The twins from the shining. Buy them today while theres a full moon announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, danger at the day care. Plus, stephen welcomes jake tapper, shemar moore, and musical guest khalid. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, whats going on welcome. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Youre very nice. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Well, i dont know if youre paying attention, but internal strife is tearing the Republican Party apart at the seams. Its like a new civil war, only this time, neither side is trying to help black people. laughter the latest shots from fort trumpter are against tennessee senator and man seeing his daughters neck tattoo for the first time, bob corker. Corker and trump have been fighting, head to head like two rams, for a while now. You might recall that corker called the white house, an adult daycare center. Okay, clever. Not entirely accurate. With trump, you also need a night shift. laughter all right . He gets into things. laughter and applause hes like a raccoon hes like a raccoon laughter and applause i dont know if raccoons do that, but im going to do that. So, i figured it was time to give them their own segment on this show, which i wanted to call, cork a sock in it. But i have a team of talented comedy writers, and i knew we could do better than that. So we all gathered in a room today, put on a pot of coffee, and brainstormed for hours. And now, late show viewers, i present to you our newest segment. Cork a sock in it cheers and applause thats the best we could come up with. Turns out, i get to do whatever i want. Its my show. The latest feud between these two started bright and early today when corker went on all the morning shows to criticize donald trump. And trump was watching, because he immediately tweeted, bob corker, who helped president o. Give us the bad iran deal and couldnt get elected dog catcher in tennessee, is now fighting tax cuts, dot, dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot, corker dropped out of the race in tennesse when i refused to endorse him, and now is only negative on anything trump. Look at his record cheers and applause really . Really . Tennesse. Tennesse . laughter quick tip when youre ripping a politician, it helps to spell the name of their state right. I dont like joe haunted manchin. He will never get reelected by the good people of west vagina. laughter cheers and applause doesnt have the same ring. Its not going to help. Jon you have to spell it right stephen yes. Almost heaven west vagina thats really hard to sing. That would have been a hit though. I bet that would have been a hit. We miss you. Now, some of what trump said about corker was not true. Specifically, all of it. And corker pointed that out same untruths from an utterly untruthful president. Alertthedaycarestaff. cheers and applause jon wow stephen yeah. Then trump immediately tweeted back, isnt it sad that lightweight senator bob corker, who couldnt get reelected in the great state of tennessee, will now fight tax cuts plus. What is tax cuts plus . That sounds like tax cuts for husky boys. Hell grow into it. Now, trump tweettinued, senator corker is the incompetent head of the Foreign Relations committee, and look how poorly the u. S. Has done. He doesnt have a clue as dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, the entire world was laughing and taking advantage of us. People like Liddle Bob Corker have set the u. S. Way back. Now we move forward yes, now america is moving forward, just like thelma and louise. cheers and applause yeah just holding hands, just holding hands. And, jim, can i see part of that tweet again . Liddle liddle, and then an apostrophe . Thats not how apostrophes work. To use an apostrophe, somethings got to be missing, other than brain cells. In fact. cheers and applause you cant use apostrophes like my guess heres my guess. My guess is the president thinks apostrophes is a greek philosopher. I love the works of apostrophes. Hes better than parentheses. I love, i love playdoh. And, and a side of tzatziki. Absolutely. Now, trump came over for lunch, today . He went over the senate today. Trump went over the senate for lunch today. But corker didnt think much would get done. I do look at these things as more of a, you know, photo op. Theyre not really about substance. But, you know, more power to him. Stephen no, less power to him cheers and applause you already made him the most powerful man in the world, because you helped get him elected but you know what . Corker, even though he campaigned for trump, he might he might regret supporting trump. Lets find out. Do you regret supporting him in the election . Lets just put it this way i would not do that again. cheers and applause stephen he would not do it again. Lets just put it this way too late, senator. And corkers not alone. This afternoon, we got some huge news from oneterm arizona senator and upright golden retriever, jeff flake. I am