my new havarti grilled onion and allamerican ribeye burgers. applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is currently the longest serving latenight host on tv. Hes the old man in the mountain. Hes the mandarin without melanin. Please welcome conan obrien cheers and applause cheers and applause thank you very much thank you so much everybody have a seat cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers stephen welcome back. Welcome back to the ed sullivan theater. Thank you. cheers and applause thank you very much. Please, sir, youve been drinking. laughter stephen last time you were here you were with dave. Thats right, david letterman. Stephen i remember, yeah. It was a couple of years ago. First of all, i want to congratulate you. Youre doing an amazing job. This guy is doing a great job. cheers and applause stephen oh, thanks very much. I mean that from my heart. I never miss a show. I caught tuesdays show, tracee ellis ross, i think it was. Stephen yes, thanks, thanks, yeah. You know, its funny that night, and i dont know why, i was thinking about you. laughter i knew it stephen yeah, i didnt say anything to anybody, but in here. I was watching the tv so hard that night. laughter and i could see i was getting into your head stephen yeah. And i was all the way back in l. A. stephen wow. Where i was on tuesday. laughter stephen exactly. You know. Talk about this with tig notaro, my next guest tonight. Talk with this about her. She wants to talk to you, i heard. Yeah, i saw her backstage. Shes the next one on. Stephen yeah. By the way, i know youre a fan of daves. Im a huge fan of daves. This is dave letterman, again, right. Stephen david letterman. Also, dave, the guy from wendys. Yes wendys has the best burger. Stephen theyre square. David letterman. We all grew up revering david letterman. Stephen of course, dave is the best. You wrote a lovely tribute to him in e. W. Right before he left as he was departing this stage, i wanted to write an appreciation piece, and so i wrote a piece about dave stephen did you ever hear from him . Did he ever say, thanks for that . Did he talk to you after i did hear from him, yes. I did hear from him. What happened was i wrote this nice appreciation piece for dave and i just said how much he meant to me and to all the comedians of my generation. And then word came back that dave appreciated what i had written, and that hed be sending me something my way. And i was like, this is i mean stephen sure. I was excited and i thought this is going to be an amazing bottle of wine, chocolates, hummel figurines that are hard to find, something really extraordinary, i was looking forward to it. But i thought this will be cool. So its the next day, and its an hour before the show. I can talk to you because youre a fellow host. Stephen sure. An hour before the show, youre concentrating, youre getting ready stephen yeah, a pressure cooker. Your body is being waxed, oiled stephen youre being lowered into the suit. Yeah, exactly. And the wardrobe guy, stop eating laughter and i hear theres a truck thats trying to get on to the Warner Brothers lot in los angeles and is having a hard time getting on the lot. And i said, what do you mean . They said, its too wide. The truck is so big it cant get on the lot and its carrying the gift from dave. My mind starts to go nuts. Because you and i, weve done well. But weve done okay. This guy stephen its dave. Its dave he owns the entire state of montana, you know. laughter stephen oh, yeah. He had the whole thing waxed. He has hes a very wealthy man and hes got, you know, his fingers in every pot, if thats even an expression stephen its not. Its not. That was terrible. Im sorry. Stephen unless the pot has pie in it. Its tuesday. Its early in the week and i have trouble its wednesday. Stephen its friday. Well fix that. Its friday. laughter applause no you dont edit that out you keep that in thats the magic laughter youve got to learn, colbert laughter stephen so, the truck cant get on the lot. Hes getting me back on track. All right. Truck cant get on the lot, and im going crazy. Because this is like, hes a car guy. This guy has porsches. Im thinking hes giving me a vintage porsche. Stephen sure. My mind went there. This is amazing. Im going to have to get the crazy leather gloves. Then they tell me its here, and its ready. I walk downstairs outside my stage. The truck is unloaded. Two cowboys in full chaps, cowboy hats, holding the biggest, most beautiful horse horse horse laughter i have ever seen. cheers and applause stephen do you ride horses . No i dont ride horses and heres the thing, they hand me a lovely note