announcing today that my service in the senate will conclude at the end of my term in early january 2019. Mr. President , i rise today to say, enough. I must say that we have fooled ourselves for long enough, that a pivot to governing is right around the corner. A return to civility and stability, right behind it. We know better than that. Mr. President , i will not be complicit or silent. Stephen no, i will be complicit and absent. Now, flake has been an outspoken critic of the president for a while, but today he really unloaded. Despotism loves a vacuum, and our allies are now looking elsewhere for leadership. Anger and resentment are not a governing philosophy. Alliances and agreements that ensure the stability of the entire world are routinely threatened by the level of thought that goes into 140 characters. Stephen now, hold on. Youre acting like all donald trump does is go on twitter to threaten global stability. He also threatens football players. laughter now, flake said yes. cheers and applause i will stand up for this. Flake said that we dont just owe it to ourselves to oppose trump. We also owe it to our children. It is often said that children are watching. Well, they are. And what are we going to do about that . When the next generation asks us, why didnt you do something . Why didnt you speak up . What are we going to say . Stephen well, i think in the future, jeff flake will say, i waited until i was quitting my job to point out the boss was a lunatic. Now, sit down and eat your radioactive dog meat. Now theyre listening. Theyre listening cheers and applause jon come on, fido, ruff stephen but senator flake sees a light at the end of the tunnel, not just for him, but for all of us. This spell will eventually break. That is my belief. We will return to ourselves once more, and i say, the sooner the better. Stephen oh, thats what this is. Were all under a spell. Its all detailed in the new book, harry potter and the halfwit prez. cheers and applause but cheers and applause expello trumpum first mccain, then corker, now flake. Why is it that republicans only speak up against donald trump when they know theyre not running for reelection . They finally grow a set, and then they say, im taking my balls and going home and. piano riff and. piano boom laughter better. Speaking of overgrown children bill oreilly. laughter it came out this weekend that oreilly settled a sixth Sexual Harassment claim, paying 32 million to a longtime fox news analyst for, among other things, allegedly sending her gay pornography. But because it was from bill oreilly, all of those gay porn stars said Merry Christmas before coming down your chimney. laughter now, this because theyre santa theyre santa laughter and applause thats what santa does. Now, this revelation likely means the end of bill oreillys tv career. And yesterday, bill told us exactly who he blames for all of his bad decisions. You know, am i mad at god . Yeah, im mad at him. I wish i had more protection. I wish this stuff didnt happen. I cant explain it to you. Yeah, im mad at him. If i die tomorrow and i get an opportunity, ill say, whyd you guys work me over like that . Stephen coincidentally, whyd you guys work me over like that . Is testimony from many of the lawsuits against fox news. But could this be true . Is god really to blame for this whole scandal . Whoa, whoa, whoa, stephen. Come on dont drag me into this. Come on stephen wait a sec, god . God, is that you . No, its santa in a hospital gown. Yes, of course its god and i dont want my name associated with this bill oreilly business. Stephen why not . Well, im not proud of it, but i dont exactly have the best history with women. Stephen really . What do you mean, lord . Well, there was that incident with lots wife. I had to pay, like, 12 million to get that whole pillar of salt thing to go away. Stephen yeah, i guess your track records a little spotty. Then there was that time i got somebody pregnant, and then totally bailed. Kid shows up on my doorstep 33 years later. Turns out, nice guy stephen so, wait a second. So, youre worried that all the attention on how powerful men treat women might come back to bite you . Exactly. But, look, im going to change. Im going to pull a weinstein and spend one week in rehab to deal with all my problems. Step one is believing in a higher power, so i got that covered, right . laughter stephen but what about bill oreilly . Were you the one, you know, who came down on him . Oh, hes a real sick puppy. I mean, did you know he sent me gay porn . And not even good stuff. You need a little story to get the motor running, you know . Stephen okay, but just between us, was the whole oreilly harassment thing your fault . Yes. Stephen what . Really . Yeah, i gave him that free will, and look what he did with it. Its like letting a toddler drive a car. Which ive also done. laughter it was my nephew. Hes a pushy kid. Stephen well, god, do you want to apologize . All right. Bill, i havent been there for you, and im sorry. Youve got enough problems in your life, what with looking like a pile of pancake batter poured over last years scarecrow. I mean, i know i made man in my image, but woof. laughter stephen lord, wait a second. Lord, are you roasting bill oreilly . Oh, i wont be the one roasting him, stephen. laughter stephen god, everyone weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause jake tapper is here but when we come back, cnn defines what is truth. 