from dave. They say goodbye, and they leave. Look at my expression after theyve left look at the expression on my face. laughter applause thats a man who doesnt know what to do with a horse. Turns out, i look into it. You got to feed him. Youve got to board them. Youve got to treat them humanely. Everyone i tell says, its from david letterman. And guess what the horses name is . Dave thank you laughter stephen was it really dave, or was it a j . Yes, the horses really name is dave. Stephen does it answer to he searched all of the world for a horse named dave narcissism, maybe, and so then stephen do you have a farm . No, i dont have a farm laughter stephen, you know me. I dont have a farm. Stephen ive never been invited i barely have a house. Stephen ive never been invited to your house. Ive invested very poorly. laughter insanity i have to room it. I have to board it. Then i said, you know what . Dave gave me a horse. Im going to learn how to ride it. I go to the place where i spent a lot of money to learn how to ride it. I go to get on and they said, i wouldnt get on that horse if i were you. I said, why not . They said, that horse is crazy. laughter not kidding this is all 100 true. They said that horse is so crazy, its thrown two people who have tried to ride it. If that horse is going to stay here you have to get a letter, a legal letter, drawn up by a lawyer, an expensive horse lawyer, that will indemnify you in case the horse injures anybody. So i do that, and that costs a lot of money. At this point one of my children is not being schooled this costs so much. Stephen sure. It was the boy. It wasnt going to work out anyway. laughter hes good with his hands. laughter the thing is, they say i say to the guy, like, this horse probably getting kind of old, though, right . He went, oh, no this is a young horse. Its going to live a long time laughter im going insane. I dont know what to do. Its drain it costs a fortune, and i have the horse for two years. Finally, my wife cracks it, god bless her. She found a place and this is not a joke. I have the real website, where the horse can live its an Equine Massage Center where this is real. Think four seasons resort for horse. We donated the horse. And what happens is students massage the horse all day long so it learns so they learn how to massage a horse. And so stephen but its an insane horse. Its an insane horse, but no one is riding it. Its getting massaged all day long. If i was the horse, i would be suspicious thinking, theyre tenderizing me. laughter but no, massaged all day long. The horse is in heaven. This is a real picture of dave the horse at the massage center, has met and fallen in love with another horse coincidentally named charlie rose. laughter thats a true story stephen wow, wow that is a true story. laughter i learned then stephen i dont i dont care if its true or not. I enjoyed it so much. I know. I learned then that dave was a genius, but hes an evil genius. He knew exactly what he was doing. He knew exactly what he was doing. Stephen sighs okay. You going to be all right . Its all going to be good. Stephen no, i feel very good. Is this mine . Wheres mine . Stephen thats yours right there. No, this is like a vacation. I asked you one question and were laughter how many minutes were nine minutes in to your answer. laughter when you get a guest like you, how excited are you when you get a guest like you. Youre like, i dont have to do anything. I dont have to do anything. I dont get guests like me. laughter cheers and applause stephen you both complimented yourself and insulted your show. I complimented myself i complimented myself while putting down my show, and then waved to a crowd. That was the triple that was the trifecta right there. Thats rarely been done. Stephen weve got to take a little break. Stick around, well be right back with more conan obrien. cheers and applause back with more conan obrien. cheers and applause ou guess what i just got . Uh i used to be spellbound hello again. I used to be spellbound hi. I used to be spellbound thats a big phone. In your arms. [screams] ah, my phone. You built the flame that warms my heart, but lying and cheating has torn us apart and im moving on. Little girl and boy land while you dwell within it you are ever happy there daddy, its christmas childhoods joy land never let go of your dreams. The mercedesbenz winter event is back. Lease the glc300 for 449 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. She pretty much lives in her favorite princess dress. But once a week i let her play sheriff so i can wash it. I use tide to get out those week old stains and downy to get it fres