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Over the weekend, he tweeted, it is finally sinking through. 46 of people believe Major National news orgs fabricate stories about me. Fake news, even worse lost cred. First of all, mr. President , the expression is sinking in, not sinking through. laughter you sink through things like quagmires or stormy seas or piles of poop, or other metaphors for your presidency. Trump has been attacking the press nonstop since the campaign, and cnns not taking it no more. This week, cnn decided to stick it to the man with a new ad. Lets take a look. This is an apple. Some people might try to tell you that its a banana. They might scream banana, banana, banana, over and over and over again. They might put banana in all caps. You might even start to believe that this is a banana. But its not. This is an apple. cheers and applause stephen not bad. Not bad. Jon thats what im talking about i like that. Stephen not bad, cnn. But where was that apple during benghazi . I personally think that that ad is just a little subtle, not exactly sure what or who theyre talking about. So we here at the late show made a slightly more honest version. See if you can pick up on our message. This is an apple. Some people might try to tell you that its a banana. They might yell banana, banana, banana. Sarah Huckabee Sanders might get on tv and say bananafannafo fanna, feefimomanna, banana even though your question was about tax returns. Theyll say the banana did a great job helping puerto rico. Youll say, actually, most of the island is still lacking powe stand for the national bananthem theyll tell you to ignore the emails that show the bananas son took a meeting with a putin connected russian lawyer after banana, jr. Was explicitly promised dirt on hillary clinton, because the meeting was actually all about adoptions. Adoptions . Thats bananas. But this isnt a banana. Its an apple. A really stupid apple. 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Enter promo code, freepie, on your next order at dennys. Com band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back to the late show, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight hosts the lead and state of the union on cnn. Please welcome jake tapper cheers and applause wow. Stephen jake. Good to see you. Thats nice. You get that every night, huh . Stephen yeah, yeah, yeah. Only when youre here, jake. When i walk out on my set. Stephen only when youre here. Its very quiet on my set. Stephen you need an audience. I dont have an audience on my set, just a crew. Stephen jake. Yes . Stephen i have something for you. Whats that . Oh, man. laughter thats an apple cheers and applause thats an apple Stephen Corker said trump was debasing the office of the presidency. Flake today has said, im out of here you know, this is, heaven help us, where our country is going. Mccain is take shots at trump. But all of these guys are leaving. Is this an act of defiance, or is this an act of surrender, in your opinion . Well, first of all, we should, to be fair, flake and mccain i dont think voted for trump, and they made their opposition to trump fairly clear last year. I mean, not as vociferously as theyre making it today. But i think mccain said, after the access Hollywood Video came out, that he wasnt going to vote for him, and i think flake did the same. I dont think its an act of surrender. I think that the Steve Bannons and breitbarts of the world see that and say that trump broke flake, trump is breaking these people. And it is, in a good, in a way, for them, in a way for trump, its good that theyre leaving. But i think were in a different period right now. I have been reading a lot about the 50s lately, and there was a period you know, joe mccarthy started in the late 40s. His crusade of indecency and smears and lies. And, you know, President Trump and joe mccarthy are very different historical figures, but there is something similar. They say history doesnt repeat itself, but it rhymes. And when you read about that era, joe mccarthy was doing indecent things and lying for years and years, with republican senators and democrats not saying anything. And there were people like senator Margaret Chase smith of maine and others who stood on the senate floor and condemned it, but mostly people were quiet. And history looks back at that time and says, boy, what a bunch of wusses. They were wrong. And i think, when senator jeff flake today said that, you know, theres going to be a reckoning. People are going to look back at this era and say, what were you doing with all its